I Dare Not Ask Who's Been Helping You Fall Asleep

I’ve tried so hard to figure out how my entire world could have fallen apart with three simple words— I am leaving. At the time I had thought it strange that the first person I told was Alex, but now I realize he was the guy I would go to for anything when it should have been Jack. I finally realize that it wasn’t that I liked Alex, no— I loved him completely with every ounce of my body; I loved him.

I knocked on the door lightly not really sure what I was doing at Alex’s house. All I knew was I needed to clear my head, or get away, or just be away from my parents. Whatever the reason I thought Alex would help me.

The door opened revealing Alex. It wasn’t until the light from his house had shown into my eyes when I felt the tears streaming down my cheek. The light burned my sensitive eyes. At the sight of me, Alex opened the door wider.

“Jasmine?” He asked with concern. “What’s wrong?”

I didn’t answer instead I rushed into his arms. I rested my head right under his chin. Slowly, I felt his arms go around me and hold me close. That’s when I knew why I had gone to Alex’s—he instantly made me feel better.

He started to walk backwards bringing me with him. I let go of him reluctantly so he could walk normally. I followed him to his bedroom and sat on his bed. He sat down next to me causing his bed to dip. His bed sheets scrunched under our weight. All I could think was—this is where Alex sleep’s at night; this is where he dreams.

He placed a comforting arm on my shoulder. “What’s wrong?”

I didn’t answer. I only offered a sniffle as a response.

“Is it Jack? Did you two have a fight?”

I looked up quickly, surprised at his question. “What? No, no nothing like that.”

He removed his hand away from my shoulder. “Then what is it?”

That’s when I spoke those two, well technically three awful, life-changing words.

“I’m leaving.”

He looked at me confused. “Okay… but you just go here.”

Despite the current situation I laughed. Alex started to laugh to, but with an air of being unsure of what he was really laughing at.

Then I remembered that I really was leaving for good and Alex didn’t understand that. I stopped laughing immediately. “No, Alex not like that. I’m leaving Baltimore.”

His smile faltered. “Wha-what? You-you ca-can’t leave.”

More tears sprang into my eyes. I was really going to miss him. But what choice did I have? My mom didn’t want me anymore, or couldn’t handle me… something like that. I wasn’t even sure.

“Where are you going? And…” He paused then asked the question I knew he wanted to know the answer to, “Why?”

“To California to live with my dad. My mom said she doesn’t have time to raise a daughter and she doesn’t want to fail me or some shit like that.”

“All the way to California?” His voice cracked slightly. “That’s like on the other side of the country, an entirely different coast.”

I fell onto my back and stared up at his ceiling. “Believe me, I know.”

He followed my example and laid down on the bed next to me. His arm rubbed against mine lightly. I pretended not to notice.

“Does Jack know?” He asked after a short moment of silence.

I turned to look at him, but he was still staring up at the ceiling. He began to turn his head to look at me too, but I turned it back to face the ceiling. After awhile so did he.

“No, I haven’t.” I admitted.

Alex didn’t say anything for over a minute. Finally he said, “He’s gonna be devastated.”

“I’m going to fight it though.” I said quietly.

“Hm?” He offered so that I could continue.

“I’m not leaving without a fight.”

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Alex’s lips curl up at the ends slightly.

“Good.” He said simply.

“Good?”

“Yeah, you know… for Jack.”

“Yeah…” I agreed. “For Jack.” I added quietly to myself.

“You should tell him.” Alex was still speaking to the ceiling.

I was shocked and I could feel nervousness begin to consume me. I didn’t want to tell Jack yet. “Right now?” I asked.

“Only if you want to.” He said only this time he looked at me when he said it. He could see it in my face that I wasn’t ready to tell him yet. So he said, “You should soon though.”

I frowned, “I know—I mean, I will, but not tonight. I don’t think I can bring myself to do it tonight.”

Alex didn’t say anything, but turned back so he was looking at the ceiling once more. His arm no longer touched mine.

“Can I…” I paused. “Would it be okay…” My question trailed off again.

“You can stay here tonight if you want.” Alex answered, because he knew what I was going to ask.

“Thanks.”I breathed a sigh of relief. I don’t know what I would have done if he had said no. I couldn’t go back home, not tonight.

“When do you leave?” Alex asked.

“In a couple of months.” I felt a bigger weight fall on my chest. It’s so soon.

“It could be worst.” His voice sounded strained.

I took a chance and said, “You’re going to miss me aren’t you?” I said it in a way that hinted I was joking, but I also knew we were close friends so he would miss me just as much as I would miss him.

He chuckled. I looked over to see his Adam’s apple quiver with his laughter. “Of course I will. You’re one of my best friends.”

We turned to look at each other at the same time.

“I’m gonna miss you too.” I told him.

We continued looking at each other for a long time. My mind was struggling to decided whether or not I should just tell him how I feel. I was constantly building myself up to say it, but then I’d stop myself. Never had Alex made a hint to liking me. He never flirted with me so my mind did a strange thing to me; it convinced me not to say anything. I kept my mouth shut. Then, I wondered what Alex was thinking. Finally, Alex sat up.

Looking down at me he said, “It’s late; we should probably go to bed now.”

I sat up to and looked at the clock. It was a quarter past one. I could feel the stress from my parents wearing me out so I agreed that I was tired.

“You can sleep on my bed.” He offered. “I’ll just sleep on the couch.”

I stood up to and gave Alex a big hug. “Thank you so much.” I mumbled into his chest.

“Of course.” He said. “You can always come to me for help.”

We pulled apart and as I looked into his eyes I felt this pull towards him. I wondered if he felt it too. I took a half step closer to him.

“Goodnight, Alex.”

I turned away quickly. I went over to my bed and heard him say, “Night, Jasmine.”

I curled up under his covers and closed my eyes right when Alex flicked the lights off.

Now that years have passed since that night I’ve replayed that scene over and over still wondering if I should have said something, but that’s was a long time ago. I can’t continue reliving the past, especially when the past is so painful.