Forever & Always.

I rubbed a hand over my eyes as I tried to stay awake while watching an episode of Criminal Minds. My mind kept wandering though, and it was near impossible to follow the storyline. Thoughts of Ciara kept swirling through my mind. That’s all that had been going through my mind since she had come back into my life. Every day was spent thinking of her and how I was so madly in love with her and could do nothing about it. She had moved on from our old relationship. She had gotten involved with an abusive guy and although that relationship was over now I doubted she’d want anything to do with me. Our relationship was in the past and all she needed now was for me to be her friend. It wasn’t what I wanted but I was willing to do it if it meant I got to keep her in my life.

A gunshot sounded in the show and I almost jumped out of my seat. I was really out of it, my eyes dropping from lack of sleep. The nightmares plagued me almost every night now and were making sleep near impossible. I needed a distraction.
My phone buzzed on the coffee table in front of me and I grabbed it, a smile on my face.

1 New Message: Bert (:
‘Sup fucktard? You home? Me and the guys are heading to a club in Newark tonight. You in? Call me if you are. ;) Xo

The smile on my face grew as I took in the message. A night out with Bert and the rest of his band would be the perfect distraction, exactly what I needed.
My thumb hit the green call button and I put the speaker to my ear, waiting for the other man to pick up.

“Gerard!” He exclaimed loudly and I pulled the phone away from my ear so as to avoid being deafened. “How goes it?”

“Hey Bert,” I greeted the already drunk sounded man. “S’all good, how about you?”

“Good, good. So you got my text then?”

I stood up from the couch, cracking my back in the process, “Yup. Where you guys headed?”

He named some club in Newark that I’d never hear of and gave me directions. After that he hung up, Bert was never one to make small talk. My phone buzzed again just after I put it down and I saw the name Mikey flash across the screen. Sighing, I ignored the call and walked down to my room. I didn’t want to talk to my brother right now. He’d just ask about my plans for the evening and if he found out about me hanging out with Bert he’d be pissed. To say they didn’t like each other would be an understatement. Mikey believed that Bert was a bad influence on me and Bert felt that Mikey was like an overprotective mother despite being the younger of the two of us. You couldn’t leave the two of them in a room alone or they’d probably try to kill one another. It really was best that I ignored my brother’s call.



I strutted into the loud club the couple of drinks I’d had beforehand giving me a stronger sense of confidence than if I had been sober. Scanning the room I spotted a familiar black-haired man and I headed straight towards him.

“Hey Bert,” I shouted in his ear over the music.

He turned to me, an infectious grin on his face, “Gerarrrrd!” In his highly intoxicated state he dragged out the second r in my name. “I’ve missed you buddyyyy!”

I laughed; Bert was a fun drunk, always up for a good time. He was the perfect distraction from everything going on in my life, “Missed you too dude.”

Together we headed to the bar and bought drinks – mine was a Jack and coke. I downed the drink and ordered another before wandering into the crowds of people, hoping that the alcohol would make its affects know soon so I could forget all my problems.
I ran into some guy on the dance floor who claimed to know me and then offered me some pills “on the house, ‘cos we’re buds y’know?”

Naturally, I took them. I swallowed two of the little white pills and took a deep swig of my drink to wash them down. With ecstasy in my system I felt like I could talk on the world. Everything seemed a million times better and I could finally rid my mind of thoughts of her .

On the dance floor, people grinded against me and I returned the gesture. There were sweaty bodies all around me. Some people recognised me and tried to make a move one me but I declined.

I headed back to the bar and ran into Bert once more. He was a lot drunker than I was and had his usual crazy grin on his face. As I passed by he wrapped an arm around my shoulder, pulling me into his side.

“This is amazing!" He yelled over the sounds of Avenged Sevenfold.

I nodded my head and pulled away, continuing on my way to the bar. The young barman serves me and I down two shots of Jägermeister in quick succession. I feel someone come up behind me and wrap their arms around my waist.

“You ass looks real good in those jeans,” Bert’s familiar voice purred into my ear and he began nibbling on my neck.

My lips let an involuntary moan pass them and I arch into the grungy man’s touch. I hadn’t been with anyone in so long. I was so alone. Bert continued to kiss down my neck and I turned in his arms to face him, feeling somewhat unsteady on my feet with the extra alcohol in my system. His lips found mine and I eagerly returned the kiss. This was exactly the distraction I needed; I knew it was a good idea to hang out with Bert.

“Wanna come back to my hotel room?” Bert asked as he nibbled on my earlobe, his hands making their way down my body, teasing the bottom of my t-shirt.

All logic had abandoned me and my alcohol driven lust took over. I moaned loudly and nodded my head. In that moment I needed him, needed to be loved even if just for a night.



A light streaming through a crack in the curtains wakes me up. I scrunch up my eyes and wonder why my mom had opened the curtains. Realisation hits me as I open my eyes and see that the room I was in wasn’t my basement bedroom in my parent’s house. I was lying on a double bed in some swanky hotel room with an arm wrapped securely around my waist.
Turning slightly a pain shot up my backside and I knew what must’ve happened last night.

Looking to my side I saw none other than Bert McCracken, fast asleep with a smile on his face. I’d done it again. I’d let Bert fuck me so I’d feel less alone in the world, so I could pretend that someone loved me.

I shut my eyes tightly and fought back the tears of self-loathing that wanted to spill out. This had to stop. I didn’t love Bert and I never would. The lustful sex we had was never going to become anything more and I was hurting Bert by letting him think it could.

“You’re so fucking stupid Gerard!” I muttered softly, hating myself more than ever.

Checking the alarm clock on the bedside cabinet I saw that it was after two in the afternoon. I really needed to get home.
I climbed quietly out of the large bed, making sure that I didn’t disturb Bert even when I had to remove his arm from around my waist. My clothes were strewn all over the room and I tentatively collected them all, trying to ignore the pain in my rear. Everything was found but my boxers. I spotted them caught under Bert’s leg but I decided against trying to get them. Instead I just pulled on everything else and made a quick escape from the hotel room. This routine had become all too familiar. Every time Bert was in town I’d let him fuck me and then run out on him before he could suggest us becoming anything more. I hated myself for it. My life had become such a nightmare.