Shooting Love in Real Time.

“Okay, tell me everything,” James said as he handed me a cup of tea and honey. I hadn’t stop crying since Alex left and I didn’t know who else I could talk to who wouldn’t just turn around and tell Alex everything if he asked. Don’t get me wrong, I trusted my friends with everything, but I just needed someone to be there for me without thinking too much about Alex. I already felt like I was being silently judged by Jack for being the one who had started all this.
“I don’t know. It’s just finally hit me that it’s over, you know? I didn’t want to drag Marissa into this, because Alex is already staying with her and Jack, so she has him to deal with. She doesn’t need it from both sides, it’s not fair on her. He came over earlier and took some of his stuff, and I just haven’t stopped crying since he left.”
“I still don’t understand what caused it all. I mean, you said it was about the show last night, what did you do?” I sighed as I started to explain what had happened. I, of course, understood why he was a little wary about me hanging about with someone I’d refused to introduce him to, though I don’t think he understood the way it blew up in my face if I introduced him to everyone I had ever met. It had been a little while coming, but it was a decision Jack had no problem with Marissa making. Again, it was just another long list of lies and deception that our relationship was built on, whereas theirs was built on a solid foundation of trust.
“We couldn’t carry on the way we were,” I told him. “Us getting back together last time was built on my lying to him about who I was for six weeks. I kind of feel like I trapped him into it sometimes, you know? Like he didn’t make the choice to forgive me, I forced him into it.”
“Judging from what you’ve told me, he loved you anyway,” James said. “I think you not telling him was better for the both of you; it was a fresh start.”
“But it wasn’t,” I snorted. “He was still hurting over me leaving him like that, and I was still hurting over what he did to me. Sometimes I do still hate him for it.” It felt good to finally tell someone that it still hurt. To say that I wasn’t 100% over what he had done, and I felt deep down that he wasn’t fully over what I’d done either. James smiled sympathetically, but said nothing. He didn’t know our relationship, admittedly, so there was nothing he could say. It was nice not to have to argue to get my point across. “Thank you for coming over tonight. It just feels so much lonelier than normal already, even though he’s just across the street.”
“It’s no problem, I get it. It’s knowing he’s not coming back that makes it worse. I know the feeling.”
“I should go to bed,” I told him. “The spare room is up the stairs on the right, second door.” He nodded and stood up making my way toward the stairs.
I crawled into bed, wide awake and still not sure how or when I’d managed to stop the tears. I felt torn inside. Alex was right, no matter how much we loved each other right now, it made no difference whatsoever. We couldn’t go on as the people we were right now.