The Diary of Jane

Leathermouth's angry music screamed out of my headphones as I walked around in School. Benjamin had taken the day off, he said that he needed to 'get himself together', which was something I could completly understand.
Sometimes you just couldn't deal with things. It became too much, and when things becomes too much, you don't want to face School, where you know you will get beaten up.
Not that I got beaten up physically, but Benjamin had been.

I was getting kinda annoyed with the fact that Rebecca was literally like a dog or something. Sure, we where friends when we were kids and stuff, but since my mom died she should get that I didn't want to spend time with her.
Rebecca was a constant reminder of my mother.
She was always hanging over my shoulder, and since Benjamin came into my life she had become even clingier. Yes, it really was possible. I had doubted it, but it was.

I hadn't spoke to, nor been spoken to by, my father in weeks now. I hadn't heard much from Fran either, except that I stopped by her mom's every once in a while. Her mom could be nice when she wanted to. She had even got a new guy, who had a real job. I couldn't believe it the first time I heard about it, but it was true.

Things became better and better in my life, each day I lived it. I couldn't understand how I dealed with going to School and even breathing before. I just wanted to die, and I thought that I was going to die young.
Now I wanted to spend my life with Benjamin. And I would.
Which meant that I wanted to live a long life, because you never know what happens after you die. I thought that everything would be better in the afterlife before, but not anymore. Nothing could be better than being in love with Benjamin, and receiving love from his part too.

I had even had sex. I had never thought of myself in a scenario like that, but clearly Benjamin had. It had felt better than I thought it would, even though it was a little awkward.
Benjamin wasn't a virgin, but I was. He tried and teach me, but I ended up blushing and laughing from time to time, until I finally got a grip of myself and the earnisty of the situation.

I felt someone poke on my shoulder. I took of my headphones

”Jane, do you want to do something today?” Rebecca asked.

”What do you mean?” I asked.

”After School?”

”I can't.” I don't want to. ”I'm going to Benjamin's.”

Rebecca groaned in frustration.

”What?” I asked, pissed off.

”You're with Benjamin all the time”, she complained. ”I thought we were friends!”

”Friends?!” I snapped. ”Friends talk to one another, friends spend time with eachother more than in School, friends....” Would I sink that low? ”Friends likes eachother!”

Yes. I had just sunk that low. And it made Rebecca gasp, stare me right in the eye. I thought she was going to yell and hit me, but instead, her eyes glanced with tears and I could see her swallow the lump in her throat. It was like I had just broke her heart, and it felt weird.

”Why did you say that...?”

Rebecca sat down on the ground of the School. She looked broken and defeated. She didn't even care about the tears rolling down her cheeks, she didn't care about all the dirty looks from the fucking preps. I felt like shit too.

”I thought... I thought you already knew?” I asked and sat down next to her.

She shook her head.

”It has come to mind”, she sniffed. ”But I always rejected those thoughts because... Because...”

She looked up on me. It was like a thousand different decisions ran through her head that moment. I felt pity for her. This must make her feel terrible.

”... I'm...”

I waited. I knew how this felt, and deep down, I still cared for her. It wasn't like I hated her, it was just that she just didn't know me enough, and I didn't know her enough, to like her. Did I? We used to talk about everything when we were kids. Absolutely everything. She was my best friends.

”Ah, screw it”, Rebecca sighed. ”I love you. I'm in love with you, and I always have been, Jane.”

I stared at her, but she only smiled.

”I love you”, she repeated. ”I really just... love you.”

Then she hugged me closely, but I was like a stiff fish in her embrace. I couldn't believe what she just said. All this time... She had been in love with me? She had thought about me in a romantic way?

This... this was crazy.