Ever Since You Walked Into My Life

My chest felt hollow, like I was missing the most important part of me. My lungs felt empty, as if I couldn't catch a steady breath. My eyes were red, swollen and sore from the amount of tears I had cried over the past few days. Work hours had been cut, as well as my sanity. I could no longer pay off the bills I needed to, and March fifth was only two days away. I would be lucky if I could make the rent, which was a far stretch.

My utilities would go without payment and PSE & G would be out here any day to turn me off. I felt like my head was spinning, due to the lack of food I fed myself, no sleep and stress. If I stood up now, I would only go tumbling into my tiled kitchen floor. Possibly head first, since it felt so heavy on my shoulders. I rested my head on my forearm and tried to catch a decent breath. March granted nicer weather, so I tried to leave the thermostat alone.

Yet when the electric and gas goes off, it would leave us no way to stay warm at night. To take a warm shower or cook. I turned my cable off last week, but they wanted nearly ninety dollars to end my service earlier than expected. My cash jar was nearly empty, leaving me with no extra money to feed to greedy bill collectors. I felt like my dead beat car outside - cracking from inside out.

I lifted my head and noticed the two large wet marks on my sleeve. I hadn't realized I'd been crying been crying again. I didn't think I had any tears left to spill. I reached into my pocket for my cigarettes, but I only pulled out my empty pack. I had smoked my last pack of cigarettes within two hours. It took over my appetite and my sanity as I tried to figure out something for Sammi and I. This apartment was the longest we've stayed at any one given time.

I hated breaking promises and the one I made to Sammi made my heart seize in my chest. It would almost kill me if I told Sammi we had to pack up once again to find another place to live. Karen had been so good with me at Stop and Shop. I didn't want to push another break so I could find another suitable place for us. Wood - Ridge was running short on cheap rentals. I peeked over at the clock and nearly gasped when I saw it read two thirty.

Sammi would be getting out of school soon and I didn't want her to see me this way. I never did this before, but I was going to try and keep the stress a secret from her so she wouldn't worry. I never expected an eight year old to be so intelligent, but then again, she grew up faster than she should have. Which only reminded me of one other thing I didn't want to know; Sammi's birthday was on March fifteenth. Two and a half weeks away.

I didn't want to tell her she'd be receiving no gifts this year. Christmas was bad enough, with only four small presents I managed to snag for her with my small paychecks. Sammi understood on the outside, but on the inside I knew she was hurting. Yet she put on a smile and hugged my waist even smaller with her thankyous. I got up from my seat, feeling my head swivel in every direction and crawled to the bathroom.

I patted my eyes with cool water, hoping to rid of the redness and swelling. I used a little foundation to help cover it, but she would still notice. Sammi always noticed when I was in a bad mood. I guess that's why she called it a "sister thing". I left the bathroom when I looked partcially decent and left without a single huff. I would have to walk today, because my car was out of gas and worked when it felt like it.

I stumbled to the elementary school and took a seat right next to the door. I tried my best to force a smile, hoping Sammi would see my toothy grin and not my pending depression. Parents parked on the side as time went by and before I knew it, the last bell was ringing. I heard a few car doors slam as parents came out to greet their children. I watched as the kids ran from the doors, like they had been stuck in school their entire lives.

A head of blonde hair caught my eyes and within seconds, Mingus was at my side, telling me all about his day. I ruffled his hair and said, "Sounds like you had a good day."

"Have you seen my dad?"He grinned.

"I haven't, but if you need me to, I can walk you home."I hoped Norman would come soon, because right now his house seemed so far away.

"Hey Mingus."I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned, finding Norman at my side.

Mingus hugged Norman tight around the waist before going on about his day, like he had done with me. Within a few moments, Sammi walked out the doors, talking with three girls who were once on her cheer team. I gave her a wave before getting up from my seat. I hugged Sammi into my side and asked, "How was your day, Sam?"

"Good. I got an A on my art project, Rascal!"She said.

She grinned, showing off her perfectly white teeth. I gave her a happy smile and watched as she handed over her poster. I ran my fingers along the thick paper and felt a knot grow in my chest. I nearly choked on my breath, but Sammi stopped me.

"It's me, you, Sandra, Connor, Mommy and Daddy."She said softly."Do you like it?"

I looked down, fighting the tears that welled in my eyes and whispered, "I love it, Sam. I love it so much I'm hanging it up as soon as we get home."

Her face lit up, like I told her we were going on an endless shopping spree for toys. Sammi latched onto my waist and said, "Oh, thankyou, Rascal!"

My thumb slid over the faces on the painted picture and I smiled. Sammi always enjoyed drawing, so for an eight year old child, it was beautiful. The paints twirled and twisted together just right, with a few mistakes here and there. The faces were slightly cartoonish, but I could still point out who was who. It was almost like she tried to draw our last family photo taken together, except she was older here.

"Hey, Rascal!"I turned, finding those god given eyes.

"Hey."Norman walked over, sneaking a peek at the drawing in my hands.

His face fell slightly, like he was amazed at the talent my little sister had. He ran a hand across his chin and asked, "You make this, Sam?"

She nodded her head, excited that someone other than me enjoyed her work.

"I got an A."She smiled.

"I'm not surprised."He said softly."It's beautiful."

"Thanks Mingus' dad."She blushed.

I gave Norman a smile and said, "Thankyou, Norman."

"No problem."He said."I noticed you didn't dri -"

Norman stopped for a moment to study my face. I could tell by his continuous stare that he saw the lines of stress on my face. The bags from lack of sleep under my eyes. I felt like a walking skeleton and I think he agreed.

"Hey, you alright? I know you hate when I asked, but I can't help it."He kept his voice low so Sammi and Mingus couldn't hear."You just look so sleep deprived."

"Yeah, I'm unusually tired, but I'm okay."I tried to keep my voice upbeat."Now, what were you saying?"

"Um,"He scratched the back of his head and sighed softly."Saw you didn't drive. Wondered if you guys wanted a ride."

Sammi snatched her drawing from my fingers to show it off to Mingus. I agreed on the ride, for the main reason that my body didn't feel up to the quick walk ahead. I was completelt exhausted and in dire need for sleep. Before I could change the subject, Norman touched my arm and asked, "You promise to tell me if something's wrong, right?"

I nodded my head slowly and said, "Yeah, Norman. I promise."

The ride home was quiet and luckily, short. Norman pulled up to our apartment, so I opened my door and let Sammi out. I looked back and said, "Thanks for the ride, Norman. Ill see you later, okay?"

"Hey,"He reached out for my arm as I went to get out, making me turn back.

His expression went soft, as his eyebrows dipped down over his eyes, sheilding that lovely blue I had come to like so much. His hand loosened on my elbow and he rested it on the seat. Quietly, he asked, "Are you sure you're okay? Is it the bills? You're making me beg here. I just want to help."

"No, Norman, I'm fine."I picked up a smile as the lie whisped through my lips."I have to go. Ill see you soon. I promise, I'm okay."

Norman let his fingers glide over mine, but I slowly pulled away, afraid he might see past my stone cold wall and confront me on it. I knew that Norman knew I wasn't okay. I was never okay anymore, especially when things began to go downhill. I opened the front door to the complex and looked back, finding that Norman hadn't left yet. I gave him a small wave, hoping he'd forgive my down attitude and shut the door behind me.

I leaned back against it, hearing the putter of his truck disappear down the road. I sniffled softly, wiped at my eyes and shook my head. It wasn't his fault that this was happening to me. It was all mine and I'd shamefully take the blame for it, even if I wanted to brush it under the rug. I must have been at the door quite a while, because Sammi called down from the top floor, "Rascal, are you coming?"

"Yeah, Sam."Again I wiped my eyes in a hurry."I'll be right up."

Sammi shut the door behind her and I sighed, wondering if she would notice if the utilities went off. I took a step toward the stair case, but the sound of loud knocking came at the front door. I paused for a moment, debating on rushing up the stairs quietly and ignoring whoever was at the door, or answer it like I should. I walked back, pried open the door and asked, "Can I help you?"

"I'm looking for the McMann residence?"It was an older man dressed in uniform.

I nearly choked on my breath when I read PSE & G across his chest. The fifth was still two days away. Why was he here? I opened my mouth to speak, to utter any sense of a sentence, but he continued on.

"I'm from PSE & G. I have a bill here that's yet to be paid."He looked up from his clipboard and I could see the hurt in his eyes.

He knew the deal, as he must turn off a lot of houses who are in desperate need of money. I opened the door all the way and asked, "I have until the fifth to pay."

He looked down once more, but only shook his head.

"I'm sorry, miss. This says you're almost three weeks behind."He frowned.

"Please, sir, I just need a few more days and I'll have the bill paid. You don't understand. My hours were cut and -"I pleaded.

"I'm sorry, miss, but if I go back and tell them you weren't home, it doesn't mean they won't send another person out within the hour."He frowned.

"Please."I begged."Two more days and ill have the payment."

"How about this,"A smile began to work its way across his thin lips and for just a moment, I got my hopes up."ill turn off your electric, but ill leave your gas on so you can stay warm, eat, shower. I can't promise no one will be out here by the end of the week, but it'll stall us for a little while."

"I can do that."I felt my eyes well up once more and I thanked him repeatedly."You don't know how much this means to me. Thankyou, sir. Thankyou."

"No problem, m'am, but you need to get on this right away. I don't want you living in the cold."He smiled warmly and asked for the basement.

I wiped at my eyes after showing him the way, but I had a feeling of guilt burning a hole in the pit of my stomach. A few days would help, but I wouldn't have near the money I would need to keep everything on. I sniffled softly and whispered, "God, what's next?"