Forever & Always.

I flipped through the stack of t-shirts at the back of the once familiar store. I had missed Hot Topic whilst living in Ireland; it was one of the only shops I really missed. The Irish people are deprived of it. I was flicking through a load of stuff on a sale rack when a red t-shirt in the far corner of the store suddenly caught my eye. It was a My Chemical Romance one – a red skinny fit with bullets across it and My Chemical Romance written on top. Above the image were the words: “ I don’t need your friends I’ve got my own ” – I had to have it.

Picking the shirt up, I saw it was a medium – just my size. It was like it was meant to be. This t-shirt was the first item of MCR clothing that I was going to buy. There had never been a reason to before now. But now, with my five best friends back in my life, I wanted to show them how much they were appreciated. I was such a sap.

I began wandering aimlessly around the store once more. There was nothing in particular that I really needed, I just wanted to get out of Toni’s house for a bit, even after all this time Austin still didn’t like me much, no matter what I did to try and please him. As I strolled around, picking up random things that seemed interesting I could feel the shop assistant’s eyes following me, not trusting me to pay for the t-shirt I held in my hand. I sighed and, rolling my eyes, headed towards the register not wanting to deal with her glares any longer.

I placed the shirt on the counter and smiled faintly at the teenage girl with the face full of piercings, “Hey.”

“Is that all ma’am?” She asked in an almost bored tone while her eyes still maintained her fierce glare. Her lips smacked as she chewed gum. It was obvious she wanted me gone from the store as soon as possible.

“Yeah, just this please.”

She nodded and scanned the item. It came to just over ten dollars and, as I was searching in my bag for my purse, I heard a vaguely familiar voice.

“Ciara Johnson? Is that you?”

Instinctively I turned around and was met by a grinning blonde man. It took me a minute to realise who he was, realisation only hitting when I saw the familiar sparkling green eyes.

“Lucas?” I asked, my face forming a huge grin as he nodded in response.

He smiled back and pulled me into a hug. I wrapped my arms around his waist and caught the familiar whiff of coffee grounds from his shirt. If I could’ve, I would’ve stayed like that forever, but of course, that doesn’t happen. The young girl behind the register interrupted our embrace with a loud cough followed by a muttered, “ Hurry the fuck up !”

Lucas and I pulled away regretfully and I paid for my MCR shirt. As soon as the moody girl had handed me my change and the black plastic bag Lucas grabbed my hand and dragged me out of the shop, his obvious excitement barely contained.

“When did you get back?” He asked as we made our way through the mall.

A woman with two children was walking towards us, too wrapped up in giving out to her kids that she didn’t see us. I quickly side-stepped her, letting go of Lucas’s hand to do so, and retaking it once we had passed her. He looked at me, still waiting for an answer.

My face scrunched up as I thought about it, “About a week and a half, I think.” The days had already begun to blend together. It felt like I had always been in Jersey. “I’m not sure though.”

He smiled fondly at me and, in that moment, I saw how much older he looked than me and all the My Chem guys. The corners of his eyes were creased with the beginnings of crow’s feet and he had obvious laughter lines around his mouth. I wanted to ask him what was wrong but knew it’d seem rude seeing as we had just been reunited. It’s not like I could just say, “ Jesus, Luke, you look real old! ” I’m pretty sure I would have offended him.

Instead I just returned his smile and let him lead me to a bench in the centre of the mall. We sat together and he began talking to me about the last few years and all the things that I had missed.

Luke now owned the coffee shop he used to just work in. The owner, Matthew Doyle, passed away last year. He had no family so he left his business to Lucas. My old friend was delighted. His eyes sparkled when he told me of all the changes he had made to the place.

“But I kept your hidden corner,” He smiled sadly. “I always hoped you’d come back and sit there like you always used to. I’m lame like that.”

I giggled a little and took his hand that lay on the bench in my own, squeezing it tightly, “I’m sorry I left.”

He shook his head, that beautiful grin on his face again, “Don’t apologise Ciara, I get it. You felt betrayed by Gerard. He left you here while he went off and followed his dreams.”

My eyes widened and I gaped at the blonde man sitting beside me. I never even told him that I was leaving, how did he know my reasons for doing so? “W-what?”

A deep chuckle escaped his mouth and he shook his head, “You really need to give me more credit Ciara. I’m not blind.” He looked away from my face, focusing his gaze on his feet as he scuffed his purple Vans against the ground, leaving black rubber marks on the floor, “I always knew that Gerard was the reason you left. After he went on tour you used to come into the shop and I’d struggle to get any form of conversation out of you – especially when it came to My Chemical Romance or Gerard. I hated seeing you that way but I never said anything, I always thought it was none of my business.”

He looked so sad that I reached out and hugged him, holding him close and telling him that it was all okay, it was all in that past. After we pulled away, we swapped numbers and promised to meet up again soon.

“I’ll stop by soon,” I assured him with a smile and gave him one last hug before we parted ways.



For the rest of the afternoon I was in a great mood. The longer I stayed in Jersey and the more people from my past that I ran into, the more I realised how much I had missed the place. I had forgotten how Belleville had become my home when I lived there before.

I was in such a good mood that I decided to buy all five guys stupid gifts. For Ray I picked up a Lion cuddly toy because the wild mane reminded me of his unruly hair that was his trademark feature. For Mikey I found a black t-shirt that said: “ Genius by birth, Slacker by choice ” as I knew he’d find it funny. Bob was a little bit more difficult to shop for but I eventually bought him a giant bag of gummi-bears along that I reckoned would keep him going until Christmas. For Frankie it was easy, I bought him a plastic tiara because, when I saw it, I was reminded of the time the two of us went shopping for Gerard’s eighteenth and we bought a load of the cheap silvery crowns that we made everyone wear at the party. I also picked him up two huge bags of Skittles because it wouldn’t be a present for Frankie unless it involved the brightly coloured candy. A smile spread across my face as I pictured the look that would be on Bob’s and Ray’s faces when they had to deal with a hyped up Frank, they never knew what to do.

Gerard was a lot harder to buy for; he was fussier that the others and I guess I also wanted to please him. I wanted our friendship to return to the easy one we had as teenagers. His drinking and drug abuse was still keeping us apart. I didn’t want anything to do with that behaviour but I hoped that by showing him how we could still be friends he may stop with it all. At least, that was what was I was trying to do. I didn’t want my ex-boyfriend and old best friend dying at young age due to something stupid like that.
I was wandering around the local art shop when I spotted the perfect gift. It was a beautiful, leather bound sketch book. The black leather soft to the touch and the pages a rich creamy colour. I knew he’d love it. I grabbed a nice set of pencils in a metal tin and was done. It was, quite possibly, the greatest gift for Gerard.

After I had paid for the art supplies I decided to go for a walk outside, the mall no longer holding any appeal for me. Outside, the air was warm and sticky. There was a mist like rain falling and I cursed myself for not bringing an umbrella but didn’t go back inside. Instead I began walking through the familiar town, ignore the water soaking through my thin hoody.

As I walked past the local pharmacy my phone began ringing in my pocket. I pulled it out and smiled when I saw the recently added name, Gerard (: , flashing on the screen.

“Hello?”

“Ciara?” Immediately, I assumed the worst. His voice sounded torn and anguished.

“What is it Gee?” I asked him in a gentle tone.

“I need to talk to you, right now !”

I giggled a little, “You’re talking to me right now.”

He sighed loudly, not appreciating me pointing out the obvious, “Please C? Just meet at the park. Y’know the one you sketched and I helped you fix it? I need you!”

My palms began sweating and I panicked a little, what was so important that I needed to see him so urgently, “Yeah Gee, I’ll see you in a few.”

The phone clicked as he hung up without saying goodbye. Sighing, I began walking to the park knowing that it was only a five minute walk from where I was.

When I arrived I immediately caught sight of the dark clad man sitting on a bench in the rain. His head was bowed and I could see him gnawing on his fingers with his teeth. Something was really bothering him. As if he could sense me watching him, he looked up and caught my eye. The finger he had been biting fell from his mouth and he offered me a weak smile that I returned.

“Hey,” I muttered when I reached his side. “What’s wrong, Gee?”

He looked at me with a tear streaked face and a small frown, “I fucked up last night. I got drunk and took something I shouldn’t have and proper fucked up!”

My chest ached for him. He looked so upset and torn up about what he had done. Of course I wanted to know what he had done but decided that he’d tell me when he was comfortable doing so, instead I decided just to focus on the fact that he was obviously beginning to learn that drinking and taking drugs was not a good idea. I wrapped him up in a hug, holding him extra tight to make up for the rain that was now falling heavily on us, “It’s okay hon, I’m sure you didn’t do anything that bad.”

His shoulders were shaking with his sobs as he answered me, “No, I really messed up.” Those hazel eyes rose up to meet my gaze and I saw the pain there, “I don’t wanna be like this anymore…help me get clean. Please?”

I smiled a little. This was what I had been hoping for ever since I had found out what Gerard had become. He wanted to get clean. I didn’t really care what had caused this change in his attitude; all that mattered was that he was willing to make the effort to get over his addiction.

He looked at me, his hair soaked from the rain and his eyes were red rimmed and sore looking. I’d never seen him look so lost and desperate, “Can you help me?”

Without even thinking about it, I nodded. There was no way I was going to say no to Gerard when he quite obviously needed me. Together we’d get through this. I’d be by his side for as long as he was going through this pain.

“Thank you sugar,” He smiled softly. “I love you.”

My breathing caught in my throat as I took in what he had said but before I could respond, he leaned in and kissed me. Straight away I could tell that this kiss was different from all the ones we had shared as teens. This one was full of…hunger. His tongue harshly pushed past my lips as he took control of the kiss and I could feel how chapped his lips were. I began to return the kiss before realising that it was wrong and I pushed him away.

“I…uh…I’ve gotta get back to Toni’s,” I muttered before standing up and running away, looking back only once. Gerard was still sitting on the bench, his head bowed. Even still I could see the devastated look on his face and the guilt gnawed at my stomach.

I was right to push him away though, wasn’t I? It wasn’t like he still loved me, at least not in that way. I was so confused. Gerard was so deeply involved with drugs and alcohol that I wasn’t sure he could truly know if he loved me anymore. He just wanted me because I was familiar and he was desperate.

My phone began ringing, bringing me out of my thoughts. My thoughts were still somewhat elsewhere as I pulled it out and answered it, not really paying attention to who it was.