I Lost My Fear of Falling

We’d just left the movie theater when I finally mustered up the courage to broach the subject.
“Mikers, I gotta talk to you about something.” I said.
“Let’s get in the car where it’s warm.” It was fricking cold tonight and we were huddled close together for warmth as it was.
He cranked up the heater before turning to me and looking at me expectantly.
“I think…” I broke off. “I can’t do it.”
“Em, come on. Tell me what’s bothering you.” He squeezed my hand gently.
How the fuck do I say this?
“Hey Mikey, I think we should have sex?”
“What?” I clapped one hand over my mouth.
Oh god, did I just say that out loud?
He was fighting back a smile, I could tell. “Is that what was bothering you?”
“Yeah. I apparently have no balls and couldn’t say it.”
“I think I’m the one who’s supposed to have the balls.” He grinned. “Are you sure?”
“Am I sure I love you? Am I sure that I want my first time to be with you? Am I sure that I’m ready for this? Yes to all three.”
He leaned over and kissed me and that’s all it took.
Soon we were in the back seat making out furiously and fogging up the windows.
My warning alarm rang, signaling that if we didn’t get going we’d be late for my curfew.
“Fuck.” Mikey groaned, pulling his shirt back on. We’d both lost ours this time and I was pretty sure I had a hickey blooming on my chest. I could see where Mikey would get one, right over his heart.
--
Winter break came and Mikey and I had a plan.
My dad had a doctor’s appointment and my mom had to drive him, leaving me clear to disappear for a few hours. Mikey’s mom worked and Gee would be at school. River would be home, but that problem was solved by just going to Mikey’s house.
We were all set.
Now if I could just relax.
I’d been barraging Wes for days with questions about her first time. I was worried I’d be horrible and he’d hate it.
“He’s a virgin too, I don’t think he knows what good sex is.” She’d said irritably.
The other major worry I had was that he’d look at my body and be disgusted.
Sure, he watched me change whenever he got the chance, but that was from a distance.
Up close was a different story.
The day finally arrived and I’d been crazy with anticipation all day. My mom actually stopped to take my temperature because I looked pale. I just wanted her to get out of the fucking house.
“I’m going to Mikey’s.” I called to River on my way out.
“Use a condom!” He called back.
Either that was a coincidence or my brother is psychic.
Mikey let me in and we headed right up to his room. I’d been up here a couple times, enough that I was comfortable moving around.
For a while we just lay there together, listening to each other breathe.
Then he leaned down and kissed me and things got heated quickly. I was fine until he got my shirt off and then leaned back to look at me.
He studied me for a long moment and my fear of my body repulsing him tripled.
“You are so goddamned beautiful.” He said, pressing a kiss against my stomach. My bra went flying next. I went to work on his belt buckle and he kicked his jeans off impatiently. I wiggled out of mine while he threw his jeans in the corner.
His fingers curled on the edge of my thankfully cute lacy boy-shorts.
“Are you sure?” He asked, his lips ghosting over my neck. Like I could say no, even if I wanted to, when he was doing that.
“Damn sure.” He nodded and I started to prepare myself mentally.
I was expecting it to hurt honestly. From what I’d heard at school, the first time hurts like a bitch and you bleed everywhere. And it did hurt at first, but Mikey was so gentle, even though he was just about as lost as I was. It was a little awkward until we got a rhythm going.
For us, I think the sex was less about being horny teenagers and more about being in love and wanting to take the next step with the other person.
For a long while after we collapsed into a sweaty mess on top of each other, we just lay there.
My skin smelled like Mikey’s soap and I’m pretty sure he smelled like my perfume.
“I love you Michael James Way.” I managed to say. My breath was still coming in ragged little pants.
“I love you too Autumn Leeves.” The way he pronounced my name made it sound like a love song.
God, I’m turning into such a sap. Is this what love does to people?
I heard a car pull up to the house and both of us looked at each other, color draining from our faces. Mikey got up and went to the window, peeking out.
“Shit, Gee’s home.” He cursed, tossing my clothes to me. I yanked them on as fast as I could, hearing the door open downstairs.
I’d just started to smooth my hair down when Gee walked in.
“Oh my God.” He said, taking in the rumpled bed and my monumental sex hair. “I do not wanna know what you two just did.”
I wanted to die of embarrassment.
“Get out Gee, you’re making this really awkward for her.” Mikey said, pushing his brother out the door and closing it tight behind him.
I patted the bed next to me and he lay down again.
I lay there curled up with him, watching the snow fall outside and listening to his heartbeat.
If this is heaven, sign me up.