Spinning Insanity

So I don't think anyone noticed the cuts

My brother didn't show up

My sister was there

But when I told her about wanting my hair dyed, the next day she emailed me a page long thing about how to appreciate what god gave me....yeah no.

I don't want help right now for my issues

But it pisses me off that my mom can notice when other people are depressed and ask them about it but not me.

If she at least showed some concern at some point and never asked again itd be fine

All she has to say is "are you okay?" and I will lie and say yes.

I do not want her knowing and I don't want help right now it would just make me happy that she knows she's doing something wrong when she believes me, when she finds out in three years that she didn't care enough to press on.

I want her to feel hurt, betrayed, and guilty.

Only 3 of the not so good things she makes me feel.

I got placed in AE2 which is a class that they put the kids that they feel have problems in school and at home.

We do projects and weird activities.

Today we got a worksheet and we had to list our favorite things from when we were kids to now.

Then we had to write about what they make us feel,

I almost broke down and cried right there.

I only had one tear fall but no one noticed.

And the teacher is nice and I like her but that's the problem.

I think she cares to much about me.

I have already cried 2 times in front of her when they were trying to change my classes.

Now I know she knows it wasn't that I was just upset that they were changing it.

She knows there's more to why I was sobbing.

I would love to be in honors classes but I don't think I really really want to.

I only made it seem that way because that's what the parents think is best.

When they found out I wasn't in them anymore the shit hit the fan.

They almost went to our family friend/school administrator to get him to change me back.

My mom tell me I'm smart enough to be in those classes

I already know I'm smart enough, but like the counselor said, I don't have honors attitude. (I can't think of the word she used)

I don't turn things in.
Grades are NOT my top priority I only care because that's my ticket outta here.
I could care less for school.

See I'm street smart, creative and imaginative.
I'm too much of those for my own good.

When my mom found out she said it was depressing.

I just want to drop out so bad

But I know better.