Social Suicide

[ New York City, NY ]

"Dammit!"

"What the hell?" Willa jumped as she heard Spanky's voice echo through the almost empty apartment.

Scooting forward on the couch she touched her bulging stomach as she leaned to grab for another handful of newspaper so that she could wrap more things. She still couldn't believe that she'd let Spanky talk her into sitting while he brought things to her to pack. She was already the size of a house and she knew that it was only going to get worse from there on in if Spanky didn't let her exercise like she should.

He'd already made sure that she took a cab everywhere in the city and using the stairs was out of the question. When he'd threatened to cancel her gym club membership so she couldn't work out she'd almost screamed. The only thing that he would let her do was go swimming which she had gotten into and had tended to cherish her moments in the water before she started her day.

"Sorry about that sweetie," he said with a comforting voice. He used the voice that Willa hated the one that was too sickeningly sweet to be coming out of the mouth of someone who was supposed to be big and buff and her protector. "I just was trying to get in touch with someone and I haven't been able to get through for the last few hours and now the stupid phone number is clicking me over to voicemail. I hate that."

"It's okay," Willa said giving him a smile. She'd been doing that a lot lately. He seemed to be more worried about her than she was worried about herself. "Who were you trying to call?"

"No one special," he said with a casual tone. She could tell that he was lying to her, but she didn't have the energy to argue with him. He'd called her parents a few weeks before to tell them how she was when she didn't return their calls and she expected that he'd probably called again and wasn't able to get a hold of them.

Knowing that she hated him to pace, Willa watched Spanky instead hold his cell phone in his hand and tap out a rhythm out on the palm of his hand as he watched her. She could tell that he would have been pacing all over the place, but she'd yelled at him a few weeks before about making her dizzy when he did it so now he seemed to try to let out his stresses in other ways.

"Well I'd hate to see you get mad if they were special." She made a face and tried to keep her spirits up as she packed.

It really was depressing and although she wanted to stay in the city, she knew it was time to get out of town. The new job that had opened at the Ford office in LA had been a godsend and due to her pregnancy, FORD was very excited to have her on board. It was not only in need of a new booking agent, but the publicity too. The connection of her to the company had been a plus for them. She was so important now that they'd helped finance her new home for her so that she'd have one less thing to worry about after the pregnancy.

"I didn't mean to startle you," he said and cocked his head to the side. He asked about her condition with his eyes then his mouth. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," she said. She smiled widely for him, smoothed her hand over her hair then leaned back on the couch to wrap another few dishes in newspaper. She had only been working a few hours and she already had most of them done which was a feat considering she'd only learned about the move the day before. She only had a few more coffee cups and a few bowls to do until she'd be almost done with the kitchen, which would put her almost a third of the way done.

"You sure?"

"Stop babysitting me Spanky and take these dishes and put them in that box over there," she said with a little bit of the spirit that had been fading in and out the last few months.

"I don't need you to be treating me like some person that is going to fall apart any minute. I know that my crying and all that have been a hassle, but the doctor said that it's normal for a pregnant woman to be crying all the time. You should know that. Didn't you say that your sister has a few kids?"

"Yes ma'am," he said with a patronizing voice. He came closer to her and grabbed up the dishes to move them.

As Spanky walked past her Willa shivered. She wasn't sure if it was the feeling of the baby moving or if it was a chill, but either way Spanky treated the movement like there had been an earthquake or something.

"Are you sure you're okay?" he asked, "You don't need your sweater do you?"

"I'm fine you big baby," she said and sat up straighter on the couch. "I just shivered. I'm not dying or anything." She thought it was ridiculous that he could be so sensitive to her. She had on long pants and a long sleeved shirt and it was fairly hot outside, but Spanky seemed to think that she needed a blanket on her lap and a sweater on. "You're worse than my mother."

"Willa, don't give me shit. You named me to be the godfather of this kid and I'm just trying to protect my little godson or daughter, okay?" Willa got tears in her eyes and put down the dish that she had in her hands.

"What now honey?" Spanky asked.

Willa wiped her face with the back of her hand then swiped a finger or two under her eyes to get the excess moisture trapped on her cheeks. "Nothing." Her sigh was so loud it would have been heard in a crowded room. "It's nothing."

"Willa you have to tell him that this kid is his."

"I can't Spanky. I tried to tell him before but he wouldn't listen to me."

"Well try again dammit," he said forcefully. He stood in front of her, staring down at her with a very fatherly looking expression on his face. "Willa you're too much of a smart ass to let him get to you. I thought you'd be pulling his hair out by now, not sitting back and waiting for this baby to be born into the world without its father present."

Willa sniffed and stared out the window. "He automatically assumed that it was Brennan's. How could he do that to me? I never thought that he'd choose Brennan's word over mine."

"You didn't tell him any differently honey. It's probably bad to say, but any guy in his place would have done the same thing. I mean with Brennan claiming that you were having his kid, it only seems natural that if you turn up pregnant that he would assume that it wasn't his."

"I know. I know."

The phone chose that moment to ring. "Saved by the bell," Willa mumbled and tried to move to get off the couch.

"You stay put," Spanky warned and walked across the room to grab up the cordless phone that was sitting on the counter.

"Willa's house." Spanky had been answering her phone, her door and any other thing that needed to be answered since Billie had disappeared out of her life. "Oh, hey Elena. Yeah she's here. No... yeah we're packing up... almost... yeah. She's right here hold on." Spanky gave her a stern look before he handed the phone over to her.

"I'm going to the store and get stuff for dinner. You stay put." His tone sounded completely motherly and domestic and she could hear Elena laughing on the phone at the sound of his voice.

"Yes sir," Willa said with a slightly mocking tone then put the phone to her ear and spoke to Elena, "Don't you laugh at my Spanky. He's just doing his job."

"Where in his contract does it say that he has to get groceries for you?"

"No where," Willa said. She brushed her hair out of her face and watched as Spanky left the apartment before she continued, "He does that part because he loves me."

Willa still wasn't sure how she'd ended up with Spanky on her case. He'd insisted that he stick with her and had even been happy to move to LA. She'd asked Elena about it a few months back, but she said that it wasn't something that she needed to worry about. Willa just assumed then that the agency was picking up the bill for the security service and she never dared to ask Spanky about it straight to his face. It seemed out of place for her to be asking him about that. Elena almost snorted she was laughing so hard now. "Yeah right, that big oaf has a heart?"

"Bigger than Texas," Willa put in as she settled back in her chair. When she was skinner she would have curled her legs up under her to talk, but now, with her ever-expanding stomach she had to settle for putting her feet up on the coffee table.

"Anyway," Elena said trying to calm her laughter, "I just wanted to let you know that the house papers went through and the movers will be there tomorrow to bring all your stuff out to California."

"Thank you so much," Willa said.

"Are you sure you don't want me to take a few days off and come and help you?"

"No," she said, "My mother is going to be down the first few days after I move in. She and Spanky should be able to do enough mothering between the two of them to cause me to go crazy. I don't need you there too... at least while my mother is there, but you definitely have to come and visit when this kid comes out."

"His father is the one that needs to be there." The stern tone that Spanky had given her that day was now evident in Elena's voice.

Willa winced. She'd been hearing this for months now, but as her due date got closer and closer the advice people were handing her seemed to get more and more urgent and her need to keep Billie away seemed to get stronger and stronger due to this bombardment.

"I don't want to talk about him." Her voice began to shake and she knew that she needed a break, but she didn't want to hang up with Elena just yet. Instead she tried to ease the tension by taking deep breaths. "I just was arguing with Spanky about him and I can only handle so much of that in one day."

"Fine. I'll leave it alone, but Sweetie you really need to tell him."

"He left me standing there Elena. I'm not going to let that happen to my kid. At least this way my child will never know their father. I'd rather have that then the pain of them watching him walk out on them." Willa wanted to swear as tears welled up in her eyes. She hated this. She didn't need to be crying over him again. "It was bad enough for me to go through."

Willa moved around and awkwardly found a space to lay out across the couch. She had to move the dishes to the floor, but she found a comfortable spot and sighed into the phone. "I want this kid out of me. I can't move like I'm used to and sleeping is horrible and I have to pee like a racehorse 24-hours a day."

"Hon, you'll get out to California and have a better time of things. The house is one story and you'll have Spanky and your mother to help out... you'll see that it'll be good for you to be out there."

"Keep reminding me," Willa said.

"Oh... I meant to tell you. The booking job with Ford is going to start a week after you get there so you'll have some time to relax and get to know the neighborhood and stuff. You can even work on your tan."

"Yeah right," Willa said, "If I lay down I won't be able to get up."

"Stop making jokes like that honey, you're not an invalid and you aren't even that big."

"That big. I love the way you say that."

"Willa don't you get all depressed now. You're going to be fine after this baby comes. You're going to love this kid and the new job and LA and all of it."

"Just keep reminding me," she said with a frown. No one was there to see her expression, but she needed to show some kind of emotion since Spanky wasn't in the room. If she frowned in front of him it was like the world was coming to an end.

"You'll be fine."

Willa started to get uncomfortable so she pushed her way up and got herself standing. "I'm starving. Where is that boy with the groceries?"

"I don't know," Elena said, "Where did he go shopping?"

"I haven't a clue." Willa heard the phone beep saying that there was another call coming in.

"That's my other line, hold on a second."

"Okay," Elena said.

Clicking over Willa held her breath for a moment before speaking. She'd been expecting a call from Brennan knowing that he'd probably heard about her move considering that it was all over the news. "Willa here."

"Hi Willa honey," the voice said.

Willa let out her breath. "Hi Mommy." Tears came to her eyes suddenly. "Elena's on the other line. Let me let her go and we'll chat."

"Okay," her mother said.

Willa quickly clicked over to the other line. "It's my mom. I've got to go."

"Okay Sweetie. Call me back tomorrow, alright?"

"Sure thing."

"Bye."

Willa clicked back over to her mother and wandered into the kitchen to get a drink. She had been feeling a little dehydrated that morning. She hadn't wanted to mention it to Spanky for fear that he would try to make her call the doctors again like he had when she'd had indigestion a few days before. It was ridiculous trying to take care of herself while trying not to alert Spanky to any kind of a problem.

"Hi mom," she said and tried to keep from crying. She thought for a moment and wondered if Spanky had been trying to call her. "Did Spanky call you this morning?"

"No honey," she said, "I got your message yesterday and couldn't remember if I'd called you back or not so I thought I'd give you a call today. It's been busy around here."

"Oh." She was glad that her mother had called, but the thought about who Spanky had been trying to get a hold of was still on her mind. "How's daddy?"

"The same. He still is a little upset about this whole situation, but you know him. He'll get over it in a while I guess. Especially when that kid comes to visit. Your father may be a little strict on you, but with the little ones he's a push over."

"Well let's hope so. I hate the fact that he won't talk to me when I call." She opened up the refrigerator and when she didn't see anything too exciting she closed the door.

"Honey, it's not that he doesn't love you. He does, but he needs some time to get used to this. I mean... you're his little girl and he wants you to stay a little girl."

"I know, I know," she said sadly.

"Honey. I just wanted to tell you my flight information. I called and left a message with William, but I thought you should know."

"Why do you call him William?" Willa asked, "No one calls him that. Spanky's not used to it. I think you scare him when you call him by his real name."

"He loves it when I call him William." She loved the way her mother could always be right about something, even if she really didn't have a clue what she was talking about. "He said it reminds him of his mother."

"Whatever mom," Willa said and reached to grab for the water bottle that she'd placed in the freezer about an hour before. Willa heard the door open and saw Spanky come in the door carrying three plastic grocery bags. He smiled at her and went to the counter and began to pull out his things.

"Anyway tell me your flight info."

Willa's mother rambled off the information and while Willa caught the information, she was paying more attention to the orange popsicles that Spanky was putting away than the information.

"Who's there with you?" her mother asked.

"Spanky just got back from going out to get lunch," Willa explained.

"You're a saint," Willa mouthed to him and set her bottled water on the counter and propped the phone on her shoulder to talk while Spanky made them sandwiches.

"Who are you talking with?" he asked softly.

"My mother."

"Hi Mrs. Marviani," he said with a smile.

"Tell William I said hello."

"My mom says hi back, William." She watched Spanky blush at the use of his real name.

"I should go and eat mom. I'll see you in a few days."

"Okay honey," she said.

"I love you," Willa said with a smile then hung up the phone.

[ Agora Hills, CA (near Los Angeles) ]

It was almost a month after she moved in her new house in LA that her first visitor came to knock on the door. It was her first welcomed visitor anyway, since reporters had tried to get to her after they'd tracked her to the house after she'd arrived at LAX.

Willa was sitting at her computer, talking on the phone booking some dates for the modeling agency, when the knock sounded and although she heard it, she wasn't in a position, partly because of her pregnancy and partly because of her phone call to answer the door. She'd been sitting there for most of the morning, first with tea next to her and now water and a few carrots since it wasn't quite lunchtime yet and hadn't planned on moving until she stopped for lunch. Now that she had her new job she was running full steam ahead with it and she actually liked the job that Elena had been doing for her so many years now.

"No. Yeah, I'm still here. Omaha to Portland... no Portland Oregon. Wait, there is a Portland Maine? Who would have thought? Anyway... I need the flight for three days from now... " she rattled off checking the information she had in front of her with the computer on the screen before she gave it to the woman on the line with her. "Yeah, Monica Welting with a veggie meal."

Coming to the rescue, Spanky, who'd been watching a movie in the sunken living room next to the dining room, got up and walked past where her little office was set up. He threw her a wave then she watched his back as he disappeared around the corner as he went to get the door. She liked the laid back feel of California.

That day she wore shorts and a T-shirt and Spanky had on running pants and a T-shirt. Somehow this seemed to be the uniform of the neighborhood she was living in. The only time she saw people outside of their causal clothes was when the commuters headed out to the office in the morning and even then no one wore formal things like in New York.

A few minutes later, when her call was finally over, after haggling with the airlines to get a flight for a model from the Mid-West out to Oregon, she hung up the phone. When she realized that Spanky hadn't returned from the front door she called out, "Are you ready for lunch Big Guy?"

Silence filled the house.

"Spanky?" she called out cautiously when she didn't hear anything.

The wood floor creaked and she broke out into a sweat fearing that something had happened to him. She didn't know why exactly, but the last month or so in the new house had been making her kind of paranoid. When they'd arrived at LAX a few weeks before the reporters were waiting for them and she'd been followed most of the time she'd been out and about in the LA area. Now she wondered if a reporter or someone had come to the door and Spanky had to take care of them.

He normally was very gentle with her, actually too gentle with her and most the time that was a comfort to her, but she did know that he had another side to him. She'd seen it with her own eyes in the airport when he'd gotten a little frustrated with the crowd that had gathered and she now had the worry in the back of her mind that he might get into a fight one day over her and she didn't want that.

"Spanky?" she called again.

"Yeah sweetie?" he answered to her finally calming her worst fears.

"Who was at the door?" she asked twisting in her chair she tried to push herself into a standing position.

"Me," a male voice said.

When Willa looked up she found Mike standing in the doorway next to Spanky. Wearing jeans and a T-shirt he looked comfortable and looked right at home in her house, something that slightly scared her. It wasn't that she hated him really, but the group that he hung out with had a lot of bad memories for her and she didn't want them making their way into her new home.

Spanky already had a worried look on his face as if he was anticipating her to be upset by the visit.

"I wasn't sure if you'd want to see him," Spanky tugged on the hem of his T-shirt nervously.

"It's fine Spanky, it's not like I can turn him away."

"I'd hope not," Mike said in a soft voice.

Spanky walked further into the room and stood in the space between Mike and her, almost as if he expected some outburst to happen and he was setting himself up to be in the middle of the confrontation. "He said that he needed to talk to you."

"What's wrong?" she asked immediately thinking that something might have happened to Billie or one of the others. She hadn't seen any of them in months but she DID know that they were supposed to be on tour, Elena had told her that much.

"Wow. It's nice to see you too Willa," Mike said with a smirk on his face. "Last time I checked I thought that my name wasn't Billie, but maybe I was mistaken."

"I'm sorry," she said with a sigh then went over and hugged him gently then looked at him in the eyes. "Who sent you?"

"No one," he said, "I'm in town for a few days because I just bought a house out here so I thought I'd stop by. I wanted to see if you were okay." He looked down at her. "When's the baby due?"

"November," she said and patted her stomach then stepped a few feet back from him wondering if she should be friendly to him. "I'm as big as a house."

He was watching her too closely. She didn't like the way his eyes seemed to stay right on her. He didn't even blink. Shouldn't he be checking her place out or something? He might be on some kind of a spy mission or something.

"How did you know where I lived?" she asked and motioned for them to go sit in the living room.

Taking the hint that they needed to talk, Spanky flipped off the television and disappeared into the kitchen leaving alone.

"Elena and Billie have been in contact a few times... I thought you knew that since Spanky was," Mike said looking around the room finally as he followed her to find a seat, "Never mind--anyway I told him that I'd be out here so he gave me your address."

"The bastard couldn't come himself? Where is he? He sent you didn't he?" she asked as she moved herself into a sitting position on the couch. She hated being so big. If she'd thought that being big a month before had been bad she wondered what her seventh, eighth and ninth months were going to be like.

"No," he said. He didn't look at her for a moment. "Actually he didn't want me to come, but I told him that I thought I should stop by since we're neighbors and all."

"So how have all of you been?"

"Good."

"How's the tour going?" she asked.

He focused on her after looking around. "Good."

"Mike, cut the bullshit and tell me why you're here. If you just wanted to see me then you've seen me and you can go." Willa struggled to push herself up off the couch. She wanted to run away from him but she couldn't because she was too big to get up and move.

Mike must have seen her struggling because he suddenly was in front of her pulling her up to her feet.

She pushed his hands off her once she was standing. Trying to remind herself that she needed to keep her bitchiness to a minimum due to her pregnant condition she paused her movements. "Thank you."

"Please don't stress out on me now." He reached over and pushed her hair out of her face and spoke to her with his own soft comforting voice. "I just came to see how you were. I didn't think it would be that big of an issue. You know that just because you and Billie broke up doesn't mean that the rest of us can't worry about you. We just--we meaning myself, Wes and Tre--all just are worried about you. You've moved away from New York, got a new job, and you haven't talked to our friend in months now."

"Correction." She didn't want it to be thought that Billie was the victim in this situation. He'd been the one to abandon her before she could tell him the truth so if anyone was supposed to be the victim it was her. "He hasn't talked to me and I wouldn't want to talk to him if he did speak to me. He took his side damn it. He took his word over mine."

"Hey!" Spanky's voice boomed through the room. He had appeared in the doorway to the kitchen wearing the apron she normally that hanging hung on the back of the door. It had been a gift from Elena that she hadn't used yet, but had become a second skin to Spanky. The logo on it said kiss the cook, but Willa could tell that Spanky wasn't at all in the mood to deal with pleasantries.

"What the hell is going on?"

Willa wiped her eyes. "I'm fine Spanky." She put a hand out to stop him from interfering, "Mike and I were just discussing the father of my baby and how he and I don't get along."

"Father of your baby?" Mike asked.

Willa bit her lip and stomped her foot. "You should go now." She wanted her voice to come out sounding forceful, but all she sounded like was that she was over emotional at the moment. "I have to get back to work."

"Wait," Mike reached his arm out and grabbed onto her when she tried to walk past him.

"Hey!" Spanky said and came over and quickly moved himself in between the two of them.

"I'm not going to hurt her Spanky. I just want to know what she meant by that last comment."

"What comment?" Spanky asked.

"Is Billie really this kid's dad?" he asked. Willa bit her lip and closed her eyes.

"Are you okay?" Spanky asked. She nodded no and sat down.

"Hon, what do you need?" Spanky's voice came to her from a close position. She knew he was probably at her side by now kneeling and wondering what was wrong with her. He'd been like that and usually it was a help, but today, in front of Mike, it made her look weak.

"Nothing," she said and opened her eyes and pushed him away when she felt him put his hand on her back and on her leg.

Mike looked at her with a worried look. "Are you okay?" he asked then he looked at Spanky, "Is she okay?"

"I'm fine," she said angrily. "I'm fine without him and I don't need you..." she pointed at Mike. "I don't need you to run to him and tell him that news. If I get a call from him or anyone even remotely related to him about this I'm going to cut your balls off."

Spanky let out a laugh at that comment and Mike stepped back with his wide eyes never leaving her face.

Taking some more deep breaths she sighed, "I'm sorry. I don't mean that."

"I think you need to leave," Spanky said then turned to Willa, "You need to rest."

Mike walked past her towards the door. "Willa, Elena has my number...and as much as I know that you don't want us involved, if something happens and you need something...someone, you call me...okay?"

She nodded and wiped her eyes. "Tell everyone--" she made eye contact with him. "Tell Tre I said hi. And send my love to Wes."

"Will do," he said.

When the sound of the door closing met her ears Willa leaned back in her chair and threw her head back against the back of the couch and crossed an arm over her face.

Just when the tension seemed to ebb, the ring of the phone filled the air. Spanky went to go answer it while Willa took a few more deep breaths to try and calm herself.

"Oh...hey...yeah she's here...hold on," Spanky said into the phone.

Willa uncovered her face and looked over at him. "Who is it?"

"Your mother."

"Tell her I'll call her back."

"Are you sure?"

"Just do it Spanky!" She said as tears sprung to her eyes, "I'll call her back when I think I can talk without crying."

"Fine," he said, "I'll tell her." Willa leaned back and rubbed her temples.

"Mrs. Marviani?" Spanky said into the phone behind her, "Yeah, she's resting right now. I'll make sure that she knows you want to talk to her...yeah...I hope we hear from you soon...uh huh, yeah...I'm taking good care of her. She's fine, just tired she's been working all morning."

Letting out a groan Willa moved herself off the couch and returned to her phone and computer in the dining room. She was glad she hadn't given her mother her work number. She loved her mother, but she could be a little overwhelming and with the stress of seeing Mike that day she needed a rest for a while before she dealt with whatever her mother was going to bring to the table.

"Okay Mrs. Marviani," Spanky said with a soft voice, "I'll make sure she knows that you love her. Yes. Bye bye."

[ Orlando, FL ]

"Hey Jackie!" Billie called out from his room.

His eyes frantically searched the built in spaces where he stored his shoes, a frown forming on his face. He'd come into the walk-in closet about a half hour before and almost felt at this point that he'd never make it out of there alive. The whole thing seemed to be organized, but at the moment he couldn't find anything, maybe it was because he hadn't showered yet that morning.

"Yeah?" she called back, her voice was kind of faint. He knew she was in the kitchen making herself breakfast and although he didn't think she'd know where his shoes were, somehow she always seemed to find all the things that he lost in the house.

"One more reason," he laughed to himself, "To keep her around."

Billie put a hand up and grabbed onto the hanging bar in the closet and leaned to look to see if he'd kicked them out onto the floor instead of putting them away. "Have you seen my converse?"

A loud laugh could be heard through the house. "Which pair?"

Billie moved some of the lower rack's shirts out of the way and tried to stay calm. He was having a hard time making decisions on what to bring with him. He'd been packing up for almost a half hour and still hadn't filled his bag up yet, a bad sign on a normal day and even worse sign when his flight was in two hours. "The white ones? You know... the ones I brought back from New York!"

"They're in the closet next to your black and white Adidas!" she called, "Remember? You wore them the last time you were home."

Billie stared at the rack of shoes again and sure enough found the shoes where Jackie had said they would be. "Thanks Hon!" he called out and grabbed up the shoes and found another shirt on his way out of the walk-in closet, one that he thought he might wear on his flight back to meet up with the others.

A few moments later Jackie entered the room holding a bagel with cream cheese in her hand. She wore her pajamas still, a pair of cottony shorts and a matching tank top that said angel across it. Her hair was pulled up into a ponytail and she hadn't showered yet that morning, but to Billie she looked great, even better considering that he hadn't seen her in almost a month. "Want a bite?" she asked holding it up for him to see.

Billie shrugged in response and went over to her. He slid his arms around her waist then hugged her to him. Fearing that she might push the thing into his face just to be silly, he grabbed onto her wrist as she lifted the bagel to his mouth.
"What? You don't trust me?" she asked with a sickeningly sweet smile, one that he knew she only used when she was up to something bad but trying to act like she was an angel.

"On most days yes," he said then took a bite and chewed it slowly, "But after yesterday and that whole washing the car thing...I'm not sure if I can ever trust you again."

"I swear I didn't mean to spray you," she said with a laugh.

"Yeah well what happened then?" he asked thinking of how an afternoon of washing their cars had turned into an all out water fight.

When the whole incident had started off innocently enough. He'd decided that since it was a hot day and they needed to cool off that they would wash his car. Actually his plan was for him to wash and for her to rinse letting her play in the water more than really work on the car. He'd been on one side of the Beamer and she'd been on the other side, up on a stool, washing off the soap that was on the top. It had all the makings of a nice afternoon out in the sun until she accidentally on purpose sprayed him. He'd given her a stern look and a few words of warning, but it didn't seem to deter her from her intentions. A moment later he'd found himself dripping wet as she decided to spray him on purpose this time. Of course he'd decided to run after her and she soon found herself with a soapy sponge in her face as payback.

"Did you just think that as soon as I was a little wet that you could just soak the rest of me?" he asked with a flirtatious smile.

"No," she said and batted her eyes at him then reached up and wiped the side of his mouth. "I just thought you were getting to be way too serious about washing your damn car and needed a little laugh. I got a little wet too yesterday, or don't you remember that well enough."

"Yeah, but you deserved that," he said narrowing his eyes at her. It was a playful anger that brought a smile to her face. He loved her smile. It wasn't as wide or as teethy as Willa's had been, but he could tell that it was genuine and that's what counted. "I didn't deserve my nice little soaking."

"I don't remember you complaining yesterday when we--" Jackie's voice came out in a low rumbling tone when she spoke again and she looked at him with a shy sexy look in her eyes that she knew drove him wild. She'd used that voice in public once and it had caused more than a little bit of a reaction out of him.

Billie could feel a blush rush over his face when he thought about how they'd had to clean up afterwards. He'd been the one who'd said that they should get cleaned up, but it had been her suggestion to share the shower and the bed as their little shower session turned into a lovemaking session that lasted most of the afternoon and evening.

"Well the shower and everything did kind of make up for it."

"Oh, that reminds me..." She stepped back from him and took a bite of the bagel as she went over to find a seat on the bed. "You really should invest in some tanning time honey."

"What?" he asked with fake shock. He looked down at his arms. They were kind of white compared to the nice tan that Jackie had gotten that summer, but his arms didn't seem any whiter than normal. "You think I need a tan?"

She laughed and nodded, "I think people are going to wonder when I started dating Casper the friendly ghost."

"Oh really?" he said and grabbed up the shirt he'd brought out from the shower and folded it in half before he threw it in the open suitcase next to her.

Jackie shook her head at him. "Billie, you have to fold your clothes better than that," she said. Leaning over she put her bagel on the nightstand, licked her fingers then grabbed up the few shirts that were already in the bag and began to refold them. She folded them the way that clothes are folded.

He let out a laugh. "Work at the Gap anytime lately?" he asked.

"No. Didn't your mom teach you to fold clothes?"

"Yeah," he said, "But I forgot." He picked up the next shirt and handed it to her. "Girls always fold things better than guys anyway."

"Sure, sure." She blew him a kiss as she reorganized the rest of his clothes.
He watched her hands slide over his clothes and got caught in a daze of sorts as he remembered the way her hands had slid over his clothes when they'd been playing around the day before.

"You know you don't have to do that," he said and reached to take the clothes out of her hands.

"Do what?" she asked, "I'm just making it so your shirts aren't wrinkled. I can't let you walk around looking sloppy or people will wonder what's wrong with me."

"Wrong with you?" he asked. He walked around and crawled into the bed then moved so that he was sitting behind her, with his arms around her and his chin on her shoulder.

"Yeah," she said, "People will wonder how I can let my man out of the house like that."

"Your man?" he asked.

Jackie stopped what she was doing and turned and looked at him. "What?" she asked, "Did you forget that we were dating too?"

"No... I'm just... never mind... I just haven't had someone say that about me in a while."

"What? That you're sloppy?" she asked.

"No, that I'm their man." He shook his head thinking about how Willa used to think that men were boys and women were girls.

"What?" she asked.

"Nothing," he said with a smile. He took a deep breath then frowned and pushed away from her, scrambled across the bed and returned to his packing duties.
When he was standing in front of his bag again he noticed that she was sitting still and looking up at him with a dazed expression. "What?" he asked.

"What's wrong?"

He shrugged. "Nothing."

"Stop shrugging and tell me." Her expression changed from one of slight concern into anger. "You just got this look in your eyes like you're all sad all of a sudden and now you won't talk to me... you know how I hate that."

"I am sad," he said. His mind raced. He couldn't tell her that the thoughts of Willa had caused his mood change. She didn't need that kind of information to mess with her head. "I'm leaving on tour and you're not going to visit me for another month or so."

"Oh," she said and seemed to perk up a little at the thought of him missing her. "Well if that's all it is, I can come out earlier than that."

"I don't want you to mess up your studying schedule." He shrugged and tried not to make it seem so important that she come out and visit him. He loved when she got to visit him. She'd been with them in Atlanta before his last vacation and they'd had a blast together. "You have the bar exams and stuff. You know how I feel about you not studying. I dragged you away from the books this weekend."

"No one drags me anywhere Billie. I came over fully knowing that I'd spend two whole days not studying, but as you well know, vacations are good and I needed one probably more than you did. My exams will be over in September though." She smiled. "I can come out at the end of September and visit you for a week or so... how does that sound?"

"Good," he said. He flashed her a smile and disappeared into the closet again.

"Wait, hold up," she said and soon was right behind him in the walk-in closet.

"Jackie. It's nothing. I'm just tired and I don't want to leave again... call it PMS or whatever, but I'm just in a grumpy mood. I'm sorry okay?"

"That's all you had to tell me."

"Well now you know so can we please drop the subject. I have to leave in a few hours. You want to take a shower with me before I go?" he asked slipping his arms around her.

"So you're going to seduce me into silence?" she asked.

"No, I plan to--well lets put it this way... the average shower only takes about fifteen or twenty minutes, but this one is going to take a lot longer."

"Oh... no minute man for you?"

"Ouch," he said and slapped a hand across his chest, "I'm hurt."

"Don't be," she said and leaned and kissed him, "I know you're better than that. I just thought--"

Billie leaned and kissed her and began to pull her shirt over her head. "Honey, I know you don't like it when I tell you to shut up but... " She looked like she was about to protest, but he stopped her by putting a finger over her lips. "... Shut up sweetie and go get in the shower."

*****

Trips out west to LA usually meant that the guys would be attending some interesting party or event or taping Leno or going to an Angels game or going shopping. Billie couldn't remember a time when he didn't love the city. That was until now.

This trip though was different; at least it would be for Billie. He'd thought about it when he'd boarded the bus is Las Vegas, he was going to be in the same city as Willa again, and had jolted awake when they arrived in the city limits. He'd been awakened as if he'd somehow known in his sleep that they'd arrived in the vicinity of Willa.

Slowly pushing himself out of his bunk he tugged on a T-shirt and found that everyone was asleep so he tried to make his way out to the front of the bus without waking them up. Everyone's curtains were closed and he could hear Tre's slight snoring and Mike's Ipod still playing and thought that he heard Wes talking in his sleep.

"Where I should be," he mumbled and left the back part of the bus. He kicked into a pair of shoes on the floor and almost swore aloud, but kept it in, not wanting to wake everyone.

He was glad that they were all asleep, he'd been avoiding talking to them about being in Los Angeles. He could tell that they knew something was on his mind, but they'd left him alone about it since all of them knew that Willa would be in the city at the same time as him.

He'd heard that Mike had visited her last time he'd been home, but Billie didn't dare ask him about the trip. It was too much of a temptation for him. He was having a hard enough time trying not to think about Willa without hearing about her and he knew that getting news of her would just make things worse for him. He had to keep his head on straight, Jackie was arriving that afternoon and he needed to act like himself for her. He needed to give her that, even he knew that he might struggle with keeping up the rest o the facade.

Turning on the light over the sink he saw that just the driver James was awake. He stopped in the kitchen to grab a bottled water and also to make some noise so he wouldn't scare James, then he went to the front of the bus. Reaching around he pulled down the little seat that would let him sit near him then patted the guy on the shoulder. "Hey J," he said with a sleepy smile. "How goes the drive?"

"What are you doing up?" James asked as his eyes glanced over at him then back to the road. The huge bodyguard/driver sat in a comfortable chair. He had been asleep all day when the guys had been doing their shows so it was the first chance that Billie had gotten to talk to him since two shows before back in Texas.

He hated that part of his life. He hadn't talked to his mother since the week before despite leaving messages for and his family. He missed his old lie. He needed contact with people other that the guys in the group and he wasn't getting that.

When Willa had been around at least he could talk to Elena or Spanky or some of her modeling friends, but now he was cut off again, especially since Jackie had been acting like a hermit due to her studying schedule. He hadn't talked to her in almost four days and was almost worried about her actually showing up in LA. He knew her flight schedule, but he wasn't sure about the plans to go pick her up. Kelly had assured him that things would be all taken care of but he still wasn't sure about all of it.

"Couldn't sleep," he admitted as he leaned over a little to crane his neck to look out into the darkness. He could see most of the road in front of them but couldn't really see the sky due to the shape of the window unless he leaned a certain way. "Where are we?"
"Just outside of LA," he said, "We should be at the hotel in about an hour."

"Has traffic been that bad?" he asked. He could see water running down the sides of the window and he wondered if it had rained. They were in the middle of the desert area of the country and figured it would probably be just dew on the windows, not rain. What he wouldn't give for some rain. It screwed with shows and the tour, but he hadn't seen rain in a few weeks they'd been in the south, but he missed the rain in the afternoon in California.

"Not really," he said, "We're not going to hit commute traffic I don't think so we shouldn't have a problem."

Billie sighed and leaned back and looked out the window. His feet lifted automatically to rest on the dashboard and he leaned against his legs, propping one hand under his chin for support.

"Okay, I'm not going to put up with that sighing. If you're going to sit up here with me you're going to have to spill the beans or you're going to have to go back to sleep."

"Nothing is wrong," He said.

"Sure, sure," James taunted him.

Billie let out a laugh. "Fine James," he said, "Although I'm sure what I have to say will just end up putting you asleep...which could be dangerous."

"Not quite," James said and tapped the coffee cup in the holder next to where his right hand had been on the steering wheel.

"You sure?"

"I already know its woman troubles, so you might want to tell me whether it's your current woman or Willa?"

Billie's eyes widened. He was completely shocked, not that he would accuse him of something so strange, but that because he was exactly right about his feelings towards Willa. How could someone know his feelings even before he could even figure them out himself?

"Why would you think that it's Willa?"

"Because boy, you've been different since that all went down."

"Different?" Billie asked and watched as an 18-wheeler flew by them.

"I don't know how--what's her name...you're new lady?--"

"Jackie," Billie supplied and focused back on the conversation.

"I don't know how that girl of yours, Jackie, puts up with you. Either she is really stupid when it comes to you or she's really tolerant. If I were a woman--"

"You'd be an ugly one," Billie said trying not to let the conversation get too serious.

James gave him a stern look as he grabbed up his coffee cup and took a drink then replaced it. "As I was saying...if I was a woman and was dating a man in love with another woman I wouldn't have stuck around this long."

"In love with another woman?" Billie asked. He distracted himself by scratching his arm and picking at some lint on the running pants he'd worn to bed.

"You and Willa," James said glancing over at him again, "I may only be a driver, but you know that I hear all the news. I mean Wes and I work up together...don't you think that he and I talk about you guys when you're not around?"

"You little gossip whore," He said with a slightly hurt tone. He didn't like the idea of people talking about his business. It was one thing when he press did it, since he really couldn't stop that, but having his own crew talking about him. "How the hell do you know that I'm in love with Willa still?"

"So you admit it?" James asked. He stared at him for a long time now making Billie nervous.

"Shouldn't you be keeping your eyes on the road?"

James glanced out onto the road, adjusted his driving a little, "Answer the question."

Billie felt like he needed to reach out and take the wheel from him, but knew he shouldn't touch the wheel. That had been rule number one with the bus. No one drove or even touched the wheel besides James or the other drivers.

"Fine, fine. No. I never said that...I meant, how do you think you know that I am?"

"You're just different man. I've seen you with that Jackie and I can tell that you aren't a hundred percent with her. For someone being so smart, her being a lawyer and all, I would think that she'd be able to figure you out by now. You don't have that look in your eyes that you had with Willa."

"What?" He now felt a weight settle on his shoulders.

If James noticed his not so warm reception of Jackie, he wondered if Jackie could see it. He'd tried his hardest to be normal with her, but there was a part of him that still wished that it was Willa with him and not Jackie. It really wasn't fair for her to have to put with that, but he couldn't help it and there wasn't anything that she could do to make up Willa's absence to him, not that she needed to do that, but, well basically he was stuck with the situation.

"Billie, admit it," James said with a suddenly low and serious tone, "You're cheating the both of you when you're dating someone you're not in love with."
"Whatever James."

He pushed himself up from his seat and went into the living room area as his head began to ache. Pictures of Willa and Jackie swirled in his head and somehow he saw the two of them merging into one vision in front of his eyes. "Wouldn't that be just the thing?" Billie said and rubbed his forehead.

Moving through the bus he tried to locate some Tylenol. He'd seen some in the cupboard near the sink but when he looked he had a little more trouble than he'd have thought trying to pull out the medicine.

He was at the sink getting some more water when Mike came out into the living room. He immediately turned down the flow of water fearing that the sound of the water into the sink and into his cup had been too loud.

"Hey Mike," Billie spoke over his shoulder as he passed him.

"Hmm," Mike answered and slid into the booth. He yawned a huge yawn, stretched his arms over his head then scratched at the goatee that he'd been growing the last few days. "I've got to talk to you Billie."

Billie turned and leaned against the counter and sipped at his water. Mike looked half-dead and he didn't understand why he was at the table instead of in bed, but it must be something serious.

"About what?" He asked fearing that it was something serious knowing that Mike didn't part with his limited sleep time unless it was something to the point of being almost life threatening.

Mike looked as if he was about to start in on a heart to heart when a phone started ringing. The guys' heads shot up and listened to see if someone was going to get it. It was too early for anyone to be just calling so they knew it was probably an emergency. Their families could have been calling from the East Coast, but it wasn't likely that the call would be a social one.

"Mike it's yours!" Tre called out from the bunk area.

Mike pushed himself up and went in search of his phone. He was gone for only a few moments then came back with the phone pressed to his ear.

"No," He said, "No I didn't say that."

"Tell Sarah I said hi," Billie said and leaned back in the couch.

"No, no you didn't--it's not a bother," He said, "Billie and I are the only ones that are up. No, no. Tre woke up when the phone rang, but really its okay."

Billie turned in his seat and stared out the window again and prayed that things went well with Jackie while she was in LA. He'd been doing fine, actually looking forward to seeing her, but now as they got closer to LA he was getting a little nervous. She knew all about Willa, that wasn't the trouble.

The trouble was that she didn't know about how he was feeling.

*****

"You still there?"

"Yeah," Willa nodded and opened her eyes and stared at the darkness for a minute. She'd been listening to him give her advice and somehow had dozed off a little. "I'm still here. I was just thinking."

"You feel any better?"

"Yeah, I feel fine now." She sniffled.

"You sure?"

"I was just a little nervous about all of this, but I'm sure I'll be okay. I mean I've got a body guard with me so it's not like Billie is going to go nuts on me. You should get to sleep. I know you have a busy day tomorrow and I'm sure he is going to be a handful to deal with."

"You know him too well," Mike said with a laugh. "I wish there was something I could do to make it better. I feel like I need to do something."

"It's okay," she said, "Just being there for me and talking to me is enough...we need to deal with this stuff ourselves."

"If you say so," he said.

"I love that you're thinking like you need to help, but really. I can handle this myself. I mean I have so far."

"Yeah I guess. So I'll see you tomorrow?" Mike asked.

"Yeah, in between the interview with Entertainment Tonight and before you go to sound check."

He'd told her about it the week before and she'd written down the times and places she needed to be. Spanky even had a copy so that they wouldn't miss out on her chance to see the group again. It had taken a lot of convincing on Mike's part to get her to come, but after more than a few phone calls, one from each guy except Billie, and one from Sarah she finally gave in and accepted the invitation to come out to the show.

"Are you sure you're going to be okay and you'll show up?" Mike took a huge breath and she pictured the worried look on his face. He was trying to be a good friend to the both of them, her and Billie, but she knew that he was also worried that he would ruin everything for them. She knew that he wanted to get them in the same place so that they would be forced to talk and she actually deep down appreciated that fact since she was too chicken to do it herself, but she was weary of seeing him again.

"Yeah," she said. She moved the covers up around her more and patted her stomach. "I've got to see him sooner or later. I guess he should know about his kid before it's born."

"His girlfriend is going to be in town," Mike said in a whisper, "Are you going to be okay if you two bump into each other?"

"I'll manage. I'm sure it'll be a little upsetting and all, but I have to deal with him and her sooner or later." She felt tears coming to her eyes already at the thought of seeing him with someone else. She'd already seen pictures of the new woman in his life, Jackie, from a benefit they'd both been at a few months before. "I'll be prepared. Plenty of tissues in my pocket and Spanky's shoulder to cry on afterwards."

"I just don't want some huge drama to happen. It's not good for you and it's not good for--"

She wanted to laugh at the way that Mike had suddenly taken this concerned role with her. He'd kept his promise about keeping in touch with her and had sent Sarah over a few times to check on her. She thought it was kind of strange for him to be involved, but she had explained that Mike was like that with everyone. He was the fatherly type and worried about everyone the way he worried about her.

"What are you talking about?" she heard Billie say in the background, "What's Sarah stressing out over now?"

She cringed at the sound of his voice and if she wasn't mistaken she felt the baby kick at the sound. "Don't get attached just yet sweetie," she mumbled as she rubbed her tummy.

"Nothing, she's just going to a new job interview and she doesn't know what to tell them." Mike said.

"He doesn't know it's me, does he?" she asked. She found herself whispering although she didn't know why. It wasn't like Billie would be able to hear her voice through the phone, but she still was almost afraid that he would.

"No," Mike said.

"Tell her to tell them a joke," she heard Billie say.

"Sounds good. Tell them a joke," Mike said.

"I should let you go," she said softly, "You need to get some sleep and I should rest up for today."

"Love you honey," he said then paused, "And I mean that."

"I love you too," she heard Billie say in a silly voice.

Her breath caught in her throat and she started to choke when tears sprung to her eyes. "Thanks Mike," she said.

"I'll talk to you later," he said, "Call me."

"I will," she said.

"And be brave," he said.

"I will," she said and dabbed at her eyes. She didn't need to start her crying now, she knew she'd be doing enough of that later on that night after the meeting and the concert and all of it.

Willa hung up the phone, wiped her tears and settled back into bed. She'd heard his voice and she hadn't completely fallen apart which gave her hope about their meeting later. The only thing she was mad at was the fact that he'd been in the same room as Mike and she hadn't even been able to gather her courage enough to talk to him. What was wrong with her?

"Sweetie are you okay?" Spanky asked from the doorway. He was half-asleep, but she could see the concern on his face. She loved when he looked vulnerable like that. He tried to be such a tough guy with her, but she'd seen glimpses of the real him, the non-bodyguard part of him.

"I'm fine," she said. She leaned and flipped on the light by her bed and patted the area next to her. "Come here."

Spanky came over and sat next to her. She laughed a little at the way the bed seemed to lean towards his weight. She'd gained some pounds with her pregnancy, but Spanky still outweighed her by about a hundred pounds. "Do I tell you enough how much I appreciate you?" she asked. Tears came to her eyes again.

"Did you eat something crazy before you went to bed?" he asked, "I told you those chicken wings are bad for you."

"I'm serious Spanky," she said, "I need you to be strong for me today. I'm going to see Billie and I know that his girlfriend is going to be around and I don't want to make a fool of myself. After all this time I can't be bawling all over him."

"I've got your back sweetie, you know that," he said, "You know I'll always have your back and if that guy tries anything today I'm going to show him a thing or two. It's such a shame about him not being able to come to his senses and take care of his kid like he should."

"It's not really his fault," she said.

"Don't go easy on him. He should know better. You didn't even get a chance to tell him the truth and he didn't seem like he wanted to know the truth."

"It was my fault though. I should have stayed and made him listen to me. I should have forced the issue, but--"

"You can't be stressing out like this Willa. Billie is an adult and shouldn't have stormed out like that," he said.

"I don't want to talk about him anymore," she said rubbing her tummy, "Hear that baby? If your daddy doesn't come to his senses Uncle Spanky is going to take good care of us."

"As long as you name the kid after me," he said with a laugh and reached over and tapped her stomach.

"I'm not sure that Spanky Marviani is the best of names. My mother would probably kill me for naming it after you and Elena, who of course is your biggest fan, would probably have a heart attack on the spot."

"Elena isn't my biggest fan? What? I'm offended."

"You shouldn't be," she said, "One day I'll let you at her and she'll be sorry."

"You're too silly," he said. He leaned back and looked at her. "You aren't going to give the kid Billie's last name?"

Willa tensed at that thought. She knew that it would be the right thing to do, but she 26couldn't bring herself to do it just yet. She didn't want that kind of a reminder of him. It would be bad enough that the kid would look like him, but she wouldn't be able to stand to call it a name that would remind her of him every time.

"I'm not sure that I should," she said. Her tears started again. "I've--I've got to just do this on my own. If I do tell him today that this kid is his I'm not expecting to be with him and I don't think that my kid should have the name of their absentee father." She wiped her face and realized that she was grabbing onto the covers with her hand so she loosened her grip. "If I tell him I'm not going to ask him for anything. He's made it clear that I'm not going to be a part of his life and that's the way it's going to be."

"You can't be serious," Spanky said, "I know that you don't want to be with him like in a marriage way, but you should make sure that he pays what he owes you."

"I don't need his money."

"You don't need it, but you can't say that it won't make your life any easier."
"Spanky. I can't be relying on him like that. I know that it'll make my life easier, but really it'll make me feel like I owe him something. I don't want to be in debt to him."

"He owes you," Spanky said, "You've done this on your own so far, but having a kid is going to be hard. I should know. I have enough kids in my family to have had a little experience. It isn't easy Willa and you're going to need not only the friends around to help you out, but that money will come in handy."

"You think I can't do it on my own?" Emotion was high in her voice. "If you're going to be that way I won't be needing you to be around anymore. I can't have you acting like that around me."

"Calm down," Spanky said. He reached over and took her hand. "I love you Willa, I do, and I'm not going to try to hold you back from what you want to do."

Willa watched him and tried to believe that she could trust him. She hadn't been able to trust many people lately. After the whole deal with Billie she was a little weary of anyone or anything that hadn't been around her since she was little. Only her mother and her father seemed to be truly trustworthy.

*****

"Billie! Tre! Mike!"

Feeling somehow overwhelmed by the attention that morning, the screams and waving arms and flashes from cameras, Billie pushed his sunglasses higher on his face. He'd gotten dressed that morning quickly, putting on jeans and a T-shirt that he wasn't sure was clean, but he knew he'd be able to change soon.

"Billie!" Someone screamed next to him and he flinched.

He didn't normally like to ignore the fans, but he had things on his mind and he didn't need to deal with the teenagers that lined the route from the bus to the door of the hotel. He probably looked ridiculous going into the hotel wearing the glasses in the morning when the sun wasn't even up, but he needed the barrier between the girls waiting outside and himself.

He needed some time away from all of it, even if it was just for a few minutes. He'd been thinking about it and he knew that after the tour was over he needed a long vacation. He knew it would be impossible, but he hatched a plan as he walked along and tried to think of someplace he could escape to where he wouldn't have to deal with anyone for a while.

At one point an arm came out and grabbed at his jacket. He felt like decking the girl who'd reached out to him, but instead plastered a smile on his face and paused a second so that she could push the button and capture him on her camera.

He wondered why a person would want a picture of him looking horrible and out of sorts. He wouldn't have ever wanted to take a picture of anyone he admired looking like he looked at that moment.

Once inside the pressure of the moment subsided a little just like the noise that was held back by the glass doors that led outside. The few members of the hotel staff stared at the group as they walked over to the elevators. He had a feeling that all