I'm Finding Me Out

Roxxie’s POV

I nearly passed out at Jack’s request.

“What!?” I choked out.

“Will you be my girlfriend?” he repeated, his brown eyes full of hope. I raised my eyebrows at him and stepped back a bit.

“Aren’t you forgetting something?” I hinted. “I’m female!”

“I’m not gay, Roxxie!” Jack insisted. He seemed really hurt.

“Shit, Jack, I’m sorry! I was just joking around,” I said, placing my hands on his bony shoulders.

“I’m not gay,” he said. More to himself than to me.

“I can’t be your girlfriend,” I stated.

“Why not?”

“Because of Addison, because of everything that’s happened! And even if that hadn’t happened, we wouldn’t work together, Jack, honestly,” I said.

“Hey! What are you talking about? You think I want to seriously date you?” Jack asked in surprise, before bursting into laughter.

“What?” I asked. “What’s so funny?”

“Oh, Roxxie! That’s gross! I can’t date you!” he exclaimed.

“But you just said – “

“I mean pretend-date me. I don’t want Alex finding out,” Jack said, his tone turning serious once more.

“No one will believe it,” I said.

“I don’t see why not. We’ve been best friends since we were kids. Who’s to say it couldn’t turn into something more?” Jack said.

“Stop it! You’re starting to freak me out!” I exclaimed.

“Only because I’m starting to make even you believe it,” Jack smirked.

“We can’t just jump right into it, you know. We’ll have to hint at it until rumours start up. That’s the only way people will ever believe it,” I said.

“So you’ll do it?” Jack asked hopefully. I sighed.

If I ‘pretend-dated’ Jack, I would only be pushing Addison even further away. I wanted more than anything to make up with Addison. I wanted things to be okay again between us. But she’d been so distant, and she’d said some things that I could tell she’d meant. Even if I did apologize, or even ignore Jack, I had a feeling that that wouldn’t be enough for Addison. And I couldn’t ignore Jack. Not when he needed me so much.

It came down to my choice again. Family or friends. But Jack was like my family. All the guys were like my brothers. I’d grown up with them. I looked into Jack’s eyes and scrunched up my nose.

“I won’t have to kiss you, will I?” I said.

“Ew! No!” Jack replied instantly.

“That’s good,” I said, kicking at the ground awkwardly.

“Seriously, thank you, Roxxie. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had,” Jack said.

“Please! Don’t get all emotional on me!” I joked.

Jack pulled me into a tight hug and I wrapped my arms around his back. I closed my eyes and wished that it could have been Matt. Now that I’d agreed to help Jack, there was not a chance in hell that I would ever be with Matt. Not if he thought I was taken.

What did it matter, anyway? I’d been single for a long time now, and he hadn’t made any move or given me any signals that he wanted anything more than friendship. But when he’d come after me after the fight with Addison, I’d felt as though there was something there. Something that might even be worth risking myself for. But what was the point? Matt only wanted friendship as far as I knew and Jack needed my help. I couldn’t turn him down – not when he needed me so much.

In Addison’s eyes, I’d already betrayed her. Now that I was agreeing to ‘fake-dating’ Jack, I was really betraying her. I was also going against myself, agreeing to be with Jack, when the only person I really wanted to be with was Matt. Not that he actually knew that, and probably never would.

I was damned both ways.

______

Jack wouldn’t stop smiling. He sat next to me on the bus while we watched a movie, his arm draped casually around my shoulders. This wasn’t exactly suspicious, as Jack did it to everybody. He wouldn’t tear himself away from me for more than a few minutes. I had his undivided attention. It was strange, having him attached to me like that, and I found myself wondering what it would be like to be in a real relationship with Jack. Would he be acting like he was now? Or was his current act over-the-top in an attempt to raise suspicion?

We filed off the bus into the hotel and Addison threw me a glare, but I was too preoccupied with Jack to care. He was tickling my ear, causing me to laugh uncontrollably as we packed into the elevator. As soon as we were all cramped in there together, it was extremely awkward. Rian gave me a weird look, as if to say what are you doing? and Addison looked completely awkward, as Alex was forced to press up against her in the tiny space.

When the elevator finally reached our floor, we all walked out in a tense silence. Jack pulled my hair and I slapped him on the ass before dashing up the hallway. Jack ran after me and it was hard to run away from him with my bag over one shoulder. I ran to our room and waited at the door for Rian to catch up. Rooms had been changed at the last minute, after what had happened between Addison and I. She would be in a room with Matt and Zack and I would be in a room with Alex, Jack and Rian.

Jack was overly enthusiastic, and when he caught up to me, he wrapped his arms around my torso from behind, spinning me in circles. I laughed and begged for him to put me down, which he did, eventually. He stood just behind me, his arm draped casually over my shoulders. He played with my hair and whispered things in my ear as we waited for Rian to unlock the door. Everyone looked at us strangely. They were used to seeing Jack and I mess around, but never like this. I was a little worried about how they would react when Jack and I decided to tell them all. Jack leant down and whispered in my ear once more.

“It’s working!” he said with a cheeky smile. “Told ya!”

I looked over at Addison and Zack, who were just walking into their room across the hall from us. Zack didn’t look any different, but Addison openly glared at Jack and I. I didn’t really know how to feel, but I knew that I had to keep my word and play along with Jack. Addison was trying to be tough, and I could only imagine how much the sight of Jack and I together hurt her. I winced at the thought and felt instantly guilty about what I’d agreed to do.

“What’s wrong?” Jack asked me tentatively.

“Nothing,” I shrugged him off.

“Roxx, we’ve been friends a long time. I know when you’re lying,” Jack said.

“It’s nothing!” I protested.

“Fine!” Jack said, moving away from me. Rian finally arrived and unlocked the door. He entered the room and Jack and I followed after him. Alex came in a few moments later. I sat down on the edge of one of the beds and looked around the room, fiddling with my hands in my lap. Jack went into the other room and switched on the TV and went through the channels, looking for something to watch. Alex announced he was having a shower. That left Rian and I alone in the bedroom.

“What’s going on, Roxxie?” Rian asked me. I ran my fingers through my hair in frustration. I wished I could tell someone everything that I was thinking and feeling, but I was so afraid that no one would understand. I couldn’t even talk to my twin about it.

“Nothing’s going on,” I said, looking down at my hands.

“Then why the fuck are you playing happy families with Jack and ignoring Addison?” His accusation came out in a harsh tone and I flinched at his words.

“I’m not ignoring Addison. She’s the one who didn’t want to talk to me,” I said.

“You’re the one who ran away,” Rian pointed out. My eyes flicked to his face and I saw that he was serious. His eyes bored into mine and I felt the tears welling up inside me. I swear my heart stopped beating momentarily.

“I can’t believe you just said that,” I said, staring straight at him.

“Roxxie, I’m sorry,” Rian apologized, but I could tell he didn’t mean it.

“Whatever.” I stood up and walked out the door into the hall and right into Matt. I fell to the floor with a thump, hitting my head against the wall. I brought my hand to my head.

“Ow,” I whimpered to myself. I was happy that I could use our run-in as an excuse to start crying about what Rian had said.

“Roxx, I’m so sorry!” Matt exclaimed. He pulled me to my feet and pulled me into a hug.

“Are you okay?” Matt’s voice was soft and full of concern.

“Would you believe me if I said yes?”

“Absolutely not,” Matt said. I laughed and pulled away from him. I didn’t want anything to be awkward between us. Especially since I was supposed to be fake-liking Jack.

“Roxx, you’re tearing up and everything,” Matt said, brushing a tear away with his finger. “Please tell me what’s up.”

“Nothing.”

“Roxx...”

“It’s Rian. He just...I don’t even want to talk about it,” I admitted, looking down at my shoes.

“I brought you something,” Matt said. He held out my acoustic guitar. I took it from him and gave him an appreciative smile.

“Thank you,” I said.

“I knew you’d go crazy without it,” Matt said with a smile.

“You’re probably right,” I laughed.

“Mind if I come in?”

“Sure, why not?” I said, a little too enthusiastically.

I walked back into the room and tried not to look at Rian. I sat on my bed and picked out the riff I’d been working on for a long time.

“Isn’t that what you were playing on the bus?” Rian asked from across the room.

“Yeah,” I said. I continued to play. I’d figured out almost a whole song, as far as the music went, but I’d been struggling with the lyrics. I wanted the song to mean something, I wanted it to be truthful, but I just wasn’t as good as Alex at writing down how I felt.

I played it through once more, focusing on the way my fingers moved over the strings to pluck out the melody. I stopped playing and noticed that everyone in the room had fallen silent. Jack had come in from the other room to stare.

“That was amazing,” he said, running over to the bed and flopping down beside me.

“I agree,” Matt said with a smile.

“How long have you been working on that?” Alex asked me. He’d emerged from the shower wearing a pair of sweatpants and nothing else.

“Quite a while. I haven’t got any lyrics yet, though.”

“Maybe we could work on it together?” Alex suggested. I smiled at him.

“I know what I want to say, I just don’t know how to put it into lyrics, you know?” I said.

“I know exactly what that’s like,” Alex said.

“But all your lyrics are always so amazing,” I said, putting down my guitar. I rested it against the wall next to my bed. Jack draped his arm lazily around my shoulders.

“Not always. Sometimes I just write some utter bullshit,” Alex said, a light blush working its way across his features. I laughed at his uncharacteristic awkwardness and leant my head on Jack’s chest.

“I’m so tired,” I said.

“I should go,” Matt said awkwardly. I looked over at him and noticed that he was looking at Jack strangely. I didn’t know how to label the expression on his face. Was it contempt? Jealousy, even? I couldn’t tell and was too tired to be a typical girl and over think everything.

“Day off tomorrow!” Matt exclaimed on his way out the door.

“Wooo!” Jack called after him. I laughed and closed my eyes.

“You sleepy, Roxxie?” Jack said in a baby voice, pulling me closer to him.

“Shut up, loser,” I said with a laugh.

Alex announced that he was leaving and he’d be back in a second. Rian said he was having a shower. Jack and I were left alone in the room.

“Think it’s working?” I asked Jack.

“Duh. Did you see the look on Matt’s face? He was all like ‘what the fuck!?’ ” Jack said, bursting into laughter. I kept my eyes closed and tried to drift off to sleep. Jack turned on the television at the end of the bed quietly, he must’ve thought I was asleep already. I heard Rian come out and get into his bed which was across from where Jack and I were. Alex got back and must’ve seen Jack and I. I wasn’t asleep, but I pretended to be. I couldn’t resist the chance to eavesdrop on the boys.

“Where’d you go?” Jack whispered.

“Talking to Addison. We’ve decided to at least try and be friends,” Alex replied. I could hear the smile in his voice.

“That’s great,” Jack replied, but I could tell he didn’t mean it. I pretended to stir and wrapped my arms around Jack’s torso for dramatic effect. I could just imagine Alex raising his eyebrows in my direction.

“What’s going on with you and Roxxie?” Alex said to Jack.

“Why? You jealous or something?” Jack said in his joking manner. Only I could know that he wished what he said was true.

“No. I was just wondering,” Alex said defensively. I felt Jack pull the blankets up over me. He kissed me on the forehead.

“I like her,” Jack said.

“Seriously?” Alex asked him.

“Yeah,” Jack said, pulling me closer.

“Well, you’ve got some competition,” Alex said.

“Yeah, I know the fans will kill me,” Jack said jokingly. Alex laughed.

“No, it’s Matt. He’s liked her since forever. He never shuts up about her. Poor bastard,” Alex said.

My body stiffened instantly. Matt liked me?

Holy shit.