The Girl Who Couldn't Feel

We walked quietly, holding hands. I had loosened my grip, but Jaden had only tightened his, so we continued holding hands. Every now and then, Jaden would lead me around a puddle, or keep me from falling when I slipped on the wet grass as we tried to leave the forest. I felt stupid for being so clumsy, but Jaden just chuckled quietly. When we finally got out, and were once again on the sidewalk, I looked at Jaden. I needed to tell him about tomorrow. I wanted him to know, just in case anything happened.

"Jaden...tomorrow...tomorrow is..." for some reason, the words wouldn't come out. I didn't know what to make of it.

Jaden just rubbed the back of my hand with his thumb, and looked at me, with sincere concern. "What is it?"

"Tomorrow is the day my parents died." I said, and there wasn't even an ounce of sadness in my voice. I couldn't help it. I couldn't make it reach my voice. "I-I want you to know that. So you know why the house is so quiet...Mother and Father will be gone all day...to visit Mom and Dad's grave..."

"What about you?" he said, and I hadn't realized till now that we had stopped walking.

"I-I'm not allowed to go..." I whispered, quietly, and immediately regretted it, hoping he hadn’t heard, but as always, he had been paying very close attention.

“Why not?” he asked and I didn’t know what to say. I’m not allowed to because I wasn’t allowed to. Mother and Father had said it themselves. I understood why though. What was the point in me going? I was just going to stand there like a statue, as everyone cried. There wouldn’t be a point. I just ruined the moment. If I wanted to, I could go any other day, but I didn’t. Wasn’t that a sign? I was only prohibited from going on one day, but I never went. That was abnormal wasn’t it? If I cared, wouldn’t I go? Did I not care? Sometimes, even I couldn’t tell. That was what scared me most.

“That’s not the point…” I muttered. “It…it doesn’t affect me… I just wanted you to know what tomorrow was…so that you won’t be surprised when you see everyone…when you see how sad they are…even if they try to hide it…” I whispered, and then I continued to walk, putting my hands in my pockets, but Jaden tugged on my arm and stopped me.

“What about you…are you okay?”

“Fine.” I said, pulling my arm away. “I-I’m fine.”

“Marie…”

I hated when he said my name. He didn’t know me, yet he said my name as if he’d known me all my life. How could he do that? It annoyed me. He wasn’t that close to me, yet he always acted like he was. He needed to be reminded that we weren’t friends. We just lived in the same house, and that was purely by coincidence. I looked at him straight in the eyes, ignoring any feeling I felt when I looked at them; I just pretended he was someone else, some stranger. Then, with a voice empty of any feeling, I spoke. “Yes.” He looked a bit shocked, and a bit upset, but he just shook his head.

“Alright. Never mind…I’m sorry.” He said. I was confused as to why he was apologizing…but I noticed that we were only a block away from home, and so I couldn’t help trying to see the house. As we got closer, I realized Mother and Father’s room light was still on…they were still awake? I didn’t get what they would be doing right now. We came up to the door, and before I could open it, Father opened the door. He glared at me, but as soon as he saw Jaden, he hid his anger.

“Marie, Jaden, you guys were out late weren’t you?” he said, trying to smile. Jaden was about to speak, but I spoke first. They wouldn’t believe whatever Jaden said anyways. There was no point in Jaden telling the truth. Father was mad, and he needed someone to blame.

“I was running away. Jaden stopped me.” I said. I saw Father’s smile fall, as he tried not to show how angry he was. I could feel Jaden looking at me with confusion, but I didn’t turn to look at him.

“Marie, why don’t you come upstairs.”

“Uh, Mr. Grace.” I heard Jaden say, but Mother was already leading him to our room.

“Jaden, dear, I hope you understand. We just want to talk with Marie about why she would want to run away. I hope you can understand that this is a personal matter, dear.” Mother said in her cheery voice, as Father and I walked up the stairs. As soon as we were in their room, Father turned to me and punched me, aiming for my face with full force. I fell to the ground immediately. He had never hit me across the face before; I would definitely have a bruise on my face. Clumsily, I got back up; I wasn’t going to stay down. He wasn’t done. I looked up at his face, and I could see that his eyes were watery. He hit me again, and a few more times in the stomach. Yet, I could tell that his eyes were watery, even though he probably didn’t notice at the moment. I finally landed on the floor, clutching my stomach, and this time, I couldn’t get up. I was coughing and I could taste the blood in my mouth.

It was only then that I realized that he had been saying something to me, but all I heard was, “You’re such an embarrassment. You good-for-nothing brat.” Finally, I got up again, though my legs were wobbly, and I just stared at him. “Get out of here!” he said as he grabbed my hair and dragged me out of the room. I feel to the floor, and just sat there for a few minutes, till I realized Mother was standing in front of me.

“Get out of the way.” She said, as I got up, and leaned against the wall so that she could pass. I went down the stairs and to my bed. I could hear Jaden shifting, and I think he even called my name, but I just ignored him. I was tired, and I already knew that I was going to have a bad night. Hopefully the pain would help me sleep without dreaming. I didn’t want to dream tonight, because I knew I would remember the same memory I always did this time of the year… The same dream about the night before their death, and the last things I said to them, and most of all, when one of the teachers came to me after the performance to tell me the bad news…And for some reason, there was always this image of blood. So much blood, all over me, though I never understood why. I prayed I wouldn’t have the same dream…but there was no point hoping it wouldn’t happen…because I knew it would.

I woke up, sweating. I hated dreaming about them. I had forgotten that I was hurt, and I couldn’t help letting out a small groan because of the pain when I sat up. I looked around the room, and I realized that Jaden was still sleeping. I quietly left the room and headed for the bathroom. My left eye was purple, and the left side of my lip was a bit swollen. I untied my hair, and hid the bruises with it. I hated keeping my hair down, but for today, I had no choice. I looked in the mirror, and since my “bangs” were so long, you couldn’t even see the bruises, nor did it appear too obvious that I was trying to hide that half of my face. I brushed my hair and got dressed and kept my head down as I headed for the door. I don’t know why I thought I could get out without Jaden noticing. Jaden walked up to me and tapped my shoulder as I touched the door handle of the front door.

“Where you going without me, huh?” Jaden said. I could tell he was smiling, but I didn’t dare to lift my head. Of all people, I didn’t want him to see, and I knew if I looked up, he would somehow notice. Unconsciously, I pulled the hood of my sweatshirt up, in the hopes of shading my face a bit more. As soon as I did so, I knew it had only made me look more suspicious. “What’s...” he began to say as he placed his hand under my chin. Quickly, I moved away.

“To school…” I muttered, and I turned around and headed out the door. I walked down the driveway quickly, and I didn’t look back. I walked a block or so, before Jaden got tired of just calling after me, and he finally grabbed my arm.

“Marie? What’s going on?” He said, but I didn’t look at him. I glanced up at him, and before I could say anything, someone spoke from behind me.

“Marie! Jaden! Fancy meeting you guys here! Well…not really…” Tammy said, smiling. “Oh…did I interrupt something?” she said quietly.

“Not at all.” I said, still facing Jaden. Then I turned around and walked up next to her. “Let’s go.” I said. I could feel Tammy looking at me, her eyes filled with worry and sadness. Even though she was trying hard, I knew she was really sad about today. She hadn’t even really known them, yet she always took this day so personally. If I asked, all she said was that she was mourning for me. “Don’t worry about me…worry about yourself. I’m fine, as always…” I said.

We walked to school quietly after that, since some of Jaden’s friends caught up with him, forcing him to leave us alone. At school, I walked to class and kept my head down, and I ignored Tammy’s constant worry about how I wouldn’t look at her. Everything was completely fine until lunch. Tammy had gone to her locker, and I told her I’d meet her outside, if it wasn’t raining. As I went outside the building, toward the benches, I looked up at the sky. It was cloudy, and I could tell it was probably going to rain soon, so I turned around to go back inside, until someone blocked my way.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Kelly and her group laughed. “Don’t you want to talk to us?” This was going to be bad. I stood up straight, even though every part of me ached. I followed them behind one of the school buildings. From here, no one could see us. I looked around, and I knew no one would be coming for me. Maybe Tammy would realize…but that was just wishful thinking. She would probably think I changed my mind, and her friends would distract her. I kept my hair in front of my face, though, and Kelly noticed that I wasn’t looking at her. “Hey, look here.” She said, reaching for my face. I quickly shoved her hand away. “What the heck?” she yelled. She tried to grab my face again, but I pushed her away, and moved toward the wall of the building. “Really, you want to fight? Hey, you guys grab her.” As she said this, four of the girls grabbed me. I shoved them off a few times, but then I just gave up, knowing I wouldn't win in my current condition. They got a tight grip on me. As they did this, all of them laughed, especially Kelly. They were so stupid. What did they gain from this? There was no point fighting, they would just pick on me more. I didn’t want to deal with this every day. Kelly grabbed my face roughly and pulled it up. My hair fell out of my face, and after a look of surprise, she smiled. “Look at this, I guess someone saved us the job of beating you up.” She laughed as her group joined her. That is when I realized the drops of water that were rolling down my cheeks. It was raining.

“Kelly, let’s go! I don’t want to get wet!” one of the girls said.

“Sure, let’s go.” Kelly said. As they walked by me, they pushed me against the building. My body already ached, so it hurt more with the pushes. As I got wet from the rain, I bent down. I was tired, and I needed to calm down before I went back inside. I raised my head and closed my eyes, letting the drops of water fall on my face, making my bruised eye and cut lip sting. I sat there quietly, trying not to think of anything.

“Marie...”

My eyes shot open, and I lowered my head as I stood. Jaden came up to me. “What are you doing here?” he asked. I just kept looking down. “Marie, why are you here when it’s raining?” He was waiting for a response, but I had a better question.

“What are you doing here?” I mumbled.

“I was looking for you…” he said, with a small nervous chuckle. “Your turn.” He said, looking at me.

“I’m going…” I said, and I walked by him, but he turned me around, and I unintentionally looked up. I knew he saw my face because he was shocked. I quickly lowered my head, but I knew it was too late.

“Marie, what happened?” he asked, and I didn’t know what to say. I took a few steps back, but he took a few steps forward as well. “Wait…was someone bullying you?” he said, but I kept my face down. I didn’t say anything, and we stood there, getting drenched by the rain. “Marie… at least give me your phone…I’ll put my cell number in it, so you can call me when something like this happens…” he said, and then I felt him lift my head. “Hey, you hear me…I promise I will be anywhere you need me if you call…”

“I-I-I don’t have a phone…” I said, not quite sure why I hadn’t said something earlier. I liked what he said…

“What? Really?” he sounded really surprised, but then I heard someone call us from behind.

“Marie! Jaden!” Tammy said, turning the corner, holding a book over her head to keep her hair from getting wet. “What are you guys doing here? Jaden you really scared me when you were running around looking for Marie…Wait, Marie…Why are you here?” she eyed me carefully, and then walked up to me. “I knew something was fishy…” she muttered, as she stood in front of me. She pushed my hair out of my face, and gasped. Her face turned red, but not with embarrassment. “Marie… Who did this?!” After a second she gasped again. “Did Kelly attack you here? What the Hell! Just wait here, I’m going to teach that brat a lesson!” she said, about to turn around, but I grabbed her arm.

“I’m fine. I can protect myself. Stop acting like I can’t.” I sighed, and slowly, her anger dissipated. “Let’s just go inside…” I muttered, taking this time to get a head start back into the building. I didn’t want to talk about this anymore.

“Shouldn’t we do something?” I could hear Jaden say as I walked away, and I also heard Tammy’s sigh in response to the question. Tammy and I both knew that nothing would happen. Even she knew, though she didn’t want to admit it was true, that Kelly hadn’t touched me. Sure, she shoved me, but the bruises weren’t from her. Jaden didn’t get it. I could hear their footsteps behind me, as the bell rang, forcing us to go back to class. But as I walked to class, I realized I felt like I was still there, still sitting in the rain, with my face up to the sky. I could still feel the stinging on my face from the little droplets of water, but I just continued quietly sitting there… Another year has passed…Don’t worry Mom and Dad, your little girl is fine…