I Dare Not Ask Who's Been Helping You Fall Asleep

I closed my eyes and replayed those first two memories. They were painful to recall, but not as painful as the last.

Have you ever been in such a bad mood that it filtered out into everything you did or said? It’s like you feel so shitty that you can’t help but make other people around you feel just as bad. That’s how I became as the days grew nearer to my departure.

I had convinced my parents to let me finish my sophomore year of high school, but I had to agree to finish my last two years of high school in California with my dad. Although I had gotten more time with the guys I loved to be around, it only made it even harder to say goodbye. What’s worst is Alex and I kept it a secret; no one else knew, not even Jack. Deep down I knew the hardest part about leaving was I would be leaving the town where Alex was. If I left I knew there would be no chance for there anything to ever happen between us. That’s what hurt the most.

It was the day before I left that I finally told Jack. This was my last memory of that town…

He was crushed. I couldn’t even stand to look at the sadness in his face. “What do you mean you’re leaving tomorrow?”

I couldn’t look him in the eyes. I felt an uncontrollable amount of anxiety, insecurity, and… nausea. I kept telling myself that all I needed to do was tell Jack bye, but now with him standing there in front of me; I couldn’t. I didn’t want to say goodbye.

I couldn’t just leave without telling Jack that I could no longer be with him. I couldn’t tell him that the truth was I no longer wanted to be with him. I couldn’t just leave without needing to justify all the shit I pulled.

I needed closure of some kind.

I wanted to make him angry at me to the point where I convinced myself that if we were mad at each other it would be easier to leave. He was standing in front of me and he knew I had something serious to say.

“Whatever you’re about to say, I know that it isn’t good.” He said.

“I’m going-going back to-back to Cali-Cali.” I said singing the last part like the song to try and lighten the mood. He didn’t even smile.

“What do you mean? You’re leaving tomorrow?” He repeated. “Wait, is that why you’ve been acting so weird?”

I shuffled my feet anxiously. “Um… yeah.”

At least it wasn’t a complete lie, but it wasn’t the complete truth either.

“Oh…” Jack looked over my head into the distance. I could tell he was hurt which made it even harder to admit what I was about to.

“Jack, I think w—”

But he cut me off. He continued starring over my head when he said, “Yeah, I know. We have to break up.” He said it so matter-of-factly, no emotion whatsoever. He wouldn’t even look at me.

I felt my mouth go completely dry. I felt my nose pinch and I couldn’t breathe right. I knew I was about to cry. And sure enough as soon as I open my eyes I felt a small tear drop. Jack finally glanced at me. I felt my fences come down. All the lies from the past came crashing down on me.

First, pretending to not have any feelings for Alex as I helped him get Jasey. Then, confessing my feelings for Alex to Jack and making him keep my secret. Only to end up lying to Jack when I told him I loved him and not Alex.

It suddenly hit me like a bolt of lightning. The lies needed to stop. This nightmare needed to end.
I needed to confess.

I looked up into his eyes and felt my hands start to shake. I lowered my eyes and spoke to the ground. “Jack, I-I…” I couldn’t even steady my voice.

Jack stood there and let me find my voice again. After several minutes I finally spoke.

“I don’t deserve anything. I’m not asking for forgiveness either; I just need you to please listen. You can hate me; you can decide to never see me again, but I can’t leave this place without you knowing something. I have to—” I choke on my next words. “I have to tell you the truth.”

It all came out in a rush.

“I’ve been a terrible girlfriend.” I paused not sure where to begin.

Jack looked at me in shock. “You cheated on me?” He asked.

My eyes widened at his assumption. “No! I would never do that to you, but I haven’t been honest.”

He started to say something, but I stopped him. “Please, this is really hard for me, but I have to tell you. I’m in love with Alex.” I saw him wince, but I kept going. “I’ve known it from the first time I met him and it only grew stronger as I got closer to him. It hurt me to know I was never the girl he wanted so I used you to preoccupy my mind, but it never worked. When I told you I loved you, when I had sex with you… I— it wasn’t real… at least to me. I started to live in this delusional world where I was happy with you, but on the inside I was in so much pain.”

Jack looked like he wanted to turn around and walk away or punch something. I started to cry uncontrollably.

“Jack, I’m so sorry that I did this to you! I never meant to hurt you! And I know that nothing can ever justify what I did to you. I used you. It’s just… I needed you to know. I couldn’t live the rest of my life knowing that you were oblivious to my lies.”

I took a deep breath to steady my voice. “But whenever I see Alex, my head throbs, my heart aches, and I feel this empty pit in my stomach. I feel as if I’m screaming on the inside and he refuses to listen. He can’t see how much I love him. And I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but I need to get this off my chest; I need you to understand how much I love him.

“I’m not asking for your forgiveness, because I know that my deceitfulness is unforgiveable. I just needed you to know.”

It was silent for a long time. It looked like Jack wanted to escape; I just didn’t know where to.

Finally he spoke. His voice was groggy like he had just woken up, but he cleared his throat and started again with a stronger and steadier voice. “Jasmine, this is so… fucked up. I’m sorry to tell you this, but how can you live with yourself knowing that you have the power to make a guy feel this shitty? Do you not understand that we gave each other so much? I gave you everything I had; we gave each other the world, but unlike you I gave you the truth, my truth. Not once did I lie when I told you I loved you. But I guess that’s over now.”

He started to walk away after he had said everything he felt he needed to say.

I wanted desperately to call him back, but what more could I say.

Suddenly, I blurted out, “Jack, can you please not tell Alex about what I said.” Alex didn’t need to know. In less then 24 hours I would be gone anyways. I was leaving this life in Baltimore behind me.

He stopped and over his shoulder he called.

“Don’t’ worry, your secret’s safe with me. Oh, and you can trust that I won’t, because I’m not a liar.”

He turned his back on me leaving me feel worse than I had before I told the truth.