I Dare Not Ask Who's Been Helping You Fall Asleep

Whether intentionally or not, that night led to a new act, one where I acted like I was in love with Jack and had no feelings for Alex including not caring whether or not he dated other girls. After Jasey, it just got tougher and tougher as I watched Alex try desperately to have what Jack and I had. You know how people say once you’ve done it your first time everything changes? Well, whoever said it sure wasn’t kidding…

I woke up early the next morning as the sun was just rising above the horizon. I detangled myself from Jack’s arms and put his t-shirt over my head. Silently, I walked to my room to see if Alex was still asleep.
I entered quietly but was surprised to see Alex sitting on the ground with his back against my bed. He looked up as I entered.

I went over and sat down next to him pulling my knees to my chest. I rested my head on the top of my knees and looked at him.

“Why are you up so early?” I asked.

He groaned, “My headache woke me up.”

I took in his appearance. His eyes were tired and dark underneath. His hair was split off in multiple directions, but he still looked hot. How did he manage to do that?

I looked up at him with concern, “Do you feel better now at least?”

He blinked slowly until his eyes got more focused. He gave his head a quick shake. “Yeah, I took some Motrin that I found in you’re bathroom cabinet.”

I stared at him with wide eyes. “I don’t have any Motrin. I only have Midol.”

His eyes flashed, “You’re fucking kidding me. Leave it to me to take some PMS chick pill, fuck!” He shut his eyes quickly probably from a sharp pain that he was feeling in the back of his head.

I giggled, “Yeah, I am kidding.”

I burst into a fit of laughter probably still a lasting effect from last night. He shoved me lightly but hard enough to make me fall over. I lifted myself back up.

“Did Jack spend the night too?” Alex asked.

I felt my cheeks warm at the memories of last night. I didn’t answer, but it didn’t take Alex long to take in my appearance and my silence. Alex gasped, “Holy shit, you guys did it last night didn’t you?”
My cheeks flamed up even more, “Um…”

Almost to himself Alex said, “I can’t believe Jack had sex before me.” Then a little more loudly he began, “So…” Alex began, but I got him off. I did not want to give him the details. Jack could do that later for all I cared.

I decided to change the subject. “Let’s not talk about me let’s talk about you. What happened to you last night?”

Alex let out a long sigh. “Ugh, I screwed up. I was stupid and she played me.”

Alex paused, but I had a feeling there was more so I didn’t interrupt him.

“Who was I kidding? There was no way Jasey could ever like a guy like me she just wanted to get back at her boyfriend. I was her stupid little fucking pawn. The worst part is I followed her blindly.” He scoffed, “As if she actually cared for me. She had me in a bedroom with my pants down only for her to leave me there like an idiot once her boyfriend decided to “treat her right.” Sure, like that’s ever gonna happen. I just spent the rest of the night getting wasted. I didn’t know what else to do. Thank God, I found you and Jack before anything worse could happen.”

“I’m really sorry.” I said softly.

He leaned his head back against my bed, “For what, me being played like a fool?”

I wasn’t sure what for. A part of me was sorry that he had wasted his time, so much fucking time, on a girl that didn’t give a damn, a girl that didn’t realize how amazing Alex was. Another part of me was sorry that I had helped him. A bigger part of me was sorry that my heart was now committed to another guy… or was it?

“I’m sorry that Jasey didn’t turn out to be the girl you thought she was,” I finally answered.

He slouched over. “I don’t know. I just, ahh.” He let out an exasperated sigh. “I just felt so… alive when I was touched her, when I kissed her, whenever I was around her.”

“Maybe she isn’t the right girl for you?” I said quietly.

He chuckled sarcastically. “Some of us can’t be as lucky as you and Jack.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Was I being that good of an actor? “What are you talking about? Jack and I aren’t lucky.”

“Oh, come on. That’s bull shit. It’s obvious that you guys love being together. You had sex with him for Christ’s sake!”

“Shut up that doesn’t mean anything!” I whisper-shouted.

“What are you smoking? It means everything!” Alex hissed back.

I clenched my fists. He was so frustrating. Why couldn’t he see how much I liked him? “I don’t like Jack! At least not like that.”

Alex paused. “Hold on, you don’t like him, but then why…?”

My throat got dry. This was it. I should just admit that I like him and everything will be okay, but that was just a lie. Everything would not be okay. Jack would be hurt, I would look like a bitch (not saying I wasn’t), and who knows how Alex would react.

I felt my eyes get watery. Fuck, fuck, fuck, I wasn’t supposed to act like this. “I like someone else, okay.” I said finally.

“Oh…” Was all Alex said.

“Yeah, and now that I’ve had sex with him, Jack thinks I love him. No, he’s convinced I love him, because I told him that I did last night.”

Alex patted my back lightly, “Wow, you have it worse than me and Jasey.”

Was that all he could say? Here I was on the verge of confessing myself and he had to talk about her. The girl that brought us together was tearing us apart. It wasn’t fair.

“Are you fucking serious?” I nearly shouted.

Alex looked at me slightly afraid, but mostly shocked. “What did I say?”

“You just don’t understand.” I was no longer heated. I was resigning. I couldn’t bring myself to say it and I didn’t know why. The words wouldn’t even form, let alone come out.

He grabbed my hand. “Tell me then. You’ve helped me so much, I want to help you.”

There was only one thing that would make me happy, but I couldn’t do it. It was Jack. I couldn’t just ditch him after all we’ve been through. I couldn’t deny that I liked him a little.

I dried my eyes. “You can help me by not telling Jack anything I’ve just told you.” I said simply full of detachment.

He looked me in the eyes, but not the way I wanted him too. I searched his eyes. He looked at me like a friend not like he was in love with me. He didn’t even have a clue.

“I won’t, I promise.” Alex said convincingly.

“Good.” I said standing up. “Then this conversation never happened. You should probably leave now.”

Alex stood up and put his shirt on. “Does Jack have to leave too?”

“No, he’s my boyfriend remember. A boyfriend I just had sex with.”

He started to protest. “Bu-but how am I su-supposed to get home?

“First of all, you gotta stop stuttering. Second, call your mom. She can pick you up.”

I followed him out of my room while he stuttered more protests. “Why are you kicking me out? What did I say?”

“You didn’t say anything.” And it was true. He didn’t say a single thing… at least nothing that I wanted him to say.

We made it to the front door and I pushed him out. “Just leave.” I slammed the door in his face. The loud sound made Jack stir in his sleep. He opened his eyes slowly and focused them on me. “You look really good in my shirt.” He said with a wide smile.

I crossed my right leg behind my left resting it on my left ankle. I pulled on the shirt nervously.
“Really? Thanks.”

Jack kept his eyes on me as I walked over to where he was lying on the floor. I lifted up the blanked and snuggled up to his warm body. I let me forehead rest against his bare chest. We were silent, just listening to each other breath. I could also hear the soft thud of his heartbeat. Why would I ever want to mess this up?

Alex flashed into my mind.

Oh, right. That guy.

I wanted what I couldn’t have, because I had what I couldn’t get rid of.

This act was going to be a hard one to perform.