Women of Anarchy: Never Look Back
Old Wounds
Three weeks. That’s how long it had been since we had buried Jason. I was feeling a little more of myself build back up every day. I had taken Gemma up on her offer and had been working at the garage for the last week doing different jobs from working the office to doing lunch runs. Like today….
I really need to get a car I thought as I pulled up to the garage in Gemma’s Cadillac and grabbed the two large bags holding containers of the guys’ lunch. I walked into the clubhouse and placed the containers and utensils on the bar.
“Come on guys! Lunch!!” I yelled. Not even two minutes later all the guys piled into the clubhouse taking their seat in front of their lunch. I walked back out to the cadi and carried the trays of drinks back inside.
“Halfsack! Help the girl!!” Tig yelled with a mouth full of food. Half sack jumped up and quickly grabbed half of the trays from my arms and put them on the bar before the guys to grab the Styrofoam cup with their name on it. I sighed as I sat down on the couch pulling my own container into my lap. I opened it smiling down at the mixture of steak, chicken, chips, bell peppers, and onions smothered in cheese. Mexican. My favorite. I picked up my fork and stabbed at the nachos bringing it to my mouth savoring the spicy taste. Gemma walked in and grabbed her own container kissed Clay and sat beside me. We ate in silence making small talk here and there while the guys joked and laughed loudly. Before long most of the boys finished their lunch and went back to work. I stood and cleaned up throwing away the trash and crumbs. I swear Juice can’t eat without leaving a mess. I wet a towel and wiped down the bar before walking through the garage and back to the office.
“Hey Dix!” a voice yelled I turned to see Jax walking over to me wiping his hands on an oil stained rag.
“Where’ve you been I feel like I haven’t seen you today?” he asked meeting my eye.
“I’ve been running errands for Gemma mostly I haven’t been here but a couple hours today” I smiled up at him.
“Oh, well I was wondering if you would want to come to my place for dinner tonight. We never got a chance to catch up since ya been home” he spoke rubbing the back of his neck.
“Yeah sounds good I’ll see you about 7ish” I grinned.
“How about 7” he winked with a smirk causing a stir of butterflies to erupt in my stomach reminding me of high school.
“Alright I’ll see you at seven” I smiled before walking by him and back into the office. I grabbed another file from Gemma’s desk and flipped through it.
“Ah, Sh*t” she muttered. I looked up at her to see her staring at me her glasses in one hand and her arm thrown across the back of the chair.
“What?” I questioned.
“Who got you all happy? You haven’t stopped smiling since you walked in here.” She asked eyebrow raised.
“What? Can’t I just smile for once and not have a reason” I asked while flipping through the pages.
“No, considering I haven’t seen you smile since you’ve been home”
I sighed sitting down in the chair across from hers.
“Jax asked me to come over for dinner no big deal” I mumbled still with a smile on my face.
“Apparently it’s a big deal if you have that smile on your face” she now too had a smile gracing her features.
“It’s nothing we’re just catching up over dinner” I said closing the file and standing up walking to a tall file cabinet “and if we happen to have sex afterwards so be it” I said turning back around to see Gemma’s eyebrows raised mouth slightly a gap and an amused look in her eye.
“What? It’s not like it would be the first time” I mumbled my smile gone now.
“Well I don’t have anything else for you to do so I guess you can go” Gemma said turning back to the papers on the desk. I nodded and grabbed my purse and jacket shrugging it on my shoulders as I walked out the door.
“And get ready for your date” Gemma mumbled
“I heard that!” I yelled as the door slammed closed.
I walked toward the garage and found Will laying on the hood of a car texting on his phone.
“Will can you take me home?” I asked.
“Nope” he answered not even looking up I glared at him.
“Dad”
“Will take you sister home” my dad answered. Will grumbled as he sat up and put his phone back in his jean pocket before walking with me to his bike.
I quickly showered before getting out and wrapping a plush white robe around me and dried my hair I pulled it into a bun so it was out of my way. Opening my closet I looked and try to find something to wear I didn’t have all that much since most of it was in Tennessee. I pulled out my outfit and laid it on my bed before starting my make up. My mom walked in and leaned on my door frame.
“I know you’re not going to the club party in that” she said thats when I took notice to her outfit. Tight black lace see through shirt with a black bra underneath, skin tight jeans, and black boots.
“No but I’m guessing you are?” I asked sliding my black eye liner under both eyes before capping it shut and putting it away.
“yeah, aren’t you?”
“No I’m going to Jax’s for dinner” I said turning back to my mirror and applying mascara.
“Really? Well….when did this happen?” she asked concern coating her voice.
“Today at work.”
“Don’t you think it’s a bit soon for you to be seeing other guys? I mean think of Jas-“
“That’s just it mom… I don’t want to think of Jason. Because every time I do I start crying and cradling a bottle of Jack just to go to sleep. I need to deal with him my own way” I said tearing up slightly
“But honey there has to be other ways to deal with this than with other men”
“Look mom I know you don’t look at Jax the same way you did since…that day but you have to move on from it. He’s one of my best friends” I said looking at her through the mirror.
“Dixie, he hurt my baby. That’s not something that I can easily forgive and forget friend or not. I’ve tried, but I can never forgive him completely.” She said “When you’re a mother you’ll understand.” She walked out and I sighed before finishing my makeup. I dressed and started feeling butterflies again, but a pang of guilt hit me as my eyes caught sight of a picture of Jason and I. I let my hands trace over the silver of the frame before I laid it face down on the desk and walked out.
Will was down stairs on the couch watching Tv when I walked into the living room. He had changed from his work clothes into a tshirt and jeans.
“what time are you going to the party?” I asked
“I don’t know. Around eight I guess”
“Will you give me a ride to Jax’s. I’m sure he can bring me back home” I said. If I come home I thought
“What time do you need to be there?” he asked taking a sip from his soda
“7”
“ok I’ll take you” he said not taking his off the Tv.
I nodded and sat beside him and watched Tv with him until it was time to leave. 6:45 rolled around and Will and I walked out to his bike.
“See ya later sis” Will spoke over the engine
“Bye bro” I kissed his cheek before walking up to Jax’s front door as he rode off. It had been dark for at least 15 minutes now. I stopped in front of the door and knocked loudly. I waited and took notice to the outside of his house. It had changed since the last time I had seen it. A new coat of paint was needed along with some updates on the shutters and a light bulb needed to be replaced in one of the outside lights.
“Hey princess” Jax smiled as he opened the door.
“Hey Jax” I smiled back as I stepped inside. It was cleaner than I had anticipated The smell of old cigarette smoke and a hint of stale alcohol took over my senses, but also the refreshing smell of spices swirled along making it feel like home. I took off my jacket as we walked into the living room and I placed it on the couch along with my purse.
“What smells so good?” I asked walking into the kitchen seeing different seasonings and bowls scattered around.
“I’m grilling some steaks” he grinned.
“No way! Using the same seasoning John used to?” I asked excitedly.
He nodded as he started to clean up. I leaned against his counter top next to him and held my arms out to him. He looked at me and chuckled before walking into my arms. I wrapped them around his
broad shoulders my nose in the crook of his neck thanks to the heels. His cologne and body wash filled my nose as a feeling of comfort washed over me. One large hand was placed in between my shoulder blades while the other was rubbing up and down my lower back.
“I really missed you Jax” I whispered.
“I missed you too Dixie” his hot breath rushed against my ear as he spoke causing chills to run up and down my back. I silently prayed he didn’t notice. He pulled away keeping his arms around me as he kissed my forehead and pulled away.
“I’m gonna go check the steaks.” He said I nodded and pulled me arms back. “Make yourself at home. Beers are in the fridge”
He walked outside through the back door. I closed my arms around my chest. I opened the fridge and grabbed a beer bottle and popped the cap taking a gulp to possibly calm the butterflies that seemed to be multiplying by the minute. I looked on the fridge and saw a picture of Abel. He was so tiny but proudly adorning the light blue cap with the reaper on the front. I smiled softly at the picture. I couldn’t believe Jax has a son . Jax came back in with the steaks. I helped him set up the plates and grabbed the two of us new beers.
We sat and talked through the meal enjoying each others company. Our laughter flowed through the air of the house as we reminisced on old memories and told each other of funny stories of things that had happened since I had left Charming. We both had had more beers than we should and were laughing about some joke Jax had said as we walked back into the living room. I fell on the couch laughing a new beer in hand as I kicked off my heels and brought my feet up onto the couch. Jax sat beside me wrapping an arm around me pulling me into his chest as I fall into a fit of laughter yet again. Before I fell silent I relaxed into Jax’s chest closing my eyes and wrapped my arms around Jax’s midsection. Jax’s hand slid underneath my shirt and rubbed circles into my skin casually. A lazy sigh escaped my lips as I shifted to a more comfortable position. My head resting on Jax's stomach.
“Dixie?”
“Hmm?”
“Can I ask you something?” Jax asked sounding hesitant.
I sat up and looked up to meet Jax’s intense gaze. He looked nervous almost.
“Of course Jax. You can ask me anything. You know that.”
He took a shaky sigh running his hands through his hair as he sat up straighter causing me to remove my arms from around him.
“Jax?” I spoke my voice soft laced with concern.
He stood up and began pacing.
“Why did you leave Dixie?” he asked turning to face me. Stopping to wait for my answer.
The question caught me off guard though I knew it was coming. I looked down at my hands as I nervously picked at the bottom of my top.
“Its not really something I want to talk about Jax” I whispered
“Well don’t you think you owe me an explanation. Whether its something you want to talk about or not.”
He crossed his arms holding his ground. I swallowed hard standing up from the couch and walking to the window.
“Remember that night” I started my voice low and clear as I stared out at the street light “you and Tara got into a fight and you came to me.”
“Yeah what about it?” he asked clearly not understanding what it had to do with anything.
“I loved you Jax. Then you came to me all upset, we went down to the lake and we talked and drank in the back of your old truck..” I trailed off turning to look at him. His face was blank as he stared me down.
“Forget it” I mumbled tears pricked my eyes.
“So you’re saying because of that one night you left Charming. Just because we slept together?” his eyebrows knitted together. I nodded. "Thats stupid" he mumbled most likely thinking I didn't hear it.
“I loved you Jax!! I thought that you had finally seen that. Then when you dropped me off at home the next morning you told me to forget about what had happened because you were going back to Tara!! I felt so used and pathetic!! I felt like a two cent whore that you didn’t give two sh*ts about, because you were too far up Tara as* to notice!!” I yelled tears streaming down my face.
“I took my chance to get out of here! To get away from this town so I could finally think about something other than how Jackson Teller had broken my heart! I found someone I actually cared about and loved and then God takes him away from me and I come back here!”
“So what? Your blaming this on me?” he asked angrily. "You ran from your problems!! You didn't face them like we taught you!! We taught you to fight back! Not run from everything!"
“If you would have noticed that Tara can never be the ole lady, girlfriend, or wife you wanted her to be then maybe this wouldn’t have happened!! Maybe you would have realized that I’m the one you should have chosen not her! I understand this life. The club! I understand the responsibility that is on your shoulders! Tara can’t commit worth a sh*t to anything! Not even her job! She’s jumped from hospital to hospital for years!”
“So you’re jealous I chose Tara over you? Is that it?”
“Of course not!” I yelled
“It sure as hell seems like that!”
“No! You’re just pissed off that I’m right and you were wrong! Just like always!! How are you supposed to be President one day if you can't see through Tara fake facade!!”
Suddenly a stinging pain shot through my cheek catching me off guard as I slid to the floor. I held a hand to my red cheek caressing the area that had been slapped as I fought off more tears. Jax began pacing again before he sighed and pulled me up by my wrist pinning my arms to the side of my head against the wall. I whimpered at how tight his hands were locked around my wrist. I stared up at him for once slightly afraid of him. His stormy ocean blue eyes were flooded with too many emotions to comprehend as he stared into my grey blue ones. His blonde hair falling around his slightly flushed face made him look like some sort of angel. A pissed off angel.
Before I knew it his lips were slammed over mine. His soft luscious lips. My eyes fluttered closed. I felt a sense of passion and adoration through the kiss. Something that I had missed. Slowly he released the his vice grip on my wrist and brought one to my sore cheek and the other to my hip, pulling my lower half closer to his. He gently caressed my cheek keeping his hands gentle, but the kiss rough. I tore myself from him tears streaming down my face again. I rushed past him and slipped my shoes back on and grabbed my jacket and purse. I stormed out of the house and walked down the street, hearing glass crash from back inside. I sniffed and hugged my jacket closer to my trembling body. I kept my head down as I walked and when I finally looked up I was in the park. Walking home is out of the question. Will is probably drunk, Mom or Dad would go and chew Jax’s as* out, Clay and Gemma would do the same. Tig is probably getting laid. Juice and Half sack would tell Clay. Bobby is bartending tonight. Opie is with his family. Chibs!
I pulled out my phone from my purse and pressed ‘6’ for Chibs’ speed dial. The annoying ringing played in my ear to the point I almost hung up.
“ ‘ello” Chibs voice answered. I heard the loud music and a game of pool in the background making me feel bad about pulling him out of all the fun.
“Chibs. I need a huge favor?”
The other end was silent for a moment.
“Hold on” he spoke.
“What can I do for ya princess?” he asked now the background silent.
“I need a ride.” I mumbled sitting down on a nearby bench.
“Where are ye?” he asked.
“Charming park” I answered.
“Stay there. Stay in the shadows.”
“Stay in the shadows? Wha- Chibs whats going on?” I asked
"Mayans. They see you a load of sh*t will hit the fan. Just stay put ya hear me? I’m on me way”
“Alright. And Chibs?”
“Yeah?”
“Keep this between you and me?”
“no problem” he answered before hanging up.
I put the phone back in my purse and hugged my jacket closer to my as the wind nipped at my skin. My mind playing back to what had just happened. Not the way I wanted the night to end. Then my mind played back to why the fight had started.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The Summer heat of Charming was on an all new high today and I was home alone. My parents and Will were going to Mississippi to visit my moms family mainly my Uncle Doug who was the President of the Sons down there in the South. They left this morning. I had graduated high school a month ago and was enjoying the break from all my studying. The sun was hanging low in the sky as I was up in my room playing around on my guitar. I strummed a few strings.
“And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight” I sang softly. I needed a chorus I thought, but my thoughts were cut short as a familiar rumbling came from outside. I stood up and looked out the window and took notice to Jax’s truck. I quickly grabbed the notebook and pen and slid them under my pillow before I ran downstairs. Just as I reached the bottom stair the door bell went off. I ran to answer it.
“Hey Jax” I smiled as I answered the door, but the smile fell when I saw his face. Without a word he wrapped his arms around me and tears hit my shoulder.
“Jax what wrong?” I asked.
“She’s leaving” he answered simply into my neck.
“Who? Tara?” I asked earning a nod from him. I swallowed hard thinking that because of her leaving he was like this.
“I’m sorry Jax” I mumbled. He pulled back from me with blood shot eyes. We stood there in silence for a moment before he looked at me.
“Lets go to the lake” said out of the blue.
“Ok.” I shrugged slipping my shoes on by the door. Jax took hold of my hand and led me to his truck it used to be John’s and Jax was only using it until he got his motorcycle. I sat in the middle next to him and laid my head on his shoulder as he drove. Minutes later we pulled up to the lake it was out in the country, so we could be alone and relax. He backed the truck up to the lake so we could lay in the tail gate and watch the the sunset as it painted its reflection back into the water.
“I don’t know what to do about Tara” Jax said softly as he stood on the tailgate barefoot and threw a rock into the lake before sitting beside me.
“Just let her do what she wants. She’s going to anyway.” I told him sipping on my second beer.
“Yeah. You’re right.” He sighed as he grabbed a beer for him from the cooler.
“Of course I am.” I said confidently .Laying down on Jax’s sweatshirt he had laid down underneath me.
Jax laughed as he sat up on his elbow holding his head up as he laid down beside me. His other hand rested on my hip as he stared me in the eyes.
“What would I do without you?” He asked
“Hm, you probably wouldn’t survive long” I joked. “Besides you need me to look out for you make sure you don’t do anything stupid” I grinned as I poked him in the chest.
“Oh really?” He asked a toothy grin shining through.
I laughed softly “Really” I nodded.
“Well is this stupid?” He question leaning down. He softly brought his lips to mine. I was shocked, but kissed back. My eyes fluttered shut as he swung his leg over me straddling my waist. He pulled away and looked at me breathing heavily. I raised my hand and tangled it into his mess of blonde hair and lifted my head to meet his lips again. My hand stayed in place in his hair as the other went to his cheek. Our tongues battled for dominance as his hands slid my Sons of Anarchy shirt off my body I fumbled with unbuttoning his shirt for a moment before popping the remaining buttons with a swift yank and rolling it over his shoulders. Jax tore his lips from mine and trailed them down my jawline, my throat to my breast. With one hand he reached back and unclasped my bra.
He looked up at my with hesitance in his eyes. ”You sure?” he asked. I nodded my head before he moved the fabric to reveal myself to him. He softly covered my torso with feather soft kisses. Moans slipped through my suddenly dry lips. I was nervous. I had never done anything like this before. And Jax knew it.
With shaky hands I reached in between us and unbuckled his belt before working on his jeans. Jax’s hands started on my jeans. Before long only my underwear and his boxers were separating us.
“You mean so much to me Dixie” Jax whispered before kissing me again. Him kissing me was so unreal to me. I had dreamed of this for years. It was all becoming so real in that moment. We removed each other’s underwear and I suddenly felt very self-conscious and reached for Jax’s shirt to cover myself before he stopped me.
“Don’t Dixie….Your beautiful. Just simply gorgeous” he whispered kissing my forehead. My eyes closed at the simple act of compassion.
“Are you ready?” he asked lacing his hand with mine. I nodded keeping my eyes shut.
In one fluid motion. That was it. I was no longer a virgin. I clenched my eyes shut as tears stung my eyes from the pain my nails running down Jax’s back earning a groan. Jax took his time and was passionate. Just like I wanted. I didn’t want anything rushed like a quick-y the sweet butts gave. I wanted this. The feeling of love. Wait, a minute that’s it. I wanted someone to make love to me and Jax did that. After he had….finished he kept going and made sure I was satisfied before he cuddled me to his chest. The smile on my face was a mile wide as he reached into the tool box and pulled out a blanket draping it over the both of us. Jax kissed the top of my head. And I took the chance the moment was offering.
“I love you Jax”
It was silent except for the crickets chirping in the distance and I focused on the fireflies laminating the sky to try and make it seem like it wasn’t taking so long for Jax to answer me.
“I love you to Dixie” was his response making the smile on my face even bigger causing my cheeks to hurt.
When morning came I awoke to Jax rubbing his fingertips over my exposed skin. I was slightly sore but the feeling in the pit of my stomach of pure happiness overruled the pain.
“Morning” I smiled up at him. He answered back the same way..
We dressed and he drove me back home though the ride was silent my grin was permanent on my face, but Jax looked deep in thought. Jax pulled up to my house and parked.
“Jax” I started “what happens know?”
He sighed and looked ahead of us. I was expecting something along the line of ‘will you be my girlfriend?’ but what I heard was completely different.
“We should forget about it.” Jax spoke eyes fixed on the tree infront of us.
“What?” I asked my voice breaking softly.
“We need to forget about it Dixie. It was a one time deal” He said his words harsh.
“But Jax you can’t be serious……I just..I gave you everything last night” my voice cracked and tears fell now.
“Look it won’t be easy but we need to act like this never happened”
“I hate you” I whispered as I pulled the door to the truck open and slammed it shut I ran to the front door and slammed it shut locking it behind me. I ran back upstairs and slammed that door too I picked up a picture of Jax and I and threw it across the room. I sat on my bed and wrapped my arms around myself as my body shook with anger and sobs. What was I going to do? I can’t just go day to day like this. I stared at the same spot on my dresser and noticed a brochure that I had received at graduation.
United States Army was printed across the front with a picture of the United States flag under it.
“I’m going to make you guys proud.” I whispered looking at a picture of the Original 9. All veterans of one war or another. I flipped the brochure over and reached for the phone and dialed the number.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Within 24 hours my life had changed drastically all those years ago. I reached into my purse and pulled out my smokes lighting one up and taking a long drag from it.
Chibs pulled up and I gathered my stuff and straddled the bike stepping on my smoke.
“Where ye want to go?”
“Home”
He nodded and drove quickly down the roads. Before pulling up in the drive way.
“Thanks Chibs” I hugged him tightly.
“What’d Jax do?” he asked turning the bike off and turning to me.
“Just opened up a lot of old wounds that I thought had healed , but turns out were no where close.” I said. Chibs nodded.
“Want me to talk to him?”
“No. Just give me time I’ll deal with it”
“You ever need me just call a’ight?”
“Thanks Chibs” I thanked him again and hugged him tight.
“Night princess. You gonna be okay here alone?” he asked looking around at the surrounding woods.
“I’ll be fine.” I reassured him.
“Aye, just keep ye gun close”
“Will it make you sleep better tonight” I kidded.
“Aye it will. I don’t know what the club would do if something ever happen to ye”
“I appreciate your concern Chibs. I’ll keep my gun close I promise” he nodded a thanks but didn’t move.
“You want to check the locks don’t you?” I asked already knowing the drill.
“Thought you’ld never ask” He said standing up and walking inside with me. I watched as he checked all the locks and locked all the doors back for me.
“Alright night Dixie” he said hugging me close.
“Night Chibs sorry for taking you from the party.”
“No its ok. Don’t worry about it.” He assured.
Chibs left and I walked upstairs to my room. I stripped from my clothes and started a bubble bath.
I eased under the hot water and tried to clear my mind, but it didn’t work. After I washed my make up off and cleaned my hair from hairspray I got out of the tub and changed into my pajamas. I kneeled in front of my bed clasping my hands together and prayed. Prayed for help to find my way back to the way things used to be. After I eased under the covers and stared at the ceiling . A single tear hitting the pillow beneath me, before I cried myself asleep again
“I miss you Jason”
I really need to get a car I thought as I pulled up to the garage in Gemma’s Cadillac and grabbed the two large bags holding containers of the guys’ lunch. I walked into the clubhouse and placed the containers and utensils on the bar.
“Come on guys! Lunch!!” I yelled. Not even two minutes later all the guys piled into the clubhouse taking their seat in front of their lunch. I walked back out to the cadi and carried the trays of drinks back inside.
“Halfsack! Help the girl!!” Tig yelled with a mouth full of food. Half sack jumped up and quickly grabbed half of the trays from my arms and put them on the bar before the guys to grab the Styrofoam cup with their name on it. I sighed as I sat down on the couch pulling my own container into my lap. I opened it smiling down at the mixture of steak, chicken, chips, bell peppers, and onions smothered in cheese. Mexican. My favorite. I picked up my fork and stabbed at the nachos bringing it to my mouth savoring the spicy taste. Gemma walked in and grabbed her own container kissed Clay and sat beside me. We ate in silence making small talk here and there while the guys joked and laughed loudly. Before long most of the boys finished their lunch and went back to work. I stood and cleaned up throwing away the trash and crumbs. I swear Juice can’t eat without leaving a mess. I wet a towel and wiped down the bar before walking through the garage and back to the office.
“Hey Dix!” a voice yelled I turned to see Jax walking over to me wiping his hands on an oil stained rag.
“Where’ve you been I feel like I haven’t seen you today?” he asked meeting my eye.
“I’ve been running errands for Gemma mostly I haven’t been here but a couple hours today” I smiled up at him.
“Oh, well I was wondering if you would want to come to my place for dinner tonight. We never got a chance to catch up since ya been home” he spoke rubbing the back of his neck.
“Yeah sounds good I’ll see you about 7ish” I grinned.
“How about 7” he winked with a smirk causing a stir of butterflies to erupt in my stomach reminding me of high school.
“Alright I’ll see you at seven” I smiled before walking by him and back into the office. I grabbed another file from Gemma’s desk and flipped through it.
“Ah, Sh*t” she muttered. I looked up at her to see her staring at me her glasses in one hand and her arm thrown across the back of the chair.
“What?” I questioned.
“Who got you all happy? You haven’t stopped smiling since you walked in here.” She asked eyebrow raised.
“What? Can’t I just smile for once and not have a reason” I asked while flipping through the pages.
“No, considering I haven’t seen you smile since you’ve been home”
I sighed sitting down in the chair across from hers.
“Jax asked me to come over for dinner no big deal” I mumbled still with a smile on my face.
“Apparently it’s a big deal if you have that smile on your face” she now too had a smile gracing her features.
“It’s nothing we’re just catching up over dinner” I said closing the file and standing up walking to a tall file cabinet “and if we happen to have sex afterwards so be it” I said turning back around to see Gemma’s eyebrows raised mouth slightly a gap and an amused look in her eye.
“What? It’s not like it would be the first time” I mumbled my smile gone now.
“Well I don’t have anything else for you to do so I guess you can go” Gemma said turning back to the papers on the desk. I nodded and grabbed my purse and jacket shrugging it on my shoulders as I walked out the door.
“And get ready for your date” Gemma mumbled
“I heard that!” I yelled as the door slammed closed.
I walked toward the garage and found Will laying on the hood of a car texting on his phone.
“Will can you take me home?” I asked.
“Nope” he answered not even looking up I glared at him.
“Dad”
“Will take you sister home” my dad answered. Will grumbled as he sat up and put his phone back in his jean pocket before walking with me to his bike.
I quickly showered before getting out and wrapping a plush white robe around me and dried my hair I pulled it into a bun so it was out of my way. Opening my closet I looked and try to find something to wear I didn’t have all that much since most of it was in Tennessee. I pulled out my outfit and laid it on my bed before starting my make up. My mom walked in and leaned on my door frame.
“I know you’re not going to the club party in that” she said thats when I took notice to her outfit. Tight black lace see through shirt with a black bra underneath, skin tight jeans, and black boots.
“No but I’m guessing you are?” I asked sliding my black eye liner under both eyes before capping it shut and putting it away.
“yeah, aren’t you?”
“No I’m going to Jax’s for dinner” I said turning back to my mirror and applying mascara.
“Really? Well….when did this happen?” she asked concern coating her voice.
“Today at work.”
“Don’t you think it’s a bit soon for you to be seeing other guys? I mean think of Jas-“
“That’s just it mom… I don’t want to think of Jason. Because every time I do I start crying and cradling a bottle of Jack just to go to sleep. I need to deal with him my own way” I said tearing up slightly
“But honey there has to be other ways to deal with this than with other men”
“Look mom I know you don’t look at Jax the same way you did since…that day but you have to move on from it. He’s one of my best friends” I said looking at her through the mirror.
“Dixie, he hurt my baby. That’s not something that I can easily forgive and forget friend or not. I’ve tried, but I can never forgive him completely.” She said “When you’re a mother you’ll understand.” She walked out and I sighed before finishing my makeup. I dressed and started feeling butterflies again, but a pang of guilt hit me as my eyes caught sight of a picture of Jason and I. I let my hands trace over the silver of the frame before I laid it face down on the desk and walked out.
Will was down stairs on the couch watching Tv when I walked into the living room. He had changed from his work clothes into a tshirt and jeans.
“what time are you going to the party?” I asked
“I don’t know. Around eight I guess”
“Will you give me a ride to Jax’s. I’m sure he can bring me back home” I said. If I come home I thought
“What time do you need to be there?” he asked taking a sip from his soda
“7”
“ok I’ll take you” he said not taking his off the Tv.
I nodded and sat beside him and watched Tv with him until it was time to leave. 6:45 rolled around and Will and I walked out to his bike.
“See ya later sis” Will spoke over the engine
“Bye bro” I kissed his cheek before walking up to Jax’s front door as he rode off. It had been dark for at least 15 minutes now. I stopped in front of the door and knocked loudly. I waited and took notice to the outside of his house. It had changed since the last time I had seen it. A new coat of paint was needed along with some updates on the shutters and a light bulb needed to be replaced in one of the outside lights.
“Hey princess” Jax smiled as he opened the door.
“Hey Jax” I smiled back as I stepped inside. It was cleaner than I had anticipated The smell of old cigarette smoke and a hint of stale alcohol took over my senses, but also the refreshing smell of spices swirled along making it feel like home. I took off my jacket as we walked into the living room and I placed it on the couch along with my purse.
“What smells so good?” I asked walking into the kitchen seeing different seasonings and bowls scattered around.
“I’m grilling some steaks” he grinned.
“No way! Using the same seasoning John used to?” I asked excitedly.
He nodded as he started to clean up. I leaned against his counter top next to him and held my arms out to him. He looked at me and chuckled before walking into my arms. I wrapped them around his
broad shoulders my nose in the crook of his neck thanks to the heels. His cologne and body wash filled my nose as a feeling of comfort washed over me. One large hand was placed in between my shoulder blades while the other was rubbing up and down my lower back.
“I really missed you Jax” I whispered.
“I missed you too Dixie” his hot breath rushed against my ear as he spoke causing chills to run up and down my back. I silently prayed he didn’t notice. He pulled away keeping his arms around me as he kissed my forehead and pulled away.
“I’m gonna go check the steaks.” He said I nodded and pulled me arms back. “Make yourself at home. Beers are in the fridge”
He walked outside through the back door. I closed my arms around my chest. I opened the fridge and grabbed a beer bottle and popped the cap taking a gulp to possibly calm the butterflies that seemed to be multiplying by the minute. I looked on the fridge and saw a picture of Abel. He was so tiny but proudly adorning the light blue cap with the reaper on the front. I smiled softly at the picture. I couldn’t believe Jax has a son . Jax came back in with the steaks. I helped him set up the plates and grabbed the two of us new beers.
We sat and talked through the meal enjoying each others company. Our laughter flowed through the air of the house as we reminisced on old memories and told each other of funny stories of things that had happened since I had left Charming. We both had had more beers than we should and were laughing about some joke Jax had said as we walked back into the living room. I fell on the couch laughing a new beer in hand as I kicked off my heels and brought my feet up onto the couch. Jax sat beside me wrapping an arm around me pulling me into his chest as I fall into a fit of laughter yet again. Before I fell silent I relaxed into Jax’s chest closing my eyes and wrapped my arms around Jax’s midsection. Jax’s hand slid underneath my shirt and rubbed circles into my skin casually. A lazy sigh escaped my lips as I shifted to a more comfortable position. My head resting on Jax's stomach.
“Dixie?”
“Hmm?”
“Can I ask you something?” Jax asked sounding hesitant.
I sat up and looked up to meet Jax’s intense gaze. He looked nervous almost.
“Of course Jax. You can ask me anything. You know that.”
He took a shaky sigh running his hands through his hair as he sat up straighter causing me to remove my arms from around him.
“Jax?” I spoke my voice soft laced with concern.
He stood up and began pacing.
“Why did you leave Dixie?” he asked turning to face me. Stopping to wait for my answer.
The question caught me off guard though I knew it was coming. I looked down at my hands as I nervously picked at the bottom of my top.
“Its not really something I want to talk about Jax” I whispered
“Well don’t you think you owe me an explanation. Whether its something you want to talk about or not.”
He crossed his arms holding his ground. I swallowed hard standing up from the couch and walking to the window.
“Remember that night” I started my voice low and clear as I stared out at the street light “you and Tara got into a fight and you came to me.”
“Yeah what about it?” he asked clearly not understanding what it had to do with anything.
“I loved you Jax. Then you came to me all upset, we went down to the lake and we talked and drank in the back of your old truck..” I trailed off turning to look at him. His face was blank as he stared me down.
“Forget it” I mumbled tears pricked my eyes.
“So you’re saying because of that one night you left Charming. Just because we slept together?” his eyebrows knitted together. I nodded. "Thats stupid" he mumbled most likely thinking I didn't hear it.
“I loved you Jax!! I thought that you had finally seen that. Then when you dropped me off at home the next morning you told me to forget about what had happened because you were going back to Tara!! I felt so used and pathetic!! I felt like a two cent whore that you didn’t give two sh*ts about, because you were too far up Tara as* to notice!!” I yelled tears streaming down my face.
“I took my chance to get out of here! To get away from this town so I could finally think about something other than how Jackson Teller had broken my heart! I found someone I actually cared about and loved and then God takes him away from me and I come back here!”
“So what? Your blaming this on me?” he asked angrily. "You ran from your problems!! You didn't face them like we taught you!! We taught you to fight back! Not run from everything!"
“If you would have noticed that Tara can never be the ole lady, girlfriend, or wife you wanted her to be then maybe this wouldn’t have happened!! Maybe you would have realized that I’m the one you should have chosen not her! I understand this life. The club! I understand the responsibility that is on your shoulders! Tara can’t commit worth a sh*t to anything! Not even her job! She’s jumped from hospital to hospital for years!”
“So you’re jealous I chose Tara over you? Is that it?”
“Of course not!” I yelled
“It sure as hell seems like that!”
“No! You’re just pissed off that I’m right and you were wrong! Just like always!! How are you supposed to be President one day if you can't see through Tara fake facade!!”
Suddenly a stinging pain shot through my cheek catching me off guard as I slid to the floor. I held a hand to my red cheek caressing the area that had been slapped as I fought off more tears. Jax began pacing again before he sighed and pulled me up by my wrist pinning my arms to the side of my head against the wall. I whimpered at how tight his hands were locked around my wrist. I stared up at him for once slightly afraid of him. His stormy ocean blue eyes were flooded with too many emotions to comprehend as he stared into my grey blue ones. His blonde hair falling around his slightly flushed face made him look like some sort of angel. A pissed off angel.
Before I knew it his lips were slammed over mine. His soft luscious lips. My eyes fluttered closed. I felt a sense of passion and adoration through the kiss. Something that I had missed. Slowly he released the his vice grip on my wrist and brought one to my sore cheek and the other to my hip, pulling my lower half closer to his. He gently caressed my cheek keeping his hands gentle, but the kiss rough. I tore myself from him tears streaming down my face again. I rushed past him and slipped my shoes back on and grabbed my jacket and purse. I stormed out of the house and walked down the street, hearing glass crash from back inside. I sniffed and hugged my jacket closer to my trembling body. I kept my head down as I walked and when I finally looked up I was in the park. Walking home is out of the question. Will is probably drunk, Mom or Dad would go and chew Jax’s as* out, Clay and Gemma would do the same. Tig is probably getting laid. Juice and Half sack would tell Clay. Bobby is bartending tonight. Opie is with his family. Chibs!
I pulled out my phone from my purse and pressed ‘6’ for Chibs’ speed dial. The annoying ringing played in my ear to the point I almost hung up.
“ ‘ello” Chibs voice answered. I heard the loud music and a game of pool in the background making me feel bad about pulling him out of all the fun.
“Chibs. I need a huge favor?”
The other end was silent for a moment.
“Hold on” he spoke.
“What can I do for ya princess?” he asked now the background silent.
“I need a ride.” I mumbled sitting down on a nearby bench.
“Where are ye?” he asked.
“Charming park” I answered.
“Stay there. Stay in the shadows.”
“Stay in the shadows? Wha- Chibs whats going on?” I asked
"Mayans. They see you a load of sh*t will hit the fan. Just stay put ya hear me? I’m on me way”
“Alright. And Chibs?”
“Yeah?”
“Keep this between you and me?”
“no problem” he answered before hanging up.
I put the phone back in my purse and hugged my jacket closer to my as the wind nipped at my skin. My mind playing back to what had just happened. Not the way I wanted the night to end. Then my mind played back to why the fight had started.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The Summer heat of Charming was on an all new high today and I was home alone. My parents and Will were going to Mississippi to visit my moms family mainly my Uncle Doug who was the President of the Sons down there in the South. They left this morning. I had graduated high school a month ago and was enjoying the break from all my studying. The sun was hanging low in the sky as I was up in my room playing around on my guitar. I strummed a few strings.
“And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight” I sang softly. I needed a chorus I thought, but my thoughts were cut short as a familiar rumbling came from outside. I stood up and looked out the window and took notice to Jax’s truck. I quickly grabbed the notebook and pen and slid them under my pillow before I ran downstairs. Just as I reached the bottom stair the door bell went off. I ran to answer it.
“Hey Jax” I smiled as I answered the door, but the smile fell when I saw his face. Without a word he wrapped his arms around me and tears hit my shoulder.
“Jax what wrong?” I asked.
“She’s leaving” he answered simply into my neck.
“Who? Tara?” I asked earning a nod from him. I swallowed hard thinking that because of her leaving he was like this.
“I’m sorry Jax” I mumbled. He pulled back from me with blood shot eyes. We stood there in silence for a moment before he looked at me.
“Lets go to the lake” said out of the blue.
“Ok.” I shrugged slipping my shoes on by the door. Jax took hold of my hand and led me to his truck it used to be John’s and Jax was only using it until he got his motorcycle. I sat in the middle next to him and laid my head on his shoulder as he drove. Minutes later we pulled up to the lake it was out in the country, so we could be alone and relax. He backed the truck up to the lake so we could lay in the tail gate and watch the the sunset as it painted its reflection back into the water.
“I don’t know what to do about Tara” Jax said softly as he stood on the tailgate barefoot and threw a rock into the lake before sitting beside me.
“Just let her do what she wants. She’s going to anyway.” I told him sipping on my second beer.
“Yeah. You’re right.” He sighed as he grabbed a beer for him from the cooler.
“Of course I am.” I said confidently .Laying down on Jax’s sweatshirt he had laid down underneath me.
Jax laughed as he sat up on his elbow holding his head up as he laid down beside me. His other hand rested on my hip as he stared me in the eyes.
“What would I do without you?” He asked
“Hm, you probably wouldn’t survive long” I joked. “Besides you need me to look out for you make sure you don’t do anything stupid” I grinned as I poked him in the chest.
“Oh really?” He asked a toothy grin shining through.
I laughed softly “Really” I nodded.
“Well is this stupid?” He question leaning down. He softly brought his lips to mine. I was shocked, but kissed back. My eyes fluttered shut as he swung his leg over me straddling my waist. He pulled away and looked at me breathing heavily. I raised my hand and tangled it into his mess of blonde hair and lifted my head to meet his lips again. My hand stayed in place in his hair as the other went to his cheek. Our tongues battled for dominance as his hands slid my Sons of Anarchy shirt off my body I fumbled with unbuttoning his shirt for a moment before popping the remaining buttons with a swift yank and rolling it over his shoulders. Jax tore his lips from mine and trailed them down my jawline, my throat to my breast. With one hand he reached back and unclasped my bra.
He looked up at my with hesitance in his eyes. ”You sure?” he asked. I nodded my head before he moved the fabric to reveal myself to him. He softly covered my torso with feather soft kisses. Moans slipped through my suddenly dry lips. I was nervous. I had never done anything like this before. And Jax knew it.
With shaky hands I reached in between us and unbuckled his belt before working on his jeans. Jax’s hands started on my jeans. Before long only my underwear and his boxers were separating us.
“You mean so much to me Dixie” Jax whispered before kissing me again. Him kissing me was so unreal to me. I had dreamed of this for years. It was all becoming so real in that moment. We removed each other’s underwear and I suddenly felt very self-conscious and reached for Jax’s shirt to cover myself before he stopped me.
“Don’t Dixie….Your beautiful. Just simply gorgeous” he whispered kissing my forehead. My eyes closed at the simple act of compassion.
“Are you ready?” he asked lacing his hand with mine. I nodded keeping my eyes shut.
In one fluid motion. That was it. I was no longer a virgin. I clenched my eyes shut as tears stung my eyes from the pain my nails running down Jax’s back earning a groan. Jax took his time and was passionate. Just like I wanted. I didn’t want anything rushed like a quick-y the sweet butts gave. I wanted this. The feeling of love. Wait, a minute that’s it. I wanted someone to make love to me and Jax did that. After he had….finished he kept going and made sure I was satisfied before he cuddled me to his chest. The smile on my face was a mile wide as he reached into the tool box and pulled out a blanket draping it over the both of us. Jax kissed the top of my head. And I took the chance the moment was offering.
“I love you Jax”
It was silent except for the crickets chirping in the distance and I focused on the fireflies laminating the sky to try and make it seem like it wasn’t taking so long for Jax to answer me.
“I love you to Dixie” was his response making the smile on my face even bigger causing my cheeks to hurt.
When morning came I awoke to Jax rubbing his fingertips over my exposed skin. I was slightly sore but the feeling in the pit of my stomach of pure happiness overruled the pain.
“Morning” I smiled up at him. He answered back the same way..
We dressed and he drove me back home though the ride was silent my grin was permanent on my face, but Jax looked deep in thought. Jax pulled up to my house and parked.
“Jax” I started “what happens know?”
He sighed and looked ahead of us. I was expecting something along the line of ‘will you be my girlfriend?’ but what I heard was completely different.
“We should forget about it.” Jax spoke eyes fixed on the tree infront of us.
“What?” I asked my voice breaking softly.
“We need to forget about it Dixie. It was a one time deal” He said his words harsh.
“But Jax you can’t be serious……I just..I gave you everything last night” my voice cracked and tears fell now.
“Look it won’t be easy but we need to act like this never happened”
“I hate you” I whispered as I pulled the door to the truck open and slammed it shut I ran to the front door and slammed it shut locking it behind me. I ran back upstairs and slammed that door too I picked up a picture of Jax and I and threw it across the room. I sat on my bed and wrapped my arms around myself as my body shook with anger and sobs. What was I going to do? I can’t just go day to day like this. I stared at the same spot on my dresser and noticed a brochure that I had received at graduation.
United States Army was printed across the front with a picture of the United States flag under it.
“I’m going to make you guys proud.” I whispered looking at a picture of the Original 9. All veterans of one war or another. I flipped the brochure over and reached for the phone and dialed the number.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Within 24 hours my life had changed drastically all those years ago. I reached into my purse and pulled out my smokes lighting one up and taking a long drag from it.
Chibs pulled up and I gathered my stuff and straddled the bike stepping on my smoke.
“Where ye want to go?”
“Home”
He nodded and drove quickly down the roads. Before pulling up in the drive way.
“Thanks Chibs” I hugged him tightly.
“What’d Jax do?” he asked turning the bike off and turning to me.
“Just opened up a lot of old wounds that I thought had healed , but turns out were no where close.” I said. Chibs nodded.
“Want me to talk to him?”
“No. Just give me time I’ll deal with it”
“You ever need me just call a’ight?”
“Thanks Chibs” I thanked him again and hugged him tight.
“Night princess. You gonna be okay here alone?” he asked looking around at the surrounding woods.
“I’ll be fine.” I reassured him.
“Aye, just keep ye gun close”
“Will it make you sleep better tonight” I kidded.
“Aye it will. I don’t know what the club would do if something ever happen to ye”
“I appreciate your concern Chibs. I’ll keep my gun close I promise” he nodded a thanks but didn’t move.
“You want to check the locks don’t you?” I asked already knowing the drill.
“Thought you’ld never ask” He said standing up and walking inside with me. I watched as he checked all the locks and locked all the doors back for me.
“Alright night Dixie” he said hugging me close.
“Night Chibs sorry for taking you from the party.”
“No its ok. Don’t worry about it.” He assured.
Chibs left and I walked upstairs to my room. I stripped from my clothes and started a bubble bath.
I eased under the hot water and tried to clear my mind, but it didn’t work. After I washed my make up off and cleaned my hair from hairspray I got out of the tub and changed into my pajamas. I kneeled in front of my bed clasping my hands together and prayed. Prayed for help to find my way back to the way things used to be. After I eased under the covers and stared at the ceiling . A single tear hitting the pillow beneath me, before I cried myself asleep again
“I miss you Jason”