Changing Your Stars

I sat there absolutely miserable. All of us were gathered around a bonfire, making smores and such. I was the only one here alone. Matt and Val were snuggled up as were Bri and Cams and Jimmy and Dani. Okay Jimmy and Dani were like making out hard core. Who would have known little shy Dani could get down like that? I sure hadn’t guessed so.

I wanted to go home, but would I say that? No. Cam and Dani were having a good time; no way would I ruin that for my friends. I was just planning on sitting here and getting plastered. My plan would have worked if Zacky hadn’t shown up…with Michelle.

I dug my fingernails into the palms of my hands until the pain in them over took the pain in my heart. How could he? HOW COULD HE?! I downed the rest of my spiked coke, opting to refill the bottle with straight rum.

He didn’t even look at me and damn it if that didn’t hurt like a bitch. Both Cams and Dani were watching me carefully. I gave them a fake ass smile as I downed my rum. It burned like a bitch but I didn’t cough or cry. He wanted the ho bag? Fine, he could have her. I didn’t need him, I didn’t need anyone.

Want I did need was more rum. Alcohol made everything numb, matter less. I laughed to myself maybe I finally understood why my mother lived out of a bottle. The bitter laugh tumbled out of my lips maybe I was just like her after all.

Everyone was staring at me and I giggled louder. Brian, who was sitting beside me, leaned over. “I think you’ve had enough Pix.”

“Fuck you.” I said with a sweet smile.

“He’s right.”

My head snapped up at the sound of Zacky’s voice. I wish I hadn’t. Michelle was all but snuggled up to him. Here I was thinking I was still his girlfriend, stupid me. “Like you fucking care.”

His eyes narrowed on me as his jaw twitched. “Don’t fucking start with that bullshit.”

“You know what Zacky? Fuck. You. You bring the very reason we’re fighting to the fucking bonfire and expect me to be okay with it? Plus you sit with her and let her hang fucking all over you and I’m starting bullshit?” I stood up and almost fell, shit maybe they did have a point.

FUCK THAT. No they didn’t.

I grabbed the bottle of rum and stormed away the best I could in my current condition. Once I was out of ear shot I let the tears fall. My life was so messed up. I had a father who was too busy for me, a mother who loved her alcohol more than she ever loved me. A step father who I knew would take advantage of me given the chance.

Then there was my baby brother Neil. I fell to my knees openly sobbing. I could see his curly mop of blonde hair, sky blue eyes filled with joy, and his adorable chubby cheeks. “I’m so sorry Neily. You’re gone and it’s all my fault.” I collapsed on the wet sand letting myself dissolve into a little self loathing and pity.

This is what I deserved, to be miserable. If Neily couldn’t live and be happy neither should I, it was karma making sure I was kept in check.

“Who’s Neily?”

I didn’t look up when I heard Zacky. He was the last person I wanted to see right now. I was broken and couldn’t hide it. I didn’t want him or anyone else to see it.

“Who’s Neily?” He asked again a little louder this time. He sounded worried, or maybe it was just me being pathetic and hoping he cared.

I sat up, arms wrapped around my bent knees, my back to him. “My brother.”

“I didn’t know you had any siblings.”

It was quiet for a minute and I just sat there staring at the ocean. “He died a little over a year ago.” I couldn’t mask the sorrow in my voice.

He didn’t say anything at first, just wrapped his arms around me. After a minute he whispered, “I’m sorry.”

I shrugged. “Not your fault.”

He moved so that I sat between his legs, his arms tightening around me so that I had to lean back into him or be squished. “Maybe that isn’t, but today and tonight partly was.”

I closed my eyes and let out a deep sigh. It was partly my fault too. I had realized that today while I was talking to my girls. The problem is I’m drunk and my thoughts aren’t going from my head to my mouth. “I’m sorry.”

“How about we’ll talk about this tomorrow when we’re both sober.” It was a statement not a question so I didn’t answer him.

He kissed my neck and I couldn’t suppress the shiver that raced down my spine. I let my head fall back on his chest as he rubbed his hands up and down my arms. “Cold?”

I shook my head no. “I’ve had too much rum to be cold.”

“Then why did you shiver I wonder?” He mused against my ear before kissing just below it.

I shrugged as he kissed his way down my neck. Without thinking I closed my eyes and tilted my head giving him better access to my neck.

His hands tightened around my biceps as he moved his lips to my collar bone.

A soft moan left my lips without thought. I had never felt so…good, before in my life. He was chasing away the sorrow and the pain with every brush of his lips on my skin. I turned in his arms my eyes searching his for I don’t know what.

They were glassy and hooded a combination from the alcohol and teenage hormones running amuck. He pulled my face to his, kissing me soundly. I tilted my head and he deepened the kiss. I gripped his shoulders as I moaned into his mouth.

His hands roamed over my back as our tongues battled each others. I had never been kissed like this before. It was heated and slightly sloppy and oh so wonderful in its imperfections. When I felt the evidence of his arousal digging into my hip I pulled back, both of us were breathing unevenly.

“We should probably head back.” I forced the words past my lips when it’s the last thing I honestly wanted to do.

Zacky chuckled obviously seeing through me. “Come on then.” He got up, dusted off his hands, and then helped me up.

I lost my balance and all but fell into his arms. Of course Zacky found this all very funny. “Come on let’s get you back before you fall on your face.”

“I’m not that drunk.” I pouted but I let him take my hand and lead me back towards the others. Truth was he had a point, I was tipsy, but not drunk.

“Yeah okay.” He chuckled as I stumbled slightly. He stopped us and squatted before me. “Hop on.”

I giggled but did as was instructed. The rest of the night went pretty uneventful. I snuggled with Zacky giggling the entire time at Michelle’s pissy attitude.

I realized two things while I sat there around the fire with my friends.

I hated fighting with Zacky.

But I liked making up…a lot.