Remember

I keep playing over yesterday's events in my head, and still I cannot help save for to feel like somehow I am being tricked. Why would Andy ever look at me in that way? Time and time again I have looked between the two of us, imaging how it would be for him to actually feel the way about me as he confessed last night. Somehow, though, it always felt like a mere dream, and even now I cannot fathom how it is possibly truth. I trust Andy enough not to joke about something like this, but what do I really know about Andy anymore? It just makes me skeptical.

He could have anyone. I am a nobody, some faceless loner he met on the internet years ago. I stalked him, that's how I found out where he is now. Maybe this is revenge. Maybe he really finds me to be some creepy stalker. His way of warding off the stalker is to dive in, act as though he feels just how I have always wished he would.

He knows.

He must. That's the only logical excuse I can think of. Never you mind all those false tales already written out. Andy must have found out about my feelings for him, and this is his way of getting me to leave him alone. Or maybe he just pities me. Who wouldn't? That's the real question to be asking. Everyone I know seems to pity me somehow, and it gets right irritating.

Am I going about this whole thing all wrong?

Probably. Honestly, I'm right fright of getting hurt again. Maybe this is why I am searching for reasons why this should not be happening. I just cannot seem to accept the fact that he feels for me, right? I know you're thinking it. I know that's the case, but do you blame me? I have these dreams where Andy is the bad guy, he's left me without a word. How am I to know his feelings are true?

If he really loved me he would have come back for me years ago.

I turn away from my computer, disgusted with the words I had written on the screen. My mind continuing to race with thoughts about him causing me pain all over again.

“He's famous,” I speak aloud, “he's going to leave.” My hands reach up, grabbing hold of my hair before tugging slightly out of frustration.

“This is all temporary.” I let out a sigh, “I'm only temporary.” A whimper escapes through my already parted lips all while tears well up in my eyes.

“I'm going to be alone,” I whimper out, “I'll always be alone.” Tears start to slowly fall, cascading down my cheeks with a river trailing behind.

Is it worth it? I think, biting my lip to hide the sounds of pain. Will being with him for a moment be worth the pain of knowing he could be gone tomorrow?

I push my laptop away and pull my knees to my chest, burrowing my face in my knees while my arms wrap around my legs- hugging them close. Tears falling faster now as the pain increases tenfold, my heart aching from the thoughts, and my mind screaming.

“There's only one thing to do,” I mumble. They will all be happier in the end, my mind tells me.

They will be happier in the end.