I'm Finding Me Out

The tour bus was filled with tension, and I was thankful that we were getting a hotel for that night. Usually I shared a room with Roxxie - but after what had happened, it looked like I would be rooming with Zack.

As we filed out of the bus, all of us were silent - except for two, Roxxie and Jack. They were talking happily, smiles plastered on both of their faces. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Rian with the same confused expression on his face as mine. Good, so I wasn’t the only one who had no idea about what was going on.

We all crammed into the elevator awkwardly. It was worse for me, because the entire front of my body was pressed up against Alex. He was probably enjoying it, but I sure as hell wasn’t. We had gotten two rooms this time. Jack, Alex, Roxxie, and Rian would be in one; while Zack, Matt, and I would be in the other. At least I wouldn’t have to be with anybody I disliked, so maybe Rian did still care about me enough to fix up the rooms that way.

As we set our things in the room, I flopped helplessly on one of the beds. I felt like shit, and I had since the previous night - when I’d fought with my siblings. I felt bad for saying some of those things to Roxxie, but she had said things I didn’t deserve either. Then Alex was kissing me, which was just dumb on his part.

I felt another person sit on my bed. I turned around and realized it was Zack. “Hey.” he whispered to me, even though no one else was in the room. Matt was in the hotel room across the hall, hanging out with the other guys.

“Hey,” I replied back with a smile. It was nice to have somebody who cared for me there. He pushed the hair out of my eyes gently as he looked down at me.

“How about you and me do something tonight?” he suggested. “Get your mind off of things.”

“I would like that,” I agreed. “But can we just do something here? I don’t feel good at all.”

“Sure,” he said, falling silent in thought for a moment. “Maybe we could just hang out and watch a movie?”

“Sounds good,” I paused. “Just let me have a shower first.”

He nodded as I got off the bed and grabbed my things to take a shower. Tonight was going to be fun, and I was planning on it staying exactly that way. I quickly took a shower, and changed into pyjamas; which consisted of flannel pants and a black tank top.

As Zack went into the bathroom, I heard a knock at the door. Assuming it was Matt trying to get back in, I opened it. I was wrong - it was Alex. “Hey.”

“Hello,” I said as casually as possible. “Do you need something?”

He sighed. “I gotta talk to you, Addison. About everything.”

I looked around the room – avoiding his face so that I wouldn’t have to see his pleading face. “It didn’t go so well last time,” I reminded him.

“I know,” he admitted. “But I promise this time nothing will happen. I promise I won’t, like, invade your personal space or anything.”

I knew that we really did need to talk, and it couldn’t hurt if he promised not to do anything. “Okay, sure.”

He smiled and I almost grabbed his hands instinctively, but quickly held them at my sides. Alex led me to the end of the hallway - where no one could hear us talking. We sat down on the steps, side by side and were both silent for a moment.

He began first. “Before I say anything, I want to apologize for last night. It was a stupid thing I did, and I’m sorry. I’m really sorry Adi, I just couldn’t help myself. You looked so helpless, and I just went with my gut feeling.”

“Yeah, right,” I said sarcastically. “You weren’t following your heart, you were following your dick.”

Alex chuckled to himself before regaining his composure and continuing.

“Adi, I miss this. I miss you. Can’t we just move on from everything? How many times do I have to say I’m sorry before you’ll believe me?” he pleaded.

“I f-forgive you,” I stuttered slightly as I tried to swallow back the sobs rising in my throat.

Alex smiled and took my hands in his. I allowed this and looked up into his eyes.

“Please, can’t we get back together?” Alex asked me, his eyes full of hope. I slid my hands out of his and crossed my arms over my chest, looking away from his face at the wall.

“Alex,” I whispered. “Please don’t.”

“Can’t we at least be friends?” he whispered, barely audible. I turned my face to look at him and noticed that he was nearly in tears. How could I say no? I couldn’t stay mad at him forever. When I didn’t answer him, he tried again.

“Can’t we at least try to be friends again? Addison, I know this must be hard for you, and I’m sorry for dumping all this on you on top of everything that happened with Roxxie. I know you must feel terrible about the things you said to her, but what she said back must have hurt you more than ever. Probably because you think they’re true. I can tell you’re not over me, Addison, but you want to be. That hurts, you know? But I guess I shouldn’t bother you anymore if you just want to move on. I know exactly what’s going through your brain, Adi.”

I stared at him dumbfounded. “How did you know that?”

“Adi,” he directed towards me. “I dated you for eight months, and knew you years before that. You gotta give me some credit there!”

I smiled slightly. “Okay, you have a point.”

His face became serious again. “So, what do you say? Friends?”

“Alex,” I said his name. “I’m not so sure, but I’ll try.”

A smile dared to sneak onto his lips, but he tried desperately to hide it. “Really?”

I laughed slightly. “Yes.” I outstretched my arms for him to hug me. His face was full of surprise until it turned into happiness. His arms were soon around my waist, and mine around his. My face was just on his chest, which felt so warm and inviting. I wished I could just stay there and pretend like nothing had ever happened.

When I realized what I was doing, I pulled away swiftly. “I’ll see you around, Alex. Maybe we can do something tomorrow.”

“Yeah, sure, sounds great,” he said quickly. That’s when we both made our way back to our separate rooms alone. I was glad we had the talk, but now I felt like it was going to be that much harder to stay away from him.

“Where were you?” Zack’s voice called out to me from the bed.

“Oh,” I hesitated. “I was just talking to Alex.”

His eyes widened and he got up to come to me. “Are you okay? What happened?”

“I’m fine,” I sighed. “We’re gonna try to be friends.”

Zack sighed of relief. “Good, I thought something bad happened.”

“Zack, I’m really sorry. But I’m really tired. Do you mind if we do something tomorrow night instead?” I suggested. I was really exhausted and just wanted to go to sleep.

“Sure,” he smiled at me sympathetically. He turned off the lights and we went to our separate beds. I kind of wished he’d crawl into bed with me.

“Zack,” I whispered after a few minutes of silence.

“Yes?” he replied. I was happy that he was still awake.

“Zack?” I asked sheepishly. “Will you sing to me?” It was something Alex used to do whenever I was sad, and I knew that Zack could sing.

He chuckled. “Sure, what do you want me to sing?”

“Sing Remembering Sunday,” I asked. It reminded me of Alex - but I didn’t care, I just really liked that song.

He began to sing softly. “He woke up from dreaming and put on his shoes, started making his way past two in the morning, he hasn’t been sober for days. Leaning now into the breeze, Remembering Sunday he falls to knees, they had breakfast together, but two eggs don’t last like the feeling of what he needs. Now this place seems familiar to him, she pulled on his hand with a devilish grin, she led him upstairs, she led him upstairs, left him dying to get in. Forgive me I’m trying to find, my calling I’m calling at night, I don’t mean to be a bother, but have you seen this girl?”

That’s the last lyric I heard before drifting off to sleep. Lullabies always helped me sleep better.