I'm Finding Me Out

Roxxie’s POV

I stared at the closed door in shock. What exactly had just happened? Jack loved me now? For real? Why the fuck did everyone on this goddamn tour have to get so caught up with emotions? It was making my head spin. I wanted to get away, but where could I go? The bus was rolling along smoothly, en route to our next destination. I had no place to go. I was stuck on board. The only way I could escape was through music.

I got up from the couch and crossed the room, retrieving Zack’s acoustic guitar from it’s case. He always brought it on board the bus. He couldn’t go anywhere without it. I knew he wouldn’t mind me using it, so I sat back down on the couch and slung it across my lap. I slowly pulled my sling off, wincing in pain as I moved my shoulder the wrong way. It was incredibly awkward to hold the guitar with my cast, but I was determined to play.

I spent the next three hours trying to perfect it. No one came in to disturb me. I was left alone with my thoughts. And my motherfucking cast. I was beginning to hate it already. It kept banging against the guitar and getting in the way when I tried to play. I had to hold the guitar a certain way and angle my arm just so, before I could get through an entire song without fucking up. And after three hours, I managed to get it right.

That’s when the real work began. I’d had the music floating around in my head for the entire tour. I’d written the riffs and recorded them on my iPhone in case I forgot. After everything that had happened, it was time to write about it. Time to put my pen to paper and write down in the form of lyrics everything I so badly wanted to say. Everything I felt. It felt good. Almost cleansing.

My phone started ringing and I picked it up and answered without looking at the caller ID. “Hello?” I said into the phone. “Where the fuck are you?” Matt’s worried voice came across the line. “In the back lounge!” I laughed. “Why?” I heard Matt sigh and could just imagine him running his hand through his hair. “You dropped off the radar. We thought you’d gotten off the bus at the last stop and we’d gone without you.” I laughed again. “You didn’t think to check the bus?” I asked him. “Well, I am male,” Matt said. I laughed again just as the door to the room opened.

Matt stood in the doorway, holding his phone to his ear. I smiled and hung up, tossing my phone on the couch. Matt put on an expression of mock-hurt, holding his hand over his heart. “I can’t believe you hung up on me!” he said, crossing the room and sitting down beside me. He glanced at the guitar leaning against the couch beside me.

“You been practicing?” He asked, looking back at me. “Trying. It’s been really difficult with this getting in the way all the time,” I said with a sigh, holding my plastered arm in the air. “Don’t force it,” Matt said softly. “I’m not. I just...I wanna be able to play again. I feel useless as it is,” I said with a sigh, leaning back into the couch. Matt stood up and held his hands out for me. I took his hands and he pulled me up and off the couch. “Hug it out,” he said with a crooked smile. I smiled back at him weakly and wrapped my arms around his middle. He flinched slightly when my cast hit his back. “Sorry!” I said, looking up at his face. “It’s okay,” he smiled, pressing his lips to my forehead.

“Are you?” I asked him.
“What?” Matt raised his eyebrows, clearly confused.
“Okay?”

“Me? Yeah, I’m fine,” he said with a smile, pulling me closer to his chest. I sighed and closed my eyes as Matt gently swayed me backwards and forwards. “I broke up with Jack,” I whispered, wondering if he’d heard. “I know,” he said softly. “Jack was pretty upset.” I swallowed nervously and felt the guilt spring up in me immediately. But I’d been right, hadn’t I? It wasn’t like the relationship between Jack and I had been real anyway. And he’d been upset when I’d told Addison the truth....I knew that if I told Matt, I would definitely cross a line. Sure, Jack and I weren’t ‘together’ anymore, but I still owed him that. I’d said that I would keep his secret, and I would. Although now I wondered if he still liked Alex or not.

“Seems everyone’s bummed out,” Matt said now, breaking me out of my trance. I looked up at him, confused. “What do you mean?” I asked him. He brought his hand up to push a strand of hair back behind my ear. He held the side of my face ever so gently in his hand and tilted his head to the side to look at me. “I think Zack and Adi broke up,” he said. “What?” I replied, my voice rising. “Yeah, Zack mentioned something. Says it just wasn’t going to work,” Matt said, staring into my eyes. I knitted my eyebrows together in thought. “She didn’t say anything,” I said. “She probably didn’t want to worry you,” Matt assured me. I sighed and leant against him once more, Matt hugging me tightly.

His phone suddenly rang, breaking the moment. He sighed and retrieved the device from his pocket. “Hello?” He said irritably, still holding onto me with one arm. “No, I told you already....yes, I know....no, you’ll just have to tell them that it’s not happening....don’t yell at me, I had no control over this....yes, fine, okay...bye.” He shoved the phone back into his pocket, a frown on his face. “Everything okay?” I asked him. “Nothing for you to worry about, Roxx. Just business,” he told me, kissing me on the forehead before releasing me. “You should get some sleep,” he said, reaching out to take my hand.

“Roxx, please don’t give me that look,” Matt said with a sigh. “What look?” I asked him, almost offended. “You really don’t have to worry. I’ve got everything sorted.”

“Then why can’t you just tell me what’s happening?”
“I don’t want to upset you...”
“Matt. Please.”

“Fine,” he sighed. “There’s a select few people who are, disgruntled that you won’t be able to perform. They’re doubting Alex’s abilities.”

“That’s crazy,” I said. “I know,” Matt replied. “I told them there was nothing I could do. Doctors orders and all that. Especially with your concussion. It just wouldn’t be safe. Plus, I imagine it’s difficult if not impossible to play with that cast.” I shook my head and smiled at him. “What do you think I’ve been doing for the last three hours?” I already felt bad enough as it was about not being able to perform. People were already disappointed in me. I was disappointed in me. Why did I have to be so goddamn clumsy? It was all my fault.

“I’m going to bed,” I said now, letting go of Matt’s hand and pushing past him. “Roxxie, are you sure you’re okay?” Matt said. “Peachy,” I replied with a tight smile. A complete lie, of course. I just didn’t want Matt to see me so fucked up. I got into my bunk and pulled the covers up and over my head.

Zack and Adi were over.
Jack and I were over.
People were pissed at me.
Alex had to be nervous.

It just felt as though everything was falling apart. The show the next day would only prove that to everyone. What if the band couldn’t pull through? What if we failed spectacularly all because of me? Everyone would be so disappointed. We would be slammed with bad reviews. And all because of me. I sighed and turned, falling into a restless sleep, dreading the promise of tomorrow.
______

I woke in the morning to find that Jack had already broadcasted our breakup via twitter. Well, sort of.

Some things just aren’t meant to be. Still best friends, though! Moving on.

My twitter mentions had basically exploded. As I scrolled through them, they all pretty much said the same thing. People wanted to know what had gone down between Jack and I. If Jack wanted everything out in the open, I could play at that game, too. With that thought in mind, I wrote my side of the story.

Sometimes things just don’t work. I still love Jack as my best friend. Sorry it couldn’t be more.

There. Done. Sorted.
I hoped.

I just wanted all these sick little games to be over. I wanted everything back the way it used to be, before all the fucked up things that had happened this tour. Everyone had been on an emotional rollercoaster that showed no signs of slowing down. It was hell and I just wanted out.

It seemed Zack had joined in the twitter games, too. Single & ready 2 mingle! Shit. We sure had a thing for saying it like it was to, oh, I don’t know, the entire motherfucking world. At least it cleared a few things up. I tossed my phone in my bunk as I climbed out, suddenly falling flat on the floor, face down. It felt as though I weighed a tonne. My head really fucking hurt. I just felt so drained.

“Roxxie? Are you okay?” Alex sounded overly concerned. I lifted my head a little and saw his bare feet. I grumbled and put my head back down on the floor with a thump. “Roxxie? You’re freaking me out,” Alex said, gently gripping my sides, in an attempt to get me to sit up. “Guys! I need help!” Alex hollered, his voice ringing in my ears.

What was wrong with me? My head felt so heavy and every sound was amplified. It felt like my world was spinning. I was so dizzy. It felt like a killer hangover, actually, but I hadn’t had anything to drink. What was happening? I suddenly felt another pair of hands grip my sides and haul me up into their arms. I opened my eyes slowly before closing them, the light almost blinding. I was failing already. I wanted to prove everybody wrong and get up and play shows again. But there I was, being a weak little girl. And I hated every minute of it.

“Shit. Get Rian,” I heard Zack say. He must have been the one holding me. He pulled me to his chest, his arms warm and secure around me. “Roxxie, can you hear me?” His voice was much too loud, and I brought my hands to my ears. This action only brought on another round of dizziness. I leant forward heavily, and Zack gently pulled me back to him.

“What’s wrong with her?” Rian’s voice boomed. “I don’t know,” Alex sobbed. “I came in and she was face down on the floor.” Zack shifted me in his arms and rubbed my back soothingly. “It’s probably concussion,” Rian said. “It’s delayed,” Zack noted. “Roxxie? Please say something,” Alex squeaked.

“Shut the fuck up,” I muttered. I felt Zack’s chest vibrate with laugher. “Dude, don’t take it personally,” Zack said. “It’s like a massive hangover. We must sound like we’re yelling.” I groaned and buried my face in Zack’s shoulder. “Shut up,” I sighed. “I think she’ll be okay,” Rian said with a little chuckle. Zack lifted me up and put me back into my bunk. “Rest up, okay?” He whispered, pulling the covers over me. “I’m sorry about you and Adi,” I whispered. I opened my eyes slightly, just in time to see the look of hurt on Zack’s face. He looked like death, honestly.

“Thanks,” he mumbled. “You just holler if you need anything.” I nodded, my head punishing me for it. “Thank you, Zack.”

I laid in my bunk for an hour, wide awake, head pounding, before I heard someone push my curtain back. I turned my head to see who it was, ever so slowly. “I heard about what happened,” Matt whispered. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here.”

“It’s okay,” I replied, reaching out for him. I played with the collar of his shirt as he stared at me, his face set in worry. “Hey, don’t worry,” I told him. “I’ve got it sorted.” Matt smiled wryly at me and climbed into the bunk beside me, bringing me into his arms. I rested my head on his chest and listened to the steady beating of his heart as he pulled me closer. This time, I fell asleep easily, so content and comfortable in Matt’s arms, like all my worries had disappeared.