Bitter Sweet Symphony

But I’m here in my mold,
I am here in my mold

~~~~ 3 Months Later ~~~~

Today was the seventh day in a row where I woke up feeling sick. And the third morning I actually threw up. It was sucking massively. I have no idea what was going on. I was so just overly emotional and feeling sick and just not myself. That and I was craving pickles…I know weird right?

I brushed my teeth and came out of the bathroom and went to sit down on a stool at the bar counter for the kitchen. I laid my head on the counter when Julianna came out of her room yawning. She ignored me until she started the coffee pot and pulled out eggs and bacon to make breakfast. She started up the frying pan and placed a few strips of bacon in it.

I started to feel quesy again but I figured it was just an aftermath of having just puked.

Alina put the rest of the bacon slices back in the fridge and cracked a few eggs into a bowl and scrambling them.

“You threw up again this morning”

I mumbled into the counter.

“Don’t remind me”

“What’s going on?”

“I wish I knew”

I could hear the bacon popping and Julianna turn around to flip the pieces over. I tried sitting up and taking a deep breath to calm myself when I was overwhelmed with having to puke. The coffee baking, the bacon cooking, the bacon grease…

Oh shit

I ran for the bathroom and barely made it in time before I was puking up whatever was left in my stomach.

I could hear Julianna stopping what she was doing because I wasn’t even able to close the bathroom door. She came up behind me and rubbed my back, pulling my dark brown hair back and grabbing a hair tie off the counter and using it to tie my hair back.

“What’s going on Alina?”

“I told you I don’t know”

“Alina…are you pregnant?”

I shot up and immediately ended up puking from the smell of bacon. Once I was done I tilted my head to the side.

“What? No?”

Julianna bit her lip.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes I’m positive. It’s probably either food poisoning or my period”

“But you’re on that low dose of birth control to control that part of your period”

I just shrugged my shoulders.

“I don’t know then Jul”

She bit her lip again.

“What!?”

“When was your last period?”

“Last month?”

“Question?”

“Juls do we have to do this now. I feel like absolute shit”

Julianna stood up.

“Fine. But this isn’t over. Something’s wrong here.”

I groaned into the toilet has Julianna left to finish cooking her breakfast. I shut the bathroom door with my foot and pressed my cheek to the cold tile and waited for her to get done making her food so that I could make it to my room without having to puke.

~~~~ Next Day ~~~~

Well I had woken up and puked again this morning.

God this sucked

But I had to go to some magazine for work and I couldn’t exactly bail. I just straightened my hair and left it loose. I put on a small amount of neutral makeup and pulled on a dark redish pink top on. I then pulled on a pair of dark wash shorts with a little distressed patch or two. I actually ended up having to suck in a lot to get them buttoned.

Okay now my pants were getting tight. This wasn’t happening. I know I was depressed after I got back but after one month I was better and moving on from Brian. I didn’t even over eat at all the past three months. Which was weird for me because I usually ate a lot during my period. But I didn’t, I actually under ate a little bit that first month.

What the hell?

This wasn’t making any sense. I mean I put on a little bit of water weight during my period but I didn’t think it was my period anytime this week and even then I didn’t put on that much. I mean these were actually the loosest fitting pair of shorts I owned.

I walked over to my closest and pulled out a pair of heels putting them on. I glanced at my calendar and stopped short. I walked over to it and looked back over the last few months.

Weird

If my calendar was correct then I didn’t have a period the last three months. Hmmm I must of just forgotten to put the big x over them. Oh well I was pretty sure I had them. My periods were like clock work. I had to have had them.

Right

I shook the thought from my head and grabbed my purse heading out into the living room. Julianna was up and in her pjs drinking a cup of coffee and making a bowl of cereal. She looked up at me and gave me a funny look.

“What?”

“Your boobs are huge”

I just glared at her.

“My boobs are always huge thank you very much”

Julianna just rolled her eyes.

“I mean they’re bigger than usually. You don’t notice it?”

I looked down and my chest and back up and Julianna.

“No. They’re big has always. Listen has much has I want to stay and talk about my boobs I have to get down to this magazine for the Garden. Be back in a few hours.”

I started to walk away when I heard Julianna talking.

“You threw up again this morning”

I looked over at her.

“So”

I left before she could say anymore. I walked to the subway station and took it up to where I needed to be. I ended up sitting across from a woman who was obviously pregnant. She looked so happy with her boyfriend or husband sitting next to her holding her hand.

I looked away and absentmindedly placed my hand on my stomach. I immediately took it away and shook my head.

Now that was weird

I watched has the couple got off the subway a few stops down and I couldn’t help but think of that night with Brian and everything that had been going on recently with my body and I fought the urge to put my hand on my stomach again.

I wasn’t. I couldn’t be. We used two different forms of birth control. Besides I’d had my periods.

~~~~ That Night ~~~~

I got home later than I had expected only to find Julianna sitting on the couch waiting for me. She had a CVS bag in front of her on the coffee table. I just looked at her weird and shut the door and locked it.

“Don’t you have work?”

“I called out sick”

“Why? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing”

“Then why’d you call out and what’s in the bag?”

Julianna picked up the bag and handed it to me.

“It’s for you”

“Me?”

I opened the bag and looked in. I nearly dropped the bag for inside was about 4 or 5 home pregnancy tests.

I looked up at Julianna in pure shock.

“What the hell Julianna?”

“You need to take those”

“Why the hell do I need to take them!? There’s no way I’m pregnant!”

Julianna just crossed her arms over her chest.

“Oh I beg to differ”

I tossed the bag onto the coffee table along with my purse.

“Evidence?”

“Gladly.”

Julianna started to count things out on her fingers.

“You’ve been feeling sick for a week or two now and throwing up a lot in the past few days. You’re sensitive to smell and craving weird ass food. You’ve put on weight around your stomach area. You’re boobs are bigger. And for the big one, you haven’t had you period since you came back from Germany.”

“I have too had my period!”

Julianna just gave me a look.

“What!?”

“Hate to break it to you hun but yeah you haven’t. You’re like clockwork and NEVER forget to mark the days off and you haven’t done that. I checked your calendar. AND before you start to negate that we’re around the same time has always and we use different pads but yours haven’t been used in three months PLUS my periods been off whack. It’s cause it knows you’re not having yours and its thrown mine off kilter.”

I thought over everything she had just said. I shook my head vigorously.

“You’re wrong”

“Am I?”

I nodded my head yes.

“Well one way to find out”

And with that she picked up the bag of tests and shoved it into my hands.

“Take them and lets see”

I glowered at my best friend but turned on my heel and walked into the bathroom.

“I’m going to laugh when you’re wrong”

“Mhmm keep telling yourself that hun”

About five minutes later I was sitting on the floor up against Julianna’s bed waiting for the correct amount of time to be up so that I could prove her wrong. I had kicked off my heels and changed into a pair of pajama bottom, also a little tight but I didn’t think anything of it.

Julianna’s phone went off signaling it was time to check out the six tests she had gotten me.

Julianna looked at me but I just motioned for her to go ahead and look. The look on her face when she saw the tests that were sitting on her desk made my heart stop.

No

“What? What do they say?”

Julianna looked at me.

“Get over here Alina you need to see these”

I warily stood up and walked over to Julianna who stood aside so I could see them all.

No

No

No

NO NO NO!!!!!

“NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!”

I backed away from her desk.

“They’re all wrong. I’m not…I can’t be”

Julianna just stared at me with a look of shared pain on her face. But all I could see were those six tests staring back up at me. Each God forsaken one positive.

I was pregnant.

I started to cry and slid down onto the floor of Julianna’s room.

“No, no, no, no”

That was all I was able to get out. It wasn’t long before I felt Julianna put her arms around me and pull me towards her.

“I’m so sorry Alina”

“We used protection. He was my first time. He used a condom. I’m on birth control. How”

“I don’t know Alina. But we need to get you to a doctor and get you some prenatal care and newer clothes. “

That only made me cry harder.

“How can I be pregnant? I can’t afford a baby. I can’t afford to take care of a baby.”

Julianna shifted next to me. I pulled back and looked at her.

“I’m not doing an abortion. I’m not killing this innocent child because its father is an ass hole”

“I know I wasn’t going to say anything on that subject. And I know you. You’re not gonna be able to give the baby up after six more months. You love Brian and won’t be able to give his baby up. I know you. This baby will get you through this.”

I just looked at Julianna.

Damnit she was right.

“You’re right”

“I usually am. There’s one other thing”

I looked at her has she bit her lip.

“You could contact Brian and tell him. He may be able to help. He may want to help. He may want this bab…”

“No. He’s called me a slut…I can’t imagine what he’d call me now. I’m not going to tell him. Not now not ever. He doesn’t deserve to know. And I doubt he’d help out. He’d probably sign over his rights has soon has he heard me say he was a father. No.”

“Okay”

I couldn’t help the tears falling from my eyes again. Julianna just pulled me back against her has I cried.

“I can’t believe this. It had to be him. After one drunken night of wonderful. It had to happen. Life couldn’t give me a break. I can’t believe this.”

“I know Alina I know”

“I can’t believe it.”

“Shhh I know Alina its okay I’m here I’m not going anywhere.”

After all that had happened. After everything that happened between us. After everything he had put me through. I thought I was rid of him for good. But no…he was still getting the last laugh. I was pregnant with his child. And I would always have him with me in the form of this child.

You suck world.

You suck Brian.

You just couldn’t let me go could you?