I'm Finding Me Out

“Matt, what if we don’t find him?” My voice sounded weak, even to me. I was barely holding it together, and I hated how fragile I felt. “We will,” Matt replied. I couldn’t get past the look of sadness on his face. I knew I was hurting him, and I hated myself for that. It seemed all I ever did was hurt the people who actually meant something to me.

Despite the fact that it was summer, the night air was cool and crisp, and my breath was visible in front of my face as we walked down a dark street together. I roughly wiped away the tears from my face with the back of my hand. Everything was my fault. Matt walked beside me in silence. We weren’t touching – there was a small gap between us. The only sounds were that of far-off cars and the echo of our footsteps on the concrete.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, not sure if Matt had heard, or if I even wanted him to. “What for?” Matt asked me. He stopped walking to look at me. I stopped and turned to look back at him, my hands shoved in my pockets. I looked down at my cast, and my eyes landed on the place where Jack had signed it.

The sadness took over. It was like a giant wave, building up and crashing down on me with such a force that I had no way of fighting against it. I was drowning and it felt like no one was going to save me.

I lost it, for what seemed like the millionth time. I started crying. I refused to let my eyes reach Matt’s. I was ashamed. For crying in front of him, when I was the one who was always strong for everybody else. For fucking up everything with Jack and making him run away. For hurting Matt when all I ever wanted to do was love him and no one else.

“Everything,” I said now. “I just…I hate me.” Matt immediately wrapped his arms around me and pulled me to his chest. “Please don’t ever say that,” he whispered in my ear. “But I fucked everything up,” I sobbed into his chest. “It’s my fault that Jack ran away and that you’re sad.” Matt pulled me closer. “Oh, Roxxie,” he sighed. “I’m not sad!”

“Please, Matt. Don’t lie to me,” I said, gripping onto him like my life depended on it. I never waned to let him go. “Roxanne Elizabeth Dawson, you are the most important person in my life. I wouldn’t lie to you,” Matt said. “I saw the look on your face and it’s my fault it was there,” I said. “Roxx, I was just worried about you. I always am. That’s probably all it was. Please believe me,” Matt said. I looked up and him and opened my mouth to protest, but Matt pressed his lips to mine before I had the chance.

We broke apart and he rested his forehead against mine, looking deep into my eyes. “I don’t think I’ve ever asked you,” He whispered now. I was silent and waited for him to finish. “Roxxie, will you be my girlfriend?” I stared as I felt the smile form on my lips. “I have been waiting years for you to ask me that, and the answer has always been yes,” I said. Matt pulled me into a tight hug, and I felt a little better. Like maybe Matt could fill the hole in my heart. Maybe he already had.

We started walking again, Matt’s arm around my waist, and mine around his as I leant into his side. Matt talked to me about Mickey Mouse to keep my mind off worrying about Jack and I listened, grateful for the distraction. It started to rain, and Matt shrugged off his hoodie, draping it over my shoulders. I protested, of course, but he insisted. I put my arms through the sleeves and zipped it up before pulling the hood over my head.

We rounded a corner and I spotted two people huddled together in the gutter out the front of a gaming arcade. One of them had black hair and was extremely lanky. “Is that Jack?” I whispered, but Matt didn’t hear me over the rain. “Jack!” I screamed, taking off in a sprint towards him. The person in the gutter turned to look at me. It was Jack. He looked confused. Scared, even.

He slowly stood up as I ran towards him. When I reached him, I threw my arms around his neck and leaped into his arms. Jack struggled under my weight and I let go, standing on the concrete, water rushing around my ankles. “Why the fuck did you run away?” I asked him. “Because it seemed like no one would care if I disappeared,” Jack replied, looking down at his soaked shoes. “I’d care, you dick!” I screamed at him. “Why, Roxxie? You seem like the last person who would give a fuck if I ran away!” Jack yelled. I flinched and stepped back from him, tears stinging my eyes even as the rain continued to fall.

“You asshole!” I screamed back at him. “I’ve only been a wreck the last few hours!” Jack snorted. “Don’t lie to me,” he said bitterly. “I don’t need your sympathy.” I shoved him in the chest. “Fuck you!” I screamed. “Fuck you, Jack! Damn you to hell! You think we’ve been friends for over ten years and I just don’t give a fuck? Maybe I was the stupid one for thinking our friendship meant something!”

“Well, fuck you, too!” Jack screamed. “I really fucking love you and you just threw everything in my face! Excuse me for wanting to run away! I don’t even know where to go anymore or if I even have a home!” I was glad it was raining. I hated Jack in that moment, and I would have hated him to see me crying for him.

“You’re a fucking idiot!” I screamed. “We all love you and the only home that you will ever have will be with us!” I choked on the last few words and turned away, refusing to even look at him anymore. “How can I even believe you, Roxxie?” Jack spat. “After everything.”

“I’m still fucking here, aren’t I? I’m not giving up, even if you already have,” I said, daring to look at him. It was hard to tell, but I was pretty sure he was crying, too. “Fuck you, Dawson,” he said, cracking a smile. “Fuck you, too,” I said, hugging him despite everything. He hugged me back, burying his face in my shoulder. “You’re a fucking idiot,” I told him. “Don’t ever do that to me again. I almost had a fucking heart attack.” I felt Jack nod against my neck before he let me go. Matt approached us then.

He was shivering in just his tee-shirt, which was soaked through and clinging to his skinny body. “Hey, are you guys okay?” He asked tentatively. I nodded. “I never expected you guys to come looking for me,” Jack said.

“They never expected you’d run away.”

My head snapped in the direction of the gutter, where a blonde girl was sitting, her knees pulled to her chest. Jack turned around and helped her up. She stood beside him awkwardly and looked up at us. When her eyes landed on me, she stared. So much so that I began to feel uncomfortable.

“Guys, this is Kelly. Kelly, this is Roxxie and Matt,” Jack introduced us, shoving his hands in his pockets. Thankfully, the rain had eased up now, to nothing more than a light drizzle. I squirmed under Kelly’s gaze. She wasn’t letting up. “What?” I finally spat, my voice sounding harsher than I intended. “Wanna take a picture?”

Kelly blinked and looked away. “I’m sorry,” she said. “You remind me of someone I used to know.” Her and Jack exchanged a look of mutual understanding, and he draped his arm over her shoulders. I wondered who this girl was and what was going on, but knew better than to ask. I rang the others and told them we’d found Jack and where we were whilst Matt talked to Jack and Kelly.

Everyone arrived not too much longer after. Adi immediately hugged me, letting me know that everything was going to be okay, even if she didn’t say anything. Rian put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me to his side, not letting go. When Alex arrived, an eerie silence settled over the group as he and Jack’s eyes met. Jack opened his mouth to say something, but bit down on his lip to stop himself. Alex was crying silently, tears sliding down his face as he stared at Jack. Suddenly, he threw himself at Jack, wrapping his arms around his neck. “Don’t you ever do that to me again, you fucker!” He said, crying into his shoulder, much like I had done.

“But I thought you didn’t want to be my friend anymore,” Jack whimpered, hardly audible, sounding like a little kid. “You’ll always be my best friend and you know it,” Alex said. Then everyone did something I had never expected. We started clapping.

Cheering.
Yelling.
Hugging.
Screaming.

We all moved in on the two, enveloping them in a huge group hug, together in that small street in front of the dingy games arcade in the rain in the middle of the night. Finally, we were all together again, and we all felt whole. Happy.