Remember
the memories of broken dreams
A choppy groan slips past my lips, my whole body aching uncomfortably. My ears sensitive to the sound of blood rushing past my eardrums, and my head pounding causing my eyes to squeeze shut. Another groan, and I attempt to lift my arms in hopes of trying to ease my aching head. My arms feel too heavy, too weighed down, and it takes far too much energy to lift them even the smallest amount off the bed. I slowly open my eyes, wincing at the brightness, allowing them to adjust before looking down. An IV is attached to my arm, and I can't stop the sigh as it hits me that I'm in the hospital. I know exactly why I am without looking at the blooded bandages covering my arm.
Just my luck, I think, taking a chance to look around the hospital room. I notice that there is a curtain drawn across the center of the room, blocking my view of the door, and I can't help save for to wonder just who is resting in the bed beside mine. Granted, I realise that I probably would not know the person even if I had a view of them. Moving my eyes away from the curtain, I stare out the window, allowing myself to sigh, again.
I'm not better, not at all. It'll just happen again because let's face it, I'm weak. Just the smallest little thing sets me off, and all I can think about is seeing blood. Why can't I just be normal? That's all I want, to be a normal, happy guy, and I can't even have that.
I bite my lip, squeezing my eyes shut as a tear runs down my cheek. A barely audible whimper ruins the stillness of the room, my ears perking at the sound of movement in the bed on the opposite side of the curtain. Soon the sound of someone getting out of bed, and soft footsteps are heard.
There you go ruining something else, good job, Addison.
The curtain is pulled back to reveal a petite boy no older than eighteen. A look of concern coats his hollow features as he grabs hold of his IV stand, and takes shaky steps toward me. All I can do is watch him, my body frozen in place for reasons unknown to me. He smiles weakly, his eyes giving way the pain he's feeling from walking. As much as I can, I shift over so he's able to sit beside me on my bed. He takes a seat on the edge of the bed, and looks at me, his hand resting over mine in a comforting way. “Are you okay?” he whispers. I'm not sure if he speaks softly for himself or for me, but either way it's appreciated. I just look at him, not finding the energy to do much else. He squeezes my hand before speaking again, “Your friends really care about you. They've been here every day hoping to find you awake.” I look at him confused, Why aren't they here now? He must have noticed the question in my eyes because he answered my unspoken question, “My girlfriend convinced them to go get lunch with her. The one with the red hair looks like he hasn't eaten in days, and Carly got worried.”
I nod weakly, and smiles, reaching over to help me sit up enough to drink a bit of water. “Now, I'm going to call the nurse, so they can check on you, okay?” I nod again, squeezing my eyes shut because of the pain in my head. I feel the boy leave, the weight lifting off my bed, and I shut everything out.
How much more selfish could I get? Riktor is worried sick, and who knows how Mum is handling all of this. I'm all she has left, and I'm sure they've realised this isn't the first time I've.. done this to myself. I'll probably be sent away. No-one is ever going to want someone as broken as I am. I'll only ever disappoint people because that's all I'm good at. Now I know for sure Andy will never look at me the way I've always looked at him. It's obvious he didn't show up for our date because he realised how much of a fuck-up and nuisance I am. He'll be glad I'm gone.
My thoughts are cut off by a nurse coming in to check my vitals, and the doctor following to explain everything to me. She tells me that Mum agreed that I'm to stay here for another week on suicide watch, and when they're sure I won't do this again, I'll be free to leave. My only thought being, Next time, I won't wake up.
Just my luck, I think, taking a chance to look around the hospital room. I notice that there is a curtain drawn across the center of the room, blocking my view of the door, and I can't help save for to wonder just who is resting in the bed beside mine. Granted, I realise that I probably would not know the person even if I had a view of them. Moving my eyes away from the curtain, I stare out the window, allowing myself to sigh, again.
I'm not better, not at all. It'll just happen again because let's face it, I'm weak. Just the smallest little thing sets me off, and all I can think about is seeing blood. Why can't I just be normal? That's all I want, to be a normal, happy guy, and I can't even have that.
I bite my lip, squeezing my eyes shut as a tear runs down my cheek. A barely audible whimper ruins the stillness of the room, my ears perking at the sound of movement in the bed on the opposite side of the curtain. Soon the sound of someone getting out of bed, and soft footsteps are heard.
There you go ruining something else, good job, Addison.
The curtain is pulled back to reveal a petite boy no older than eighteen. A look of concern coats his hollow features as he grabs hold of his IV stand, and takes shaky steps toward me. All I can do is watch him, my body frozen in place for reasons unknown to me. He smiles weakly, his eyes giving way the pain he's feeling from walking. As much as I can, I shift over so he's able to sit beside me on my bed. He takes a seat on the edge of the bed, and looks at me, his hand resting over mine in a comforting way. “Are you okay?” he whispers. I'm not sure if he speaks softly for himself or for me, but either way it's appreciated. I just look at him, not finding the energy to do much else. He squeezes my hand before speaking again, “Your friends really care about you. They've been here every day hoping to find you awake.” I look at him confused, Why aren't they here now? He must have noticed the question in my eyes because he answered my unspoken question, “My girlfriend convinced them to go get lunch with her. The one with the red hair looks like he hasn't eaten in days, and Carly got worried.”
I nod weakly, and smiles, reaching over to help me sit up enough to drink a bit of water. “Now, I'm going to call the nurse, so they can check on you, okay?” I nod again, squeezing my eyes shut because of the pain in my head. I feel the boy leave, the weight lifting off my bed, and I shut everything out.
How much more selfish could I get? Riktor is worried sick, and who knows how Mum is handling all of this. I'm all she has left, and I'm sure they've realised this isn't the first time I've.. done this to myself. I'll probably be sent away. No-one is ever going to want someone as broken as I am. I'll only ever disappoint people because that's all I'm good at. Now I know for sure Andy will never look at me the way I've always looked at him. It's obvious he didn't show up for our date because he realised how much of a fuck-up and nuisance I am. He'll be glad I'm gone.
My thoughts are cut off by a nurse coming in to check my vitals, and the doctor following to explain everything to me. She tells me that Mum agreed that I'm to stay here for another week on suicide watch, and when they're sure I won't do this again, I'll be free to leave. My only thought being, Next time, I won't wake up.
♠ ♠ ♠
title credit: the party scene - all time lowas always thank you for sticking with me; for reading, subscribing, and recommending. special thanks to the following for commenting:
BrokenRadio
beautiful-disaster66
We all will fall
Liar Liar
Stupidly Naive
Suicidalxwriter
this story is over two years old. its been almost seven months since i last updated. i wonder how much of the time since i started this story has been full of no updates. im sorry im so bad at updating. thankfully i have notes to remind me where i want this story to go. dont worry this isnt the end. in due time youll all find out why andy didnt show up, and why addi is the way he is. everything will be explained eventually.
seriously thank you all for sticking with me though. im surprised i still have people reading this story. i really need to start updating sooner. i love you all <3