The Pursuit of Happiness

The first thing my consciousness perceived was the soreness that embraced my body. I moaned in pain, bracing myself up on the elbows and trying to open my eyes, but without any luck – the sleep was too strong and it was the only thing my being craved for. But there was something that kept me from going back to the careless free land full of dreams and possibilities – there was something so very wrong with this morning.

I tried to open my eyes once again, blinking a few times and adjusting my vision to the brightness of the room. “Ugh,” a moan escaped past my dry lips as my head hit the softness of the pillow. So tired.

My mind still swirled with the alcohol and there was this uncommon exhaustion taking over my body that all together made me feel ill. The only thing that made matters better was that the weather was perfect – all sunshiny and warm. Thank God it was still summer.

Small clouds of dust flew across the room, shining brightly in the sunrays that crept inside. My whole being was enveloped by the stillness of the room and the throbbing in my head seemed to reduce. I embraced the covers closer to my form and cuddled deeper into the pillows. My lovely pillows. To come and think of it, I didn’t even remember how I got to my bed last night. The last thing I did remember was …

“Oh my God,” I whispered as realization hit me like a train on the tracks. I jumped up and looked beneath the cover feeling my eyes grow wider – I was naked, completely and utterly naked. “My God,” I whispered once again clutching the blanket tighter to my shivering form and shutting my eyes, letting the images of the last night invade my mind.

Shannon … and Shannon … and Shannon again… Every image that played in my mind was of him. And it wasn’t just him, but me and him – we, us … kissing and his biting … and his hands roaming everywhere. And my hands on his … thing … and him forcing himself inside of me … And the unbearable pain … and me wanting more … and the waves of pleasure racking my body and … sex. We had sex. I had sex. “Oh my God,” I whispered falling down with my face into the pillow. This was not happening – it was all just a trick, a joke. A sick, twisted joke.

What was I thinking? How could I do this to myself? I was a virgin for God’s sake and he … He forced me, yes. That was it! He forced himself on me; I sighed into the pillow.

But no matter how much I wanted to blame this all on him, I did remember that I was just as much at fault as Shannon – I wanted him and I wanted him bad.

I have been having these strange feelings for him for a while now. In fact the whole war thing was getting to me in a way that I had to slap myself from thinking about Shannon in such inappropriate ways. But the way he approached me – the primal look in his eyes, undressing me and making me want to spread my legs for him – I had no other way than the surrender. But no, I was stronger than that! I had lasted till the end. The war was lost and neither one of us had won. We both yielded to the lust.

To be completely honest I did find the man attractive. A woman had to be blind to not see Shannon Leto as one of a kind – his appearance was unique and all about him screamed of confidence and power. Shannon was charismatic and he knew it very well. And of course the way he held me last night and conquered me from behind – I had never imagined for my first time to be so painful and pleasurable together.

He was raw and strong – no signs of mercy or love. There was no need for those emotions seeing as it was just sex. No love, no affection, no nothing – just a simple need for release. And the way he made me come – never ever would I have imagined doing it in such way. I was blown away, completely and utterly stripped of all the pride and dignity, and I was his if only for a while.

I sighed brushing a hand through my messy locks. So what now? Where did last night lead us to? He didn’t sleep in my bed – the only signs of warmth were left from my burning body. Maybe he was downstairs? What would I say to him … Thank you Shannon for the amazing first time? No, I wouldn’t. I had done enough, there was no need for letting my emotions show; it was just sex after all.

There was a silent knock on my door and I braced myself together, expecting the worse to come. “Come in,” I coughed slightly trying to get my voice sounding steady.

Alona came into the view and I released the breath I didn’t know I was holding. She looked too good for the morning after – so fresh and so not-fucked, I found myself envying her.
“Hey,” her soft greeted holding a cup in her hands. “I brought you some tea,” she said sitting down on my bed, handing me the steaming cup. “Thanks,” I answered averting my eyes from her – I couldn’t bring myself to look at my sister.

The silence that enveloped us was almost unbearable. I felt tired, sore and most of all ashamed – I didn’t know whether I regretted last night or not, it was too soon to say. The images of last night that constantly appeared before my eyes didn’t help at all; in fact I felt dirtier and dirtier with every passing image.

“Would you like to have a bath?” Alona’s calm voice asked and I felt like screaming. “I slept with him!” I shouted hanging my head low. I slept with him…
“Who did you sleep with?” Alona asked slightly confused.
“Shannon,” I mumbled feeling the tears form in my eyes. “I slept with Shannon.” The ringing in my ears increased and I felt the headache return. Just great.

“Oh wow,” Alona sighed.
“Yeah,” I mumbled looking up. She was surprised, to say the least, and I didn’t blame her. I couldn’t believe it myself either.

“So your torn clothes in the hallway … You did it here?” She asked and I remembered the way Shannon undressed me by tearing apart my favorite dress which I have bought a day before in the city, when I visited it with Constance. It was actually her idea to buy it. Wouldn’t she be happy to learn that her eldest son torn it in a half while did me from behind? God damn it.

“Yeah … He owes me a dress,” I sighed while Alona chuckled. “Was he good?” I looked anywhere but her curious eyes, trying to avoid the question, “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Oh come on!” She exclaimed while I lay down covering my blushing form. Why was I blushing anyway? It wasn’t something to blush about!
“He was, wasn’t he?” She asked smirking slightly.

“He was rough,” I admitted. “It was my first time.”
Alona’s eyes grew and she covered her mouth with her hand, “you were a virgin before?” I closed my eyes trying to block out the last part. I was a virgin.
“Oh my … did you tell him that?” Alona exclaimed.

“I wasn’t actually thinking about it when he had his dick ripping through my insides,” I snapped feeling a bit annoyed. A feeling of regret washed over me – it was a bad idea telling Alona anything. She wanted to know the details and I wasn’t going to do it just yet. I had to adjust to the idea of being fucked by Shannon in the first place. All I wanted to do was to hide in my bed and sleep until I could wake up from the nightmare that I was in.

“Okay, well, I’ll get your bath ready,” Alona said standing up, “and I need to get ready for work.” She stroked my head, clearing away some of the curls. “Take it slow and don’t be too hard on yourself. Things happen,” and with that she left.

I sighed once the door was shut and closed my eyes. The throbbing in my head had almost ceased, but the soreness still remained. Didn’t he feel that it was my first time? Do men actually feel when they pop the cherry? And how could I look him in the eyes after what happened? My defenses were high, the walls I have built up were too thick to get through, but he did … he had me and I allowed it to happen. I wasn’t that drunk to actually say ‘no’; I could have said no, but I didn’t.

There was no point in regretting what happened. I had to move on and forget about it. It was a one-time thing and there was no chance in hell I would let him ravage me like that ever again.

* * *

“Pass the red lipstick, please?” Alona asked as I was looking at my reflection, trying to apply the mascara on my thick lashes. I passed the lipstick to my sister and continued with the other eye, “thanks.”

“Mhm,” I mumbled in return finishing with my look.
Tonight was Martha’s parting-party – she wanted to travel the world with her new figure and a positive outlook on the world and so we decided to throw her a party. She had an early flight the next day, but we decided that the girl’s night out would totally be worth it. Who knew when we would meet again?

“Are you feeling well?” My sister’s concerned voice brought me back to reality. “Maybe we should do a little girl’s night here, at our place?”
“Nonsense!” I dismissed Alona. Just because I wasn’t feeling to well lately didn’t mean I had to stay in and ruin all the fun. “I’m okay,” I said smiling reassuringly at my sister.

The past two months have flown by in a blur – it was almost the beginning of October, the month of the Season I despised the most. Autumn.

After I woke up and realized I wasn’t a virgin anymore, everything changed gradually. I felt more confident about myself and there was this strange vibe around me – Alona has said that I looked like I was beaming, but I just thought it was because I was a woman now. I could feel it – the confidence, the stares and the compliments I have been receiving were strange at first, but over the time I grew to like them. Finally I felt amazing in my own skin.

What made things even better was that certain someone was on tour across the world and it gave me plenty of space to regain my composure and to build my new dignity. I still kept in touch with Jared and occasionally with Tomo because of Vicki, who stayed behind and who became almost as my best friend in the past two months, but there was nothing from Shannon. I guess it was for the best; he got what he wanted after all.

To come and think of, it I have been spending a lot of time in the company which consisted of girls – I have grown closer to my sister because of that truthful morning, which we agreed to keep to ourselves seeing as Shannon haven’t spoken of it either, and I have also grown closer to Vicki and Martha. Most of the evenings were still occupied by visits to Constance’s and Ruby’s place, because they were like a family to me, but there were no males in my life anymore. Sure, often calls from Jared did even out the lack of the strong gender in my life, but that was not enough. I still missed him and I did miss Tomo – no telephones or emails could replace the presence of them in my life.

And to be completely honest, I did miss Shannon too. I missed his touch, I missed his lips … But I will never, ever admit it. Never!

“Are you ready?” Alona said putting on her leather jacket. “Yeah,” I replied, snapping out of my daydreaming.

* * *

The club was too crowded and the idea of so many bodies together in one place made me feel a little sick. The lack of oxygen, the smoke machines and the laser lights around the place made me want to vomit, but I held it all in – it was Martha’s last night and we haven’t even been here for an hour yet.

“Are you feeling okay?” Vicki shouted in my ear and cringed. It was too hard to communicate because of the loud music, but I understood her – it was the only things she and Alona have been asking me the whole evening after all.
I nodded my head and smiled reassuringly. “Let’s go find a seat,” I shouted taking Vicki’s hand and guiding to the far end of the club.

Martha had this desire to go clubbing and we all decided to go with it. After all it was a nice way to remember the wild times of our teenage years.

I’ve had this phase in my life when I had hit my lawful age of eighteen and was allowed to get into any club and bar I desired. The phase was short, but wild – the drinking, the dancing and meeting with other people. It was fun while it lasted. Now when I looked at younger girls all being fun and careless, I couldn’t help but smile – I was like that once too.

“I don’t even remember when was the last time I have been in such place,” Vicki said sitting down and adjusted her skirt. “Have you ever been in this kind of place,” Alona asked sitting down in front of us, “you strike me more of a bar girl than a club girl, you know?”

I laughed at the statement agreeing with my sister. Vicki did strike me more of a girl that was down to earth – she was simple in her words, actions and in her being, but that was what made her so unique. “Yeah well, a change doesn’t hurt anybody, does it?” Vicki smirked and we laughed.

“Ladies, I brought you some gifts!” Martha’s cheery voice rang as we looked up at the waitress, who had a tray in her hand full of colorful drinks. This will be a long night.

* * *

“Oh God,” Vicki said getting up from her place, “I have to go to the bathroom, come with me?” I nodded getting up with her. I wasn’t feeling too good – the drinks didn’t go down that easily tonight and there was this lump forming in my throat which was getting bigger and bigger with every drink I consumed. It was time to take a break or else I would throw up all the content of my stomach on the table.

Vicki took me by the hand and led to the restrooms. I spotted the guy I have been trying to avoid the whole evening walking out of the Gentlemen’s room and sighed. Damn.

“Hey there,” he greeted as we came closer.
“Hey,” I smiled trying to be polite – he was quite charming with his cute, dimply smile and deep brown eyes, but I wasn’t interested. I didn’t feel the spark. At some point he reminded me of the man I lost my virginity too, but dismissed the thought as fast as it came – I had to get myself together.

“Listen, can I – ” he tried to start a conversation, but went past him without stopping. “I’m sorry, I have to,” I pointed towards the restroom and smiled apologetically.

“That guy is so trying to get your attention the whole night,” Vicki said as she entered the stall and shut the door behind her. I closing the door behind me and took a large amount of paper, cleaning up the seat of the pot. Afterwards I placed small papers on it, so I could sit my butt down. I hated public toilets.

“He’s cute, but I’m not interested.” I admitted finally releasing all the liquor in my system. “Yeah, he is.” Vicki agreed as she did her own business.

“Shit,” Vicki exclaimed, “my periods started. God damn it!”
I laughed finishing my business. “I can’t even remember when was the last time I had periods,” I chuckled pulling down the skirt of my dress.

I opened the door and went straight to the sink. “Good for you,” Vicki said joining me. “I have to be more careful with my periods seeing as I have a men.”
Something in her sentence made me realize that there was something utterly wrong. I stopped washing my hands and looked in my reflection – my big, green eyes shone brightly in the dim lighting, my face was a bit pale and I had dark circles under my eyes, which were covered by the foundation I had on, and all my form screamed of tiredness – I was so tired lately. Nonetheless, there was this aliveness in my eyes, but all in all I looked exhausted.

“The last time I had periods was …” I tried to remember, but my mind was blank. “What month is it?” I suddenly turned to Vicki who chuckled before answering, “September.”
September … September … September … “Oh my God!” I exclaimed feeling my eyes grow wide. “Oh my God!”

This wasn’t happening. This was not happening! “Oh, no-no-no!” I exclaimed bringing my hands to my forehead. “This isn’t happening!” I felt the lump in my throat grow – the nausea was getting worse and my head swirled uncontrollably.

The next thing I knew was my uncontrollable coughing and vomiting the contents of my stomach in the same sink I had washed my hands before. Cold hand was stroking my bare back and there was a soft tugging on my hair. “Sweetie,” Vicki said rubbing my back gently and gathering my curls in her hand. “Calm down, it’s okay. Everything is going to be okay.”

I looked up in her reflection and let the tears form in my eyes. I could not be pregnant! It wasn’t possible, it wasn’t … It simply could not! No!
I let the tears fall from my eyes as I felt another wave of nausea racking my body. I cried letting the content of my stomach out for the second time. Please, make it stop.

“Helena, you’re covered in cold sweat,” Vicki exclaimed as she passed me the paper. How could this happen? How could I have let it pass so easily? Maybe it was just stress … Maybe I was freaking out because of nothing … It was only two months …

“Helena, talk to me!” Vicki exclaimed. I wiped away the tears and my mouth clean before whispering, “I may be pregnant.”

The throbbing music in the background was the only sound that was heard – neither Vicki nor I said anything for a while, letting the words that flew past my lips sink in.

“Are you sure?” Vicki asked, breaking the silence.
“I don’t know,” I replied looking down at my stomach that was covered with the dress – there were no signs of pregnancy. Maybe I wasn’t? Maybe I freaked out because of nothing?

“Have you had sex lately?” Vicki asked and the images from the night filled my mind. “Yes,” I whispered looking in her eyes.
“Did you use protection?” She asked taking my hand in hers.
Did we? I couldn’t bring myself to remember. It all happened in such a blur, it was too hard to keep track on things. “I don’t know,” I replied honestly.

“When did it happen?” Vicki asked with concern written all over her face and I couldn’t help but feel like crying once again. She was so caring.
“On my birthday,” I sighed letting the tears fall.
“On you birthday?” Vicki asked. “With who?”

Was I able to bring myself come clean? I couldn’t tell her, it was too much to bear. Nobody knew, except for me, Alona and Shannon, and I wanted it to stay that way … I shook my head letting small sobs past my lips, “I can’t.”

“Honey, talk to me, please!”
“No,” I whined covering my face with my hands and cried.
“Please,” Vicki whispered in my ear, enveloping my shaking form in a hug.

It was the moment of truth – I had to get it out, I had to let her know or else it would eat me alive. I couldn’t bring myself to lie to her, not to Vicki.
“Shannon,” I whispered as the tears fell from my eyes uncontrollably.
“Shannon?” Vicki asked with surprise covering her voice and I nodded. Shannon.

Vicki didn’t say a thing; instead she just held me and let me cry. Shannon.
I let it all out – the hurt, the pain, the possible events and the regrets. My world came crushing down and there was nothing I could do about it.

The telephone ringing brought me back to reality as I listened to Vicki’s conversation with her fiancée.
“Hey,” she sighed into the phone. “No, everything’s good. We’re at the club.”
I looked at Vicki, pleading with my eyes to not say anything. She nodded and continued to talk with Tomo. Maybe it was nothing; maybe my periods were just late. It happened …

“I love you too,” Vicki said before hanging up. “They were finished with the show and the guys wanted to speak to you. I said that you weren’t near so yeah,” Vicki looked down at her hands.
“Thank you,” was all that I could say.

She sighed before looking back at me, “you need to do a pregnancy test.”
I nodded trying to let it all sink in – I had to do it, there was no other way.
“Do you want to go home?” Vicki asked and I nodded in all honesty. If I was pregnant then I needed to start taking care of myself – there maybe was a new responsibility growing inside of me.

I gathered myself together and tried to smile at my reflection. Vicki opened the door to the restroom and we were met with the blasting music once again.