How to Date Alex Gaskarth

The phone echoed throughout my small apartment, startling me awake. I glanced over at my alarm clock to see that it was six in the morning. Who would bother calling me at such an indecent hour? I groaned and rolled out of bed slowly, making my way up the hall to the kitchen. I couldn’t afford a fancy cordless phone, and my home phone was an ancient piece of shit still attached to the wall.

I ripped it from the wall and held it to my ear. I bit down on my lip to stop myself from abusing the inconsiderate caller with many colourful profanities.

“Hello?” I managed to choke out, my voice thick with sleep.

“Hello, is Evan Murray available?” The female voice that came across the line was much too upbeat for my liking.

“Speaking,” I sighed, leaning against the kitchen wall. I looked over at the mess in front of the kitchen, in the living room. Jase was passed out on the couch; his arm flopped over the side. Emahlie was sleeping on the floor, drool coming out of her mouth. Jase began to snore loudly and I stifled my laugh, not wanting to wake them.

The night before had been wild. The party didn’t stop until the early hours of the morning and my apartment was officially trashed. All of the guests had stumbled home at some point, apart from my two best friends, Jase and Emahlie.

Jase was my roommate, and I’d met him at the university a few years before. We were both in the same sort of field. I was studying Art and he was studying Architecture. From the moment we met, we were instantly best friends. We had a lot of things in common, but still started fights about stupid little things. It had only gotten worse since we’d moved in together. I was always telling him off about his dirty living habits, and he was always telling me off for telling him off. People always said we acted like a goddamn married couple.

Emahlie was an out-of-towner. Grew up on some farm far from any sort of city-living. New York City was kind of terrifying for her, and Jase and I had been quick to somewhat ‘adopt’ her and show her the ropes. Living in New York City could be daunting for people at first, but it wasn’t that bad once you got used to it. Course, Jase and I were biased. He’d grown up here and I was from Seattle. We were used to life in the fast lane.

It seemed I was always in trouble, too. Always the one to get caught out. Innocent most of the time, too. It wasn’t like I had a criminal record or anything. I was much too smart for that. My mother reckoned I could be featured in one of those science magazines for the ‘next greatest young mind’ or some shit like that. She’d been so disappointed when I blew off an academic career to study Art. Reckoned being an artist wasn’t a ‘real job’.

I told her to get fucked, and naturally, that didn’t go down so well. I’d never got along very well with my Mum, and my Dad had walked out on us when I was ten. I guess I should’ve cut her some slack, but it was my life, not hers.

“Congratulations!” The over-enthusiastic voice chirped over the phone line, dragging me back to the present. I’d been so caught up in my nostalgic patheticness that I’d completely missed what she’d said.

“What?” I snapped. “Did I win the lottery or something?”

“No! You’ve made it through to the next round!”

“The next round of what?” I asked, completely confused.

“How To Date Alex Gaskarth!” The phone attendant said cheerily.

Fuck.

“There’s got to be some mistake,” I said, insistent. “There’s no way.”

“Are you Evan Murray? Art student from New York City?”

“Yeah,” I said hesitantly.

“Then there’s no mistake! Congratulations!”

I rolled my eyes and banged my head against the wall. This is not happening, this is not happening, this is not happening... I told myself over and over, bashing my head against the wall at regular intervals.

The phone attendant babbled on with the details, telling me where to go and when. I was only half listening, my head filling up with a million different thoughts. Jase and Emahlie would get a real kick out of it. They were the ones that had dared me to audition for the goddamn show. I didn’t even like Alex Gaskarth. Personally, I thought he was an over-paid musician who was on the verge of selling out. He was arrogant, and totally annoying. There was no way he and I could be compatible in any universe.

Apparently, he disagreed. Why? I had absolutely no idea.

How the hell had I made it through to the next round? Why the hell did Alex freaking Gaskarth want me living in a house with him and a dozen other airheads? Why? Why? Why?

It was too much to take. I wouldn’t last long. I was sure that after just a few short days in the house with the other girls, I’d lose it. I’d hit somebody or scream. I was sure that that’s what the producers of the show would like. The audiences would love it. But there was no way I was going to fall in love with Alex freaking Gaskarth.

No way.

I said goodbye and hung up after scribbling down the details onto the kitchen countertop with a random piece of chalk. There’d been no time to look around for paper and a pen, and the chalk was within reach, sitting on top of the counter. I’d never been organised at all, really, and it showed. My apartment was a mess, mostly due to the party the previous night, but it was almost as bad as it’s current state when it was ‘clean’.

Jase left his clothes everywhere, and I was so busy with my education and my job at a coffee shop that I didn’t have time to clean. Jase once called our apartment ‘orgainised chaos’. I smiled at the memory, before making my way over to the couch. I leant down to Jase’s ear and took in a deep breath.

“Jase! You asshole!” I screamed into his ear. He jolted awake immediately and fell off the couch in shock.

“What happened? Who’s dead?” He stuttered, confused.

“I made it through! Why did you make me audition for that stupid show!” I yelled at him. A slow smile spread across Jase’s face and he raised his eyebrows at me.

“You get to live with Alex Gaskarth. I don’t see the problem here,” he said.

“Alex Gaskarth is the problem,” I said angrily.

“You need to sort out your priorities,” Jase said with a laugh, running his hand through his messy brown hair.

“So, when do you leave?” Jase asked me after a moment.

“This afternoon,” I said with a pout. Jase laughed and made his way through the mess of empty plastic drinking cups and bottles that littered the floor to my room. He pulled the suitcase out from under my bed and opened my closet, tossing various items of clothing into the suitcase. I sat on the edge of my bed and watched him work, thinking of just how much I loathed Alex Gaskarth.

“I don’t even like him,” I complained. “I never wanted to be on the show. It was all a stupid joke, remember? A dare? Nothing serious? This is ridiculous.”

“Maybe he likes feisty women,” Jase said with a smirk. I reached behind me for a pillow and tossed it at him. He caught it easily and tossed it back. “Easy there, tiger,” he said, the smirk still present on his face.

Later, at the airport, Jase and Emahlie said their goodbyes. Emahlie hadn’t stopped talking about how gorgeous Alex was since she’d found out. She was the one that loved him so much, but she didn’t have the lady balls to audition herself. Me? I never turned down a dare. Jase gave me a quick hug before holding me at arm’s length, examining my face.

“Give ‘em hell, kid,” he said with a smile.

I returned his smile before saying goodbye for the last time to both him and Emahlie and boarding the plane. I reached Baltimore in no time at all and caught a cab to the hotel where I’d be staying the night before I was taken to the mansion – something I wasn’t looking forward to. What if they made me share a room with an unintelligent airhead? A stupid blonde who was only interested in Alex for the money? For their fifteen minutes of fame on a lame-ass TV show? I shuddered at the thought.

Yes, I thought Alex was an ass, but no one deserved to be used. I hoped none of the girls would hurt him. I didn’t count on sticking around for long enough to do so. I had a bulletproof heart. I’d been hurt before, and I’d built my walls. No one was getting in, at least, not if I had anything to do with it.

I would not fall in love with Alex Gaskarth. I wouldn’t be taken in by his good looks, his killer smile, his easy charm. I would not be easily fooled. We’d have nothing to talk about. We were from different worlds.

He was the King of his – raking in the cash and landing the girls. World famous and adored by many. I was the opposite. I struggled to pay the rent and hadn’t had a boyfriend in years. I lived in a tiny apartment with my best friend and hardly anybody knew my name. I was anonymous. Why had mine and Alex’s worlds suddenly collided? Why was this happening to me? I didn’t believe in fate or destiny or any of that voodoo shit. I was a strict realist.

I was nothing like Alex Gaskarth.

After thinking this over for a while, I came to a startling realisation. Alex and I did have something in common, after all.

We were both heart breakers.