I'm Finding Me Out

Roxxie’s POV

“Let me help you,” Matt said, taking my hand. I got slowly off the hospital bed, gripping Matt’s hand tightly. “I’m not an invalid,” I told him. “This really isn’t necessary.” Matt shook his head and laughed. “You’ve always been independent. Gotta do everything on your own. Why can’t you accept a little help?” He said. “Because it’s not necessary!” I retorted. He laughed and looped his arm around my waist, pulling me to his side. He kissed my temple softly just as Jack burst through the door.

“Ready to go?” He said brightly, but something seemed off. He was usually upbeat and cheerful, but something about the way he was acting now was fake, like he was covering something. I frowned as Matt tightened his grip on me, leading me towards the door. “Let me do that,” Jack said, taking my hand. He pulled me away from Matt and draped his arm over my shoulders. I threw Matt an apologetic smile over my shoulder, but he was staring down at his shoes. He looked devastated. I felt so guilty, but he didn’t know about my deal with Jack...and even though I wanted more than anything to be with Matt, I had to sort things out with Jack first.

“Hey Jack, can I talk to you later?” I asked him, tilting my chin to look up at him. He was so much taller than I was. “Sure, baby,” Jack said, kissing me on the forehead. I flinched away from him slightly. “There’s no one around, Jack,” I said. “You don’t have to act.” Jack raised his bushy eyebrows at me and leant down to whisper in my ear. “What if I’m not acting?”

I stopped walking and shook free of his grip to stare at him. “Excuse me?” I said, raising one eyebrow. Jack looked taken aback but he quickly recovered. “I was just joking, Roxxie,” he said with a small smile, that looked completely forced. He was a terrible liar and I was now deeper in the shit than I had been before.

Jack held my hand as we continued up the hallway. He had to slow down several times so that I could keep up with him, due to my slight limp. Matt followed behind carrying my bag. When we got outside the hospital, I saw two shy-looking girls to my left. They stared at me and I noticed that one of them was wearing an All Time Low tee-shirt. Fans.

I smiled and made my way over to them, Jack following behind me. I stumbled slightly on the way and Jack held onto my hips, steadying me before letting go. I smiled and took his hand again, just as we reached the two girls. “Hey,” I said with a smile. The first girl, a skinny blonde, smiled widely at me and lifted her hand in a small wave. “Hi, Roxxie. We didn’t mean to seem like stalkers or anything, but we wanted to see how you were,” she said. I picked up her strong Australian accent immediately. “That’s very sweet of you,” I said. “What’re your names?”

The other girl, a short brunette, spoke up. “I’m Melissa and this is Becca. She’s an exchange student from Australia. She’s staying with me for a few months,” she said. “Wow. I’ve only been to Australia once, but I loved it. Hopefully we’ll be heading that way again soon,” I told them with a big smile.

“I hope you get better soon, Roxxie,” Becca said. “Me, too,” Melissa chimed in. “Could we get a picture with you and Jack?”

“Sure,” I replied. Becca handed her digital camera to Jack, who took a picture of the two girls with me. I took the camera next to take a picture of Jack with the girls. They thanked us before pulling a large basket out that they’d been hiding behind their backs. “What’s this?” I asked them with a laugh. “You could call it a care package,” Becca said with a lopsided grin, handing it over. My plastered arm was in a sling, so Jack took the basket for me, holding it out so that I could see what was inside.

There were two packets of my favourite lollies (sour gummi worms), three music magazines (Kerrang!, Rock Sound and NME), a whole bunch of vintage badges (I loved collecting them), coloured guitar picks, a new packet of coloured sharpies and four cans of Red Bull. It was the perfect care package, full of everything I liked. I felt the tears well up in the back of my eyes but blinked them back.

“This is just...amazing...and so thoughtful of you. Thank you so much,” I said, the tears spilling over. I pulled the girls into an awkward one-armed hug. When I pulled away, I wiped the tears off my face with the back of my hand and reached for the packet of sharpies in the basket. “Do you guys wanna sign my cast?” I asked them. They both nodded eagerly and took a sharpie from the pack, signing their names on my cast. I returned the favour by signing the copies of our album, Nothing Personal, that they had clutched in their hands. Jack signed them, too. “Thank you, Roxxie and Jack,” Becca said, turning to leave with Melissa.

“Hey! You can’t go yet,” I called after them. They both turned with huge smiles on their faces. “I’ve gotta get a picture of you two for my twitter!” The girls squealed in excitement as I handed Jack my iPhone. He took a picture of me with the girls and then they had to leave. “Thank you guys,” I told them. “It really means a lot to me.” They smiled and hugged me once more before going home.

“That was so sweet of you,” Jack said, once we were inside the cab that Matt had been waiting in for us. “It was the least I could do,” I replied. “I still can’t believe they went to all that trouble, just for me.” Jack smiled and took my hand again. I saw Matt glance at us in the rear view mirror in the front seat and flinched. I felt so bad about everything. After telling Matt how I felt, basically pouring my soul out to him, I just run back to Jack. It wasn’t fair and it certainly wasn’t right. I had to make things right, starting with Jack.

When we got back to the bus, everyone welcomed me with open arms. Many hugs were exchanged and everyone seemed genuinely happy. It was certainly a different vibe than the one that had been hanging around for the start of the tour. Everyone seemed to be in a genuinely good mood and there were smiles all around.

“You guys will have to make an announcement video,” Matt informed us. “The fans still have no idea what happened.” Rian suddenly burst into laughter and everyone turned to stare at him. “There are rumours all over twitter that you’re dead,” he said, clutching his stomach in laughter. “How is that funny?” I asked him with a wry smile. He couldn’t explain himself. He just kept laughing. I rolled my eyes and sat down on the couch beside Alex. Rian sat on the other side of me and Jack sat next to him. Zack sat down next to Alex.

“The Doctor said that Roxxie can’t perform on stage for at least two weeks and we can’t cancel any shows. Basically, the point of this video is to tell the fans that one, Roxxie is still alive, and two, she won’t be playing on stage for the shows in the next two weeks, but she will be present at all meet and greets. Alex will be playing her guitar parts on stage. Everything has been organised, you just have to announce it,” Matt told us in an extremely professional manner. We all nodded in agreement as Matt turned on the video camera.

“Action!” He said with a smile, pointing the camera in our direction. “Hey!” Alex said. “It’s All Time Low here. As you can see, Roxxie is still alive! For those of you who don’t know, she had a pretty serious accident the other night. I’m sure you can find it on YouTube.” I punched Alex in the arm with my good hand. “I’m still alive!” I said. “But as you can see, I’m knocked up pretty bad. I won’t be able to play any shows for the next two weeks while my stitches and other shit heals up. I don’t even know how I’m going to play with this cast, but I’ll fucking try! I’m super-disappointed that I won’t be able to play, but I’ll still be at all the meet and greets. I hate letting you guys down!”

“We might be able to smuggle you on stage...” Jack said with a smirk, causing Alex to laugh loudly. “Where are you gonna put her? In your skinny jeans?” He joked, poking Jack in the ribs. The others laughed and Matt coughed loudly, signalling us to wrap it up. “We’ll see you around!” Alex said, lifting his hand to wave at the camera. The rest of us followed suit and Matt turned off the camera a few seconds later.

“Good,” Matt said, heading straight for his bunk to retrieve his laptop to upload the video to the official website immediately. The others scattered to do their own thing and I ushered Jack into the back lounge to talk to him. I had to sort things out with him as soon as possible. Jack sat down on the couch and I flopped down next to him, leaning back into the soft leather.

“What’s up?” He asked me. “I think we need to fake break up,” I blurted, looking up at him. Jack’s smile disappeared immediately, replaced with a frown, his bushy eyebrows knitted together thoughtfully. “Why?” He said after a moment, his voice cracking. I wanted to let him down gently, but I decided the only way to make it right was to just tell the truth. “I’m in love with Matt,” I admitted. “What?” He blurted, incredulous. “I have been since I was fifteen.”

“Then why didn’t you make a move on him then?” Jack said, his tone almost accusatory. “Because I thought he’d never like me back!” I replied. “Why, Roxxie? You’re gorgeous. And on top of that, you’re funny and smart and happy and awesome and you love music and you can play guitar and you’re everything a guy could ever want and more,” Jack said in a rush. I was silent a few moments, completely taken aback. “I’ve never thought any of that stuff about myself,” I said. “Well, you should. Because it’s true. Matt’s very lucky,” Jack said quietly, looking down at his hands. “Hey, are you okay with this?” I asked him tentatively, taking his hands in mine. “Please, Jack. Tell me the truth.”

“I’m not okay, Roxxie! I’m just fucking not!” Jack screamed. “Nothing ever works out for me! First with Alex and now you...and you told Addison everything! Now I just feel like an even bigger idiot and Addison probably thinks I’m a fucking faggot, all thanks to you! I’m in the middle of this big fucking mess with no way out!”

“Hey!” I retorted angrily. “All I ever tried to do was help you, Jack! I played along and I kept your secret, but I want out, okay?”

“You didn’t keep my secret! You told Addison everything. How do you think that makes me feel, Roxxie?” Jack said, tears flowing down his face. I bit down on my bottom lip hard and tried hard not to cry myself. I hated that Jack was so mad at me. After all, he was my best friend.

“And don’t think I didn’t know about Matt this whole time. You basically cheated on me!” Jack continued, more tears falling down his face. “It hurt, Roxxie!”

“Why does any of this even matter to you, Jack? It wasn’t even real! Why the fuck do you care so much?” I screamed at him.

“Because I think I’m in love with you!”

“W-What?” I stammered. Jack looked at me, his eyes full of fear, beads of sweat forming across his forehead. “I just...I didn’t mean for it to happen, okay? I thought I wanted Alex...that I liked him, but you...” Jack trailed off. “I guess you can’t help who you fall for. I can’t help how I feel, Roxxie. I really fucking love you.”

“I-I don’t know what to say,” I stammered. “You don’t have to say anything,” Jack said glumly, standing up. “The look in your eyes says it all. Don’t worry about me, Roxxie. You love Matt and he loves you.”

“But Jack...”

“Forget about it. I’ll tell everyone we broke up. It’d never work between us anyway. We’re just too alike. Best friends forever, remember? We always said that in high school. Everyone else thought it was completely dorky, but we meant it. Roxxie and Jack against the world....but that was another time. I’ll get over it.” Jack smiled weakly and shrugged, walking out the door without looking back.