I'm Finding Me Out

Addison’s POV
I stepped into the building to watch Alex and Zack perform an acoustic set. Thankfully we had a bit of a break for two days – no shows whatsoever. I appreciated the break; even though some of it was filled with interviews and sessions like these.

“Hey what’s up you guys, I’m Alex and this is Zack,” Alex began into the camera that was just in front of me. “Today you are in for a special treat! We will be playing a brand new song today that’s never been heard. It’s called My Breakdown and I hope you enjoy it.”

Zack’s guitar soon began to play a pretty melody and I tapped my foot lightly to it. This was also a new song for me – and I was actually a bit excited. Throughout the entire beginning of the song, Alex stared at me sincerely up until the point where he started singing.

“I’m the one who takes the risks
I’ve always been the one
I lost me in a drunken kiss
And now I’ve come undone
I know I did you wrong
I made a huge mistake
But you knew all along
It was your heart I would break

I’ll try my best at moving on
But it’s just taking far too long
And I know that I let you down
Now this is my breakdown

You can’t bear to see my face
I haven’t been me in days
It feels like I’m all out of place
It wasn’t meant to be this way

They say that time heals woe
Baby, do you think that’s true?
I’d count to a million slow
To keep from hurting you

I’ll try my best at moving on
But it’s just taking far too long
And I know that I let you down
Now this is my breakdown

I know that I can talk too much
I thought we’d make it through
But it just wasn’t enough
To keep me there with you

I’ll try my best at moving on
But it’s just taking far too long
And I know that I let you down
Now this is my breakdown

And baby, I don’t blame you
I wouldn’t trust in me
I’m feeling something new
I don’t believe in me
Please don’t hold it in
Hit me with your worst
I did the greatest sin
Now pay back all the hurt”

Tears were apparent in my eyes as the song ended. If the lyrics didn’t give away the fact the song was about me; his face did. He looked at me so sincerely and with such feeling that it was hard to ignore. He knew that I was trying my best to get over him, but he was only making it worse.

Thankfully the two of them had two more songs to go through before we had to leave, so I could compose myself. I went into the bathroom and took deep breaths. The last thing I needed was Rian, Alex, or Zack to question why I had been crying.

I just didn’t understand why I couldn’t get over the boy. I needed to move on – but he was making it so difficult. The song made me realize he was genuinely sorry and it made me want to forgive him all the more – but I knew I couldn’t go back with him. I wouldn’t leave Zack, ever. I knew Zack wouldn’t cheat on me, and that kind of security blanket he created was exactly what I needed.

Zack was just so sweet and gentle with me. He was the guy that I dreamed about at night when I was a little girl. That prince charming who really did sweep you off your feet in every moment you were with him. It was something I loved and wanted; and I was going to keep it – and I was going to keep it without thinking about Alex.

I stepped out of the bathroom at the same time as Weightless finished. Alex said a quick goodbye to the camera before stepping away from the view of it and coming towards me. He looked at my eyes for some reason and hugged me.

“Why were you crying?” he whispered so no one could hear but me.

“Because of that song,” I admitted as I hugged his familiar body back. “You can’t do that to me, Alex.”

“I’m sorry,” is all he managed to say before he pulled away.

Zack came up to me and smiled as I mouthed a”We’ll talk later.” to Alex. He left and Zack approached me, wrapping his arms around my waist and kissing me gently as I fell into complete bliss. It was moments like those that made me remember why I was with that amazing piece of man.

As we stepped out he grabbed my hand. I smiled up at him as fans screams were heard throughout. Girls of all teenage ages surrounded us behind barricades as Zack, Alex, and I walked through them. Shocked faces were seen as they looked down and saw our interlocked fingers.

Alex and I hadn’t been out much in public lately – so none of them knew about the split. The fact that I was clinging to another guy in the same band was probably a bit of a shock to them. Hell, I knew I would be.

A girl tapped me on the shoulder. “Addison? Why are you holding Zack’s hand?”

I nodded at Zack as I spoke to her. “Zack and I are dating. It’s been official since two days ago.”

Everyone who heard had a priceless face. Shocked looks were seen throughout the piles of girls as Alex and Zack signed autographs casually and took pictures. Another girl spoke. “What happened to you and Alex?”

“Um,” I trailed off.

“We split up,” Alex finished for me as he looked at me longingly. Anyone could see that his heart was still set on getting mine. But it was a goal he was just going to have to forget.

“I don’t buy it!” I heard someone yell in the crowd.

Zack’s face perked up as he heard it. With a smile on his face he walked over to me and looked down at me. His eyes were breathtaking, and I found it hard to focus on anything but that. With one swift movement he had his arms around my waist and his lips on mine.

Rounds of “aws” were heard as the slamming of the tour bus was heard as well. I sighed at Zack’s beauty before going back on the bus. The fans waved at us as we drove away so we could get to our hotel in a good amount of time.

Zack slumped down on the couch and I followed behind him. I looked at him lovingly as I snuggled closer to his warm body. My head was placed on his shoulder as he kissed the top of my head softly. He pecked me on the lips once before I went back to my previous position.

I searched around the room to see the reactions of the rest of them. Matt was smiling at me from the corner and gave me a thumbs up when he saw me looking at him. Alex was sitting next to him and he gave Zack a look that could kill.

His eyes bored into his head with pure anger and hurt. He looked at me just a moment later, and though I wanted to look away, I couldn’t. His pleading eyes looked at me with such love and sadness that it made me want to go over there and hug him. But I couldn’t comfort someone who was hurting because of me.

A text message pulled me out of my wandering thoughts. I looked down at my phone to realize the text was from Roxxie. I gave her an odd look before I opened it.
You have to stop. You’re only going to hurt them both.

Before typing back; I gave her a dirty look. She had absolutely no right to be telling me how to live my life.

What am I doing? Being happy with Zack while trying to get over Alex? Yeah, such a crime.

Both of those boys are head over heels for you. And you know you don’t want to hurt either of them. Roxxie replied swiftly.

I obviously don’t want that, I typed away. But you aren’t any better. You’re worse actually. You’re the one who is hurting your own sister.

You have no idea what’s going on right now.

Well then how about you tell me. I argued.

It’s not that simple. I’d like to, but I can’t.

You can’t tell your own sister? Your own blood, Roxxie? Come on!

I want to tell you, I really do. I wish I could. But I just can’t. Not you, Rian, or anyone else.

I stood up in anger and began to speak to her. “Why the fuck not? What is so big in the life of Roxxie that you must keep from me?”

The entire room stared at me as Roxxie put her head down. “I just can’t Adi, I’m so sorry.”

“I’m your sister!” I argued. “Please just tell me. I just want this fucking fighting to end already.”

“I do too,” she stood up. “But I just can’t tell you.”

“And you’re telling me to stop?” I questioned. “You’re the one who needs to stop. I’m not lying to anybody – you are.”

“You are lying!” she stated strongly. “You’re lying about your feelings for Alex because you don’t want to admit you’re not over him!”

I blushed deeply and tried desperately to come back with something. Zack looked at me with a worried look – begging for me to say something. Alex was also in shock, but for a completely different reason. He had had no idea that I had feelings for him – and now it was out.

“And you think I don’t want to be over him? Come on! You of all people are going to tell me to not get over someone?” I scoffed. “Don’t think I don’t know about your feelings for Matt. I see the way you look at each other.”

“You have no right to say that! And it’s not true anyway,” she lied.

“You are such a fucking hypocrite!” I threw my hands up in the air with my remark.

“How the hell am I a hypocrite?” she asked dumbly as she gave me a stern look.

“You’re telling me to get over Alex and how I shouldn’t have started going out with Zack,” I began. “But here you are not over Matt and already with Jack. How does that not scream hypocrite?”

“You don’t understand!” she said as a few tears trickled down her face.

“Well then fucking explain it to me, Roxxie, please do!” I said with, tears in my eyes as well. “Just stop criticizing me all the time. I’m trying my hardest to get over Alex – and I have feelings for Zack. There is no crime in that. So please stop.”

“I can’t tell you,” she crossed her arms shamefully.

“Gosh why do you always do this? You’re too fucking stubborn to tell us your problems. We all have been open to help you with anything and everything, Roxxie. And you’re the one just pushing us further and further away,” I stated a bit more calmly. “You did the same thing to Jasey.”

“You’re not any better!” she said with the exact opposite reaction I was hoping for. “You just try to control everyone around you. You feel like you can do everything and make sure that everyone is doing what you think is right.”

I gritted my teeth with anger in an attempt to calm myself down. “I don’t do that!”

Roxxie scoffed. “That’s like saying Alex didn’t cheat on you with Jack.”

She immediately covered her mouth when she realized she was totally out of line. Small gasps were heard throughout the bus as I raised my hand and slapped her across the face – hard. Roxxie gave me a surprised look before hitting me as well.

Soon enough we were entangled in each other – pulling hair and kicking shins. Before we could do much damage; the boys pulled us apart with us kicking and screaming in the process. Matt had his arms securely around Roxxie and Zack’s were securely around me.

What had this come to? Roxxie and I were sisters, best friends, and this was something that I’d never, ever forget. This was honestly and truly; my breakdown.