Bitter Sweet Symphony

I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now

~~~~

I was still just lying on the floor just inside my loft crying silent tears when my phone went off.

I pulled it out of my bag and looked at the caller id.

It was Andrea.

Shit well I guess I need to answer it.

I wiped my nose on my hoodie sleeve and took a deep breath before answering.

“H…hello?”

“Alina? Where are you? The guys have been calling me like mad”

“Oh I’m sorry I just came home and passed out. I’m massively hung over and I guess I just passed from all the drinking I did at the party last night. I’m sorry I should’ve called them.”

“Oh okay. You okay hunny you sound upset?”

“Yeah I’m good just tired and feeling crap. My head is pounding”

“Well that happens when you drink a lot”

“Yeah…hey can I have tomorrow off? I just realized I have a LOT to do before I start packing up to go back home. My place is a mess.”

“Yeah sure whatever you need hun. But you’re still coming to say goodbye to the guys right?”

I fought back the lump in my throat at the mention of the guys.

“Yeah of course I’ll be there. I can’t let them leave without saying goodbye”

“Okay what I thought. Well call one of them to let them know that you’re okay. We’ll miss you tomorrow”

“I’ll miss you guys too. Talk to you tomorrow”

“Okay hun get some rest and drink lots of water”

“I will”

I hung up my phone and was finally able to sit myself up. I sat with my back against my door and looked at my phone. I probably had about a hundred messages. It was ridiculous. They were all from Zack, Jimmy, Val, or Gena. I think Gena had tried to call me the most because she knew I wasn’t okay when I had left.

I didn’t think I could go through another phone call so I texted Jimmy to tell him that I was okay and had just gone back to my loft and passed out there to recover from my horrible hangover. It wasn’t long before he replied back with a sad face and saying for me to feel better and that he would see me tomorrow.

I didn’t reply.

I couldn’t reply.

Not right now.

I slowely stood up and dragged my bag over to my bed. I opened my drawer and threw on my polka dot pajama bottoms and my pink tank top that says I love hearts. Except the love was a smiling heart. It was ironic for the moment but I honestly didn’t give a damn. I pulled back the covers on my bed and slid into bed turning my iPod onto my pain mix and putting it into my iPod dock so that I could listen to some music.

It wasn’t long before I passed out from crying.

~~~~ Next Day ~~~~

I was sitting up in bed still in my pajamas from yesterday. I hadn’t done a single thing but lay or sit in bed and want to cry. But my eyes had dried up overnight. I had cried all of the tears that I was capable of producing.

So I just sat there and tried not to think of Brian or what he had said to me.

But I couldn’t help but think about him and everything which only made my heart and soul break even more. I couldn’t believe I was letting myself feel this way when all of a sudden a song that explained it all came on my playlist.

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright, because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright, because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now there's a steel knife
In my windpipe, I can't breathe
But I still fight, While I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right
It's like I'm in flight, High of a love
Drunk from the hate
It's like I'm huffing paint
And I love it the more that I suffer
I suffocate
And right before I'm about to drown
She resuscitates me, She fucking hates me
And I love it, Wait, Where you going
I'm leaving you, No you ain't
Come back, We're running right back
Here we go again, It's so insane
'Cause when it's going good
It's going great, I'm Superman
With the wind in his bag, She's Lois Lane
But when it's bad, It's awful
I feel so ashamed, I snap
Who's that dude, I don't even know his name
I laid hands on her, I'll never stoop so low again
I guess I don't know my own strength

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright, because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright, because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie. I love the way you lie

You ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe
When you're with them you meet
And neither one of you even know what hit 'em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling, yeah them chills
Used to get 'em, now you're getting fucking sick
Of looking at 'em, you swore you've never hit 'em
Never do nothing to hurt 'em
Now you're in each other's face
Spewing venom and these words
When you spit 'em you push
Pull each other's hair, scratch, claw, bit 'em
Throw 'em down, pin 'em

So lost in the moments when you're in 'em
It's the rage that took over it controls you both
So they say it's best to go your separate ways
Guess that they don't know ya
'Cause today that was yesterday
Yesterday is over, it's a different day
Sound like broken records, playin' over
But you promised her, next time you'll show restraint
You don't get another chance
Life is no Nintendo game, But you lied again
Now you get to watch her leave out the window
Guess that's why they call it window pane

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright, because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright, because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie, I love the way you lie

Now I know we said things, did things that we didn't mean
And we fall back into the same patterns, same routine
But your temper's just as bad as mine is
You're the same as me but when it comes to love
You're just as blinded, baby please come back
It wasn't you, baby it was me
Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love you too much
To walk away though, come inside
Pick up your bags off the sidewalk
Don't you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk
Told you this is my fault, look me in the eyeball
Next time I'm pissed, I'll aim my fist at the dry wall
Next time there will be no next time
I apologize even though I know it's lies
I'm tired of the games, I just want her back
I know I'm a liar, if she ever tries to fucking leave again
I'm a tie her to the bed and set the house on fire

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright, because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright, Because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

It wasn’t long after the song started that I was singing along with it.

I sang all the way until the end of the song when there was a knock at my door.

I looked over at my clock to see that it was 3p.m.

God how was it so late?

Whoever was knocking on my door was knocking again and even louder. My phone also started to ring. I glanced over at it and saw that it was Gena. I answered my phone to hear Gena yelling at Val and Leana to shut-up.

“Gena?”

“Guys shut-up! Oh my God Alina! Where have you been? Andrea said you weren’t feeling well. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine”

“Are you home?”

Shit

“Yeah…”

I heard Val yelling behind Gena.

“Then open your fucking door!”

I sighed.

“I’m coming”

I climbed out of bed not even caring to splash water on my face or anything.

I just didn’t give a damn right now.

I opened my door to see Gena, Val, and Leana all standing there. They all gasped when they saw me and rushed into my loft pushing me back. Val shut and locked my door and immediately grabbed me into a hug followed by Gena and Leana.

I just stood there. I was in too much pain to consider moving.

They all finally moved back and pulled me over and set me down on my bed, all sitting across from me on my bed. They all looked so concerned.

“What happened Alina?”

I just shook my head.

I couldn’t tell them

“I can’t tell you”

Gena placed a hand on my arm.

“Yes you can”

I shook off her arm and stood up.

“I just…I just let what Brian did get to me”

“Aw hunny…”

I turned to look at them.

“It’s nothing I just…I just need to calm down. I let myself fall for him when he obviously doesn’t like me and was just drunk and used me for a f-kiss”

I silently prayed they didn’t notice my little slip up. But I couldn’t tell them…I just couldn’t.

It was too painful.

They stayed for a little while longer until the guys called to say that they were done for the day and wanted to go get something to eat. I could tell that they asked about me, because Gena got up and moved away from Val, Leana, and me. I don’t know what she said due to she was whispering but I honestly just didn’t care.

It felt like I had been stabbed in the back and I…I just didn’t want to feel anything else at the moment.

Once they were gone I crawled right back into bed and turned my music back on and placed that song on repeat. It was sad but was somehow making me feel better.

I happened to glance at my clock has I drifted off to sleep again. It was only 7p.m. but it felt like eternity to me. Brian came back into my mind and I felt warm salty tears slide down my cheeks and nose.

I guess I could still cry after all.

“Just gonna stand there and watch me burn. But that’s alright because I like the way it hurts. Just gonna stand there and hear me cry, But that’s alright because I love the way you lie. I love the way you lie…”

I love you Brian