The Girl Who Couldn't Feel

I slept very restlessly, but that wasn’t new. Every sound and movement had me jumping up. It was something that had started as soon as I started fighting in a sort of ‘gang’. It had been to relieve stress or something, right? I didn’t even remember how it started, but this paranoia remained. It was my way of protecting myself. I didn’t know when someone would attack me, so my body responded by maintaining an awareness, even when I slept.

There were no windows in my room, so I tried to rely on my internal clock to tell me when to get up, but when I looked at the time, I was an hour early. I tried to sleep, but since that proved fruitless, I got up and got ready for school. In the bathroom I was sure not to look in the mirror. I had always hated school, but now I found myself feeling nervous. Whoever they expected, I wasn’t her anymore. This was going to be… odd. When I was done, I snuck back into my room and picked up my backpack. My ‘roommate’ appeared to still be asleep.

I headed out the door and to Tammy’s house. I climbed the tree near her window and tried to open the door… only to find it was locked. WHY was it locked? She never locked this window. NEVER. I sighed and moved back on the branch and sat down. I guess I would have to wait till she got up. I looked at the time, and I knew that she would probably be up soon, so I relaxed and looked at the dark sky slowly get brighter.

“MAR-MAR?” I heard Tammy say, waking me up. Apparently I had fallen asleep. I looked at her and then she gave me some room to come in through the window. I stood up and walked on the branch calmly; smiling at the fact that Tammy was terrified. As soon as I was in she hit my shoulder. “WHAT was that? Are you TRYING to DIE?” She growled at me.

“Oh, come on. I’m practically a monkey. Climbing trees is second nature for me.” I sighed as I sat on the windowsill.

“Don’t sit there!” She said, and I suddenly remembered what I wanted to ask her.

“Why was the window locked?”

“What?”

“Why was the window locked?” I repeated as I turned to look at her.

“Because a couple years back, you finally learned how to use the DOOR.” She said, and then she smiled but I didn’t. Wow, things had really changed.

“Tammy! Is someone in your room?” I heard Mrs. Pierce say. I was climbing back out the window, when Tammy grabbed my arm and pulled me back in so I stayed. Mrs. Pierce came in and smiled widely. “Oh dear! I’m glad you’re alright!” She said as she came towards me, probably to give me a hug, but I moved away from her and looked at her cautiously. Last I remembered, we were not on a ‘touchy-feely’ basis. Mrs. Pierce kept smiling. “I’m so sorry. I forgot.” She said calmly, and I felt guilty.

Everyone gave me that feeling. Guilt. They were all being SO nice, making me the bad apple. But they hadn’t lost their memories had they? “It’s fine.” I muttered a bit. After some small chat, Mrs. Pierce left and I was going to just go back out the window, but Tammy told me to just come downstairs and I nervously agreed. It was out of my comfort zone and I wasn’t sure if I had it in me to be civil.

I sat awkwardly at the table with Tammy’s family when the doorbell rang.

“I’ll get it,” is said, trying to get away from the others. I stood up quickly and went to the door to open it and I couldn’t believe who was there. “Parker?!” I smiled as I immediately jumped at him, laughing.

“Marie, my angel.” Parker said, a bit cautiously. “Now, let me take a look at you.” He said as he put me down and looked at my face, smiling. His smile fell when he saw the Band-Aid on my forehead. He brushed my hair away from it lightly.

“It’s just a scrape you worry-wart.” I smiled. “I’m perfectly fine.”

He looked at me for a second before his smile came back. “Excluding the memory loss, of course.” He said as he pat my head.

“Yeah.” I said, and my smile fell.

“Oh! Parker!” Tammy said from behind me as she ran up to us. “I wasn’t expecting you so soon.” Immediately I noticed that there was something I was missing.

“Well, I was able to move around my schedule, get out of a couple meetings…” Parker said, smiling again.

“What’s going on?” I finally said looking at the two of them. “Something’s up, I know it.” I sighed when neither responded.

“Well, actually Marie, Parker and I were thinking… um…” Tammy said as she nervously laughed.

“That maybe it would be best if you stayed with me for a while.” Parker said as he put his arm around me.

“What’s wrong with, I don’t know, MY house…” I replied, confused and a bit irritated that this was planned behind my back. I shrugged Parker’s arm off me.

“Actually Marie, you don’t get along too well with, umm, Aunt and Uncle.”

I smirked. “I don’t remember every getting along with them. What does that have to do with this?”

“Marie, it’s only for a little bit, I swear.” Parker said with this smile that felt wrong. I knew Parker well enough to know when something was off. He was lying.

“I love you, Parker.” I said to him with a smile and hugged him tightly. “But I am NOT going with you.” I said boldly.

“Marie…” He tried to speak.

“I’m not going to go, Parker. It’s final. I want to stay. It’s probably the best way to get my memory back. You know, daily routine or whatever.” Parker was not someone I could just scare into letting me do what I wanted. Yelling and fighting would only worry him more.

“Marie, it’s already been decided.” Parker said, his smile gone.

I stared at him for a while as my smile fell as well. “I don’t want to fight over this.”

“Then just come with me.” Parker replied.

“Don’t test me Parker, you’ll lose.” I said staring at him.

“Why are you being so stubborn? You don’t even know anyone here. You don’t really recognize anyone or anything. What’s the point?”

“Because it FEELS right!” I growled back.

“Nobody wants you here.” Parker said angrily. I paused, surprised by the remark. He looked at me angrily.

“Parker…” Tammy mumbled. Suddenly Parker calmed down and then looked a bit guilty.

“I already know what it’s like to be unwanted… hasn’t stopped me before.” I tried to say calmly, but my voice came out a bit hoarse. Then I realized the question I had been forgetting to ask. “Why do you want me to leave, anyways?” I said suddenly curious and bothered. Parker didn’t say anything so I looked at Tammy. “What are you trying to keep me away from?”

“Nothing, Marie.” Tammy sighed.

“Don’t you dare lie to me, too.” I growled. “Fine, don’t tell me, but I promise you I’ll find out.”

“We’re trying to protect you!” Tammy suddenly said frustrated.

“In case you’ve forgotten, I can take care of myself.”

“You’ve shown how well you can do that.” Parker rolled his eyes.

“What are you gonna do, huh? Because the one thing I’m sure of is that you’re going to have to kill me and drag my dead body to get me to leave.” I said to Parker and then looked at Tammy. “I don’t know who I was before, but I’m not that person anymore. Remember that. I will fight you if I have to. I swear.” I looked at them with a straight face and finally pushed by Parker and left.

What was wrong with them? Who did they think I was? I didn’t need their help. Seriously. If I remembered correctly I was the one protecting Tammy. It was NEVER the other way. It wasn’t even only that. What annoyed me most was that I felt like I didn’t even know them. That was not Parker. He was someone else. He would never say what he had just said. He would never do what he was trying to do. I didn’t get them.

I walked to school alone. I had a feeling that the guy in my room would walk to school with Tammy, so I wasn’t all that worried. I just really wanted to see the school. I wanted something to look familiar. I looked at the sheet Tammy had given me with my locker number and locker code. Maybe something there would look familiar, a familiar notebook or something. Was I the type to keep a journal or something? Hopefully that was the case, though I had a feeling I wasn’t. When I finally found my locker, I started looking through it. I looked for some sort of journal but found nothing. I didn’t recognize anything so I shut the locker grumpily.

I was about to go to class, when I realized how much I didn’t want to. I was tired of thinking. The headache was back. No more thinking. I hated it. I tried to empty my mind, but I knew going to class wouldn’t help. However, I had a feeling I knew a place that would be a bit more fun.

I walked to the group of trailer classes that were never used and went behind them. You couldn’t be seen by anybody from here. Several kids were sitting around smoking and laughing, but they stopped as soon as I approached they stopped.

“You guys are still here?” I laughed a bit as the group just stared. “What, I’ve been gone so long you don’t recognize me?” I smiled.

“What are you doing here?” One guy, who was leaning against the back of the trailer, said as he blew out a puff of smoke. It took me a minute but then I recognized him. It was Blade.

“What am I no longer invited?” I smiled, but nobody spoke. “Awww. And I thought we were good friends…” I said to Blade as I approached him and took the cigarette out of his mouth, placing it in mine and inhaling deeply. I took the cigarette out of my mouth and exhaled, smiling. I actually hated smoking. I didn’t enjoy it and I hated how my clothes smelled afterwards. At the same time, it helped me maintain an image, so I only smoked if it was really necessary. It also happened to be helping me clear my mind.

He finally smirked and I handed the cigarette back to him. “Get out of here, if you know what’s good for you.” He said seriously as the others began standing up as well.

“Ahh. So you plan to make me go by force?” I said, feigning worry. “Perfect.” I smiled. This is was the best remedy to the headache. My hair was in a tight ponytail, but my bangs hung in my face. Quickly, I pulled the hairband out of my hair and wrapped it around my wrist. My long hair fell to my waist and it was still pin straight. I don’t know why I preferred fighting with my hair open. It was habit, but I didn’t know how it started.

One guy jumped at me, but I dodged his jump. However, I didn’t notice that he had a broken beer bottle. He swung at me and scratched my arm, but I swung my right arm and hit him in the face. He tripped on something as he took a step back and fell on the ground. The bottle broke to pieces as it hit the floor. I pulled out the blade from my pocket as I stepped on the guy’s chest. “That wasn’t fair…” I said in a pouty voice. “So now it’s time for your punishment. What should I cut up first?” I sang as I smiled at him.

“Marie?” I heard a familiar voice say. I looked up to see Kelly. I looked at the guy below me as he coughed and struggled. Finally, I took my foot off him and kicked him hard in the side. That would teach him a lesson about messing with me. “Now, now. It’s not right to play with your food.”

I smiled. “What can I say, it’s an old habit.”

“You keep doing that and people might start to think you’re crazy.”

“They’d be right.” I smiled. She seemed a bit different. Snobbier, I guess. It also felt like I was being treated like some sort of enemy.

“Nice to have you back.” She responded, still wary as she walked up and stood next to Blade.

“So, you’ve heard about that already. Last I remember, we were friends. But your attitude says otherwise about our current relationship.” I sighed, and she didn’t smile. “What’d I do? Steal ‘your man’.” I said while laughing. I looked at her face and could practically see her fume. “No way, really?” I said surprised. “Who?” I asked but that just made her angrier.

“Just get out of here, Marie. Go back to your ‘precious friends’.” She said as she took a few steps.

The way she said it tipped me off. “Wait… you like, what’s his name…Jason? No, wait. Jaden?” I smiled. When I saw her cheeks flush a bit I started laughing. “Why would I want him? You can have him.” I said as I tried to stop laughing.

“You promise not to go near him.” She said looking at me carefully, but I continued to smile impishly.

“I’ll promise not to ‘seduce’ the guy, but I want something in return.”

“What?” Kelly growled.

“I want back in… on my own terms.”

“Fine. We can discuss it.” Kelly said angrily, but with a smile. “It’s a deal.” She said as she walked away.

Once she was gone, the others went back to talking and smoking. Several said hi or nodded and smiled. Except for Blade, who just kept staring at me. “I guess that makes us friends.” I smiled at him.

“It makes us acquaintances. Not friends.” He said as he dropped his cigarette and put it out with the bottom of his shoe.

“Still such a downer, huh?” I laughed. He was actually a lot taller than me, which felt weird. His hair just reached his shoulders and it was brown in color. It almost hid the piercings on his right ear.

“Well, we can’t all lose our memories and start a new life.” He sighed as he picked up a backpack.

“Where are you going?” I called as he began to walk away.

“Class. All of us aren’t as naturally intelligent as you.” He walked a few more steps but the stopped and sighed and then turned around. He walked back to me. He was only a foot away, but I didn’t arm myself because he was not the kind to pull a surprise attack. He bent down a bit and whispered in my ear. “You don’t belong here.” He moved back and looked me in the eye. “You actually HAVE a future. You’re not a worthless piece of trash like the rest of us.”

I smiled. “You’re no different.”

He finally smirked again. “We’re very different Marie. I’m no genius. I’ll rot here with this lot, but hopefully I won’t see you again.” He said as he turned back away from me and kept walking.

I looked at the rest of the group, covered in scars and several with sullen faces from too much smoking. Most of them were already drunk, slurring their words, their minds slowly turning into mush from the alcohol abuse. Then, I sat down next to them and grabbed a bottle. Maybe if I just drank enough then the headaches would go away. I don’t need this stupid brain. I didn’t ask to be smart. I wanted my mind to be QUIET for once, but it was always racing. Always reminding me of my past mistakes and always showing me the future ones that I was bound to make. Always.

I drank a few sips and stopped. I never had liked the taste and I knew what would happen to me if I became an alcoholic. I couldn’t even get drunk properly without thinking. So instead, I just sat there among the others, punishing myself by trying to belong there. Blade was right, but I couldn’t stop there.

That is what Blade didn’t understand. I couldn’t stop because there was something dark in me. Something really black. I could hurt people without a second thought. Sure it fueled the headache, but it also managed to reduce the pain. I was sick and that’s why I belonged.

I stayed with the others all day, and Blade didn’t come back. Who knew he was so studious. The bell rang, signaling the end of school, and I got up to leave. That was when Blade and Kelly both walked back.

“There’s a fight with a couple of the guys from the school a few blocks away.” Kelly said to all of us. Everyone got up and stood behind Kelly until I was the only one standing alone.

“Weapons?” I asked.

“Anything goes, except for guns of course.” She smiled.

“What the heck. Let’s have some fun.” I smiled back. And I followed them as well. My only real worry was that someone might break the rules, which wouldn’t be unusual. But hey, risks are what life’s all about right?

“Well, then. Blade, I leave it to you.” She said as she began walking away.

“Still having others do the dirty work for you, huh?” I laughed.

“Remember your place.” Kelly said as she turned to face me.

“I have no ‘place’.” I smiled. She looked like she was going to say something, but Blade spoke.

“We don’t have time for this, let’s go.” He growled and he began walking. After staring at Kelly and smiling, I followed.

We were almost outside the school gate when someone grabbed me. It was my roommate. “Where do you think you’re going?” He said and his voice was thick with anger.

“When did that start to concern you?” I said as I pulled my arm away from him. I saw Tammy spot us as well and I knew this would take some time so I turned to Kelly and the group. “Go on without me, I’ll catch up.” I smiled. Blade stared at me for a bit and sighed before walking away, the others following him. He sighed way too much.

“So, um, what’s your name again?” I asked, though I already knew. Just looking at him brought the headache back.

“Jaden.” He said calmly. “Forgotten me already?” he said, but I didn’t look at him. He grabbed my chin roughly and forced me to look at him. “Have you really forgotten?” He said, but he didn’t look angry. He looked hurt.

“N-no.” I accidentally said and I immediately felt horrified. WHAT WAS THAT! His grief was no concern of mine! I didn’t owe him anything. Why did I even care? Why did I immediately try to comfort him… I felt so stupid.

“What did you-“ Jaden began to say, as surprised by my comment as I was, but my face didn’t have a huge cocky smile on it.

“Marie!” I suddenly heard Tammy’s voice as she stood a few feet away. Jaden let me go and took a step back. “What are you doing?” She said as she walked up to me. “Is that alcohol I smell?” She said in a low but alarmed tone as she sniffed me. “What’s going on… you’re not…”

“I am.” I responded without looking at her.

“Marie, you can’t go back to that. You don’t even like it.” She said as she held my shoulders. I shrugged her off.

“Yeah, but I’m not that person anymore.” I rolled my eyes. “I’m so sick and tired of you trying to tell me who I am. I don’t need that.”

“Marie, you can hide behind all this fighting if you want, but it’s not going to work!” Tammy tried to say calmly. “Instead of trying to hide just TALK to me. Please Marie. Don’t do this. PLEASE.”

I covered my ears as my head pounded. “God, can’t you just SHUT UP!” I yelled. They were both quiet. “I don’t know you anymore.” I sighed. “The Tammy I knew wouldn’t go behind my back and plan to ship me off who-knows-where. I don’t know you, either of you.” I squeezed my hands even more tightly over my ears, as hard as I could. There was a huge stabbing pain in my head originating from my forehead. I don’t know how it happened, but suddenly I was on my knees and my head felt ready to explode.

“Marie?” I felt someone touch me, and my immediate response was to smack their hand away. I pulled my hands away from my head and managed to drag myself a few feet before the stabbing pain in my head throbbed again. This time I just held my head.

I tried to look in front of me but it was so difficult. I could see Jaden, who had touched me and Tammy stood a bit further behind. They were scared of me. “DON’T touch me!” I yelled through the pain. I tried standing up and managed to do so long enough to grab the school gate that was behind me. “Don’t… Don’t come…near… near me.” I muttered. I was already drenched in sweat. I tried to focus on Jaden and Tammy, but that only made the pain worse. Suddenly the two of them were just colors. I tried to focus again, to swim through the pain. My muscles couldn’t bear anymore, and I was somewhat aware that I was falling.

And for a moment, just one moment, as I tried to open my eyes, I saw something unbelievable. An angel. I waited for impact, but it never came.

Instead I felt as if I were being lifted…

Up.