Guiding Lights

If the situation were different then what happened would be almost comical.

Before I could even slide off the table to kneel down by Nick’s side, to make sure he was okay, he had already jolted right back up. I expected him to have wide eyes and maybe even be a little shaky – that’s how I looked, I was sure – but his whole… expression was completely unexpected; it was unnerving. He looked a little confused at first, and I didn’t blame him, but then he looked as if he had no emotions whatsoever. I didn’t want to think about it, but he suddenly reminded me of the Old Nick. He reminded me of the guy that didn’t want to understand his feelings or my own. If what Eve had said was true then I knew that I didn’t need this from him right now. I didn’t need him to suddenly go ballistic or, worse – to not even care at all.

This situation wasn’t under different circumstances, though, and it wasn’t funny. This situation confused me and made me nervous, and it even frightened me. And, glancing at Nick, I saw no comfort to come.

His voice, when he did finally speak, was a mixture of emotions for me.

“What?” he whispered, but there was no awe. It was like he was surprised, but there was no happy tone to it. I didn’t expect it, but I wondered what he was feeling. I was dying to know because I didn’t even know what to feel myself. “What did you say?” His head was tilted when he spoke and his lips were parted, but I saw nothing in his eyes that I could recognize.

“Nick,” Eve started slowly, but she practically had to tear her eyes away from my ghostly face to catch a glimpse of him. “Nick, I said –” He stopped her before she could finish, though, raising his hand to silence her so he didn’t have to hear it again. I wanted to speak, but even if I could find my voice I knew I wouldn’t have a clue on what to say.

I started to think that this was suddenly a dream or a nightmare because I knew this couldn’t happen. I remember being told, when I was first thrust into this new world, that a witch could get pregnant when she was at her most powerful. That definitely wasn’t me at this moment at time – at sixteen years old. So why was this happening? What did I do to become so abnormal even in a world where normal doesn’t exactly exist? What did I do wrong? Besides having unprotected sex with Nick and receiving what now had to be false information – well, I did nothing. I had tried to follow the rules and still I end up in the wrong or in danger. I was in a constant state of not knowing what to do and now was the top of the list.

What was I supposed to feel? When you’re a sixteen year old witch that’s newly married and you find out that you’re pregnant when you aren’t’ even supposed to be capable of that yet – what do you do?

“Come on.” I didn’t even recognize Nick’s hoarse and emotionless voice, even jumping a little before I realized it was him that had spoken. He wasn’t looking at me, his gaze being directed towards my lap instead, but I so desperately needed his help. I was only now starting to realize Eve’s words and I was praying that I didn’t have a panic attack.

“Nick, Lonnie –” Eve reached towards us, trying to epak, but Nick shook his head and practically stormed over towards the door. It was my turn to call out to him.

“Nick, where are you going?” My voice was panicked and I practically fell trying to slide off the table because I couldn’t feel my legs. He stayed in his spot by the door, refusing to turn towards me, and I knew whatever was to come would not be good. Even just seeing his fist clenching around the doorknob so tightly that his knuckles turned white made me realize that, within moments, I would become a mess, and it was inevitable. “Nick –” I tried again, but my attention immediately went to Eve.

“Nick, please… wait a second. We have to talk about thi –”

“There’s nothing to talk about!” he interrupted in an almost hostile tone. It made me shrink back and he wasn’t even talking to me.

“Nicholas,” she warned gently, but the importance in her eyes told me that she needed to speak and that she needed him – us – to listen. “Lonnie’s –”

“I heard you,” he barked almost instantly, again refusing to let her speak. “Lonnie, now.” He turned his head then and allowed me to see his face and the way his eyes were fueled with a mixture of things, leaving his jaw clenched, too. The way he commanded me wasn’t a joking matter and I did my best to rush to him on wobbly legs even though I wanted to hear Eve’s words. I needed somebody’s help, but Nick didn’t seem to care for that at all. He didn’t want this situation and I could already understand that, and it hurt.

“We have to talk about this,” she tried again, almost desperately this time, but Nick refused and flung the door open. He hesitated for a moment, still not turning around, but he did speak again with a low and fierce tone.

“We’re not talking about this now.”

And he meant it, too. Because the whole time he led the way to wherever it was we were going, he stayed silent. He didn’t look back at me and he didn’t even make a sound, and I wondered if he was okay. I didn’t ask him, though, because he didn’t seem to care about whether or not I was fine, and that hurt… a lot. Was he not in that room with me when Eve said what she did? Did he not understand? Did he lose some sense when he fainted? I was beginning to feel panicky and I wanted to cry, but I had to hold back both because I recognized where he was taking me. He didn’t even slow his pace down when I started to lag because of all the roots the cold air and even because of the darkness; he didn’t’ even know I was that far behind him.

What was going on?

And now it was pouring down rain. Perfect.

[ G L ]

Nick pushed the familiar wooden door open and allowed me in first with no words. Silence settled between us, just like it had for our whole ride here, but now the sound of the swirling wind and the pouring rain was more prominent. I was practically drenched, and so was Nick, but still neither of us complained. His posture though, tall and tight, let me know that he was waiting for me to run my mouth off now, to annoy him just like I had the first weeks we had been thrown into this world together. Except now it was worse; now it hurt because we were married and he didn’t even want to speak to me.

He slammed the door behind us, the room suddenly silent. I could barely hear the constant pattering of the rain slapping against the small window, but it sounded more like thunder as it hit the roof of the small shack we were standing in. It was just like where we started. He was angry, I was upset, and we were stuck here in the rain. When we made the decision to come here it was a happy one, we could get away from everything and just be us like we wanted to at the wedding. But everything suddenly seemed so different now. Three months later and everything seemed dead. We were fine last week - I kept telling myself that, and it was true. We were fine… fine until we heard the news.

I jumped at the sudden sound of the bags dropping to the floor, his anger and frustration visible through his actions. I wasn’t used to seeing Nick like this anymore. He ran a hand through his soaking curls quickly, his chest deflating with a sigh, uplifting again as he sharply inhaled. I hadn’t said one word to him in hours, but I couldn’t take it anymore.

“Are you not going to talk to me?” I breathed out. My eyes settled on his back, his shoulder blades becoming even more prominent through the soaking gray t-shirt that clung to his body. I could see the muscles in his arms bulge as he tried to get a hold of himself, tried to compose himself enough to speak.

“Don’t…” he started in a hard voice, but he didn’t finish, merely trailed off.

“Don’t what, Nick?” I breathed out again, desperate for him to just say something.

“Don’t start with me,” he hissed. He spun around, his eyes hard and narrowed as they danced over my face. His expression seemed just as cold as the air outside, and it made me quiver; he wasn’t like this.

“Don’t start? Don’t start! I’m trying to understand what your issue is, Nick!” I cried out, but I quickly shut my mouth once I saw a sudden burst in his eyes. He wasn’t just angry… he was furious. He was furious with me.

“My issue-” he spat, “My issue is the fact that you couldn’t tell me what you were feeling, Lonnie. You just couldn’t tell me that you felt sick, that you didn’t know what was wrong. You couldn’t let me help you!”

My eyes widened with disbelief and I shook my head, the anger in me only rising. “You’re supposed to know, Nick! You’re supposed to know what I’m feeling!”

“How?!” he spat out loudly, his words echoing. He threw his hands up and I flinched, but he didn’t stop. “How am I supposed to know when you do a damn good job of hiding it? All those times I asked you… you said you were fine-”

“Because I didn’t know!” I cried out. The tears were coming now; tears of hurt and anger, frustration and pain. “I-I didn’t know what was wrong with me. You wouldn’t tell me if it happened to you!”

“Stop blaming everything on me!” he yelled with his eyes like fire. “I can’t take it, Lonnie. I can’t-”

“And you think I can?” I tried to keep myself steady, but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t take this. I couldn’t take the silence, but the arguing was worse. We had been fine, but now it was so completely different. “You’re acting like you hate me…” I quivered, unable to tear my blurring gaze away from him. I swore I saw his eyes soften for a moment, but they returned to their hard state before I could know for sure.

“I can’t believe that you would say that.” His voice was lower, a mixture of anger and sadness, but he kept all of his features stern, shutting me out just like he used to.

“Don’t do this to me, Nick. Please-”

“I didn’t do anything, Lonnie!” he shouted. He was slowly growing to the point where he couldn’t keep it in, and I flinched. “You might as well have lied to me!”

“I never, ever lied to you-”

“Really?” His chest was heaving again, his jaw tight as he spat out the word. “What did you say to me? ‘I’m fine, Nick. I’m okay, Nick. There’s nothing wrong, Nick!’ You’re lying right now if you think what you said was the truth!”

“I didn’t know, okay!” I couldn’t control myself this time. I let my voice crack as I screamed, the tears falling freely while I stared at his guarded expression. “Excuse me for not knowing everything, Nick.”

“Don’t you start with me on that, either. I don’t ever expect so much of you. All I expect is that you’re honest with me when something is bothering you.”

I stared at him for a moment, the silence so loud that it pained me. He was struggling to breathe evenly while I was struggling not to collapse right in front of him.

“So what is this about?” I choked, my voice weak, barely heard. “Is… is this about the fact that I couldn’t tell you I wasn’t feeling right, or is this because I’m p-”

“Don’t,” he warned icily, his eyes blaring with unspoken words. “Don’t say it-” But my voice overlapped him.

“Because I’m pregnant!”

Even though I got the word out, his own screamed over mine in such a way that it made my heart stop.

“Don’t fucking say that!”

He had never spoken to me like that before. He had never used that word. He had never been this angry.

My chest tightened with so much hurt that I didn’t know what I could do with myself. Do I drop and cry like I so badly wanted? Do I stand and let him see how much he hurt me with just that sentence? Am I supposed to be strong? I can’t handle it.

“Y-you must hate me s-so much…”

I watched him swallow, his body almost slouching with what looked like regret, but he didn’t say anything. His eyes softened, but they didn’t show me anything. And his lips moved, but they didn’t say anything, only mouthing ‘I don’t.’

“I-I don’t understand…” It was hard for me to breathe, and my words weren’t coming out clearly, but he heard me. He always heard me.

“This isn’t supposed to happen.” His tone was still so hard even though his words were quieter. He didn’t look at me with any sort of emotion I was used to, but with hidden thoughts instead.

“It is.”

He shook his head, his chest picking up pace with each breath. “No,” he said lowly, dragging out the word as if it would somehow help - somehow make this all go away. It hurt even more than the sympathy Eve had given me with her eyes.

“It is,” I stressed. I knew to keep my mouth shut, but my heart was pounding so loud that I feared it would explode if I didn’t speak, if I couldn’t get Nick to understand.

His eyes flashed with that hurtful anger again and I cringed, digging my short nails into my skin to ready myself for him to burst again, to saying something else that could hurt as much as before.

“It isn’t… supposed to.”

“It is,” I repeated. I tried to swallow all the tears back, but they were stronger than me. “It is, so what are you going to do about it?”

He stayed silent this time, his eyes only burning into me, showing me how his mind was reeling. Yet, he refused to speak all of a sudden.

“What are you going to do, Nick?” I gasped. “Are you going to hate me now? I wasn’t the only one that helped in doing-”

“Just-just stop.” I was shocked to hear how desperate his voice was, his eyes suddenly pleading with me. He didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t want to, but he would.

“So I guess you were hoping that I made myself pregnant?”

“Lonnie,” he warned, but I pressed on.

“I’m sixteen. I’m sixteen and… and…” I couldn’t say anything else; I didn’t know what else to say. I took a shaky step forward, my legs wobbling underneath me, ready to give out. Nick stayed put, his knuckles turning white from his clenching. “What are you going to do? Are you going to leave?”

That wasn’t possible. Nick couldn’t leave me. We loved each other, we were soul mates and we were married. But now all of a sudden he had so much hatred - that was the only thing I could think of it as. Now, all of a sudden, he didn’t want me. He didn’t want our baby.

“You don’t-” I had to stop so I wouldn’t choke on my words. “You don’t… want me?” He stayed silent in front of me, like a statue – no emotion anymore. “You don’t want the baby?” He twitched. I swore I saw him twitch. “You don’t want our baby?”

“We aren’t ready for - we aren’t supposed to have a -”

“You can’t even say it,” I cried, but the tears and gasps were mixed with a dry laugh, trying to mask everything I was feeling like Nick could. It was impossible for me.

“You don’t understand, Lonnie. This isn’t a game. This is real, and it’s happening to us when it’s not supposed to.”

“Do you think I wanted this to happen?” My voice was raised now, my head spinning, forcing me to take another step forward. “Do you think I planned this out? That I wanted to have a baby at sixteen-”

“Damn it, Lonnie!” he shouted over me again; I flinched. “You’re sixteen,” he repeated as if I hadn’t been saying it the whole time, “and I’m eighteen. You can’t tell me that we’re ready for that. I’m not ready for this!”

“You weren’t ready to get married either, Nick,” I breathed suddenly. There was a sudden surge of hope in me. It didn’t even die when I looked into his blank eyes. “But you did after… after you got used to the idea. And you were happy.”

He breathed in slowly, letting it out between his parted lips silently. I wanted so badly to reach out for him, to grab his comfort because I needed it the most. I couldn’t go this alone. I was pregnant at sixteen, and from what Eve had said things would only get worse. I would get weak. I wouldn’t know what would happen.

“You can’t expect me to be happy when I know you’ll be hurting,” he breathed out so lowly that it was hard to tell if he even spoke. I could hear the pain in his voice now, the fear that something would happen to me and that he would be alone. I had felt the exact same way; I could relate, but he wouldn’t let me.

“I can take it-”

“But what if you can’t?” he spat, ready to pull himself back into his shell, into his hiding. I tried to show him how desperate I was, but his eyes kept darting around, only settling on mine for a few seconds at a time. “No one knows what this could do to you.”

“Can’t you please say it, Nick? Please just say it once. Say our baby.”

“I won’t,” he hissed, furious yet again.

“How could you hate something that’s part of you?”

“I never said I hated it!” he yelled. His voice cracked again, the volume being too much to handle with his ever-changing emotions. I stared at him with wide, teary eyes, wishing that he would just settle down enough to be sensible. “But how could you want something that could kill you!”

“It can’t!” I didn’t know that for sure.

“It’s going to suck your magic right out of you.” His tone was grave, his stance eerily calm. But I could see in his eyes that he was ready to burst, ready to kick and scream and let everything that he would usually work so hard to keep in come out. “Why didn’t you just let Lucas win, then?”

“This is nothing like that. How dare you even say that!”

“It’s true, isn’t it?” he snapped. “You’re so lost and confused, Lonnie. I don’t know what to do anymore-”

“How about you just love me, Nick?” My words were breathy and uneven, but I couldn’t resist. The way he looked at me suddenly, all the sharpness and anger seeming to float away for just one instant to show how feeble he really was in this situation, made me wonder how much we could really fight. How much could we take? “How about you just be Nick and I’ll just be Lonnie, and we can just be happy for once… for more than three months at a time.”

“You just don’t understand how this is making me feel,” he breathed out; his voice was now laced with a desperate need to reach out to me, but he didn’t move, only allowing his eyes to dance over my features, over all of me before landing back on the ground. The rain seemed to get louder as the silence grew, a low rumbling of distant thunder making me shake inside.

“Then why don’t you tell me…” I had to pause to catch my breath because it had escaped me for much longer than I thought. “Nick,” I murmured, “please. Please just…”

“I can’t forget about this,” he growled. His eyes darted up to mine, his eyebrows furrowing while his lips parted. It was almost like he read my mind.

“You don’t have to, but can’t you just let it be? Why is it such a big deal-”

“I don’t want a baby, Lonnie!” I jumped with wide eyes as he screamed at me, tears suddenly sparkling in his now-emotional chocolate orbs. “I-I’m eighteen…” His voice lingered in the air, the soft whine at the end of it doing nothing to calm me. “I’m not ready to-to be… that.”

Part of me wanted to be angry at him for thinking that. He was eighteen, but I was sixteen. I was sixteen and I was carrying ours - his - baby. It didn’t matter if it… or she, was a witch like me; it didn’t matter if she’d suck away my powers when I wasn’t ready to give any away yet so she could have them later on like I did. It didn’t matter because she was part of me and she was part of Nick, but he didn’t seem to want her. Did he even want me anymore?

But part of me wanted to understand. I was scared, but so was he. He couldn’t understand why this was happening. He had already grown up so fast, thrust into a world he had no clue about at such a young age. He had to fight on his own until he found me. Didn’t he know that I would fight with him? That I had been fighting with and for him, and that I always would? Didn’t he want to fight with me now?

And then there was a part of me that heard his words, and they broke me. I don’t want a baby, Lonnie!

I know he could see how I felt by the way his eyes darted frantically across my face. He could feel how I felt, but he made no move to comfort me. He couldn’t even comfort himself. We couldn’t help each other right now because we were too busy fighting, too busy trying to figure out what the other wanted.

“I… can’t handle that - this.”

I swallowed the lump - all the emotions - and I glanced up at him. “How can you handle fighting… looking for things you don’t even know of? How can you handle almost getting killed? How can you do that and not be able to handle us?”

“I can handle us just fine,” he growled again. His emotions were everywhere just like mine, but I felt so horrible for him. He could feel what I was feeling, but I could see what he was feeling, and he didn’t know what to think or do. He was lost.

“You can’t handle what’s happening to us, though.” I wanted to be gentle with him; I reached out, but he wouldn’t have it. He jerked back away from me like I disgusted him, and I could feel a pain in my chest like no other, wanting to eat me alive. He wanted to be angry. He wanted to hide after he said he wouldn’t anymore. “How come you just can’t handle me being p-”

“Lonnie, stay back,” he finally managed. His voice sounded like it hadn’t been used in ages, cracked and raspy. I was frozen in my spot now, immediately obeying his command. I couldn’t believe it, though. He was so angry that he was shaking, unable to control himself any longer.

“You wouldn’t hurt me…” I tried weakly, but I didn’t get the response I wanted.

“I don’t know what I could do.”

His words shocked me more than anything. Was he saying that he was giving up? Leaving because he just couldn’t handle this? I wanted so badly to think of it as a repeat of when he found out we’d have to get married. He didn’t really like it then. He was shocked and maybe that’s what it was now. But no matter how hard I tried to believe, how much I wanted to know it was true, it wasn’t. It was never this bad and I could see that he really couldn’t take this.

“S-so, so what are you saying?” The wind howled, but the silence was the only thing that stole my focus. It was eating at me, digging me a hole so it could push me in when Nick said the words. “Are you saying you want to leave then?” The words left my mouth with no emotion. I didn’t want him to answer. I tried not to say it, but it had to come out, and now it was his turn. He controlled everything, just like he always did, because he was Nick. He controlled if I ate or slept because, if he wasn’t there, I couldn’t function properly. He controlled when I laughed or cried because he was almost always the source. He controlled my happiness because with him that’s all I ever wanted to be. But he didn’t want to anymore. And if that were true then I didn’t know what I would do.

“Do you want me to leave?” he questioned. His eyes were daring as they bore into mine, but I could easily see the fear. He couldn’t hide from me as well as he used to. I wouldn’t let him slip away.

“Of course I don’t want you to go, Nick.” I wanted to tell him how stupid he was being, that we could work this out. But was it really that simple? It wasn’t like our other fights, the ones we had about him trying to escape being my soul mate or the ones about making love for the first time. This was about a baby – our baby, the one I was pregnant with. He couldn’t try to escape from that; I didn’t want him to. I just wanted him to hold me and tell me it’d be okay, but even if he did it wouldn’t mean anything because he didn’t believe it himself.

I waited for him to say something as he stared at me, but no words ever came. He didn’t open his mouth or so much as move, not even jumping like me when the thunder roared a little louder. It seemed like hours before he slowly turned his head away from me, each second ticking by making everything in me ache a little more inside. I stood rooted in my spot, unable to calm my heartbeat, not even trying. I watched him instead. I watched him bend over and grab his bag, and I suddenly felt panic rush through me. What was he doing? Was he leaving? Did he not understand me?

I held my breath, shutting my eyes tight when I heard him unzip the bag. He wasn’t leaving. Even if he wanted to I knew he wouldn’t; or maybe he would - the storm wouldn’t stop him. Nothing would stop Nick. He was invincible.

Or that’s what I wanted to keep thinking, because I knew I wasn’t.

When I opened my eyes he was no longer standing in front of me, his bag now taking his place. The dim light that flickered from the kitchen seemed as if it were about to go out, leaving me submerged in darkness with only the flickering of the lightening flashing every so often. I could hear him fumbling around in the tiny bathroom that was hidden by a wall, and I could see part of the door as he left it cracked. It gave me a sense of relief, but only because I knew that he’d be here. At the same time, though, his words shook me.

I stepped forward and all I could feel was the sudden aching of my muscles, like I had been standing for too long when it had really only been a matter of minutes. I was tense and shaken but the only thing that could make it better, the only person, wouldn’t.

I ignored his bag and went for my own, unzipping it as slowly as I could, but it only created a loud noise that made my lip quiver. Nick had screamed at me. He screamed and he hated…

I let out a loud sob then, unable to stop my knees from buckling, and I fell to the floor. I lied on my stomach and I cried, curling my knees up to my chest while I shifted to my side. I couldn’t stop the tears or the gasps. I couldn’t stop the pain and confusion and hurt. I couldn’t control anything; focus on anything to make it better. What kind of Great Witch was I? I couldn’t even take in the simple fact that I was pregnant. Or maybe I could handle the fact that Nick didn’t want the baby. He didn’t want this.

My eyes were shut as tight as I could get them, but the tears still managed to fall, sliding down my cheeks. My body shook with sobs and ragged breaths. I couldn’t even mange to hold onto myself as I cried, sprawling out and then back together in a ball several times because I just didn’t know what to do. I was so lost; I didn’t know what to think.

I was sixteen; the Great Witch, married. I was sixteen; I was going to have a baby. I was going to have a baby and Nick didn’t want this. He was giving up. It was game over. And I just didn’t know what to do.

I heard him come out of the bathroom, his slow footsteps making me sob even harder. I was a wreck - an unfixable damage. What good was I outside of fighting off dark magic? And then I wasn’t even good at that.

“Lonnie…” he said softly over my cries, hesitant.

“We’re t-taking s-so many steps back, N-Nick!’ I cried out, refusing to open my eyes to look at him, only curling myself up tighter. “We’re not getting a-ahead!”

“Lonnie, stop, please.” My eyes fluttered open for a moment, settling on his body in a blur. I watched him bend down slowly, his eyes searching me before I shut them again. “I would fix this if I could…”

“Fix what? You don’t w-want this, me.”

“Lonnie, I love you,” he said clearly, earnestly. I hadn’t heard that tone in a while and it gave me that little piece of hope, but it was still so lost in everything. “I love you and that won’t ever change, but I… I can’t pretend that I’m ready for this.”

I opened my eyes slowly, trying to calm my breaths enough to speak. His face looked pained. He could feel everything I was feeling, plus everything he was feeling. It was such a load to carry, but I still felt like I expected him to just understand.

“No,” I choked. “Don’t you mean that you can’t pretend to be willing to accept this? To accept that there’s a b-”

“I can’t pretend,” he interrupted sternly, biting down on his lip to stop it from quivering like mine was. He wouldn’t even let me say the word. He wouldn’t even acknowledge it. “I-I won’t. I won’t do that to you.”

“But I want you to, Nick! I want you to pretend to want this! I need you to pretend… I-I need you…” I broke out into a cry again, slapping my hands over my face because I didn’t know what else to do. “What else am I supposed to do?!” I shouted, my voice blending in with the crackling thunder. I could hear my own cries and it only made it worse. “What do you want from me? What am I supposed to do, Nick? Please…”

His eyes just stayed staring at me, glancing over my face in a slow sweep before looking down at his hands as he kneeled in front of my crumpled body. I could see something in them, something even he was unsure of, and it scared me.

“I-I won’t… I won’t get rid of the baby, you know,” I breathed, sliding my hands down my face. The tears still fell, but I was able to control myself for a minute, only having my chest ache as he continued to gaze intensely at me.

“I didn’t ask you to” he whispered in return, but remorse flashed through his eyes and I knew that maybe he had been thinking it.

“How could you?”

“How could I what, Lonnie?” he breathed tiredly, his shoulders slumping. He didn’t want to argue anymore, and neither did I, but I had a feeling it was for different reasons. I opened my mouth to speak, but the words wouldn’t come. I was exhausted and, truthfully, I felt sick again. Nick wanted me to tell him, but did he even care now? Now that we knew why I wasn’t feeling right? “I’m tired of fighting.”

“Me too,” I whispered. It created no comfort between us, however. He just stood himself up and offered me his hand, the emotions in his eyes being gone once again.

I took his hand slowly and allowed him to pull my shaking body up, the need to breathe coming back at me faster than I could manage. He helped me over to the bed because he knew I wouldn’t be able to walk on my own. He always knew.

He lifted me onto the bed with ease, the cool fabric underneath soothing me only momentarily before I realized that I was cold. I didn’t want to be in this bed alone, either. Especially since we had been together here first. Would he climb in next to me? Would he sleep on the floor?

“You know, it’d be easier if you got under the covers,” he mumbled as he gripped the fabric, glancing up to see my unmoving body. I gulped.

“Nick?” I questioned slowly, shifting myself so he could pull them out from underneath me. The sheet was cool too, but with my wet clothes clinging to my body it didn’t really make a difference. His hand brushed over the leg of my pants and he suddenly seemed to remember; I could see a flash of apology in his eyes through the darkness. He had forgotten that I was just as wet as he was, and that he was guilty for no trying to take care of me.

“Do you think you can make it to the bathroom to change?” he asked quickly, ready to pick me up before I could even answer; he knew I couldn’t.

“Nick,” I breathed again, but he seemed to ignore it, continuing to wrap his arms around me. I just so badly wanted to shrink into his grasp, to have him protect me from everything, to have him just hold me.

“Can you change by yourself?” he asked as he lifted me.

“Nick, please.”

He shut his eyes tight for a moment and let out a deep sigh, his warm breath washing over my face. I wanted to cling to him but he was already setting me back down on the bed, leaving me cold and useless again.

“What?” he said lowly, his voice more flat than questioning.

“C-can I ask you something?”

It was silent for a moment, but then his voice sounded, almost washing out with the noises of outside. “You will even if I say no.” How many times had he said that to me before? I sighed and continued though, ignoring him.

“Do you wish we never got married?”

The words hung in the thick silence, dangling in the air with his many emotions and unspoken words.

“I don’t wish that, Lonnie. You know how much I love you.” There was that hope again, just begging to wash over me - over us.

I nodded slowly and allowed him to pick me up again, shakily wrapping my arms around his neck. It felt like I hadn’t been this close to him in ages, but it was only just about a week. We hadn’t talked much since Eve had told us, our argument tonight being the most we had spoken since before then. He hadn’t touched me much, either, and I could tell that he wasn’t sure about it now.

He stopped for a moment to grab my bag, pulling it up with ease before heading back into the bathroom with me. It was a tiny area, but there was enough counter to set me on, and he did just that. He plopped the bag onto my lap and began to rummage through it, pulling out a pair of my pajama pants and an oversized t-shirt. He kept his face stony as he pulled out my underclothes too, but his eyes darted up to mine with question, wondering if I could get dressed by myself.

“I don’t need those,” I said in a croaky voice, looking down into the bag so I could escape his gaze.

“You’ll catch a cold.”

“Like you care,” I mumbled before I could process my actions. He dropped the items back into the bag, only leaving the pants and shirt on my lap, and flung the bag onto the floor. His hand gripped my chin rather roughly and he forced me to look at him.

“Don’t say that. You don’t even think that. I meant everything I said when we got married. Each time I said I’d protect you, that I loved you, that I’d do anything for you… I meant it.”

“But you hurt me. You hurt me and you said… I don’t even know.” I let out a shaky breath and shut my eyes again, drowning in the feeling of his fingertips on my skin. It was almost like he was frozen there, unable to let his hand drop from my face.

“I never meant to hurt you,” he breathed out. The sound was so different than his other words, not as icy, more comforting. I could feel his rough fingertips begin to move over my face in a soothing manner, wiping away the tears that were falling without notice. “That’s the last thing I wanted to do.”

“But why is it so horrible for you?”

His movements stopped and I instantly regretted speaking. I opened my eyes slowly and searched out his this time, begging for him to just tell me why he hated this so much.

“I don’t know,” he answered, and he really didn’t.

He reached for the damp shirt that was stuck to my body and slowly began to peel it off, not stopping when I shivered. He threw it to the ground of the small area and reached for my jeans, tapping my thigh to silently tell me to lift. I set my hands on the counter and used all the arm strength I could muster at the moment to lift, but he got them pulled down without much effort anyway. I would have normally started blushing, but his eyes didn’t seem to even notice my almost fully naked body. I held myself as I shivered, watching him to see if he would even look at me, but he didn’t. It was almost as if he couldn’t stand looking at me now.

He pulled the dry shirt over my head, gently gripping my arms and pulling them through the large holes like I was incapable; but I was thankful. He followed with the pants, his arms almost wrapping around me as he pulled them up to my waist and held the large shirt up over my stomach. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from him and he couldn’t even look at me.

Perfect.

He allowed the shirt to slide down before he peered at me again. He shifted and placed his palms on the edge of the counter, curling his fingers over the surface, slowly leaning himself forward. He stared right at me, right into me, with a solemn expression, almost as if he were trying to look past me and into the small mirror behind me. I chewed on my lip nervously, my hands twitching at my sides while I ached to say something to break the silence.

“No matter what – what you say or what you think… no matter how unready you are,” I whispered raggedly, slowly gripping his hand and pulling it up, guiding it underneath the shirt to rest against my flat stomach, “this will be us, Nick. This is us, and you can’t run from it.”

He didn’t jerk his hand away like I half expected, his fingers only twitching against my skin, burning into me. I could revel in the feeling, but he pulled back too soon, slowly dropping his hand to his side.

He didn’t speak when he helped me down off the counter, allowing me to stand on my own now. I waited for a moment before I realized that he was going to follow me out, instead staying to grab my wet shirt and pants and my bag. I left slowly and made my way towards the bed in the dark, the only light guiding me now coming from the bathroom. Then that light suddenly went out and I couldn’t help but think how things couldn’t get worse instead of when they would get better.

I stood in the darkness for a moment, feeling as though a monster would jump out and eat me. Or maybe a giant spider. Or maybe myself. Maybe I was the biggest issue here. Maybe if I just kept my mouth shut then everything could be okay; but it wasn’t that simple. Nick didn’t want the baby. That’s all that kept repeating in my mind. I didn’t know why it shocked me so much, but then I also didn’t know why it didn’t shock me more. I was stuck in the middle, not quite sure which way to go.

“You should get some sleep,” he whispered suddenly, making me jump. He was right behind me now and I could see part of his face with the light of my glow as I spun around.

“Why?” I just wanted to keep him talking. I didn’t want us to go without resolving the issue.

“You’re tired,” he stated, his eyes lingering on me before he turned to the side to set the bags down.

“How do you know?” I blurted out, blushing at my stupidity. He heaved a sigh, letting me know that he obviously knew because he could feel it; I was exhausted.

“Just go to sleep.” His voice wasn’t harsh like I expected and he kept surprising me with his changing moods. It was soft though, almost caring.

With slumped shoulders I carried myself towards the bed, eying it for what seemed like hours before I actually crawled on. I was so tired from everything - from the trek over here, from fighting, from being pregnant. I just wanted to curl up to Nick, but that was too much to ask. I couldn’t ask him because I was afraid that he’d refuse. I didn’t want to face that kind of rejection.

I slid myself under the covers that he had pulled back earlier and shut my eyes tight, using everything I had to focus on one thing. I could hear his footsteps and I could only focus harder, holding my breath as he slid onto the bed with a sigh.

“Lonnie, what are you doing?” he breathed. He knew what I was doing. He always knew.

And I knew something, too. He didn’t want to even be next to me. He didn’t want to hold me. He wasn’t going to. I couldn’t handle this.

I let my focus drift away and stood up instead, ignoring Nick as he willed himself to sit. I could feel his eyes burning into the back of my head as I slowly crept across the dark room. I could feel everything and nothing at the same time, and it only made the tears come faster. I bent down next to the back of the kitchen counters and curled into a ball, pressing my knees against the hard surface, and I cried. I tried so hard not to let him see my body shake with the silent sobs I couldn’t hold in. I hoped more than anything that maybe he didn’t know I was crying, but I knew he did. He could feel it, but he chose to do nothing about it.

He did nothing.

I didn’t know when I fell asleep, or even how long I was out for, but when my eyes shot open - burning with unfinished tears - the room was still dark, and I was still hurt. There was a sudden uneasiness to me, pushing through my body to bring everything I didn’t really have to eat out somehow.

I got up with a jerk as the tears flowed again, my head pounding and my throat numb from all the yelling. It only took me a second to get to the bathroom that I had practically fallen asleep next to, but half of that second was spent on staring at Nick. His eyes were wide and his lips pursed as he stared at me, but I was gone before he could say a word. I dropped to my knees in front of the toilet and cringed when my body constricted, nothing coming out but gags and sobs. I was such a mess. My body tensed again, my head jerking forward as the tangled mess I called my hair dangled around me. Still nothing. But when I jerked forward again, my throat burning as something managed to come up, I could see through my blurry peripheral vision two legs.

The sound of myself practically puking up nothing created a sickening comfort in the very back of my head. There was no silence, but there was no screaming, either. And then he spoke.

“Lonnie,” he cracked out warily. And it killed me because of how pained he sounded.

“Don’t,” I shot out hoarsely, but I was quickly silenced when my body pushed forward again. “D-don’t. I can take care of myself. I don’t need you to pretend to care.”

“Is that what you think?” he said lowly, his voice a whisper, almost holding disbelief. I turned to face him with a shaky breath and slumped back against the wall. My eyes roamed over his features, his eyes hard again as he stared right back.

“I can’t understand why you hate this baby so much…”

“I told you, that’s not what this was about.” I knew that had to be part of it though, no matter what he said. He didn’t want this type of change.

“But you never told me what it was. Why are you so upset over this?” I was begging him now, pleading for him to just tell me so I could fix it, but he only shook his head and stood up straighter. “Am I that horrible? You don’t even want to be next to me! You can’t stand that now either?”

“Please, Lonnie. Cut out the drama,” he growled out, but there was a certain whine in his voice that he couldn’t hide, and it made me cry again.

“It’s not drama if you husband doesn’t even want to be in the same bed as you!”

I shouldn’t have shouted. I didn’t want him to yell again, to say the hurtful things he had. I knew he didn’t mean to hurt me, but I couldn’t stop thinking about how he had. The pain in my chest only returned, ready to tug at my heart until it finally ripped - until he finally left.

“You-you want to leave, don’t you? You want to get away from me now… you never wanted this. You never-”

“I said don’t start with me!” he yelled again, his anger suddenly returning. He turned in a swift movement and stomped out of the small bathroom, every muscle on him tight. I could see his fists were clenched as I scrambled to my feet and weakly followed, his knuckles ghostly white, and his cheeks were burning with anger. “I hate it when you do this. I hate how you always doubt the way I feel! Can’t you get over yourself for one minute to just understand me?”

My mouth dropped open with a cry and a gasp mixed as one, making me choke. “I wouldn’t have to if you didn’t make me feel like I’m worthless to you right now! And why don’t you get over yourself, Nick? Why don’t you tell me in a damn clear way what you want me to understand!”

I found myself forgetting all of the aches my body was enduring as it stomped over to Nick. He was easily several inches taller than me, but I couldn’t stop myself from getting right in his face.

“You think that you can get away from this, but you can’t!”

“I never said I wanted to get away!” he said through gritted teeth, trying his best not to explode right in my face.

“You didn’t? You don’t, huh Nick?” I yelled, slamming my fist into his chest. He flinched but kept his stance, not backing away from me. “You don’t want to run away from this? From me?” I slammed my fist against his chest again, my eyes taking in the way his jaw tightened. “You’re going to be a man and put up with the fact that your wife is pregnant?” I yelled again, slamming my fist as hard as I could against his chest one more time. “That you’re sixteen year old wife is pregnant with the baby you can’t stand to think about!” He stumbled back then, the anger so completely visible on him that I almost froze.

“You wanna’ push me, Lonnie? Is that what you’re doing?” he took a sudden step forward and grabbed my wrists tightly, but he was still careful not to hurt me even though I could see how ready he was to break. I didn’t know what he would do if he reached that point; would he cry? Yell? I stared at him, trying so hard to push all the tears away so he could see that I was just as angry as him, that I was so broken. “You wanna’ see how far you can push me? Don’t give me that look. Don’t pin this on me!”

“Who do I pin it on, Nick? Who do you want me to pin it on?” He didn’t answer. “You don’t want to deal with this? You think I do? How could you be that selfish?”

He let me go abruptly, his chest heaving so madly that I swore I could see his heart trying to rip through. My mouth was wide as I watched him storm over to the kitchen, his hands flying up like a madman. Everything that was in sight was now on the floor, flying in a series of crashes and loud noises. And he screamed. He screamed loud and long, the sound so guttural and pained, but so heavy and frustrated at the same time. He screamed and he clenched his fists together, glancing around to find something else he could break instead of all the things he had already broken.

“Nick-”

“Don’t fucking talk to me right now!” he screamed again, and that was it. I was crying again, louder than before, the feeling of being unable to breathe crashing down on me breaking me into a million pieces like everything that surrounded Nick’s feet. This wasn’t Nick.

“Don’t, please-” I whaled feebly, and he seemed to hear him. His body froze and his eyes darted to me, filling with so much emotion, but he wouldn’t allow it to escape.

“Don’t what? Dammit!” I watched him throw his hand out to the wall, his rage getting the best of him as a heavy sound washed through the air, louder than the thunder. He pulled his arm out without even a flinch, the hole seeming so black and empty. “You don’t understand-”

“Tell me!”

It was like a screaming match and I was so afraid. I was so afraid but I couldn’t stop myself, and Nick wouldn’t stop himself, either. I wouldn’t let it go because I wanted him to stay, and he wouldn’t let it go because he didn’t want this.

“I don’t want a baby! Isn’t that clear enough for you!?” he snapped again, still unable to gain composure after his sudden rage.

“Then leave! Run away from it all, from me and this! You don’t want it? Go!” I couldn’t stop my mouth from saying the words I never thought I’d say. I tried to tell myself that Nick didn’t hear me, that he wouldn’t leave, but the silence said otherwise.

He stopped his shaking, his heavy breathing, and his rage. He stopped completely and just looked at me, stared at me like I was alien to him, like he had never seen me before in his life. His bottom lip trembled, jutting out as he opened his mouth, only to snap it tight within a second. His eyes went from heavy to glazed, and then to black in a swift motion, and before I knew it he was right by my side. He wasn’t touching me, though. He wasn’t looking at me, trying to apologize, trying to get me to apologize. He was bending down instead, grabbing his bag, but this time I knew he wasn’t getting a change of clothes. This time he zipped it with a jerk and flung it over his shoulder, his eyes burning into me.

Why couldn’t I have stopped after I got into the bed? After Nick dressed me? Why couldn’t I just let him sleep on it and hope that he’d be different in the morning, that maybe we could work it out?

“Ni-Nick-”

“You want me to leave?” he breathed heavily, an array of emotions dripping from each word. I opened my mouth, but he didn’t give me a chance to speak. “I’m gone.”

“No! N-no, please. Please, Nick! Nick, I didn’t mean it!” I cried out, leaning towards him, but he jerked out of my way. “Nick, I don’t want you to leave, please? Please. I love you. I need you!”

He almost hesitated as he stepped towards the door, his hand on the knob. I could almost see him ready to turn around and drop his bag, and tell me that he just needed to cool off.

“We need ti-me,” he cracked, but that was it. The door opened in a swift movement, allowing all the noise from the outside to fill my ears, but then the door slammed and everything was gone again: the thunder, the rain; the anger, Nick’s rage. And, worst of all, Nick was gone.

Nick was gone and I was alone, broken and shocked and scared. I was alone to cry and to listen to the thunder roar, and to my heart as it thumped sluggishly against my chest. I was alone, alone with our baby - the one he didn’t want.

I found my eyes darting around then, landing on all the shattered things on the floor, on the dark hole in the wall, on the door he waked out of. I saw everything. I felt everything, and I laughed. I laughed without control, my eyes shut as my body shook with such a dark humor that I thought maybe I had truly lost it, that I had cracked under all the pressure. I laughed because Nick was gone, and because I hoped to god that he would come back any moment with his own musical laugh ringing, telling me it was all okay.

I slumped down and fell onto my bottom, keeping my eyes tight while the tears fell again. My body shook, but instead of the breathy laughter it was with silent sobs; I wanted to hear that door squeak open, his footsteps entering again with his voice ringing. I wanted him to come back and I swore over and over again that he would… but he didn’t. He didn’t come back after five minutes, after ten minutes. He didn’t come back after an hour, or after two. And I stayed on the floor, curled up by myself, crying because I didn’t know what to do. I was crying because I was lost and scared, and because Nick wasn’t on my side anymore.

And I cried because I had laughed, because I was slowly losing it. Because I was nothing.

I found myself not knowing what to do, unable to move around through the small space because he wasn’t here anymore. What was I supposed to do? There were things all over the floor, his things in the dresser, my things in the corner. I caught sight of the bed and almost instantly began crying hysterically again. I couldn’t stay here. I had to leave. I didn’t’ even know what time it was, but it was still so dark outside, the rain still pouring. He left me here…

Would he come back? Should I wait for him here? I had been waiting hours and he still never came. I had a feeling it’d be light soon but I couldn’t wait any longer. A breathy sob feel from my lips when my eyes started to water again and I reached for my bag. Why did everything have to smell like him? I threw the bag to the floor with as much force as I could and screamed again, my knees buckling. I held myself up this time though, struggling to keep my balance before I stormed out the door, just as he had hours before. I contemplated for a moment whether or not I should look for him, but the rain had me drenched already and I had only been standing in it for mere seconds. Without looking back I started forward, deeper into the dark forest. I couldn’t hear if anything was around, like a crazed animal or maybe a crazed person because the rain was so loud when it mixed with the thunder. I couldn’t even hear my clumsy footsteps as I sloshed through the leaves and puddles frantically, tripping several times only to catch myself with my palms and knees, ripping my pajama bottoms and scraping my skin. I could barely even see straight through the rain and tears, but I kept going. I couldn’t stop.

I was freezing, shivering as my thin clothes clung to my body. I wanted so badly just to fall down and curl back up into my ball, to cry and scream where no one could hear me. I kept moving though. I kept moving because I didn’t know what else to do.

It felt like I had been walking for hours, my teeth chattering constantly, but the sun was finally out to sop the rain. I had fallen once, right on my butt, but I got right up and started walking again. No matter what, Nick had taught me to be strong, and I wouldn’t be weak just because he was gone. I couldn’t now…

I glanced down to my stomach which was now visible through the soaking shirt, but I saw nothing. There was nothing there yet, and somehow it hurt worse to know that Nick hated it so much already. Would he feel the same if it was a regular baby? Or if he would be able to phase? How did we know it wasn’t a boy and that I would end up being fine? Eve said she’d know by the color of my glow, if it wasn’t a bright gold anymore. But how was she supposed to determine if my magic was going to the baby by my glow if Nick wasn’t around?

I was hopeless.

I was empty.

I could see my house through the trees and I was shocked that I had remembered the way. Pushing through the thick branches weakly I managed to get by, only slipping once. I was feeling too many things at once; I was shaken and confused, and cold and exhausted. I didn’t know if I had any tears left in me, but it felt as if they had to come.

The door swung open as soon as I stumbled up the steps, Eve’s worried and confused face the first thing I saw. I was confused at first but then I realized that she must’ve come to find us or tell my dad; things couldn’t be worse. She opened her mouth but quickly shut it when she saw my lip trembling. She didn’t even have a chance to call for my dad before he appeared with his eyes wide from behind his glasses.

“Lonnie. Lonnie, baby, what’s the matter?” he breathed out slowly, moving closer. I couldn’t stand it. I pushed myself forward and threw my arms around his neck.

“He left, dad,” I breathed. He held me to him after a moment of shock, not caring that my clothes were sticking to his. “H-he left, daddy! Oh god, he left!” I cried.

“Shh, kiddo. What are you talking about?”

“He-he doesn’t… he left.”

He pulled away from me and held my shoulders loosely, steadying me so I wouldn’t fall. His eyes searched mine, the look in them telling me how sorry he was. It didn’t help. I just… for once I wanted my mom back. I needed her to tell me it’d be okay. But I didn’t have that. I didn’t have her or Nick.

“Come on, Lonnie,” Eve whispered, and there was that sympathy again. I just couldn’t bring myself to tell her how much I hated it. “Let’s get you cleaned up. Maybe we can talk about it…” I quickly shook my head and sniffled, refusing. She stared at me for a moment, a heavy sigh escaping her lips before she helped my father pull me inside.

For once no one knew what to do; not Dad, not Eve, and not even Nick.

He was gone and I was alone.