So Die Alone

One snap for the dying
One click to end the day
Another story with a mangled scene
It couldn't happen any other way

“There’s so many people.”

I nodded, my hand tightening against Christina’s as we watched Tucson’s citizens line Shannon road. There were literally hundreds of people gathered to mourn and say fairwell to a life that was lost. People were holding homemade signs expressing their support and prayers, and there were even people who were dressed in white sheets, their arms extended above their heads so the sheets cascaded down like the wings of angels.

“I know, it’s nice to know there are so many out there to help support your family,” I said softly, looking down to see a tear fall from her eye.

“I miss them.”

“I know you do, honey,” I pulled her into my arms, giving into the hug both of us needed.

“Why’d he do this? Why? He could have just written a letter if he was upset about something.”

I closed my eyes as they watered, her angry question mirroring my thoughts, “I don’t know, Christina, but I promise I’ll find out.”

You wanna talk about it?
I'm begging you to walk in my shoes any time
Watch the clock 'til you unwind
You wanna cry about it?
It's making me consider that I lost my mind
The way I see you must be blind

I watched as a group of fire fighters raised a large flag that was rescued from the ruble of the World Trade Center after 9/11. It was patched with other flags and was there as a representation of Christina’s birthday. Her life was surrounded by unnecessary tragedies.

The flag became an archway for her parents and brother to walk under as they entered the church, their grief stricken faces lined with tears.

“Chailyn?”

I mumbled a response, more focused on Christina’s funeral mass.

“Do you see that?”

I turn to look at where she was pointing, frowning when I didn’t see anything out of the ordinary, “See what?”

“The light, it’s so bright.”

I swallowed, “I don’t see it. Are you sure there’s a light?”

She nodded, “I feel like I should go to it. I think I can see an angel.”

Pain and sadness filled me, “You should probably go.”

Christina looked up at me, “What about you? Aren’t you coming with me?”

I shook my head as more tears fell from my eyes, “I can’t, it’s not my time. There’s still something I need to do.”

“I’m scared,” her eyes were large, fear evident in them.

“Me, too,” I gave her a hug, my arms reluctant to let her go.

And as I watched her disappear I knew what my unfinished business was.

So this is the world you left behind
This is the guilt that consumes you

So die alone
This is the one thing that I won't do
So say your prayers
'Cause I ain't leaving here without you

I followed Christina’s parents as they walked to a blue tent. Under the tent flowers fluttered in the wind, artfully designed to border the freshly dug grave. John and Roxanna Green held each other, their son close to them, as Christina’s casket was lowered into the ground. I walked to stand beside John and Roxanna, wishing they could know I was there.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, knowing they couldn’t hear me, “I wish things had happened differently. I wish Christina was with you, but I promise he won’t go unpunished. I promise that when he takes his last breath, I will be there and I will make him pay for what he did.”

Can't bribe me with money
Can't shower me with shame
Another killer from a broken home
Until you covered me with manic fame

You wanna know about it?
Well I'ma be fucking with you every time
Story broke and you're behind
And when you ask about it,
You can rest assured I'll give you my best side
Seem we all have friends to find

So this is the hate I've been born to
Full are the tales of the untrue

So die alone
This is the one thing that I won't do
So say your prayers
'Cause I ain't leaving here without you

Everyone had gone home, leaving me here alone. I can’t leave, not when being here made me feel closer to the last person I had been connected to. I’m scared, so afraid that I won’t be able to fulfill my promise. I’m so afraid I won’t cross over, that I’ll be stuck here forever.

But I have to be strong, Christina and all the other people who died with us that day need to know that someone’s here to make him pay beyond what the living can do. It’s my job, my last responsibility, to be here when he dies. To be here to force him to realize just what he did that day, how the consequences of his actions destroyed hundreds of lives.

And I'm waiting
Waiting for the days to slowly pass me by
(And all the promises I'll find)
No hesitating, you pull the trigger now your story's left behind
I know you want to see me fry,
Like my soul, you won't survive

So die alone
This is the one thing that I won't do
So say your prayers
'Cause I ain't leaving here without you

To die unknown
Would crush the fish lens we all see through
To kill the glare
Expose the ugliness we hold true

I sat beside Christina’s grave, leaning back against her head stone. I know he’ll be here, that when he drags in his last breath this is the first place he’ll wake up to. It’s a feeling I have, almost like a sixth sense. So I’ll wait. I’ll wait until he gets here. I don’t care how long it takes.

Because I’ve got all the time in the world.