Everybody Has a Secret

I woke up from a nightmare. My body was drenched with sweat and Alex was on the chair asleep. It was all dark so I'm assuming I didn't sleep that much.

I got up and went into the bathroom to wash myself up. I was really sweaty. Something wasn't right. Something didn't feel...right. I could feel it in my guts. Then it hit me.

I started to run. Well, run as much as you can when you're healing from c-section and have an IV attached to you.

Something was telling me Mira needed me. As I finally got there, the blinds were closed.

“No…” I said out loud in a whisper.

I went by the door which was the only way to see in. I saw a group of doctors and nurses huddled around a baby. Seems like they were trying to do something to them.

I tried to squint my eyes to see. I couldn't see much with the doctors and nurses being in the way, but my gut was telling me it was Mira.

I started to bang on the door. One of the nurses looked up at me and she basically ran to me.

“What is going on?” I asked her as soon as she came out. “Is that my daughter? Please, tell me it isn't her.”

She took her mask off to talk to me. “I'm sorry,” she said. “Her BP started dropping and then her pulse started dropping. We're trying everything we can right now.”

That's when my body decided to stop listening and I started to sob uncontrollably. I didn't know whether she was going to be alive or not. Someone had to go and get Alex to pick me up off the floor because I wouldn't move. I didn't want to go and leave. I wanted to know if she was okay. Chances of babies surviving this small is very rare. I didn't want to get my hopes up…

The doctor on duty came out and Alex and I both stood up.

“Mira’s doing okay right now,” he said. “We had to end up putting her on a tube because she stopped breathing and it's why everything started to go down.” I know there's a “but” in there somewhere… “I don't want to get your hopes up but I'm not sure if she’ll fully recover.”

I could feel the tears falling down my face again.

“I'm sorry,” the doctor said and with that he left.

Now I can just imagine her on the tube, basically living off of it because she may not come back from this.

Alex and I went back into my room. Now I was even more depressed.

“It's going to be okay,” Alex said, holding my hand.

I was lying down and just blankly staring. I didn't really know what to do or how to react anymore. I cried all my tears.

(Alex’s POV)
Eliana was not okay. She was just blankly staring. I didn't know what to do. We're both upset about this. I want to comfort her but I don't even know how. I don't know how to even take care of myself right now.

I got into the bed with her and I wrapped my arms around her. She cuddled up to me. I kissed the top of her head and I pulled her as close as I could. I wanted her to know I was there even if I wasn't fully functioning myself. I hadn't even cried yet.

“Are you okay?” I asked her.

“No,” she said. “Are you?”

“No.” I finally said it.

“You haven't cried.”

“I know. I don't think I've fully registered it.”

“It's okay. I love you.”

I smiled at her shortly. “I love you too. It's gonna be okay.”

“You don't need to say that. What if it isn't?”

“I meant it as even if it isn't, it will be.”

“Plus,” I continued. “We can always try for another baby. Making one is fun.”

She slightly laughed. “Stop. How can you even make jokes?” she asked.

“I guess it's just been my coping mechanism since forever.”

“I know.”


After that, I didn't remember us falling asleep.

I woke up and Eliana wasn’t in bed. I kinda started freaking out but I know there is only one place she could be.

I went up to the NICU and I saw her standing closely by the window. Her hand was slight pressed on it.

“Are you okay?” I asked as I approached her and wrapped my arms around. I realized the question was stupid as soon as I said it.

“Look at her,” she said. “She doesn’t look good.”

I looked at her and I finally started getting tears in my eyes.

She turned around and hugged me and I pulled her in closer.

“I can feel your sadness,” she said. “I know you’re crying.”

“Well, I can feel yours,” I said. “And I’ll be okay.”

She sighed and hugged me tighter. “Do you think she’s gonna be okay?”

“I don’t know… But we just have to have hope.”


(Eliana’s POV)
I’ve finally been back at home for a while now, but I’m been visiting Mira every day and being there almost all day and night. Everyone has been there to support me too. At this point, I didn’t know what to do and I think I’ve dissociated from my feelings. I felt kind of blank and empty. I know this feeling and I haven’t had an episode like this in a long time. Alex has always been my happiness.

“Here you go,” Alex handed me some coffee. Hospital coffee. Isn’t it great?

“Thank you,” I said and took a sip. It was really hot. I kinda burned my tongue a little bit.

“We should probably go home soon. It’s getting really late and I’m sure you want to shower and stuff.”

“Yeah, I do. But just a few more minutes.”

We were for another 20 minutes and left.

We went home and I went up to our bathroom. I took my shirt off and looked at my scar in the mirror. Now this scar is going to be an awful memory.

I sighed and turned the shower on. I got fully undressed and got in. I let the hot water hit me and it felt really good. Hot showers always felt so great.

“Are you doing okay in here, babe?” Alex asked.

“Yeah,” I said. “Can you bring me a towel?”

“Yeah, babe.”

I finished showered and turned it off. I open the curtain and Alex handed me a towel.

“Do you want me to bring you some PJ’s?” he asked.

“Would you mind?”

“Of course not.”

He left and came back after. He handed me some shorts and one his shirts. He knows I love sleeping in his shirts and it would make me feel better.

I put the clothes on and he wrapped his arms around my shoulders. He gave me a kiss on the top of my head.

“I love you,” he said.

“I love you too,” I said.

“Let’s go to bed. I’ll cuddle you.”

I slightly smiled. “You always cuddle me to sleep.”

“I know.” He hugged me a little tighter. “I love cuddling you.” He kissed my cheek.

I turned around and gave him a kiss. He kissed me back, passionately.

“Let me finish getting ready for bed,” I said.

“Okay. I still need to shower too.”

Alex started to take a shower and I started brushing my teeth.

“Love, can you handle me a towel?” Alex asked.

I grabbed a clean towel and handed it to him.

“Thank you, babe.”

I finished brushing my teeth and I went to go get Alex a clean pair of underwear. He was just finishing as soon as I walked in.

I walked back out and lied down on the bed. He came out a few minutes later and he lied down next to me, wrapping his arms around me. I turned around and kissed him.

“Hey,” he said. “Don’t get me excited. You know we can’t.”

I giggled.

“Hey, I haven’t heard that laugh in a while. It’s cute.”

“I love you. You always make me feel better, you know that?”

“Yeah?” he asked. “Well, you always make me feel better too. Isn’t that what marriage is about?”

“Yeah, you do make me happy.”

“You make me happy too. You are my best friend.”

“Don’t let Jack hear you say that.”

He laughed. “Yeah, he would hit me.”

“Goodnight, babe.”

“Goodnight.”