Twisted Symphony

I’d like to say it was a blur. I’d like to say I was drunk. I’d like to say that I was under the influence of heavy narcotics, but I wasn’t. I knew perfectly well what I had done last night. I had made out with Johnnie in Central Park. I didn’t have a better explanation then, I was seventeen years old. I didn’t think I needed one until I rolled over and remembered who my roommate was.

I pulled my sheets over my head and pretended as if I hadn’t woken up. I was pretending as if I hadn’t left Johnnie standing alone after he had hailed a taxi for the both of us. I was pretending as if I hadn’t loved the smitten look on his face. I was pretending as if I hadn’t deceived him. I had confused him, but I justified it by telling myself that he had gotten what he wanted.

I looked at Kayla, and for a moment I felt my heart jump into my throat. She’s in love with him. He’s not in love with her, but she’s in love with him. I couldn’t tell her. I wouldn’t tell her. The repercussions could be endless. I convinced myself that I wanted to practice and made myself as decent as I could, but all I came up with was yoga short and a white t-shirt. Not even three minutes into my piece and the practice room door swings open.

“What happened last night? I knocked on your door last night for an hour.” Johnnie didn’t sit down.

“You shouldn’t have. You’re lucky Kayla wasn’t there. I was in the shower.” I look at my piece of music and pretend to examine it.

“And I texted you.” He crosses his arms over his chest.

“My phone was off.” I shrug still not looking at him. I erased a note in my journal and rewrote it. C-Flat.

“You’re phone is never off when Kayla goes out!” He snapped. “Can you look at me?” He was angry.

“What?” I turn to him, staring at him across the room.

“What happened?” He took a softer tone.

“Nothing. I was on the rebound.” I motion and my stomach drops. “You got what you wanted.” I shrugged.

“I asked you if you would regret it.” He was looking in my eyes, but I was staring at his forehead.

“I lied.” I shrugged.

“No you didn’t.” He denied.

“Yes I did. I knew this would happen.” I didn’t want to care. “You got what you wanted, Johnnie. You won. Now we can both just go on like it never really happened.”

“This is bullshit. Grow up, Gabrielle.” He seemed disgusted.

“What?”

“You talk all this shit about how you don’t like games, but you love them. You really do. You liked Reid because you could control him.” He said spitefully.

Silence.

“You’re just scared that you could really want someone as much as they want you.”

I knew he was right.

“Make up your mind or leave me the hell alone for good.” His face grew tense.

“Are you giving me an ultimatum?” I narrowed my eyes at him skeptically.

“You know that’s not what this is.” He was reaching his end.

“I can’t.” I shook my head no. I felt my stomach turn.

“You can’t.” He scoffed. He began to walk towards the door.

“I want to.” I breathed as he touched the door knob.

“So why did you run away from me?” He turned away from the door.

“We can’t, Johnnie. I promised Kayla a long time ago.” I began.

“Are we serious about this?” He smirked.

“I promised and I swore and I can’t break that. She’s in love with you! She will always be in love with you and I can’t do this to her.” I was trying my best, but I didn’t think he got it.

“What am I suppose to do about that?” He says hastily.

“You don’t understand!” I nearly shouted, slapping a hand over my mouth.

“Alright. Alright, calm down okay?” He touched my cheek.

“Okay.” I bit my lip.

”She can’t stop us. She can’t stop you or me.” I knew he didn’t care much.

“I’m not like that Johnnie, I can’t do that.” I scrunch my nose up in disapproval. He just laughed and circled my cheek with his thumb.

“I know you don’t care.” I glanced away from him.

“I care, Gabrielle, but come on. How far are we going to really let her go here?”

“What if we don’t tell her.” I suggested. “Just for now.”

“I don’t want to do that.” He objected.

“It’s not funny. Even if we don’t tell her she’ll notice.” I added. “It won’t work.”

“ I don’t want to do that, Gabrielle. Why can’t we just be together?”

“ What if we act really discreet for a while?” I continued.

“Then what’s the point?” He was already annoyed.

“She’s my roommate, Johnnie. If you haven’t noticed, I don’t exactly have a thousand friends in New York to choose from. It’s too late to ask for a reassignment. My Dad doesn’t like me, and I don’t know anyone else here. The few friends I made just so happened to scatter when Reid started to spread that rumor. And almost everyone I care about is back home.”

“Your Dad cares about you.” He interjected.

“Kayla may not be my best friend, but at least she doesn’t hate me.”

“Johnnie I can’t do this, It doesn’t feel right,” I shake my head.

“It’s not like I’m cheating on her or something.” He defended.

“It’s not like that. You don’t know her like I do. You don’t know the things she says to me about you.” I run through it all in my mind. “How long has it been?” He knew what I was talking about.

“What?” He seems taken aback.

“How long has it been since you two-” I say simply.

“Is that what this is about?” He seemed slightly taken aback. “Do you remember that first week, when you got here? We haven’t had sex since then.”

“What?” Shocked was an understatement.

“Kayla always made it sound like…” I trailed off.

“Yeah, well she’s creative isn’t she? I mean we’ve hooked up since then, but that was the last time we actually had sex.” He nodded, sure of himself.

“Is that what’s bothering you, because-” He started.

“I can’t do it.” I shook my head in refusal.

“So what does this mean?” He looks absolutely puzzled.

“We can’t, Johnnie. It’s just dangerous territory.” I explained.

“So that’s all there is?” His face dropped.

“I guess so.” I shrugged hopelessly.

“And you’re sure this is what you want?” He took a deep breath.

“I’m positive.” I blinked. “It’s what’s right.” I confirm.

He just nodded his head.



It had been four days. Four whole days. I had thought it was going to be easy doing the right thing, but the right thing just so happened to be difficult. I was quietly going insane. Johnnie and I didn’t speak beyond short hello’s. It’s not that we were holding grudges towards each other, it was just too hard.

I hated everything that made Johnnie, him because I had convinced myself that I couldn’t have it. I hated the dimple in his left cheek, the smell of his cologne, his cotton t-shirts and the way they always seemed to compliment the shades of blue in his eyes. Most of all, I hated his voice. I missed it.

Maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad if I didn’t see him a hundred times a day. Maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad if I was allowed to tell someone. Maybe it wouldn’t have been nearly as dreadful if I could’ve just avoided him all together, but I couldn’t. Kayla never shut up about the damn guy. I knew I deserved it, but that didn’t make things any easier. From where I was sitting, things had looked easy for him and I hated that.

Music theory was the worst. He always sat right in front of me and he always wore nice things. He always smiled. I could always smell reminisce of his cologne. He always looked at me without saying anything, but when he spoke I liked listening to the sound of his voice.

He made everything difficult.

“Are you alright?” I had been spilled over my books since music theory, catching up on whatever work I could find. “Hello.” Kayla waved a hand in front of my face.

“Yeah.” I put my pen down and looked up at her. I had been laying on my stomach, on top of my bed. Papers were everywhere.

“Listen, I’m sorry about how things worked out with Reid. I know you really liked him.” She brushed her pin straight hair behind her shoulders.

“Thanks, Kayla.” I nodded at her effort. Reid wasn’t the problem. I didn’t miss him.

“How about we go out? You’ve been working on all this stuff for hours.” She motioned to the books sprawled out around me. “Please!” She pleaded. “You deserve it! You’ve been good! Living like a nun, and I commend you for that! I really do, but please have some fun with me!” She smiled warmly, After all, she was all I had. She really wasn’t so bad.

“What did you have in mind?” I sat up and pulled my hair out of my face.

“Well, there’s this party…” She began.

“Kayla!”

“come on, it’s been a really long time! If it makes you feel any better, I’ve confirmed that Reid won’t be there. I’m not saying you should hook-up, but there will be plenty of eye candy. You deserve eye candy, Gabrielle!”

“What’s in it for you?” I began to walk over towards my wardrobe.

“Just get dressed!” She squealed as she ran into the bathroom to heat up her curler.

“Okay.” I began to thumb through my clothes.

“Look HOT!” She shouted.

“Of course.” She could sense the sarcasm in my tone.

“Just in case Reid shows up, you want to make him suffer!” What if Johnnie showed up?

The music was loud, blaring actually. The moment I walked through the threshold of whatever Manhattan pent I was in, I began to regret it. I felt myself pulling at the hem of my hot-pink skirt. I had let Kayla talk me into pulling it up too high, but it still looked fantastic against my skin. I touched the sleeves of my cropped leather jacket. My heels weren’t even worth it. I didn’t feel great, but knew I looked it. I pretended well, although Johnnie was nowhere in my sight.

It was dark, loud, and some strange, unappetizing scent was beginning to haunt me. Kayla had left me with the promise of drinks. I had been standing in the same spot for twenty minutes, wondering if she was actually coming back, or if I should even bother to look for her.

I began to trace the empty coaster on the counter in front of me. I felt my phone vibrate in my clutch.

You’re killing me. –Johnnie.

I didn’t look for him. I didn’t answer. It vibrated once more.

You’re doing this on purpose. –Johnnie.

I felt my eyes instinctively darting around the room for him. I glanced over my shoulder. Nothing. I was there for all the wrong reasons, and it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair to either of us and I knew exactly what I was doing.

I walked towards the elevator, and waited for it to open once more. I didn’t need to be there and it wasn’t helping me. I needed to hail a taxi, and retreat back into my room, because going out with Kayla would never become a good idea. No matter how good her intentions were. I approached the curb and began to wave for a taxi.

“I miss you too.” I knew his voice. I knew it was Johnnie.

“It’s too hard.” I got into the taxi, expecting him to let me close the door, but he didn’t. He held it and slid in right next to me.

“I can’t do it.” He shrugged. “And you’re not making it any easier.” He motioned towards my outfit.

“I know.” I mumbled an address the taxi driver.

“You don’t really want me to.” He was having half an epiphany. “You just want me to think you do.” He knew it.

I ran my fingers through my hair nervously.

“I miss you, Gabrielle.” He put his hand on top of mine.

I nodded my head.

“You’re really going to make me do this in the back of a cab?” He looked at me with flushing cheeks. “In front of this driver?”

“Ain’t nothing I haven’t seen before.” The elderly driver looked into the rear view mirror.

“Yeah? How long have you been doing this?”

“I been doin this here for forty-two years.” He smiled a toothy grin.

“And has anyone ever asked you your opinion on something?”

“Sure, kid. Sure! I talked a man off a ledge once in 92’.” I looked at Johnnie, making sure he wasn’t teasing the man. He wasn’t. He wouldn’t.

“George?” He searched for his name on an ancient certificate. “Have you ever fallen for a girl that drove you insane?” I watched as the dimple went in on his left cheek as he smiled.

“Ain’t that the best kind?” He smiled and touched his brow.

“And what she cared what everybody thought, and everybody didn’t want you together?”

“I’d say screw em. Especially for a little slice like that?” He nodded towards me, but I wasn’t offended. “Hey kid, believe it or not, I was prettier than you back in my day.” I felt a smile break on my lips, and heard Johnnie’s hearty laugh.

“I believe it, George.” His voice brought comfort.

“I use to have a girl like her once.” George smiled.

“And what happened?” Johnnie looked at me curiously.

“I let her get away from me, because she was too special you know? She was different.” His eyes gleamed nostalgically. “But I was a kid. What did I know? One fight and I thought we were kaput.” He stopped at a red light. “But she didn’t, and we weren’t.” He shrugged.

“Yeah?” George waved off the memory, as if it were a cloud looming over his own head.

“You fight for what you want, Kid. Women?” George looked at me in the mirror. “They deserve to be fought for.” The taxi came to a gentle stop. “Now, scoot.”

“Goodnight.” Johnnie handed George a twenty.

“Fight, Kid.” He winked. “Because when she’s gone she ain’t commin back.”

“Then, I won’t let go.” Johnnie grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the cab.

“Johnnie.” I had taken us to the only other place I knew by heart.

“I want to be with you.” He took both hands and looked right into my eyes. We were standing near a wall of Central Park, near a bench. I could count the flecks of silver in his gray baby blues. “And I know you want to be with me too.”

“It’s too hard to stay away from you.” I breathed.

It was easy doing the wrong thing.

He always felt so right.