Bitter Sweet Symphony

I’ll take you down the only road I’ve ever been down

~~~~ 6 Months Later ~~~~

“Come on Alina they’re gonna be here any minute!”

“I’m coming you hush!”

I just shook my head and went back to what I was doing.

Getting Brianna ready for Christmas Eve with Uncle V, Uncle Johnny, and Aunt G. They had flown out for Christmas Eve so that they could see Brianna.

I finished her outfit up with a gold bow in her hair. Brianna just looked up at me and smiled.

She was adorable and I was starting to get used to how much she resembled Brian.

Today she was dressed up in the gold dress they had gotten me for my baby shower. It was cold this winter so she was in white tights and these cute little gold sparkly mary janes. She just looked at me and continued to smile.

She was always smiling.

I can’t believe it’s already been six months since I had her. I was glad I had kept her. I can’t imagine my life without her now. She’s the most beautiful baby girl I have ever seen. And that has nothing to do with the fact that she looks just like her daddy. Well…maybe a little bit.

Everyone was always asking me who her father was since she didn’t look a thing like me, except her personality was starting to resemble mine.

I heard the doorbell ring, Julianna squeal, and run to open the door. I chuckled to myself and picked up Brianna who instantly put her arms around my neck.

“You ready for crazy?”

Brianna just smiled even wider and I could hear Zacky, Gena, and Johnny. I smiled and walked out of Brianna’s room to where they were all standing just inside the door.

“Oh my God Alina she keeps getting more and more beautiful!”

Brianna just held out her arms toward Gena who eagerly rushed forward and took her from me. Gena showered Brianna with kissed while she just giggled away. She was such a happy baby.

“Did you get her ears pierced?”

“Yes I did”

“Awesome she’s getting into piercings already!”

“Calm down Zacky. I hope that’s the last piercing she ever gets.”

“But consider her Uncles and father….piercings and tattoos are in the blood”

“Don’t remind me”

I gave Zacky and Johnny both hugs. Johnny still wasn’t happy with me but since Julianna and he were officially dating now he was kind of tolerating me. But I was thinking about telling Brian. I just didn’t know how to go about saying, “Hey guess what you have a daughter”. Yeah I don’t see that going over well.

“Presents presents presents!”

I laughed at Julianna’s childishness.

“Okay everyone over here.”

We all piled onto the couches in the living room and Brianna was passed around to Zacky. I mean Uncle V. We starting handing out presents and opening them. Brianna got more toys and a cute new outfit for when it started to warm up. Julianna got new clothes, money, and a beautiful bracelet. The bracelet being from Johnny of course. Gena, Zacky, and Johnny all got a framed photo of them with Brianna from over the summer when they had come and visit. In each photo they were outside at Central Park where I would take Brianna for a daily walk.

Hey it was helping me to lose that baby weight.

They all loved the photos and Gena came running over to hug me. From Brianna they all got an iTunes gift card. And from Julianna they all got a cd they’d been wanting.

Now it was time for me. From Julianna I got a new scarf. From Johnny I got a new camera. And from Zacky and Gena I got a couple cds. The last one being….

“Avenged Sevenfold….Nightmare….”

His band’s new album.

I looked up at everyone in shock. They knew I was okay with hearing Brian’s name but I wasn’t so cool with hearing the band’s music most days.

“What?”

“Hey you like our music. Thought you should have one”

I looked the cd over.

“It’s signed”

“Yeah we asked the guys to all sign it. I said it was for a relative who was a big fan”

I just looked up at Zacky, tears welling in my eyes.

I saw Brianna looking at me curiously from Johnny’s lap. I saw the color of her eyes, the expression on her face, the black hair.

I lost it.

I ran into my room and shut the door. I broke down crying on the floor of my room clutching the cd.

I guess I wasn’t has over him has I had thought.

A few minutes later I heard a knock at the door. The door opened slowly and Zacky walked in closing the door behind him. He walked over and sat next to me on the floor. He put an arm around me and pulled me to him.

“It’s okay Alina. It’s okay. I’m sorry I didn’t know it would upset you this much”

“She looks just like him. I see him every day and it still kills me. But I don’t know how to even tell him. It’s easier to just not bother”

“I know and it’s okay. In time you can tell him. I know you can”

I gave Zacky a hug and sat back wiping the tears from my eyes. I gave a small smile and looked down at the cd.

“So any good songs or is it a total bust?”

Zacky laughed and took the cd from me and walked over to my stereo and popped the cd in. He handed the case back to me and sat back down next to me. I looked at everyone’s signature on the front and back of the case. I traced Brian’s signature and couldn’t help but smile.

Suddenly my head whipped up at the sound of the first song. I just looked over at Zacky confused but he just told me to wait. And BAM there was the rock music I was used to. I smiled at hearing Matt’s familiar voice.

“Man it’s been awhile since I’ve heard any of you guys play and sing”

“Yeah well we’ll have to fix that sometime”

I just looked at Zacky and looked away.

We sat there and just listened to the cd. But when we reached a song he paused the cd and looked at me. I looked down at the cd and found the track.

“So Far Away”

“Yes and someone different wrote the lyrics to it”

“Who?”

“…Brian…”

I looked up at Zacky in shock.

“He doesn’t write the lyrics. He gives suggestions but he doesn’t really write them”

“He wrote this song purely on his own. And we all know who he’s talking about in the lyrics”

“Who?”

“You”

“Me? Why me?”

“Because he regrets what he did and he feels horrible”

“…oh…”

“If you want to listen to it I can start the cd again.”

I looked over at my stereo then back at Zacky.

“Not right now”

Zacky smiled knowingly and skipped to the next song. Once the cd was done I was feeling better and we returned to the living room where everyone else was. I burst out laughing when I saw Brianna putting a bow on Johnny head. She leaned back clapping her hands while Johnny just glared at Julianna and Gena who were supplying the bows to Brianna.

“God she is just like her father”

“I know…and I love her”

~~~~ Later That Night ~~~~

I groaned and rolled over in bed. It was 2 in the morning and I STILL wasn’t asleep. So I just laid there in my bed staring at the ceiling when I heard Brianna start to cry.

“Well there’s something for me to do”

I got out of bed and walked over to Brianna’s room. I picked her up and cradled her in my arms.

“Shhhh it’s okay hunny it’s okay”

I checked everything but she wasn’t hungry, didn’t need to be burped or changed. She was just fussy tonight.

I walked around the room with her, then the entire apartment but she continued to fuss. I gave up and just went into my room and riffled through my cds. Sometimes music helped her to fall asleep. She was just like me in that way.

I couldn’t decide on a cd so I just pressed play on my stereo. I would just listen to whatever was already in there. I had forgotten that it was the new Avenged Sevenfold cd. I quickly skipped the first song and found the cd to look at the tracks again. I walked around my room someone humming the lyrics to Brianna.

But nothing was working, until…until that song I had skipped earlier came on. The soothing ballad played out softly. I stopped at stared at the stereo. I wasn’t expecting this song to be so soft. I was expecting some angry song or something.

But it was soft and…caring.

I shifted Brianna in my arms and pulled out the lyric book from the cd and flipped through until I got to So Far Away.

Oh my God

I scanned the lyrics and teared up a little. I sat down on my bed, closed my eyes, and listened to the words Brian had written. It seemed Brianna was doing the same thing. She had quieted down and when the song was over she was asleep peacefully in my arms. I walked back to her room and laid her down in her crib. I gave her a quick kiss and walked back to my room where I hit repeat on the song and laid down in bed myself.

I listened to the song has I was finally able to fall asleep.

Never feared for anything
Never shamed but never free
A light that healed a broken heart with all that it could

Lived a life so endlessly
Saw beyond what others see
I tried to heal your broken heart with all that I could

Will you stay?
Will you stay away forever?

How do I live without the ones I love?
Time still turns the pages of the book its burned
Place and time always on my mind
I have so much to say but you're so far away

Plans of what our futures hold
Foolish lies of growing old
It seems we're so invincible
The truth is so cold

A final song, a last request
A perfect chapter laid to rest
Now and then I try to find a place in my mind

Where you can stay
You can stay awake forever

How do I live without the ones I love?
Time still turns the pages of the book its burned
Place and time always on my mind
I have so much to say but you're so far away

Sleep tight, I'm not afraid
The ones that we love are here with me
Lay away a place for me
Cause as soon as I'm done I'll be on my way
To live eternally

How do I live without the ones I love?
Time still turns the pages of the book its burned
Place and time always on my mind
And the light you left remains but it's so hard to stay
When I have so much to say and you're so far away

I love you
You were ready
The pain is strong and urges rise
But I'll see you
When it lets me
Your pain is gone, your hands untied

So far away
And I need you to know

So far away
And I need you to
Need you to know