I Want It All

Alex was overcome with a mixture of nerves and relief as he stood outside of Lyle’s apartment door. He was beyond relieved that she had finally texted him, asking (okay, pretty much demanding) that he come over because she needed to talk to him. But at the same time, he was nervous. Was she going to tell him that…that night had been a fluke? That it wasn’t supposed to happen? That she didn’t want it to happen again? He wasn’t sure if that was something he would be able to accept willingly. Actually, no, he knew he wouldn’t be able to accept it, at all.

He knocked on the door, shoving his phone into his back pocket. Well, maybe he would just have to make her see that they could make it work. He could be a good boyfriend…if he wanted to be. He had never really given it much thought but, well, he could do that for Lyle. He hadn’t really put anything into relationships before but money (and his body, ahem), but those girls had never meant anything to him. Lyle did. Lyle always had.

When Lyle opened the door, she wasn’t smiling, she wasn’t bubbly, and she didn’t look happy at all.

“Hi.”

Lyle didn’t respond as she opened the door wider, letting Alex in, and shutting the door behind him. She pulled her flannel tighter around her as she followed Alex into the living room, sitting in the chair while he sat on the couch.

“So…”

“So,” Lyle agreed quickly, nodding her head.

“You said we needed to talk?” Alex prompted, though he really had no interest in having any sort of deep conversation with her. He just wanted to know why she had been avoiding him. He didn’t like being ignored.

“Yeah, we do.”

Alex nodded slowly. “So…?”

Lyle sighed. “Um. You… You remember that night…a few weeks ago?”

“Seven and a half weeks,” he replied without a thought. “Yeah.”

She eyed him carefully. “You counted?”

Alex scratched the back of his neck. “It was…kind of a big night, you know?”

“Yeah,” she said, letting out a soft sigh. “Pretty big night.”

Alex felt himself smile slowly. “So…what about it? Interested in a repeat?” he asked, unable to stop himself from his standard reply.

Lyle could feel the blush creeping up the back of her neck and didn’t bother trying to fight it off. “Not exactly.”

The smile fell from his face—that was a blow to his pride. Whatever. He knew he would recover. “Then…what did you want to talk about?”

Lyle sucked in a deep breath, looking him right in the eye. “I’m pregnant.”

“Oh my… Lyle, I—“ Alex trailed off, a smile forming on his face without even realizing it. “Wow. We’re… We’re gonna be parents.”

She didn’t reply, choosing to bite the inside of her cheek instead.

“Can you imagine me as a father?” Alex asked, smiling and letting out a soft laugh.

“No, I can’t,” she snapped, frowning.

Alex paused, his smile fading. “Ouch.”

Lyle sighed.

“What’s wrong, babe?”

“I’m pregnant, that’s what’s wrong,” she exclaimed.

Alex shook his head. “That’s a good thing, Lyle—“

“Maybe for you,” she interrupted, “but not for me, Alex.”

“Lyle, we’re going to be parents,” he told her. “I’m gonna be a fucking father—“

“You’re not mature enough for that, Alex.”

Alex scoffed. “Okay, don’t be hateful. What’s really going on?”

“I’m pregnant,” she repeated.

“You’re gonna be a great mother,” Alex said quietly.

Lyle shook her head. “No, I’m not.”

“Lyle, yes, you—“

“No, I’m not because I’m not going to be a mother,” she told him.

Alex’s eyebrows furrowed together. “Okay, um. I’m sure we can find a great adoption agency if that…if that’s what you want,” he said quietly, looking down at the coffee table. That wasn’t what he wanted, though, at all. “But by the time he or she is here—“

“I don’t want this,” she told him forcefully. She didn’t want to hurt his feelings, but she needed him to know her stance. And that she was not going to change her mind.

“You can’t just…”

“Alex, I didn’t ask you to come over so you could tell me your opinion on the situation,” she said softly. “I told you because this is my choice.”

“Bullshit,” Alex claimed. “I have rights, too, as the father.”

“No, you don’t.”

“This is my kid, too, Lyle! This is not just your decision,” he snapped.

Lyle sighed, running her hands over her face, before sucking in a deep breath. “I’ve thought about this, Alex. This is the best decision for me.”

“Why?” he demanded. “You tell me why you don’t want to carry my child. Is it because it’s mine? Is it because you don’t love me? Is it because you think it’s a mistake? Is it—“

“No, Alex,” she said quietly, looking up at him, her eyes watering. “If it was gonna be anyone, I’d want it to be you,” she admitted.

Alex sighed, moving from the couch to sit next to her in the oversized chair. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders, not really caring if she didn’t want him to. After a confession like that, he should’ve felt reassured, but he just felt sick to his stomach. He just wanted to be close to her. “Babe,” he exhaled. “Just tell me why.”

“I’m not ready,” she admitted. “I’m not ready to be a mother, I’m not ready to be pregnant, I’m not ready to…push a watermelon out of me. I’m just not ready. And I’m not ready now, I won’t be ready in three months, I won’t be ready in seven. I won’t… I won’t.”

Alex rubbed her back. Was he excited? Of course he was. But he had to remember that he wasn’t the only one in this situation. “What about adoption?”

She shook her head fiercely. “I wouldn’t be able to. I’d back out.”

“And you won’t back out of…this?” he asked.

“I need you to make sure I don’t,” she said softly.

“Lyle, you can’t ask me to do that—“

“You’ve been my best friend for years, Alex,” she interrupted. “I’ve never asked you to do anything for me.”

Alex sighed. “I know you haven’t—“

“I need your help, Alex,” she said quietly, looking up at her best friend as the tears fell from her eyes.

“Goddammit,” he muttered, running a hand over his face. “What do you need me to do?”

“Just go with me? I have an appointment in two days,” she told him.

“Son of a bitch,” he cursed. “Were you even going to let me try to talk you out of it?” he asked.

She shook her head. “It’s not like I didn’t think about it, okay? Because I did. I haven’t thought about anything else since I found out—“

“Give it some time,” he pleaded. “A couple of weeks, tops.”

“I don’t have a couple of weeks, Alex,” she told him. “There are laws. I have to do it now.”

Alex frowned, a curse falling from his lips. “Nothing I can say is going to change your mind, huh?”

She shook her head. “I know you’re not happy, Alex—“

“I’m fucking pissed off, Carlyle,” he snapped.

Her mouth shut quickly. She hadn’t seen Alex this angry in a while. And, yeah, okay, she knew he had a right to be mad. But she wasn’t going to change her mind. She wasn’t ready, and that was the bottom line. She didn’t need anyone else making her feel bad about her decision. In her mind, the decision was already made. It was going to happen.

“But I can’t stop you,” he said. “And you don’t need me pissed off at you, even though I am.”

“You have every right to be,” she told him softly.

“You’re sure this is what you want?”

She nodded.

Alex didn’t like it, not one bit, but he took her hand in his and gave her a reassuring squeeze. “Then you have my support,” he said. “I’m not happy about this, at all, Lyle. I’m angry, and I’m pissed off, and I wish you would change your mind. But I’m not going to force you. I’ll be there to hold your hand every step of the way.”

Lyle didn’t reply with words, she just threw her arms around his neck and hugged him tight. “Thank you, Alex. Thank you so much.”