The Sun Also Sets

Hayden stood with her arms crossed, trying to lightly rub her goose bumps away. She watched with the rest of her class as the roller coaster passed them, going in three consecutive flips. She felt sick.

“Come on, Hayden!” Eric yelled, “We have to get in line!”

“I think I’ll sit out of this one, baby…” she said quietly.

He frowned at her, “It looks so fun though!”

“No, it looks dangerous,” she said.

“Are you sure?” he asked, “I can wait with you.”

She saw in his eyes that he was praying she wouldn’t ask him to, so she smiled instead, “It’s fine, go ahead.”

He kissed her cheek before he climbed in line. The lines were separated into what seat you wanted to sit in, and Eric was at the very front. Their class had gone on a field trip to an amusement park and she wasn’t having fun at all.

It’s not that she got abnormally sick on motion rides, they just scared her. She read all of the horror stories and she had seen Final Destination. She was scared of them, but she didn’t want to stay behind and do class work by herself, so she went on the trip.

“What are you doing?” she heard as someone grabbed her wrist.

“I’m trying to find the exit so I can get out of here,” she told him.

John looked at her strangely, “You waited in the line the whole time just to leave?”

“I thought I might be able to do it,” she said bashfully, “But I’m too scared.”

“You two,” the attendant said, pointing at them, “You getting on?”

“Yep!” John said as he quickly pulled Hayden into the two person cart in the middle.

“No, John. I do not want to do this,” she said firmly.

“Come on, Hayden, you’ll be fine,” he said encouragingly.

The attendant pushed the security shoulder lock on top of her and she instantly attached her hands to the handle bars, “John, I’m so scared.”

“You’re not going to fall out, okay?” he said.

“You don’t know that,” she said urgently.

He held out his hand, “Give me your hand.”

She did so gladly. The person came over the overhead speakers, reading off the rules before counting down to their launch.

“You trust me?” he asked, a smile on his lips.

She looked into his eyes and squeezed his hand tighter, “Always.”

John held the cigarette to the side of his mouth, taking in a long drag before breathing it out slowly. He sat at the park he used to go to when he was growing up. It had a small water park that kids played at. He used to take Grace here and watch her play.

They were really close, especially for how far apart they were in age. He really adored her, and would often much rather spend time with her then his other friends. She was sweet and funny, with the best laugh he had ever heard. She was so shy, and would hide behind his leg whenever she would meet his friends.

She was only comfortable around Hayden. Grace would invite her for sleepovers and Hayden would gladly agree, usually sneaking off to John’s room when Grace fell asleep.

John remembered where he was when he found out Grace had died. He was standing in the bathroom of an unfamiliar house, trying to get away from the noise to listen to his mom’s phone call.

He knew his life had changed from that moment. As he looked back and thought about it, he realized that he didn’t hate Hayden instantly when Grace died. In fact, he reached for her. He ran to her side at the hospital when she was recovering.

But Hayden would just cry, and apologize. He wanted to be consoled and he wanted to mourn his sister, but he couldn’t because he was preoccupied taking care of her. It became too much. He would go from comforting Hayden to comforting his parents. It was overwhelming.

That’s why he started to hate her. He never got the chance to mourn Grace. He was holding onto everything and eventually those feelings of sadness turned into complete disdain for the girl that had caused it.

He knew it was an accident, and that it wasn’t her fault. She had been speeding, but a drunk driver hit them. Grace didn’t have a chance, and Hayden escaped with only cuts and bruises. He loved Hayden, but Grace had such a beautiful life in front of her. It just was not fair.

“John?”

He looked up at the person standing in front of him. He was wearing a loose tank top and basketball shorts. He held a basketball under his arm and had sweat dripping down his forehead.

He stood and held out his hand, “Hey, Caleb.”

Caleb shook it, “Wow, I haven’t seen you in forever.”

“What have you been up to, kid?” John asked as they both sat down.

“Well, I’ve just been finishing up sophomore year… partying, you know,” he said, “Leah told me you were back in town. I heard some of your songs, they’re sick dude.”

“Thanks,” John said, “You and Leah still close?”

“Yeah, definitely,” he said.

They fell into an awkward silence. Caleb Reynolds had short brown hair and blue eyes that matched his sister’s. He was just a little bit shorter than John and carried himself like a man.

“I saw your sister last week,” John said, looking at the ground.

“I’ve been meaning to go see her,” Caleb said, “I haven’t had a ride.”

“She’s at a rehabilitation center downtown. You could probably take the bus or something,” he suggested.

“So does this mean you two are finally… getting better?” he asked.

“Nope,” he said curtly.

“I was thinking about Grace the other day,” he started chuckling, “I remember when she broke her arm when she fell out of a tree. She gave me her hospital bracelet to keep so I could always feel guilty for not catching her.”

“You still have it?”

“Yeah,” he said, sighing.

“Do you miss her a lot, Caleb?” John asked, not expecting for things to get so heavy, “I mean, you were young when it happened.”

He shrugged, “I miss her when I think about it. I just remember I had the biggest crush on her. We were together a lot when we were kids, but I didn’t fully understand it when I was that young, so I didn’t take it as hard.”

“That would have been crazy if you guys ended up together,” John laughed softly.

“Yeah, especially after you and Hayden. It probably would have been kind of weird, actually.”

John nodded his head, “You should go see her.”

“I know,” Caleb said, running a hand through his hair. “My parents are just so adamant about not caring.”

“They don’t have any reason to hate her,” John said.

Caleb sighed, “I should get going. It was nice seeing you.”

They shook hands again before Caleb left. John never really understood why the people that knew Hayden took on the grudge that he had held as well. Hayden didn’t murder Grace, but after she died Hayden changed.

She became closed off. She didn’t smile like she used to, or able to hold a conversation like she used to. Her friends, like Garrett, lost touch not because he was angry, but because he didn’t know what to say.

The county charged Hayden with involuntary manslaughter, since she had been speeding. John’s parents got the charges dropped and instead only charged the drunk driver. The man got put away for life.

But Hayden’s parents offered to cover all of the funeral costs, and later charged Hayden for all of it. She still had fees from the county and the courts on top of it. John felt bad about it, but it was the least she could do.

+

Eric knocked on her door carefully, opening it slowly. She was lying with her back to the door and he walked around to see her face.

She was crying. Her eyes were blood shot and her cheeks were blotchy. He lay down next to her and before long she curled closer to him. He wrapped his arm around her and she cried into his shoulder.

He felt so bad for her, but there was a part of him that was glad she was letting it out.

“What happened?” he asked.

“He’s so angry, Eric. He’s just so mad and I don’t know how what to do. I thought I was doing better, but I forgot how much this hurt him,” she said.

“The way that John feels shouldn’t affect your progress, baby. You’re not the only one who is messed up,” Halvo said.

“Eric,” she said, a fresh set of tears springing to her eyes, “I feel like I did before.”

He turned to face her, propping himself up on his arm, “No, Hayden, please don’t say that.”

“I feel so bad. Just so awful about how he feels. I know that I shouldn’t but... I do,” she said.

“What did he say to you?” Eric asked.

“He just brought it all up again. He told me that it wasn’t fair that I lived,” she said.

Eric’s face went straight and he shook his head. “Don’t cry baby girl, please don’t cry.”

“I’ve tried telling myself what Dr. Roberts has said, but I keep picturing his eyes. They were so angry,” she said sadly.

“Have you talked to your therapist about it?”

“No, I told her I was sick these past few days so that I could avoid it,” she said.

“I thought I wasn’t going to see you like this anymore,” he sighed.

“I’m sorry, Eric. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I don’t understand it.”

Eric put his hand on her cheek and brushed away the tears hanging on her eye lashes, “Get some sleep, sweets.”

“Where are you going?”

“Out,” he said, “I’ll be back.”

“Don’t do anything you’ll regret, Eric,” Hayden practically begged. She almost wanted to ask him to stay, but she knew it would be futile. She knew where he was going, but she couldn’t figure out why she wasn’t okay with it.

“I have to, Hayden,” he said.

Eric said goodbye to her before driving to Jared’s house where everyone was supposed to be hanging out. He opened the door hastily and walked to the backyard where they were all barbequing.

He marched straight up to John, his right fist clenched. He swung hard and hit him square in the jaw, knocking him to the ground.

“What the hell?” he questioned as he got to his feet wobbly.

“You can’t say those things to her, John,” he said sternly, “You just can’t.”

“What are you talking about?” he asked, holding the side of his mouth.

“Hayden told me what you said, asshole. You say these things and you think you can just get away with it, but I have to pick up the pieces and I’m sick of it,” Eric shouted.

“Maybe she’s just too sensitive.”

Eric shook his head, pacing in front of John and fully aware of their friends surrounding them. “I used to think that, too. I resented her for being so foolish that I had to spend my time putting her back together. But then I realized that this is your fault. If someone said that to me I would want to kill myself too!”

“She should know that I don’t mean it to that extent!” John said defensively.

“But she doesn’t! You know how much she loves you and she has trusted you for forever, so when you tell her these things she believes them,” Eric said.

“I never asked her to trust me,” John said vehemently.

“But you take advantage of it like it’s something you deserve. And you don’t deserve it. She’s left crying in that little room while you get to do whatever the hell you want after just being horrible to her,” Eric said angrily.

“Why did you punch me, huh? Is it because you love her, Eric? Are you still angry that she always loved me?” John asked.

Eric rolled his eyes, laughing, “That’s right, John. Push everyone away why don’t you.”

“I’m just saying,” he muttered.

“You’re dejected, John. Everyone can see it except you. You blame your miserable life on Hayden because you don’t know how to deal with it, and that is not fair,” Eric said.

“You don’t know anything, Halvo,” he said bitterly.

“And now that Hayden is trying to get help,” he continued, “You’re doing anything you can to make sure she doesn’t.”

“So what are you saying, Eric? I need to get help after four years of dealing with it on my own?” John asked, meaning it to be rhetorical.

“What is your definition of ‘dealing with it’? Because pushing it so far down and drinking the thoughts away is not dealing with it,” Eric said.

“Screw you, Eric,” John spat.

Jared stepped in the middle of them, pushing them away, “Cool off, guys.”

“I’m leaving,” Halvo said, “Don’t come around her, John, unless you’re going to be constructive. I never realized until now that you’re more screwed up than her.”

“Eric…” Kennedy warned.

Eric gave him a look that told him to back off, and Kennedy understood it, stepping a few steps back.

“She has a chance, John, and I’m afraid that right now you’re hopeless.”

“I’m not hopeless,” he denied.

Eric rolled his eyes, and his tone of voice changed from angry to pleading, making John feel even worse. “Look deep down in you, John. I mean past all the fake feelings you’ve invented to hide from this, and realize that you’re no better.”

“Eric-”

“Fix you, before you judge her one more time.”