You're the Light on the Dark Side of Me

It’s been a month and I was finally brave enough to just step into the psychologist’s office. I was dead scared but of what? I didn’t know. The dreams weren’t any better, the tears weren’t any less and the sadness wouldn’t go away.

“Hello?” I asked knocking the psychologist’s door, then opening it slowly.

“Come in, come in.” A man in maybe his forties said smiling in a welcoming way. “I’m Dr. Downey Jr.” He introduced.

“I’m Patrícia Valentine.” I greeted trying to smile.

“Please, sit down.” He said pointing at a black couch that looked extremely comfortable.“Make yourself at home.” He said as I sat down Buddha style, still questioning myself about this whole situation. “So tell me about yourself.” He said with a small notepad in his hands, as I blinked and looked at the window.

I sighed before figuring how to start. “My name is Patrícia Morgan Valentine, I’m 18 years old. I’ll be 19 in November so that’s pretty close. I like dancing.” I said.

“Tell me about dancing.” He said.

“I like doing ballet and I was accepted in a college in N.Y, I’ve done auditions.” I explained.

I actually liked the fact that I was talking to him and he seemed nice. I was actually beginning to disconnect myself a little from all that was going on: Jared’s death and going to college, which meant leaving my parents house.

“Why do you dance?” He asked.

“Because it makes me feel free.” I said breathing out in relief, smiling softly.

“Good. Why did you come to talk to me?” He asked as I turned my head so my eyes met his.

“Because I need help. I can’t overcome my boyfriend’s… death.” I said as tears started to fall from my eyes.

Dr. Downey Jr. stood up from his chair and kneeled down in front of me, so his face was at the same level as mine.

“Tell me about him.” He said patiently as I sobbed and tried to speak clearly.

“His eyes were… my… my… world…” I said biting my lower lip, it was trembling uncontrollably. “His smile made my day better every day, his presence made me feel safe, his voice made me shiver especially when he sang or played for me. He was everything to me.”

“Do you feel sad?” He asked.

“Yes.” I stated.

“Angry in any way?” He asked.

“It was all my fault.” I said.

“Why do you think so?” Dr. Downey Jr. asked, trying to make me get in touch with my deeper feelings.

“Because I convinced him to go to a concert from some friends, he got angry and then he… had a car crash.” I said covering my face with my hands crying my eyes out once again.

“Don’t blame yourself it’s not fair. It’s normal to be angry, sad and just wanting to curl into a giant ball and disappear for years but that won’t change a thing. If you want to make through this you’ll have to get up and fight.” He said making my eyes look into his.

And for the first time in a very long time I felt slightly better.



Since that appointment at Dr. Downey Jr., I hadn’t cried anymore but I missed Shannon a lot more than I thought I would. I couldn’t call and he was acting like if he had just vanished from the face of the earth, Tomo was also acting strangely and I had never felt so alone.

I stood up trying to regain myself and I dressed up for the appointment at Dr. Downey Jr.

“Don’t! Paty don’t!” Dr. Downey Jr. said harshly as I was crying desperately in his couch.

“After all the progress, why are you crying?” He asked.

“I feel alone. Shannon’s away, Tomo’s away and I keep reminding myself about Jared… I can’t do this.” I was frustrated, I felt like I was a failure.

“Paty you should be ready for that, I warned you that all the signs were there. It’s painful for Shannon to see you and you should respect him for being able to hold you up for so long.” He explained.

“But…” I trailed.

“I see that conversation isn’t going to take us anywhere, not in that state.” He said giving me a pillow. “Breathe in.” He commanded.

I did as he said.

“Now place your mouth against the pillow and scream as loud as you can. Nobody can hear you.” He said.

I screamed once, then louder and then louder. I put the pillow aside breathing in and out as Dr. Downey Jr. rubbed my back.

“Everything’s going to be okay.” He said.

Everyone said the same thing but the truth was that nothing was okay and nothing was going to be okay ever again.



I studied the letter on the desk of my room. I had received another letter from the N.Y College and they wanted an answer by next week. I had to make a decision, the N.Y College wasn’t going to wait for me forever and it was now or never. I decided to call everyone to meet at the usual bar so I could tell them what I was going to do.

“I have something to tell you all.” I said once everyone was gathered at the usual bar where we all hang out, though, I knew that two important people were missing.

“Spit it out!” Danny said almost bursting in curiosity.

“I’m going to N.Y in two weeks.” I said biting my lower lip nervously.

“You were accepted?” Colin asked.

“Yes.” I confirmed as he ran towards me hugging me tightly against him.

“I’m so proud.” He whispered.

“I can’t believe you’re going.” Danny said crying.

“This is not goodbye. I’ll be back.” I promised smiling at all of them.

To be honest I had already packed and I was ready to leave, I needed to leave. If I didn’t move on I would never accept Jared’s death and that wasn’t living my life. I hugged everyone and Colin offered to drop me at home.

“I’m sorry for everything that happened, I hope we can be the same again.” He said when we were saying goodbye.

“Of course we can, I was just sore. It changed me Col.” I said.

“I know.” He said pulling me against him kissing my cheek deeply. I felt myself blush but I also felt like there was a second intension on Colin’s kiss.

“Sorry.” Colin said locking his eyes with mine when he pulled away.

“Just go.” I said opening the door.

“But Paty…” He said.

“Don’t freak me out Colin please I don’t want to get away from you. Don’t do this to me, not now.” I said a bit coldly.

I wasn’t ready to get into a relationship and I wasn’t definitely looking forward to fall in love all over again. Jared was still very present in my life and in my heart. He was my ghost, he was the one who haunted me in my dreams.

“Just be careful out there alright?” Colin asked.

I nodded with my head and he left.



“Remember to think before you act.” Robert said.

“Alright, alright Doc. I will be careful, I will always look at the present and think before I act.” I said smiling proudly as he smiled at me giving me a friendly hug.

“Thank you for all of your help.” I said.

“You’re welcome kid. It was my pleasure.” He smiled as I kissed his cheek innocently and took my backpack and a suitcase.

I smiled again at him and waved going towards my check-in. I breathed out and prepared to leave everything behind: my therapy, my family, my friends and the memory of the guy I loved so I could start all over again.