Some Say This Can't Be Real.

A few days had passed uneventfully. The guys all hung out together to keep distracted as Jimmy’s death still bothered them. There was no blaming them for being upset either way. During my alone time, I went and picked up some hair dye after realizing that in the sun my hair was half brown and half orange. A fresh coat of a mahogany color felt like a nice change. I had just settled on the couch when I had gotten a text message from my brother.

On my way home, Brian is with me, he wants to talk to you.

I scowled at the thought, but also wondered what he wanted to talk about. Ten minutes hadn’t even passed when I heard the key in the lock. I sighed as I went to greet them.

“Hey, bro.” I greeted him. “Brian.” I gave him a nod of acknowledgement.

Johnny sensed the brief rise in tension. “Okay then. Kitchen, now.”

We sat at the table. Johnny next to me in a protective manner, and Brian across from us. Something was different in his eyes. Different than what I was used to. I had never seen those chocolate brown eyes look so sincere towards me. Ever.

“So, if you didn’t already guess, I had a talk with Brian the other night. That’s why he was off limits,” Johnny said. “He has had time to think, and now he wants to talk to you.”

I sighed as I locked eyes with Brian, telling him to go on with what he had to say. Still taken aback by the new emotions that were surrounding him, I almost couldn’t keep the eye contact. Brian sighed.

“I want this to mean something to you, but I’m not sure if it will. I really am sorry for everything. For picking on you, for poking fun at you, for that night I forced you into it, for driving you to leave. I did like you a lot, but couldn’t find the right way to show it. I was just too cocky and arrogant to let myself get caught up into it.”

I hesitated to believe him, but his actions were speaking louder than his words were. I turned to my brother for confirmation of Brian’s apology. He just gave me a nod. With a sigh, I stood up, grabbed Johnny’s arm and pulled him with me to his room.

“Okay, so he knows that I told everyone he raped me, does he also know that I was pregnant and miscarried?” I asked quietly.

“Yes he does. It hit him pretty hard too.”

“I just don’t know. He has been such a bully to me and I just don’t want to believe him.”

“I know you don’t, but you need to know that I believe him. He really wants to start over and refresh the friendship.”

“I guess…” I trailed off, still not wanting to believe him.

“I told him if it happened again, I would have him jailed. I know it’s hard to want to forgive him, but as his best friend, I can tell when he’s telling the truth, and when he’s being sincere about it.”

I sighed. “Fine, I guess I can try. Everyone is going through a lot right now, so the added tension between him and myself doesn’t help, right?”

“Right.”

I wanted to talk to Brian alone, but I knew Johnny wouldn’t let me. He had forgiven his best friend, but didn’t trust him enough just yet to leave me alone with him. I followed him back out to the kitchen where Brian still sat. I stood next to him. He didn’t look at me for a moment.

“Feel free to hit me. I know I deserve it,” he said, barely above a whisper.

I wanted to slap him. I wanted to punch him. All around I just wanted to hurt him like he had hurt me.

“I’ll forgive you if we can start over as friends. No more being an asshole to me, no more thinking about what happened between us in the past. A clean slate from here on out. Deal?” I asked.

Brian stood up in front of me, his large frame towering over my average size. He held the sincere look, and I was not intimidated at all. I had never really been to begin with, or at least that I would show. As he stood up, I wondered if he was going to hug me, or whatever else he had in mind. Instead, he held his hand out, offering a handshake.

“Deal,” he added with the offer, along with a smile.

With a roll of my eyes, I batted his hand away before wrapping my arms around his waist in a hug. “Handshakes are for pussies,” I said. “I make deals with hugs.”

With no further response, he wrapped his arms around me as well. I felt small being wrapped up against his built body, but there was something comforting about it. I wondered if my likeness for him would ever return. I was also thinking about Zack as well. It was a dilemma that I’d have to deal with, especially wondering if I would ever grow to like Brian again. Right now I knew it was best to not start a relationship with Zacky, because I didn’t want it to end awkwardly.

“I really am sorry,” Brian said into my hair. “I was such an idiot to treat you like I did.”

“Yes, yes you were,” I said as I pulled away from him, meeting his eyes.

“I’ll make it up to you somehow.”

“It’s not that necessary. Really. I’m just glad we can start over with a clean slate and be friends again.”

“Just let me make it up to you with a nice dinner or something.”

Johnny looked uneasy at the mentioning of an unofficial date. I could tell that he had forgiven Brian, but still didn’t fully trust him. I couldn’t blame my brother either. As much as I wanted to talk to Brian one-on-one, it made me feel uneasy too. It would be a while before I could fully trust Brian again, but if he kept proving that he could be good to me, it would go by quicker.

“We’ll figure this out later,” Johnny said. “Let’s all go to the bar tonight.”

“You guys go, I’m gonna call Val and maybe take a girl’s day,” I said. “I haven’t seen Leana, nor have I even gotten in touch with her, and I’d like to see how she’s doing.”

Both men shrugged. “You sure?” Johnny asked. “You were never that big a fan of a girl’s day with them.”

“If not, I’ll stay here alone. I need to think.”

“About what?” my brother arched an eyebrow.

“Stuff. Just go, have fun.”

Part of me worried that a drunk Brian would come back later tonight. Another part of me hoped that he would with his newfound clean slate. The last part just hoped that everything would begin to go back to normal with the harsh past being forgotten. They left to go meet the guys, and I just decided to stay alone so I could think. There was a lot on my plate to think about, and I needed to make sure everything was in order before I could make a decision.