Adolescent

What do I say to this? Do I ask how he is? Do I get mad? Or do I hang up and never talk to him again? I couldn’t do that. I purposely had my parents tell the orphanage for a reason to give him my phone number and address. Oh, god. Was he outside my house right now?

I shook those rumbling thoughts out of my head and reached down for my phone. I pressed it up to my ear, breathing slightly heavy. I waited for someone to start talking, but I think he was waiting on the same thing. I opened my mouth to speak, but he beat me too it.

“Hillari?”His voice slightly cracked; maybe he thought I hung up on him?

“Y-yes?”I whispered.

“I thought you hung up.”He whimpered quietly.

“No, I-”I breathed.”How are you?”

I could feel a small smile crawl to his lips. I was trying to be civil; I didn’t know why he left me in the first place. Common courtesy was all I could give right now. He chuckled slightly and I felt an easiness run through the both of us.

“I’m okay.”He stated.”How about yourself, sweetheart?”

He was a sweet man, but I didn’t want to take many chances. Did my parents know I was talking with my biological father right now? Would they be angry that he hadn’t spoken to them first? I heard him sniffle softly on the other end and I froze. He was crying right now; why was he crying?

“I’m sorry, Hillari.”He stated quietly.

“Sorry?”I asked.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”He choked.

“Oh, um,”What do I say?

I swallowed hard and looked over at the time. It was almost six o’ clock. I couldn’t use going to bed an excuse to get off the phone. I had mixed feelings about this. I wanted to hang up right away, but then again I wanted to talk for hours about the past. How beautiful was my mother?

How long were they together; did they get married? Was I an accident? I choked softly on my breath and thought hard about an excuse. It was too soon; I wasn’t expecting this so soon. I clutched my knees into my chest and sighed into the phone.

“Jimmy,”I said quietly.”I have to go to bed.”

I could almost feel the sadness overwhelm him and myself, for that matter.

“At six o’ clock at night?”He was hurt, I could tell.

“Well,”I began.”I don’t know what time it is by you, you know? I don’t want you up all night, or,”

“Don’t worry, Hillari. I understand. I’m nervous too.”He said.”I’ll call you soon, if that’s okay?”

“Of course it is.”I answered too quickly; we both knew it.

“And one more thing,”He said.”it’s six o’clock by me aswell. I live in Fountain Valley.”

He lived so close. Was he this close this whole time?

“Oh,”I felt horrible I cut it so short.

What did we exchange only a few sentences? The phone was silent for a few moments, making it more awkward than it was supposed to be.

“Do you want me to call back?”He whispered.

I thought for a moment and shook my head. I wouldn’t have given out the number for nothing. I smiled warmly and answered, “I do, Jimmy. I want you to call me back. I have your number too, so it can go both ways.”

“Thankyou, sweetheart.”He chuckled softly.

“I’ll talk to you soon, Jimmy.”We hung up the phone and I let it slip from my fingers.

The soft clank was echoed out by my quiet sobs. I shoved my face into my hands and cried softly. I curled up against my headboard and let it all go. I was upset for a reason, but I couldn’t tell a soul if it were for a bad reason or for a good one. I was so confused and concerned.

Would he ever call me back? Would I call him? Would we have the courage to hear each other’s voice again? I had so many questions, but I already knew they wouldn’t be answered. At least not soon enough. By now I had broken down and lost control. I was afraid my sobs would be heard from downstairs and my parents would come up.

I didn’t want them to know about Jimmy. Not yet at least. It would be my little secret for now. I swallowed hard and wiped down my swollen eyes. My make-up was most likely running down my cheeks. I needed to take a shower before I faced anyone. I crawled out my bed slowly. I felt my muscles tense under the pressure.

I could have sworn my body creaked with each step I took. I rummaged through my drawers and my hands emerged with black sweatpants and a t-shirt. It was good enough for now, at least. As I stepped into my bathroom, my eyes were blurring again. I shut the door behind me and slowly locked it.

I stripped from my clothing and turned the shower on as hot as my body would allow. I was so happy that he wanted to talk to me, but I was so upset that it was so many years later. I expected if not to ever hear from him, to have been the best of friends by the end of the conversation.

But I guess beggars can’t be choosers. At least not in my case. My shower was long and relaxing, but my mind was the only thing not resting at this point. When I stepped out I changed quickly, feeling the brush of cold air send goosebumps all over my skin. I needed to go for a walk and think for a little bit.

I brushed my hair back into a messy bun and slipped on my flip flops. I jogged down the stairs, rubbing my eyes continuously. When I neared the bottom I bumped into my dad. He looked down and smiled; he didn’t realize I had been crying. At least not yet.

“What’s up, sug?”He asked.”Where you goin’?”

“I’m gonna call Dev. Maybe take a walk. Don’t know yet.”I smiled.

“Just don’t be back late, alright? You were home later than normal the other night.”He said.

“I know, but I wont tonight. If anything happens, like I stay the night somewhere, I’ll call and let you know, okay?”I stated.

“Alright, sugar. Just be careful alright? I love you.”I hugged him goodbye and walked out my front door.

That was a normal teenage life for me. Not every teenager gets a call in mid day by their biological father. What would the other kids do? Would they refuse to want anything to do with them? Or would they push forward and become best friends? I was only hoping the best for me.

I pushed a Newport in between my lips and quickly lit it. I inhaled deeply on a long drag and began to cough. I grabbed my chest and leaned over, shaking my head. Enough was enough. I needed to calm myself down and figure everything out. It wasn’t so bad; he wasn’t an asshole over the phone.

He was just as nervous as I was. After I regained my oxygen supply I took a smaller drag on my cigarette. I reached into my pocket and pulled out my phone, hesitantly dialing Devin’s number. I emerged back at the park and sat on the swing, waiting for him to answer.

Seconds passed by and I reached his voicemail. With a sigh, I hung up, not even bothering to leave a message. His inbox was probably full anyway. I shoved my phone back into my pocket and finished up with my smoke. I stepped it out into the sand and began to push myself back and forth.

The cool breeze felt great against my skin as I continued on. I closed my eyes, breathing in deeply. I was eventually calming myself down and only feeling slightly numb, in a way. When I opened my eyes again, car lights shone through the dimming sky. It was getting dark quickly.

The car slowed to a stop and I smiled warmly. Devin stepped out of his car and walked over, giving off a small grin. He stood in front of me and knelt down, meeting my height easily. I stopped swinging quickly and looked up at him. I always had him for a backup shoulder to cry on.

“What’s up, Hillari?”He asked.

I don’t know if it’s the fact that he had asked me, or that I was waiting on that final break down. He pulled me into a tight, warm hug as I cried quietly on his shoulder. He was confused, but he was saving the questions for later. I took in a small gasp and he began to rub the small of my back.

“What happened, sweetheart?”He asked.

“Honestly, I don’t know why,”I breathed.”I’m so upset.”

“It’s okay to cry for no reason, Hillari.”He sat down in the sand and pulled me with him, careful not to let me touch the sand.

I sat in his lap, wondering why I was so upset in the first place. Nothing bad had gone wrong. In fact, this was probably the best news I’ve had in a long time. Someone that was actually related to me wanted to know what I had been up to for the past seventeen years. Was that bad?

I calmed down once again and I instantly felt better about the whole situation. We stayed silent for a little while, enjoying the weather and the colourful sky. I leaned tirelessly against Devin’s broad chest and was getting more tired with every heart beat. He brushed at my hair, smiling down at me.

“Do you want to tell me what happened?”He asked quietly.

I shook my head softly and looked up into his eyes. I said softly, “Jimmy called me today.”

“Your father?”He was stunned; I don’t think he was expecting it so soon ether.

“Yeah. It was a quick conversation, though. Awkward.”I whispered.

“You have to expect that, though.”He said.”He’s never seen or spoken to you before. He was probably nervous as hell.”

“Yeah.”I chuckled softly.”I think I hurt his feelings, though, Devin.”

“How?”He wrapped his arms loosely over my chest; I held his hands tightly.

“I told him I had to go. It was late.”I said.”Turns out it was six by him too. He lives in Fountain Valley.”

“That’s only a few minutes from here.”He was surprised again.

“That was it, really. Then we hung up.”I sighed.

“You going to call him? Or is he going to call you?”He asked quietly.

“Ether. I told him I want to speak to him again.”I said.

“And you’re upset about it?”He questioned.

“Mixed feelings, I guess. I didn’t know what to think about it. I kind of,”I paused.”kind of just wanted to cry. I was excited but upset at the same time, ya know?”

“Well I can honestly tell you I don’t know how you feel, but I have an idea.”I nodded slowly and yawned loudly.”Tired, babe?”

“A little. Been a long day.”I smiled.

“Do you feel better at least?”He asked.

“Yeah, I do, actually.”I chuckled.”Thankyou, Dev.”

“Lets get you home, Hill-”I cut him off quickly.

“Actually, can we go to your house?”I asked quietly; he could say no, I’d understand.

“M-My,”He smiled.”of course we can.”

I leaned forward to stand and fell as Devin stood from underneath me. He laughed at my attempt to get up and I couldn’t help but chime in on the laughter.

“Asshole.”I giggled.

He grabbed my hands gently and pulled me to my feet. We walked back to his car, slowly but surely. I was pretty sure we both wanted to stay out, but what was there to do? We made it to his house in minutes and happily walked through his front door. His mom sat at the kitchen table, trying desperately to manage money for her bills.

“Hi Ms. Thatcher.”I smiled.

Devin’s hand was resting politely on my hip and he smiled over at his mom. She looked up, cigarette in hand and offered a genuine smile. No matter what life through at her, she was always a happy, kind person.

“Hi sweetheart.”She looked from Devin’s hand to me once more.”I guess you guys are a thing now?”

“I guess so.”Devin blushed.

“Took you long enough.”She turned back to her bills and sighed quietly.”You’re more than welcome to stay the night Hillari.”

“Thankyou, Ms. Thatcher.”I said.

Devin and I walked to his small bedroom and shut the door behind us. I turned to him and squeezed his hand tightly.

“Thankyou again, Dev.”I stated.

“No problem, Hillari.”He flopped down on his bed, moving over to let me crawl in with him.”You want to stay tonight? Get you out for a little bit?”

“I’d love to babe.”I reached into my pocket and dialed home, hearing my mom pick up on the other end.

“Yes?”She was most likely smiling at this point.

“I’m stayin’ at Devin’s house tonight. Don’t party too hard without me.”I laughed loudly.

“Don’t worry, we will.”My mom giggled.”Have a good night sweetheart.”

“Night mom. I love you.”With one last love you too, we hung up.

I turned to Devin and smiled, almost hungrily at him. I crawled into bed, but instead of lying next to him, I lied over him, pressing my lips gently to his. His large, soft hands met my face and he pulled me further into him. I rested my hands at the side of his head and smiled into the kiss.

“That smile always means something bad.”He chuckled.

“You know it, babe.”I softly bit his bottom lip and giggled.

He rolled me over to my back almost elegantly and forced the kiss to be more passionate. I wouldn’t complain; I felt the love and I knew it was there for a long time. His kisses left my lips and trailed down my slender neck, ending at my collar bone. He looked up at me and gave an awkward smile.

“I don’t think you’re ready for anything, Hillari.”He breathed.

“Why do you say that?”I kissed him again, trying to egg him on further.

“Only because your emotions are so mixed up right now.”He commented.”I don’t want you feeling sorry about what you did tonight in the next day or so.”

“Oh, Devin, I-”He silenced my whispers with a kiss and pulled away.

“Just give it some thought, sweetheart.”He lied next to me and placed one last kiss on my lips.”Just a little thought, alright?”

I had to be happy that he took my feelings into consideration, but I was slightly angry that he wouldn’t allow it. We had known each other for so long and we never did anything but party and hang around each other all the time. But then again, he was right. It could just be the situation. I was upset and confused, but I wanted the love to prove it would be okay. At least for a little while.

“Alright, Dev.”I sat up and looked down at him.”But if you try this move next time, I’m taking advantage of your ass.”

“I’m scared.”He smirked.

“You should be. I’ll tie your buff ass up and make you my slave.”I pecked him on the lips and fell back onto the bed.

“I think it should be the other way around.”He laughed.

“Not in this relationship.”I grinned.

He wrapped his arms around me and effortlessly pulled me across the bed, into his chest. I tried my best to wrap my arms all the way around him, but ether my arms were too short, or he needed to calm down on the muscle mass.

“You’re beautiful, Hillari.”He whispered.

He pressed his lips to my forehead and let a tired smile come to his lips.

“The most beautiful girl in the world.”He yawned.

“Thankyou, Devin.”I blushed.”But you don’t have to give me compliments.”

“Of course I do.”He began.”You deserve them.”

I rested my head against his chest, allowing his heart beat to lull me to sleep. I never left his grasp as the night came and went. I was shocked to learn Jimmy got in touch with me, but all I could do was take it one step at a time. That’s what anyone could do, really.