I Dare Not Ask Who's Been Helping You Fall Asleep

As soon as I got home I rushed to the bathroom. I felt sick so I splashed some water on my face. Looking in the mirror at my reflection, I couldn’t help wonder if I made a mistake in leaving the venue without speaking to them, but if I were being honest with myself; I was just being a coward.

Running away from my problems as always.

There came a knock at the door causing me to jump.

“Baby, is everything alright?” came Kevin’s muffled voice.

“I’ll be out in a minute.” I yelled back.

I dried my face and open the door.

Kevin looks concerned, but also pissed. “Okay, you’re gonna tell me what’s going on, because as your boyfriend I think I should know what is going on between you and the guys of All Time Low! I saw the way you looked at him.”

I walked from the bathroom into my living room. “First of all, do not yell at me. Second of all, that was the past and quite frankly the past isn’t any of your goddamn business.”

He didn’t deserve this, no one did, but that’s what always happened when I thought about Alex. I was full of regret and bitterness whenever I thought about what could have been.

His face softened, “It is if you’re my girlfriend. If you didn’t want to go tonight why didn’t you just tell me? I thought we could trust each other.”

He was always so nice, but there was something he wasn’t getting. “Kevin, please stop.”

“Stop what? You’re the one hiding things from me! I would have been fine not going tonight. You should have told me you didn’t want to go especially if you knew it would affect you like this.”

I sighed, “That’s the thing you don’t get, Kevin. I wanted to go.”

He let my words sink in. “Wait. You wanted to? Then why are you acting so strange?”

I knew exactly why I was acting strange, but I didn’t want to admit it to Kevin or to myself. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore.

“He was my first love!” I yelled suddenly.

Kevin looked at me in disbelief. “Was or is?”

I could feel myself about to cry. The back of my throat ached and there was that pinching feeling at the back of my eyes. “No, Kevin you don’t understand. I loved Alex, but he never knew that I did. I was just a friend and then I made a mistake and dated his best friend. It was just a huge and utterly stupid fuck up.”

Kevin looked so disgusted, but it was masked by hurt. “You need to really figure out what you want, because although you say you ‘loved’ him it seems like you still do and you can’t just keep dragging people along.”

“What are you saying?” I was on the verge of tears.

Kevin looked absolutely heartbroken. He had the same look Jack had when I told him I didn’t love him. It hurt so badly knowing I was the cause.

Kevin looked at me sadly, “I’m saying that although you say that this guy was your past it seems like you will always be stuck in that past until you confront what ever you’re trying to hide from.”

“Wait, are you breaking up with me?” I felt my chest tighten, but at the same time I felt fine.

He grimaced, “No, you’re pushing me away.”

With that he left.

But for some reason I was okay with it.

Except now I was alone.

------x--------

I went to work the next day feeling worthless. Kevin was right when he said I needed to confront my past, but how would I be able to do that now that Alex was probably miles from here.

I started editing an article that had just been submitted to the magazine company I worked for. I had to admit although I loved fashion, but editing articles about it was getting tiring. I sighed as I fixed misspelled words and wrote down suggestions to make the article flow better. My phone line rang.

I answered it after two rings, “Jasmine Dubberly speaking , how can I help you?”

“Jazz!” I just about dropped the phone at the sound of Jack’s voice.

“Jack?” I asked just to be sure.

“Oh my god, I can’t believe how good it is to hear your voice!” He yelled at me. He was spazzing out with excitement; I could tell.

“Wait, wait, WAIT! God, fucking calm down. How did you get my number?” I asked and I could detect the happiness in my own voice.

I heard a commotion in the background and Jack was yelling.

“Hello?” I said into the receiver unsure if he was still on the line.

Then it was Alex on the phone. I held my breath. “Hey, Jazz. It’s me Alex.”

I didn’t say anything; I just nodded and then silently beat myself up for being so stupid. Just as I was about to say something Alex continued, “Listen, I uh… I saw you last night at our show? At least I was pretty sure it was you and then this guy Kevin, I think his name was, found us last night and told us that you missed us, but that you had to leave early. Anyways, it’s been so long like what, seven years? Me and the guys will be in LA for a couple of more days. We all agreed that we want to see you so… yeah.”

I couldn’t help but notice how different he sounded, yeah his voice was deeper; that was expected. But he had a different tone in the way he talked. He had confidence.

“Um… hello? Anyone there? Dude I think she hung up!”

I quickly cleared my throat. “No, I’m here it’s just – I was thinking. But I’m not sure I’ll be able to hang out with you guys. My work has me buried deep in shit.”

“Oh,” was all Alex said.

I hear muffled talking. Then Jack goes on the phone. “It sucks that you can’t hang out with us. But I guess if you really can’t, you really can’t, but take my number just in case.”

He gives me his number and I enter it into my cell phone.

“Bye Jasmine.”

“Bye Jack.”

I banged my head on my desk. A big part of me was upset that Alex hadn’t even said bye. What the hell was I doing? Here was my chance to see if there was a possibility for anything to happen between Alex and I. I let out a sigh and stopped doing work. I needed time to think. I go on the internet not really sure what I’m looking for. I look up band pictures and then just pictures of Alex and then whether or not Alex has a girlfriend.

I don’t know how long I’d been on the computer, but it was close to two hours. I’m shocked to see that he’s single, but then I feel so stupid for stalking him online that I quickly shut the multiple windows of him and bang my head on my desk once more. I start to crumble, then a growl, and then before I know it I’m talking to myself.

A co-worker walked past. “Dude, are you okay?”

I sat up quickly and went back to typing on my computer. “Oh yeah, I’m fine.”

I turned to look at the new intern. He seems to be holding back a laugh, “Okay, well that’s good, because you have someone here that wants to talk to you.”

Slowly, I turned around more to see who wanted to talk to me. I gasp. You know how in the movies when anything shocking happens someone’s mouth drops open? I had never seen it in real life so I didn’t imagine it could possibly happen, but as my eyes focused on the person standing in front of me that’s exactly what happened.

I should have been thinking how did he get here?

Am I dreaming?

Or something to that effect.

But all I could think was there he is, after all these years there he was.

The thing that I thought of most though was…

Why?