I Dare Not Ask Who's Been Helping You Fall Asleep

Looking around me now, I’ve always wondered if things would have been different if I hadn’t left the way I had, but then I thought back to the day I finally left. That’s when I realized there was no other way to go…

The day after I told Jack everything he and Alex came over. I looked at Jack, but he wouldn’t catch my eye. I wondered why he had even bothered to come. I tried to get him to look at me to see if he had told Alex, but since Alex hadn’t said anything yet, I figured he hadn’t. I didn’t deserve Jack’s kindness at all, but still, I was grateful.

We were standing in my room; I mean my old, almost empty room, as I put a few last minute things into boxes. Honestly, I didn’t even care anymore. I needed to get out of this place. I had only been in Baltimore for two years and look at the mess had made. I tape the last box shut and turned to the guys.

“So what’s up? I thought we had already said goodbye?” I said.

Alex looked at Jack, who was looking at the ground. “Yesterday, Jack and I got together to make something for you. It so you can remember us when you’re in California.”

I highly doubted I could ever forget these guys.

“You did?” I couldn’t help, but smile. Even though I had messed up big with these guys, I myself was left heartbroken, I had left one of them also heartbroken and the other one clueless; they were still my best friends.

Jack reached into his pocket and motioned for me to put out my hand. Alex told me to close my eyes. I did as I was told and I couldn’t help but feel a little bit happy despite the sadness of leaving. I felt something small fall into my hand. I closed my fist around it and could tell that it was a bracelet. Sure enough when I opened my eyes I saw a beaded bracelet. It had black and purple beads and in the middle were the initials A-T-L on white beads. I looked up at the guys curiously.

“Atlanta?” I asked. What was this supposed to mean?

“No silly, it’s the initials of our band: All Time Low. Duh.” Jack said.

Alex pointed to it, “Trust me; you’ll want to remember our name. We’re gonna be big one day.”

I wasn’t sure what Alex was talking about since Jack had only begun playing the guitar less than a year ago and they were still only covering songs, but I figured that Alex knew what he wanted and wouldn’t stop at anything to get it.

I slipped it on with a sad smile. “Thanks, guys. I’m gonna miss you both so much.”

My dad honked his car. I guess it was time to go, but not before saying goodbye one last time. The guys helped me take the rest of my boxes into the moving van. My dad pointed to his watch impatiently, but trust me I was in no hurry. I turned to the guys. I gave Alex a quick hug trying desperately to take in exactly how it felt to be in his arms so that I would always be able to remember.

I went up to Jack unsure of what to do. Jack offered me a small smile and held out his arms. I went up to him and let his arms wrap around me. My head went into the crook of his neck and very softly I told him, “I really am sorry, Jack.”

“I know,” he whispered back. “It just hurt a lot, but a part of me always knew it wasn’t real. I just refused to believe it.”

“I’m going to miss you.” I said as we pulled apart. I searched his eyes wanting him to see how truly sorry I was.

“I’ll miss you more.” He replied.

I got into the passenger seat next to my dad. As we pulled away I watched as they waved goodbye.

As, we made our way onto the freeway, everything about Alex flashed through my head. His smirk, his laugh, his eyes, everything. Suddenly, I got this feeling of regret.

“Dad, we need to turn around.”

He shook his head, but kept his eyes on the road, “I can’t do that sweetie. We have a long way home.”

Baltimore was my home, not where we were headed.

Tears started to stream down my face, “No, dad, you don’t understand. I’ve made a big mistake, one that if I don’t resolve I will never be able to live with myself.” I needed to tell Alex. It hadn’t hit me until we pulled away that I would probably never see him again, ever.

But he never turned around.

And I have lived with that feeling of regret ever since.