Let's See What You're Not

Mark

He’s been blanking me all day and there’s nothing I can do about it. I feel horrible. I know how much Shim hates any form of body contact, so why the hell did I kiss him? I'm an idiot. He probably thinks I'm disgusting or something now. He’s not into guys either, it’s obvious, so he’ll not only hate me for kissing him, but he’ll hate me for being a guy and kissing him. I can’t believe I took advantage of the situation like that, though! He was upset!

At the time, the moment did feel perfect. The build up felt perfect. His lips were perfect. He didn't want me anywhere near him, though and I doubt he’ll ever talk to me again. I’ve seen him around school and trust me when I say this, I’ve tried. I wanted to talk to him so much but I could tell he wasn't in the mood for it.

If we ever talk this out, we’d have to be on our own. He won’t do it somewhere public like this; especially not at school where everyone’s judging him already.

Sorting the kiss thing out isn't the only reason I want to speak to him. I'm not that selfish. I want to know how the shelter is for him. My dad told me that they took him there last night and apparently he wouldn’t go easily, but Shim never does anything the easy way. Dad didn't tell me exactly how they convinced him to go, but I knew they must’ve done something big to get him there. I’ve noticed that when he has his mind set on not doing something, he won’t do it. Shim’s mind is hard to change.

“Smile,” Emma said to me, sounding desperate.

I shook my head at her, slamming my head against the locker.

It’s lunchtime now and he still hasn’t spoken to me. I suppose I do understand why he doesn't want to, though. Maybe things will go back to how they used to be, back before he knew I existed.

It was easy to crush on him back then because I didn't do stupid things like kiss him. I never got the chance to before we started talking. I’ve loved getting to know him better lately, though. I admit that I don’t know a lot about his life, but I know him. I can tell when he’s in a mood and I can work out when something’s bothering him. I know how he reacts in different situations and... I’m in too deep with him. We pretty much slept together when we were squashed up in that sleeping bag. As well as all that, I saved his life.

“I don't like seeing you like this,” Emma told me with a frown. “Tell me what’s going on and I’ll speak to him.”

“I didn't say it was about him,” I muttered to her, but then I realised I was acting like an ass. It’s not Emma’s fault that I'm stupid and pushed him out of the ‘friend stage’. I kissed him! What’s wrong with me? Love? “I'm sorry, Emma. I just feel like an idiot right now.”

“What did you do?” she asked, looking worried.

God this is embarrassing. We’re sat in the cafeteria, but no one’s going to pay attention to my conversations, so I'm alright talking about it here.

“Kissed him,” I whispered, trying to hide the blush on my face.

“Mark,” Emma cooed. “You’re so cute.”

I shook my head at her. I'm dumb, not cute. Nothing about what I did yesterday could be described as cute. Last night was pathetic. I just stared out my window looking at the pier, wishing he was there so I could go talk to him. He wasn't though and if he was I wouldn't have had the guts to go over there and start explaining myself. What would I say to him? I'm sorry I kissed you would sound stupid because, yes, I'm sorry that he didn't want it and I took advantage of him, but overall, I'm not sorry for the kiss in itself. I wanted to kiss him. I just shouldn’t have done it.

“How did he react?” Emma asked me.

“He ran off,” I told her straight away. “He won’t talk to me, Emma. I’ve tried but... Nothing’s working.”

When Shim makes his mind up; that’s it. We all know that. If he doesn't want to talk to me, then he’ll never do it. It probably won’t take him long to forgot that I ever existed. To him, I was never a part of his life.

“He’s got a lot going on right now, maybe his mind’s elsewhere at the moment,” she explained to me. “I know he likes you, Mark. He’s a complete ass, but he’s nice to you; just you. That has to mean something.”

“If he likes me, why won’t he talk to me?”

Emma bit her lip before smirking at me.

“He’s scared,” she told me, making me laugh. He’s not scared. What’s there to be scared of? “He’s not ready to commit to another man. Plus, he’s dealing with a lot of shit now, so he wants to sort that out to take his mind off him being, ya know, gay.”

I gave her a sceptical look. I’ve never properly thought about Shim’s sexuality. It feels weird to think about it now. I never thought that he’d like me back until recently, so until then, it didn't matter if he was interested in men or not. What if he does like me? If Emma’s right...I seriously have no idea what I'm meant to do. I'm hopeless at all this relationship stuff.

“What do I do then?” I asked her.

“Nothing for now,” she told me. “Give it a day or two for him to sort his head out, then you can talk to him.”

I nodded at her. I can wait a few days.

“What do I say when I do talk to him? I have no clue what I'm doing, Em,” I moaned, burying my head into my hands.

This sucks so much.

“Anything.” She laughed. “Start by just talking about music or something. You both do that.”

“Yeah,” I agreed. “I can do that; I will do that.”

She grinned at me.

“Good.”

Emma and I fell into more casual conversations then, but we got interrupted when Kent walked over to our table. It was weird to see him by our table because usually all of the hockey guys sit on a table on their own and don't mix with other people. I guess I am on the team, but I'm not exactly welcome there by everyone. Kent doesn't seem to mind me, though.

“Alright, Goodwin?” Kent asked me, plonking his body down opposite me and Emma.

The rest of our table gave him a weird look, because, well, we’re the outcast table. People like Kent Standings don’t usually sit with us.

“I'm good, thanks,” I told him, not knowing what else I could say.

Other than Casper, Kent seems to be the only nice guy on the hockey team; he’s nice to me, anyway.

“Hey Emma,” he said, waving smoothly in her direction.

I couldn’t help smirking then. Emma has a crush on Kent and now he’s paying attention to her; how cute is that? She was blushing a little bit, but I knew Emma would be fine because she’s better at hiding things like that than me.

“Oh, hey, Kent.” She smiled at him.

They totally just had a moment.

“Casper wanted me to tell you there’s a game on Friday and you’re playing,” he told me. “We’re gonna kick some serious ass out there.” he laughed.

“I bet you are.” Emma smirked. “You’re free on Friday, right?”

“Yeah, I can play.”

“Good, because I was gonna force you to come even if you had plans.” He grinned before turning to Emma. “Are you free too?”

I raised an eyebrow. This is getting interesting.

“Yeah.” She grinned, showing her teeth and looking happier than I’d seen her in a while. “Why? Do you want me to come?”

“Of course! Mark needs his number one fan there,” he told her, making me frown. He just wants her there so she can cheer me on. It’s a nice thought, but not what I hoped he was hinting at. “Plus, erm, I thought we could hang out after. Do you want to?”

Did Kent just ask Emma out? Okay, wow! That’s what I was waiting for! I know I'm bad with relationships, but even I can tell that he just asked her on a date. I'm so happy for her. And jealous. At least someone has some sort of love life... I'm more happy than jealous, though. Emma’s amazing; she deserves someone good.

“Erm, y-yeah. I’d love that,” she told him, acting as calm as she could.

“Cool, I can’t wait til Friday,” he told us before going back over to his usual table.

Emma and I looked at each other and grinned.

“Did that just happen?” she asked me with a huge smile on her face.

“Damn right it did!” I laughed. “Look at you! You’ll probably have a hot boyfriend by the end of the week,” I told her.

“Do you really think that?”

“Of course! And I thought I was dumb. Kent so likes you.”

“I hope so,” she whispered to me, biting her lip.

This is amazing news. Knowing that Emma’s going to have someone has brightened my day so much.

“I’ll try talking to Shim for you in maths. I'm sure you two will sort everything out.”

I really hope Emma’s right.

When I got home, I was in a bad mood again. I saw Shim before school finished and he completely blanked me again! I know Emma has a pretty good idea about why he’s doing it and I understand that, but that doesn't mean it’s not hard for me. I keep on seeing him and I'm not able to talk to him. I want to so much but he won’t let me. It’s really starting to piss me off.

I should just talk to him. I could force him to listen to me. The only problem with all that is that if he’s not ready yet and I force it on him, he’ll end up hating me even more. Why is he so difficult?!

Usually it’s mum who’s at home when I get in, but for some reason it was dad today. It was weird to be greeted by him.

“Why are you here?” I asked in a harsh voice, unable to hide the emotions I was feeling.

“It’s nice to see you, too.” Dad laughed at me. “I took the day off after yesterday.” I frowned then, he still hasn’t told me what happened yesterday, he just said that my friend really stressed him out. “Why isn't Emma here? Emma’s always here.”

A small smile came onto my lips then. He’s right about Emma always being here.

“She’s just spending time with her granddad,” I told him, trying to act like I'm in a better mood. “Kent Standings asked her out today.”

“Nice, hockey, Kent?” he asked, trying to remember the conversation we had after my first hockey match.

“Yeah, that’s the one.”

“Well that’s nice.” He smiled at me. “You’re still doing the hockey, aren’t you?”

I nodded at him. Dad and I haven’t had a proper conversation in a while. It’s good to talk to him, even though I do feel really awkward doing it.

“I’ve got a match on Friday,” I answered, but then changed the subject to something that’s been bothering me all day. “Look, dad, was Shim alright when you saw him yesterday?”

“Yeah,” he answered quickly, too quickly. “Why?”

I stared down at the floor. Do I really want to talk about him with my dad? He told me I could come to him whenever I have boy troubles, but I'm not sure if he meant that or not. He might’ve just said it to make me feel good, at the time.

He’s my dad. Maybe he can help.

“He’s not talking to me,” I told him, refusing to look up at dad in case he looked like he didn't want this type of conversation.

“He’s got a lot going on, Mark,” dad reminded me. It’s not as if everyone else has said that exact same thing to me already... I know things are pretty messed up for him and all that, but I told him I’d help with all that. Now he’s not letting me even talk to him. “I don’t know him well, but he needs friends. Don’t let him push you away because he needs people to support him right now. He’s having a really hard time and things are worse than I ever thought they were.”

I nodded my head at him.

“How do I support him if he won’t let me talk to him? He walks out when I walk into rooms and he avoids me in the corridors. He completely blanks me, dad!” I told him, doing my best not to cry over this. I was feeling emotional, but I didn't want to embarrass myself like that in front of my dad.

“Let him know you’re there. Sometimes, people push away the people they care about most, you know that.” I nodded at him. I do know that.

“It’s more complicated, though,” I told him. “I... I kinda messed up our friendship,” I whispered.

“I'm sure you didn't.”

Dad loves to see the best in me, but the truth is that it’s my fault things are so messed up between me and Shim.

“I kissed him,” I whispered.

Dad didn't say anything then. The silence made me feel even more ashamed of myself.

“Why, Mark?” he asked me, sounding really disappointed in me.

“I thought he wanted me to!” I told him as my lip starting to shake.

Dad shook his head at me.
“You’ll have to talk to him about it,” he sighed. “I can’t guarantee that he’d understand though.” Dad frowned. “I can’t believe you’d do that, Mark.”

“I know,” I whispered.

“Does he... Does he like you?” I shrugged my shoulders awkwardly. How the hell would I know? “He acts like he does around you,” dad mumbled, “in my opinion, at least.”

“Thanks, dad.” Thank you.

Dad has no idea how much I want Shim to like me back. It would mean everything.