Women of Anarchy: Never Look Back

I woke up with the sun in my face out of instinct I move my hand to the other side of the bed anticipating on feeling a strong muscled body to pull me into its warmth but instead felt the cool crisp sheets. I opened my blue eyes to see the empty side of the bed. Memory came flooding back and I felt the sting of the pain again.

I pulled myself out of bed and walked downstairs. Mom was in the kitchen washing two plates and two coffee cups telling me Will and dad had already left. "Hey honey" she said wrapping me in a hug. "Morning mom" I walked over to the coffee pot and poured a cup. "Grab my coffee and come out here and eat with me" she told me holding two plates. I grabbed her coffee cup and followed her out the sliding glass door and on to the wrap around porch. She sat the plates on the patio table and pulled out her chair. I handed her her coffee before taking my seat.

I felt her intense stare on me as I slowly ate. "How are you holding up baby?". I knew her question was indicated toward Jason. "Im doing alright for the shape Im in. I get a little more used to him not being there when I wake up, but it still doesnt help the pain. I mean we had our entire life planned." tears burned my eyes "We were going to come home then have this beautiful wedding then we were talking about having our honeymoon in Europe. We were going to come home and he was going to take over his title as President of the Hidalgos and then when everything calmed down we were going to start trying for kids." I was crying now at the though of not being able to do any of those things with Jason. Not hearing the preacher tell me I was the new "Mrs. Jason Sander", not going on our honeymoon. Not seeing him take his cut back and be patched in the new president not being able to have his kids. I would never be able to make love to him again.I took a deep breath before continuing "but the sun came up again this morning I guess God is trying to tell me the world isnt ending even if it feels like it" I said with a shaky voice.

"Oh honey Im sorry I cant say I know how it feels for a husband to be taken from me cause I dont. But Jason loved you and you loved him and he knew that. The way he looked at you you could tell he would gladly jump infront of a bullet for you. I never wanted you to marry into this life but I guess I should have known better I mean you grew up in this. But I was happy to see you found someone who would take care of you and love you. Both me and your father knew he could protect you from the threats this life can stir up. He would have wanted you to be happy. He even told me so last time you two cam back to visit you were in the shower and Jason told me 'If she ever wanted me to leave all she would have to do is say so even if that meant I was heartbroken and hurt I would do it just to make her happy. Even then I would still make sure she was protected and she would always be loved even if I wasnt the one in her arms' . He wants you to be happy Dixie" by now she too had tears shining in her eyes.
"I know...." I told her.

After we finished eating we cleaned the dishes. The house phone rang and mom went to answer it.
"Dixie Jax is going to be here in an hour to come get you and take you to the garage. He wants to tell you something" she told me. I walked upstairs and showered before I changed and finished my make up and hair. I grabbed the leather jacket hanging on the back of the chair in front of my desk.
I heard the familiar sound of a motorcycle. I walked downstairs and saw Jax talking to my mom. "Hey darlin' " he smiled at me pulling me in for a hug. "Hey Jax" I smiled sadly. "Well I better get ready me, Gemma, and Luanne are all going out to lunch." she said leaving the kitchen with a wave of her hand. Jax grabbed my hand and walked toward the door. When we reached the bike I pulled on my helmet I had grabbed from my room when Jax stopped me by reach for my left hand. "Your still wearing your engagment ring?" he asked confused. I shrugged "Why not? I just cant bring myself to take it off yet. Ill probably take it off after the funeral." I told him looking at the shining diamond sadly.
"When was the last time you rode?" he asked. "Last time Jason and I were here on leave" I told him before swinging my leg over the bike. I wrapped my arms around him as he drove to Teller-Morrow. "I have to finish up something here first then Ill take you where I wanted to show you" he told me. "ok”
Jax walked into the garage and I walked into the office. "Hey Gemma" "Hey Dixie what are you doing here?" she asked. "Your son brought me here saying he needs to finish something up before he takes me somewhere." I told her leaning back on the desk. "That sounds like Jax" she smiled "Will is out at the ring if you want to go see him. Your dad might be there too." she told me.
I nodded before I walked out and toward the ring. My dad Tig and Chibs were all lounging on a picnic table watching Will fight half sack. I sat on the table and put my legs inbetween my dad and Chibs as I watched Will and Half Sack throw punches. Tig grabbed a pack of smokes from his shirt pocket before he put them awayI grabbed one and took out my zippo lighter and lit it before lighting Tig's for him. "When did you start smoking again?" Tig asked. "Today apparently" I said breathing in the smoke and blowing it out through my nose watching as Will brought Half Sack to the ground "Smart ass" Tig mumbled. "Combintations Half Sack !!You cant be throwin' on punch at aye time" Chibs yelled standing up before sitting back down. I chuckled soflty shaking my head before Chibs switched Will out for my dad. "Oh come on now Chibs what are you doing?" I asked as my dad threw his shirt on the table and climbed in the ring. He looked to be having one of his better days walking though. Will took his spot and looked up at me as I blew smoke in his directon. "Come on Dixie you know I do alot of things but smoking is not one of them." Will growled waving the smoke away. "Fine Fine big baby".
Before long Jax came back. "Hey ready to go" he asked "yep just let me finish this" I said. He grabbed it from me as we were walking and finished it himself. "Jackass" "But you love me"he smirked. "Yeah whatever" I told him lightly slapping him on the back of the head. We climbed on his bike again not knowing eyes were watching us.

We pulled up to St. Thomas as I gave Jax a funny look. We walked to the elevator and Jax pressed a button. Once the doors opened to the right floor Jax covered my eyes. "Jax!!" I said pulling on his hands. "Nope not untill we get where we are going" he said in my ear. I let him lead me to where ever we were going before I heard a door open. We took a few more steps before Jax dropped his hands. I looked down and softly gasped. A small baby was laying in an incubator. I turned "Jax...." I said confused. "Dixie this is my son Abel" he told me. My breath caught in my throat. "What? When? What?" "Wendy got pregnant a little after you left last time and because of her drug problem he was born pre mature and he has a tear in his stomach." "Oh Jax Im so sorry" I said wrapping him in a hug he wrapped one arm around me and placed his chin on top of my head. "And then he has the family flaw too". I stayed silent looking at the small baby. Jax took my hand in his and lead our intertwined hands through the window of the incubator. He placed my hand in Abel's small palm. I was shocked to feel a strong squeeze as the little baby held my finger in a tight grip. "Aww you look so much like your Daddy" I cooed earning a smile from both Jax. "You're going to break some hearts just like he did huh?" Abel turned his small head towards our direction "Just dont break mine like he did deal?" I whispered leaning closer to him not even thinking about what I said. I quickly glanced at Jax who was still smiling so I assumed he hadnt heard my little slip up. Jax pulled me closer to him one hand on my hip and the other softly rubbing the top of Abel's head and caressing his face. "Your such a cutie" I smiled. This was the first time in a week I had felt somewhat happy. This little baby had his entire life infront of him with a family that loves him. No one has burned him or left him scarred well maybe except his mother. With Jax and I here so close together and infront of Able felt so right. Like we weren't meant to be like this. Like a family....

"Excuse me but this room is for family only!" My head snapped up to see Tara Knowles. "Tara when did your broom stick land back in Charming?" I asked gently carresing Abels cheek. "Oh very mature Dixie" she snapped. "I try" I shrugged. "Like I said this room is for family only" She sneered. "She is as good as family and you know it Tara" Jax said pulling away from me I could tell by the look on his face he was pissed. "She isnt blood nor married so she isnt family by hospital policy Jax" Tara said gently placing her hand on Jax's forearm. "Its ok Jax really I have to go get ready for your mom's party anyway" I said standing up Abel had just closed his eyes to sleep. I relunctly pulled my hand from Abel's grip causing his to whimper slightly Tara looked shocked by the way Abel was crying. "Its ok Abel. Ill see you later ok?" I said kiss drapping my jacket across my arm. He stopped crying but kept whimpering.On the way out I memorized my way to Abels room knowing I would be seeing him soon.

Jax and I walked out of the hospital and Jax was still angry. "Jax are you ok?" I said gently touching his arm. "Why did she have to do that? You werent doing anything! You were getting to meet Abel Its not like you were hurting anybody!!" he said rasing his voice. "Jax its ok! Im going back to see Abel she cant stop me!! She is just being her. Just calm down." I said in a soothing voice as I placed my hands on his face to make him look at me."Your a great dad and a great person don't let her get to you".He placed his rough calloused hands on my wrist softly holding them in place carresing his face with closed eyes as he took deep breathes. I had a strong urge to kiss him as he looked up me locking his eyes with mine but fought it back as I let go of Jax and got on the bike.