One Life To Live

“Freddie, you have no say in this whatsoever.” Bethany Lynn argued, stabbing her pointer finger right into Freddie’s amused face with attitude. “I trusted you last time and what did you bring for us to watch? Saw III.”

Freddie grinned, clearly unashamed, “Hey, that was a great movie.”

“Oh yeah?” Bethany Lynn nodded, her voice laced with heavy sarcasm. “We have Friday movie nights to relax, idiot. Melly and I were cowering under the damn blankets the whole time.”

Friday movie nights were a tradition with the three of us. The only thing that ever trumped Friday movie nights were parities Bethany Lynn wanted to go to or on the occasion that one of us had plans already set up prior. We’d switch off who chose the movie each week, and now it was Bethany Lynn’s turn to get sweet revenge on Freddie. Bethany Lynn smiled devilishly, while holding a DVD behind her back. “A classic,” she notified us before she revealed to us what her movie really was. She whipped it out, and just as I had expected, it was grade A chick flick material.

Eat Pray Love.

Freddie groaned mercifully. “You’ve got to be kidding me, Bethany.”

Now it was her turn to grin at him. “You know, before it was your turn last week, I was going to pick up Transformers. But no – you wanted to go through with a horror movie even though I warned you what would happen.”

Fred crossed his arms in defiance. I smiled at him in spite of my gloomy mood. I rested my hand on his shoulder. “Don’t worry, I’ll make you that special popcorn you like if you put up with the movie, Fred.”

Fred looked at me grudgingly, but I could see his eyes brightening. “The one with the chili pepper?”

I nodded in affirmation. “Of course. We have Tabasco and limes, too.”

That got him hook, line, and sinker. He smiled. “If you insist.”

Bethany Lynn rolled her eyes, and wiggled her finger at me. “Mel, we were supposed to destroy him tonight!”

I chuckled. “Sorry, he just reminds me too much of my brother who was forced to sit through girly movies with me at the movie theater all the time.”

Bethany Lynn smiled, and shook her head. “Guys are ridiculous. This is a perfectly amazing movie – filled with self expression, love, romance—”

Freddie coughed, “Exactly.”

I laughed, and Bethany Lynn ignored while she slid the movie into the DVD compartment. I exited to go into the kitchen, finding a bag of popcorn, and placing it into our mini microwave. Setting the timer, I found the chili pepper in the back of the cupboard, while scouting out a lime, and that Tabasco sauce in the refrigerator. I set them down on the kitchen counter top, and took out the cutting board when I sliced the lime up into wedges. I gave the board a little splash in the sink to wash off the residue of lime, and left it to dry. I tapped my fingers against the white countertops in anticipation as the timer was getting closer and closer. One minute, 45 seconds, 30 seconds, 15…

Beep, beep, beep.

I yanked the microwave door open, and extracted the popcorn from it. I poured it into a large yellow plastic bowl, and sprinkled the chili pepper over the top. The dices up lime was in a separate smaller bowl, and the Tabasco sitting next to it as I laid it down on the living room table.

“There we go,” I smiled.

“Ahh,” Freddie murmured, “exactly what I need.”

Bethany took a bowl, and poured herself a helping of popcorn. She squeezed lime over the top, and practically smothered her popcorn in Tabasco. She grinned. “Hey, I put this shit on everything.”

Freddie grinned back at her while dishing himself some. I knew he loved extra chili pepper on his, so I brought the container with me. He dounced his popcorn with it, and dribbled a little Tabasco over his as well. The credits before the movie were coming to an end, and the title page came up. Julia Roberts, I mused, was an incredible actress. Ever since Pretty Woman came out, I’d been a huge fan.

We all settled back into the soothing couch – our pillows at the ready in case we wanted to lounge during the movie. We all put our feet up on the table, mimicking a real movie theater, while we crunched on our popcorn.

As the movie progressed, I was thoroughly reminded of why I adored it so much. I was amazed all over again by how Liz – the protagonist –grabbed the ‘bull by the horns’, as they say, and really wanted to appreciate her life after all she’s went through. From all her hearty, family-loving, Italian-learning experiences in Italy, which was followed by finding spiritual reassurance and acceptance through religion in India – as well as getting good advance from someone who’s been there before. Through all the incredible people she met along the way that helped her come back to herself. And, in the end, when she went to Bali – she realized her fantasy state of mind through these events could actually be a reality when she met Felipe. He made her feel loved, beautiful, supported…it made me ache inside when he said the words that reminded me of Lance.

Hadn’t he done everything right? Hadn’t he taken me out on dates, had a relationship with me like I had always wanted? Hadn’t he made me feel special, sought after, and supported? Hadn’t he taken me to meet his parents, assuring me everything would go smoothly? In the end…tell me he loved me? I felt a frown form on my face, a disheartened sigh escape my lips. It had been a close to perfect relationship until I heard a shocking truth that shattered me altogether. It was a sucker punch to my gut when I found out. It wasn’t so much that he actually worked for the Mafia (even though that still bothered me), it was that he lied to me and let me see him without knowing this – let me love him without knowing who he really was. I kept on asking myself why – why didn’t he just tell me? I would never nark on him, he had to know that. I didn’t do that to people I cared about. He must’ve found that out too late, apparently.

I shook myself mentally, focusing my attention back on the movie while Liz was asking her friends for help to buy a home for Wayan and Tutti. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a kernel o chili pepper popcorn suspended halfway to Bethany Lynn’s mouth, and Freddie was almost as much absorbed and awestruck as her. He’d complained about having to watch it, but it seemed he was enjoying it just as much as Bethany was – maybe even more. Just as Liz paused to kiss Felipe, Bethany subconsciously snuggled closer to Fred. He shifted as well, so Beth could easily situate herself under his arm which was resting on the top of our couch.

How much had I missed these past few weeks? I knew Bethany had always been sweet on Freddie, but it sure looked like they were actually a couple now. All those times she felt the need to skip out whenever I had Lance over, had she really just been going to Freddie’s every time? Suddenly I felt like a horrible friend. I had been so concerned about Lance and I’s breakup, I didn’t see how buddy-buddy Fred and Beth had become. I reminded myself to ask her about it and apologize later.

I sank further into the plush couch, stuffing a handful of popcorn in my mouth. My mood wasn’t getting any better, but then again, how is that supposed to surprise me? Maybe I should just accept the fact that I most likely won’t meet any man like Lance ever again. Maybe I should just accept the fact that I will probably compare any guy I date in the future to Lance, and see huge gaps and differences that won’t make them as good as him. I knew I’d never be the same. I was reminded of it every day I was without him, now. I was intensely picky about guys I dated – that’s why I gave up in high school. That’s why I was incredibly surprised in myself when I took the plunge to call Lance back that day after the party. Perhaps all this heartbreak and emotional chaos was long overdue for me.

Attraversiamo, Liz declared to Felipe as she took his hand as they headed out to his boat. Liz had the courage to open her heart to new possibilities, then couldn’t I? She found her soul mate…so maybe there was still hope for me.

Or perhaps I had already found mine.

Ugh, every thought came with an equally unsettling contradiction. Doubting myself and holding myself on a chokingly tight leash was my usual this past month. I was tired of it, to be honest. I wanted what Liz had –happiness and no boundaries for living her life.

I just had to let go.