Forever & Always.

The dark streets of Belleville, New Jersey had never looked so beautiful. They seemed to sparkle under the moonlight and the pouring rain. The taxi Frank and I were sitting in zoomed by all the familiar stores and houses, everything was the same, but at the same time, different. Things had been repainted and I didn’t remember some of the graffiti that covered the walls, but overall, it was the same old Belleville. My fingers traced pictures on the fogged up car windows and I felt like a teen all over again.
I’d never even considered the idea that I may, one day, return to America. I’d thought I’d left that part of my life in my past and that I’d never have to face that pain again. Never have to face the rejection I’d felt when Gerard had forgotten all about me whilst he went gallivanting around the country.

“This is crazy,” I laughed softly as I continued to traced hearts all over the window. My eyes focused on the patches of street I could see through the foggy glass.

“What is?” Frank asked and I could hear him move on the squeaky leather seat so that he was facing my back as I still didn’t turn away from the window.

“This.” I replied simply, my hand indicating the scenery speeding past outside the warm car. “I never thought I’d be back here. Never even considered it. I guess it just doesn’t seem real yet.”

His hand found mine in the dimly lit taxi and held it tightly, his thumb rubbing soothing circles on the back of my hand, “It’s gonna be okay C. Everything is gonna start falling back into place now, I promise.”



My reunion with Toni was, as I had predicted, emotional. My hands were shaking as I carried my suitcase up the long driveway, nothing that the garden had been changed with new trees and flowers along the edge. Frank stood beside me as I reached up one hand and knocked lightly on the door, almost too light for anyone to hear. But, obviously my aunt had heard the light tapping, because soon I could hear her infamous skyscraper heels clicking on the floor of the hallway as she came towards the door.

“Oh Ciara!” She exclaimed as she swung open the door, her voice choked by the tears that were running down her face.

“Hey Toni,” I laughed a little and pulled her in for a hug. My aunt was one of my favourite people in the entire world and it had been too long since I had seen her.

“I’ve missed you hon,” She mumbled in my ear as she continued to embrace me, not caring that she was standing on her porch step in only her pyjamas, getting soaked by the teeming rain.

“Missed you too.”

The sound of someone clearing their throat made us break apart and I looked behind my aunt to see her husband Austin standing there, a look of disgust on his face. He saw me looking at him and quickly schooled his features into an emotionless mask.

“Nice to see you Ciara,” He tried to smile at me but it turned out looking more like a grimace.

I nodded awkwardly, “You too Austin.”

He hated me and I hated him. For some reason I had never gotten along with Toni’s husband. Maybe it was because when I moved her as a grief-stricken teenager he had tried to be a father figure in my life and ruled my life. He had pushed me, tried to be a figure of authority in my life when all I needed was someone who could be like a friend to me in my time of need. Over time I had begun to despise him, resulting in many fights between us and causing tension in his and Toni’s relationship.

Noticing the awkwardness hovering over us all Frank suggested that he and I bring my stuff up to the room I would be staying in whilst I stayed in Belleville. Toni agreed and told me to head up to my old room. Frank, being the ever helpful friend, carried my case upstairs and to my room. I grasped the cold door handle and twisted it and pushed, letting it open at its own pace.
The first thing I noticed was that Toni hadn’t changed a thing in the room. Everything was in the exact same place I had left it, including the various drawings Gerard had done for me that I had pinned to the wall just above my bed. I pulled them down and shoved them into the drawer of my bedside locker. I didn’t want have to deal with the conflicting emotions I felt every time I even glanced at something that reminded me of him.

Frank just stared at me while I tore down the pieces of paper but said nothing and, for that, I was grateful. I didn’t need him judging me right now, I just needed to get used to the whole being back in Jersey thing. I needed to prepare myself for meeting the rest of my old best friends so that I didn’t freak out on them.

“Hey, you wanna come for a walk or something?” Frank suddenly asked as he placed my suitcase on the floor next to my wardrobe. He stood awkwardly next to it and kept looking awkwardly over his shoulder as if afraid Austin would come barging in at any second. It was no secret that my uncle hated all my old Jersey friends, claiming they were a ‘bad influence’ on me.

I nodded, “Yeah, sure. Let me just grab a coat.” I walked over to the bag that lay beside Frank and rooted through it until I found a hoody that would at least keep me somewhat warm in the rain even if it didn’t keep me dry. I put it on letting the sleeves fall past my fingertips and smiled over at my friend, “Let’s go.”

Isn’t crazy how little a place can change, even after years of being away from it? Together, Frank and I made our way down familiar streets dodging puddles and ducking under shop awnings to keep out of the worst of the rain. We were cold and wet, but happy. If I’m honest, it was the happiest I’d been in a long time.

In the distance I recognised the familiar blue painted coffee shop, the one that had started it all. The one where I had first met Gerard and thus sparked our friendship that had led to so much more. We approached the familiar building and I noticed that the paint was not as bright as it had once been.

“Is this place still open?” I asked as I pressed my face up against the glass in an attempt to see inside, but all I could make out were the shadowy outlines of tables and chairs.

“I dunno,” Frank answered, stepping closer to me so he could try to see what was inside too. “It’s been a while since I’ve been down here. Too many memories, y’know?”

Sometimes I forgot that Frank had been hurt by my disappearance. I just assumed that he had coped fine with it, that I hadn’t been all that important to him anyway. But then he’d say something like that and I’d remember how I’d hurt him.
I pulled him into a hug and held him extra tight to make up for the rain that was ruining our embrace. He sniffled and I knew that he was crying, so I held him in my arms until he was okay once more.

“C, I think you need to meet the guys tomorrow,” He said decisively when he pulled back out of my arms. “It’s been far too long and if they find out I’ve been hiding you away they’ll kill me,” He tried to chuckle but it sounded off and caught a bit in his throat.

He was right. It was time to meet the guys again. I couldn’t keep hiding from them forever. I just hoped it would go okay.

“Sure. When and where?”

“Uhm…my house at about two?”

I laughed, “You still live with your parents?”

A light pink dusted his cheeks as he nodded and scratched the back of his neck awkwardly, “Uh, yeah. I’m never home long enough to look for a place.”

“Well that’s another thing we’ll do while I’m here, ‘kay?”

He nodded and, with hands entwined once more, we headed back towards my aunt’s house. In many ways I was dreading tomorrow, terrified of the reactions I would get from the likes of Gerard, but in another way, I was looking forward to it, excited even. I was looking forward to giving Ray back his hoody, even if he didn’t want it anymore. I wanted to sit down with Mikey and talk about comics and our favourite superhero movies, and then point out stupid mistakes within them. It was going to be awesome to sit down with Bob and just talk like we used to, I always loved the fact that I could get Bob to open up to me more than he did to the guys. But, most of all, I was looking forward to meeting Gerard again for the first time in too many years. We were going to sit down and talk, hopefully resulting in us being friends once more. That’s all I could hope for.