I Dare Not Ask Who's Been Helping You Fall Asleep

I barely remembered the days following that morning. I acted like a puppet. Do this, say that; oh, boyfriend wants a kiss—okay. It was so rehearsed, to me at least. Only I had no idea who was calling the shots anymore. The days passed by and soon turned into months. Jack and I grew closer, Alex and I grew farther apart. Before freshmen year was over I was already sick of it…

Freshmen year was coming to a close and the summer was about to come. I was thinking about what the summer would bring when I heard someone say my name.

I turned to see Jack. “Hey babe,” He said to me.

I turned my head to the sound of Jack’s voice. Like always, I gave him a kiss without even thinking about it, without even feeling it. I was beginning to sink into a hole that just got deeper and deeper each day. It wouldn’t be long before I could no longer see the opening, and I would be stuck down there with no way out. The reason being— Alex moved on. He took everything I had told him about girls and erased Jasey from his memory to get a new girlfriend.

Was I even considered?

I doubt it, especially with Jack on my arm.

Jack sat down next to me at the lunch table and grabbed my hand. I tried nonchalantly to remove it from his grasp, but every time I got it free Jack would find a way to get it again. He was really starting to bug me, but a part of me knew I was just coming up with excuses. I wanted him to break up with me, not me with him.

“Is everything okay?” Jack asked when he noticed my discontent.

I tried my best to hide everything I was feeling. “Yup.” I said with a small smile.

He gave me a look that confirmed my fears. “I’m fine, really.” I told him. He didn’t believe me at all. I was going to have to become better at acting like I wouldn’t rather be anywhere, but with him. I leaned over and gave him a small kiss. I pulled away to see Jack’s eyes opening slowly. I looked him in the eyes and told him again that I was fine.

“I still don’t believe you, but I’ll get it out of you eventually.” He said with a wide grin. He leaned closer to me and kissed me again, but deeper this time.

“Ew, get a room.” Alex joked as he came to the lunch table. I pulled away quickly, blushing slightly.
I watched as Alex sat down with a flawless air. He was oblivious to how hot he really was. That’s what made him dangerous, or so I thought at the time. Once he realized how hot he was his confidence brought him to a new level, an untouchable level.

“Shut up, Alex. You wish you could have a girl like Jasmine.” Jack said jokingly.

Alex didn’t reply with a comeback. I looked up at him to see why and was shocked to see him looking at me with an unreadable expression on his face. Jack saw it too.

“Dude, I was just kidding,” Jack told him.

Alex shook his head, “No, no you’re right. I wish I did--” He cleared his throat.

Lisa walked up to the table with Rian and Kara and I was thankful for the distraction. She smiled widely and sat on the left side of Alex.

“Hey!” She said brightly.

I had to admit, she was growing on me. She brushed her hair out of her eyes, and gave everyone a warm smile, but her smile lasted longer when she focused it on Alex. He smiled uncertainly back at her. For some reason it hurt— a lot.

By the time summer started, they were a couple. That’s when everything started to fall apart.

-------x--------

For some reason, I couldn’t remember as much about that summer or sophomore year as much as freshmen year, probably because I tried so hard to forget about it. I became best friends with Lisa and despite the fact that she was dating Alex, we spent a lot of time together. Especially, when Alex and Jack started a band with Rian and some other guy I didn’t know named Zack. But there are three distinct memories that are permanently burned into my head, because they were the beginning of the end…

About a month into sophomore year, after a particularly killer party, I woke up and walked into my living room to see my dad.

“Dad? What are you doing here?” I asked. Don’t get me wrong, I was excited to see him, but he only talked to me on holidays and my birthday. He still lived in California so what the hell was he doing in the suburbs of Baltimore? This was a surprise and I had a feeling it wasn’t a good one.

“Your mom called me.” He said simply. “Here have a seat.” He said indicating the couch across from him. He didn’t even get up to give me a hug after not seeing him for over half a year. I sat down unsure of what was wrong.

“You’re mom is concerned about your partying. She says you’re out every night doing God knows what and she thinks it would be best if you came back to California with me.” He said it quickly, no hesitation, straight to the point.

I looked up at my mom who was standing in doorway. She had a blank expression on her face. Where was all this coming from? It wasn’t like I was a problem child, acting out in an attempt to be taken seriously or some shit. I wasn’t a straight-A student, but at least I wasn’t failing any classes.

“Wait, hold on.” I said, finally finding my voice. “I do not party every single night. I don’t even party every week and I’m not doing drugs or drinking myself into a coma. What is it really? Does mom not want to raise a child anymore?” I said with venom seething in every word.

“She’s also concerned about your boyfriend, John, I think she said.”

I glared at her. “She knows his name is, Jack. And he’s the sweetest guy I’ve ever met.” Sure better than you I thought to my dad. All it took was a one bad word about Jack to make me defend him like he was the love of my life.

“Dad, you didn’t even want me. Why the sudden change?” I watched as he glanced at my mom. Did she not want me now either? What was wrong with me?

“That’s not true. I did want you. I was just going through some tough times.” Yeah, you were constantly running out of money to pay for hookers. Not exactly the best environment to raise a family, dad.

“What makes you think that would be a good place for me to grow up in then? What’s wrong with where I am now?” There was something I was not getting.

My mom was biting the inside of her cheek, a nervous habit of hers. What was she thinking that she wasn’t saying?

My mom sighed, “Okay, the truth is… I can’t handle having a daughter right now. I’m barely home and I feel like I’m failing you.” My mom said. She finally walked into the living room and sat on the couch next to me. I scooted far away as possible. This was fucked up. I knew that her job kept her away at night, but she wasn’t failing me. So this entire thing of me partying and Jack was just a cover up so that my mom wouldn’t feel bad. Great. And the award for the best fucking mom in the world goes to?

“So you had to make it seem like I was the problem? Why?” I asked, the anger evident in my tone.

My mom and dad exchanged glances. My dad decided to skip my question like I hadn’t even asked it.
Thanks daddy you’re almost as fucked up as mommy dearest.

“We want you to move back to California during winter break.” He said simply with the ‘no arguing’ tone.

“No.” I said crossing my arms.

“No?” He asked. His face had the expression of anger.

“I didn’t stutter.” I shot back. I instantly thought of Alex. I couldn’t leave him either.

“You will whether you want to or not.”

I leaned forward letting every word come out like daggers. “Bull shit! You don’t even have custody over me.”

My mom looked down. “Yes, he does or at least he will once we go to trial.”

“Wow,” I said sitting back. This was fucked up.

“Do you really hate me that much?” I asked my mom. What did I do wrong?

My mom blinked back tears, “No, that’s not it sweetie.”

I stood up. “Fuck you! Fuck the both of you.”

I left the house before I could hear another word. I found myself going to Alex’s house instead of Jack’s.

That was the first memory.

The first memory was bad.

The second confusing.

The third heartbreaking…