Of Love And Broken Toes

I was still.

I didn't move a muscle. As if made of stone I stayed where I was.

Two more knocks were heard. But I didnt move a muscle.

"Fay? You in there?" Came his voice.

I shut my eyes tightly, maybe if I didn't answer he would go away. I really couldn't deal with him and with all these emotions and feelings running wild. My heart started pounding when I heard him turning the door knob, good thing it was locked.

"Fay, if your in there please say something." He said, sounding a little worried.

I opened my mouth.

I would make to speak, but no words were coming out. I didn't know what to say or what to think, I was really confused.

I heard him sigh,

"Fay if you are in there, well I'm-" he stopped.

A few moments went by and it was still quiet. I let out a small sigh thinking he had finally left.

"Fay, please let me in." Came his voice. I jumped a little, I really thought he had left, but he was still here. Why is he still here? Why does he care so much?

I still said nothing, half of me wanted to just open the door and let him in, But the other half wanted to just do nothing.

Even if I did let him in what would he have to say to me? What's done is done and what was said was said. There's no going back. So why do I find myself making my way to the door?

"Let me in Fay." He said.

I reached for the lock.

But stopped.

And pulled my hand back.

I'm not ready to talk to him, I'm not ready to face him to face all these feelings and emotions. I don't even know why I'm bothered so much by his words. Why I feel like my heart is about to pop out of my chest. And I would really like to know where these damn butterflies come from so I can go to their land and kill them all.

"Go away," I finally said.

"Open the door." He said.

"No, go away. I don't want to talk to you." I said a little more stubbornly.

"Fay I'm not leaving you here all alone. Open the door so we can talk." He said sounding stubborn as well.

"I don't want to talk! I don't want to see or look at you! Get out!" I said.


He said.

"I don't need you and I don't need anyone! Just get out of my house! I don't want to talk to you!" I said getting a bit breathless.

"You really want me to go?" He said sounding sad.

"I just can't deal with all this right now James, whatever this is. I'm really confused and I just need to be alone." I said calmly.

"But your always alone." He said before I could respond he continued,
"Look I had no right to say all those things to you, I was being stupid. And I'm sorry Fay I just, I don't know what's going on with me either." He said.

"Just go James I think we both just need to be away from one another,we don't do eachother any good." I said.

It was quiet.

He didn't say anything.

"James?" I said.

No answer.

I was about to open the door but thought, what if he's just trying to get me this way?

That thought went down the drain when I heard a door close loudly.

I went to my window as quick as possible, hiding behind my curtain I looked towards the street. My eyes set on him walking to his house, his hands were in his pockets and his head was down.

And that stinging feeling came back, I put my hand on my heart and let out another long breathe.

When he finally made it to his porch, he turned back and looked at my window.

I stepped away quickly hoping he didn't see me. When I went to look again he was still standing there. My eyes were either playing tricks on me or he smiled a bit.

And just like that he disappeared behind his door.

And I'm here left with all these things running through my head.

I went to my stereo and popped in a CD and Breaking Benjamin’s Give me a Sign started playing. I turned the volume knob full blast and went to lay on my bed.

Spread out on my bed I tried to make sense of things, make sense of these feelings. He’s hot then he’s cold, he was cold first.

But he apologizes, a lot as well. Then he broke my foot, but I guess I can’t hold it against him since it wasn’t intentional. He was there when I was at the hospital, better then my own mother.

He insults me continuously and hurts my feelings. Or maybe I just take what he says the wrong way. Then again I think he meant to hurt me with ‘no wonder you have no one’ bit. But I guess that was my fault for calling him a geek.

He cares, showing up here offering to help because he wants to. If that’s not caring I don’t know what it is then. No one has ever went out of their way to help me, to try to understand me.

But I know I have to much pride.

I don’t want to end up like one of those sad sappy romances, where the girl is crying over the guy. They say it’s better to have love and lost, then to not have loved at all. But I’m not sure I could handle a broken heart.

Yet I know there is something between James and I. Opposites attract right? I know he has been rude and cruel in the past, but in the end he means well.

And then those darn butterflies, the way he makes my heart feel warm, when he held me it was pure warmth. I felt free for a moment, secure and safe. I know it’s weird but it’s as if that hug meant ‘you don’t have to be alone’.

James is something else, he’s different, no matter how cliché that sounds. And I wouldn’t admit this to anyone.

But I think I’m falling.

Falling hard.

Falling for a rude, cute, geek.

And I’m liking it.