I Dare Not Ask Who's Been Helping You Fall Asleep

What exactly was going on?

I’ll admit that it wasn’t normal to be spending the night at a guy’s house. Who was kidding? Of course it wasn’t normal. It was the complete opposite of normal.

Maybe that’s why I agreed so quickly. It was just another excuse for me to get closer to Alex. I didn’t think about what would happen, although I knew what I wanted to happen. It was a matter of resisting temptation, but when it came to Alex nothing was resistible.

He was, and still is, irresistible...

The four of us snuck into Alex’s basement which also happened to be his bedroom. Jack hit the lights to reveal piles of junk strewn across the floor. Alex quickly pushed dirty clothes and other stuff under his bed until the floor was relatively normal.

I looked around wondering what I was doing here. It grew quiet and I suspected that we all were wondering the same thing.

“We should watch a movie.” Jack suggested.

We collectively agreed.

The Hangover started to play as we crowded on the couch in front of the TV screen. Alex and Jack sat on opposite ends with Lisa and I cramped in the middle. I always hated sitting in the middle of a lumpy couch, because the middle sunk in. Whenever one of us laughed someone ended up getting hit. I shifted uncomfortably and inadvertently elbowed Lisa in attempt to avoid touching Alex, who was on my other side. Alex put his arm on the top of the couch right behind my head. I felt like I was sitting straighter than normal the entire time, not quite slouching but just enough to not touch him. He was nowhere near to touching me, but I still felt anxious.

It was as if pressure was building up. Pressure to do what, I wasn’t so sure. I could just feel like Alex wanted something and that’s when I remembered the reason he had asked me to come in the first place.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Alex staring at me. I looked away quickly suddenly terrified of our proximity. I felt him tap my shoulder, and then it hit me: he was trying to get my attention. I turned to him. He didn’t say anything, but instead motioned with his eyes toward the kitchen.

“What?” I mouthed.

He opened his eyes wide and tilted his head toward the door.

“Oh, um… I want popcorn.” I said out loud. “Does anyone want popcorn?”

“I do.” Jack said without taking his eyes off the screen. He and Lisa burst out laughing at something funny. I looked at screen to see a tiger in a bathroom.

“Yes, please. I would love some.” Lisa said after she stopped laughing.

Alex got up. “Kay, I’ll get you guy’s popcorn…”

“Oh!” I said getting up quickly. “I’ll help.”

We walked out of the room and shut the door behind us.

“Way to be obvious.” Alex said, but I could tell he was joking by the way his lips curled up at the edges.

I grinned. “Whatever, they didn’t notice anything.”

We walked into the kitchen where Alex opened the pantry and pulled out a box of microwavable popcorn. He unwrapped on and threw it in the microwave. He looked at the flat bag of popcorn spin round and round. It wasn’t until the popcorn had begun to pop that Alex turned around to look at me. I grew slightly self conscience under his gaze.

“So… um, what did you want to talk about?” I asked tentatively.

He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned his back against the kitchen countertop. Then he uncrossed his arms and gripped the edge of the counter. He exhaled heavily.

Finally he spoke, “Jasey, asked me out.”

“That’s…” My voice caught. I swallowed and smiled. “That’s great, Alex. It really is.”

His eyebrows knitted together. “You think so?”

I didn’t know how to respond. My reply came out slowly, “Yeah, that’s what you wanted, right?”

“I thought… I mean, yeah, it’s just I’ve wanted her for so long and now that she actually likes me… It’s just so surreal.” A smile broke out across his face and it hit me that all those times that I thought Alex might like me was just wishful thinking. It was a stab to the heart.

As if feeding off my insecurities he said, “There’s just one problem.”

I lifted my eyes from their sanction on the kitchen floor. I had been counting the tile squares to keep me calm. I meant to look up at Alex, but I couldn’t bring myself to look into his eyes. He would be sure to see the pain I felt. So instead I stared at the clock hanging to the right of his head. My eyes moved down to his arms where I noticed there was a slight bulge. Since when did he have muscles?

I tilted my head to the side in curiosity.

I took in all the changes in Alex. He definitely wasn’t the same kid I had met on that bus, but was that because of me? Or was it really because of Jasey.

I closed my eyes. I should have never even bothered. It was just those eyes. The way they sparkled when he was excited or the way the got cloudy, almost muddy, when he was confused. I only wanted to help him, be his friend. I didn’t expect to end up liking him this much.

“Jasmine?”

I opened my eyes suddenly realizing that Alex had been talking to me.

“What did you say?” I said, coming back to reality.

He lifted himself up and sat down on the counter. I followed his lead and sat down next to him. My feet dangled and bumped against the cabinet.

“I asked if you felt like there was anything between us.”

As I turned to look at him my bangs fell across my face. I didn’t know what to say. Very slowly Alex reached up and tucked my bangs behind my ear.

The question I asked myself as I looked into Alex’s eyes wasn’t, what did I want to say, but what would Alex want me to say. Would he be okay if I did say that I liked him or would he want me to say I didn’t? If I admitted I liked him that would only complicate things. Jasey finally liked him. For me to confess the way I feel would only make him more confused. I knew Jasey made him happy. Couldn’t that be enough for me?

I shrugged and feigned complete indifference. “No, I don’t think there’s anything between us. Do you?”

Relief washed across his face… just like I had expected.

He smiled warmly, “No, I don’t. We’re just friends.”

“Yup.” I said smiling. I turned away and took the popcorn out of the microwave. “Just friends.”

I turned back around and shook the bag letting the aroma of buttered popcorn fill the room. “Besides, I like Jack.”

I froze.

Why did I just say that?

He smirked like he knew this all along.

“No,” He said dragging that two letter word out. “Is that why you always flirt with him?” He asked sarcastically.

“I do not!” My cheeks burned.

He laughed. Then, he wrapped one arm around me and led me back to the basement.

“Oh, there’s one more thing.” He said right before he opened the door. “I was wondering if you could give me tips on dating Jasey. I don’t know where we should go for our first date.”

He sounded and looked so excited. That’s when I remembered that this was all new to him. I felt the warmth from his arm around me and I could smell his deodorant. My mind didn’t register that what I was agreeing to wouldn’t get me any closer to Alex especially since I had just blown it moments before; all I knew was that when it came to Alex nothing made sense.

“Of course, I’ve helped you this far. I wouldn’t quit now.” I joked.

“Thanks, Jasmine. You’re the best.” He gave me a quick hug.

He opened the door and he let his arm fall from around me. Jack sat up straighter when he heard us come in.

“Finally! You guys took forever. What were you to doing in there anyways? Having a quickie?” Jack winked at me and stole the bag of popcorn out of my hands.

“We we’re was just talking.” I said defensively.

“Yeah, yeah whatever. Oh, I love this part.” Jack let the subject drop and sat back on the couch.

I stood by the door. Alex sat on the couch and looked up at me. He smirked and waved me over with his hand.

I couldn’t handle this at all. I let me heartbeat fall. I knew I would let myself fall for him over and over again.