I'm Finding Me Out

Roxxie’s POV

“Rian, take a breather. Go find Addison. Alex, go to bed. Jack, you’re coming with me” I said to each of the guys in turn. Everything was so messed up and it looked like I was gonna be the only one around to clean it up.

They all nodded. Rian walked out of the hotel room and Alex got into bed. He fell asleep immediately. I dragged Jack out of the hotel room by the collar. They all knew not to argue with me.

Once we were outside the hotel room, I shut the door and dragged Jack down the hallway. Once we were in the privacy of the elevator, I slammed him against the wall.

“What the hell, Jack? I know you’re not drunk!” I shouted.

“Roxxie, I’m sorry, I just – “

“You shouldn’t be apologizing to me, dickhole!” I shouted, cutting him off. He was silent and I released my grip on him. He slid down the elevator wall to sit on the floor. I reached over and hit the emergency stop button inside the elevator. It jolted to a stop and Jack looked up at me in fright.

“Are you fucking crazy?!” Jack screamed, getting up from his slumped position on the floor.

“Sit down, Jack. This is the only way we’re gonna get any privacy. So talk” I said, sitting down on the elevator floor. Jack sat down opposite me and leant against the wall.

“Why’d you do it?” I said.

“Roxxie, listen, I know it was stupid and that he’s in love with Addison, but what the hell was I supposed to do? I’m so fucking confused” he said, his head hung low.

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“I think I’m in love with Alex” he said, looking up at me. I had no idea what to say. I thought Jack had just been messing around. I hadn’t expected this confession.

“Are you sure?” I asked. I didn’t know what else to say.

“Of course I’m sure! And it just kills me to see him with her” he said, a tone of disgust in his voice. At who, I wasn’t sure.

“Hey, she’s my sister!” I retorted.

“She’s in the way” Jack said in a low voice. I’d never seen this dark side of him before.

“Jack! Alex likes girls, okay? He’s straight!” I said. I guess I was getting pretty worked up.

“So am I!” he yelled.

“You just said you loved Alex!” I yelled back at him. I was seriously confused.

“I do! I don’t like boys, okay? I like Alex!”

“In case you haven’t noticed, he’s a boy” I pointed out.

“I know, dammit, I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing anymore” Jack said. Then he did something I never thought I’d ever see. He started to cry.

Jack Barakat was crying.

Fuck, I thought, I didn’t see that coming.

I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t good with emotional scenes. I could defuse anger and stop fights, definitely, but if someone brought on the water works I was completely out of my comfort zone. I was at a loss and completely awkward.

I stood up and walked over to sit next to Jack. I didn’t know what to say to make him feel better so I just wrapped my arms around his bony shoulders. I thought it was awkward, but apparently Jack didn’t. He wrapped his arms around my torso and cried into my shirt. I rested my head on top of his until he got it under control. We broke apart and he wiped his now-reddened eyes.

“Please don’t tell anyone, Roxxie. Please tell everyone I was drunk, too. That it was just an accident. I’m not gay, Roxxie” Jack pleaded. His brown eyes were filled with fear and all I saw before me was a scared little boy.

“I won’t tell anyone, Jack attack” I reassured him. I had no idea how I’d keep this whole thing a secret and pretend like tonight had been an accident. If Jack thought he was fucked up, I felt the same. I had this huge secret to carry around added to the stress of the tour starting the next day.

Fuck, I thought.

Fuck.

______

“Roxxie, we’ve gotta leave in ten minutes!” Rian called out. His voice drifted up the hallway and into my bedroom where I was still busily trying to pack all my clothes. I always left everything to the last minute. I was grateful that Rian had sorted out my guitars the night before.

“What the hell are you doing?” Rian growled at me from my doorway.

I looked up at my brother with an innocent smile.

“Packing” I said with a shrug.

Rian sighed and walked over to my wardrobe, tossing out tee-shirts, jeans and various other items of clothing. They landed on the floor around me and I hurriedly jammed them into my suitcase.

“Thanks, bro!” I called out to him. He grunted in response.

I think he just about emptied my wardrobe when he finally came back out.

“A little help?” I said, eyeing my suitcase. It was more than full and I couldn’t get it to zip up.

“If you packed last night, you could’ve folded everything so it would fit” he pointed out, sitting on top of my suitcase.

“Hey, don’t you play the older-and-wiser-brother card on me! I’m three and a half minutes older than you” I retorted as I zipped up the suitcase.

“Yeah, and you’ll never let me forget it” Rian said, picking up my now-closed suitcase and carrying it down the hall. I grabbed my messenger bag from beside the door and followed him out, stopping by Addison’s room.

“You sure you want to do this?” I asked her for about the millionth time.

“Yes. I’ve got a job to do, and I’m gonna do it right” she said, rolling her suitcase out into the tiled hallway.

“You know I think you’re crazy” I said, as we walked outside where Rian was waiting for us.

“I know you do. You’ve only told me about a million times!” she said sarcastically.

“Hey, I just don’t want you to get hurt” I said gently.

“It’s a bit late for that” she said with a weak smile, just about breaking my heart.

Rian took Addison’s bag and put it in the boot of his jeep, along with mine. I helped him load up my guitars as Addison climbed into the back seat. Rian shut the boot when everything was loaded and got in the driver’s seat. I got in the front passenger’s side and flipped on the radio. The atmosphere inside the car already felt tense and we hadn’t even arrived at the bus yet. I had a feeling the whole tour was going to be tense and I found myself dreading living on the bus.

We arrived at the bus and started unloading the jeep. Rian did most of the work and Addison busied herself with her boxes of merch to avoid talking to anyone. Jack emerged from the bus and walked over to the jeep to help me finish unloading my guitars. Together, we stored them in the bottom of the bus in silence. When we were finished, Jack motioned for me to get on the bus. I followed him inside and sat down on the couch. Jack sat down on next to me. We were alone as everyone else was still busily loading stuff outside.

“About last night..” Jack trailed off.

“Forget about it. I won’t tell anyone” I said, cutting him off.

“Promise?” he said. I saw the fear in his eyes that I’d seen the night before.

“Promise” I confirmed. Jack pulled me into a tight hug.

“You’re such a good friend” he said into my ear.

We broke apart awkwardly when everyone else started filing onto the bus. Everyone was smiling and excited for the tour, but I sensed the tension almost immediately the moment Alex walked up the steps. Rian had given him strict orders not to talk to Addison. Alex locked eyes with Addison but she looked away. His eyes fell on me next and I gave him a warning look.

“So, guys, and gals” Matt said with a wink in my direction “Go kill each other for the best bunks!”

It was a successful tension diffuser. I got up off the couch and rushed to the back of the bus. I was not going to be left with the top bunk again. On the last tour, every time I tried to get out of my bunk, the guys would all reach out and grab my legs, causing me to lose my balance and go toppling to the floor. That was not going to happen again. This tour, I’d be the one doing the leg-grabbing to whoever was unlucky enough to end up the top bunks.

I got to the bunks first and claimed one of the bottom ones. Arms and legs were everywhere as we all stumbled over each other to claim the best ones. I climbed into mine and threw my bag onto the bottom bunk opposite mine to save it for Addison. It was the least I could do. I secretly hoped that Rian would get stuck with one of the top ones.

Jack crouched down to claim Addison’s bunk and saw my bag. He looked over at me.

“Sorry, bro! Saved that one for Addison!” I said.

“Dammit, Roxxie! Now I’m stuck with a top one!” he joked. I laughed and stuck my head out of my bunk, looking for Addison. She was standing awkwardly at the door.

“Adi! I saved you one!” I called out to her. Her eyes found mine and she threw me an appreciative smile before making her way to me. I removed my bag from her bunk and put it in mine. Addison dumped her bag on her bed before walking back out to the main living area of the bus.

I followed her out, as did the rest of the guys. We all sat around on the couches as our driver started the engine. The bus started rolling along and we were on tour!

“So, who got slammed with the top bunks?” I said, breaking the awkward silence. A smile spread across my face as Rian slowly raised his hand. Rian and Jack were the only band members that got stuck with the top bunks.

I exchanged a high-five with Matt. We’d made a deal a few weeks back to make sure that Rian got a top bunk. He sat down next to me on the couch and I picked up one of my acoustic guitars that I’d brought onto the bus. I slung it across my lap and started picking out a riff.

“What’s that?” Rian asked.

“Just something I’ve been working on” I said. I stopped playing it and started up another tune.

“Dudes! We’re going on tour!” I yelled. Everyone cheered, apart from Alex, Jack and Addison, who all looked pretty depressed. Their faces brightened a little as everyone started singing ’Six Feet Under The Stars’ with my guitar. One of my personal favourite songs that the band had written together.

The tour was going to be tough; there was no doubt about it. I’d have to lie to everyone about what had happened at the party to cover Jack. There’d be no time for making up either, with the busy tour schedule that Matt had planned. We’d have to play shows, do meet and greets and interviews with big smiles on our faces like nothing was wrong.

We’d all have to practice our acting skills, that was for sure.