When I Grow Up, I Want to Be Famous

“Wine?”

I looked up and smiled at the glass extended towards me. I took it straight away. It really was my new addiction.

“Thanks,” I said, shifting over on the bench to make room for him. “You’re starting to read me like a book.”

“I wish, I’d understand your moods better if that were true,” Harry teased, grinning at me. I dug my elbow in his side. Hard.

“I’m not that bad,” I argued, sipping my wine and pulling my sunglasses on. He tilted his head as if considering it and I elbowed him again. “I’m going to ignore you this evening if you’re not careful.”

“I’m sorry,” he said a bit more seriously, drinking his own beer. “Lacey’s got a nice place.”

“I know it’s mental right? I thought my new house was impressive when I moved up here but this...”

Lacey was rich. Her house was just insane. We were currently all sat in her massive back garden on the patio soaking up the summer sun. My eyes traced over the intricate patterns of the stone beneath our feet that stopped a few meters away to a large stretch of lush green lawn. At the end of the garden was the most beautiful pond complete with its own waterfall. I could see flashes of white and orange in the water where the sun was reflecting off some kind of fish.

I set my glass down on the detailed wooden table in front of us and sank down in my seat. This was bliss. To be fair it had been a pretty awesome summer. I don’t think I’d really spent a second alone.

“Hello,” Alice sang as she sat down on the other side of me.

“Hey Al.”

“Is he coming tonight Lace?” Mia asked, sitting in the seats opposite.

“As far as I know,” she replied as she passed the table, vanishing into her house with a handful of empty wine bottles.

“The lot of them are coming,” Grace smiled. “Chill.”

Mia started to bounce a little in her seat, her eyes trained on Lacey’s backdoor. She wasn’t going to relax any time soon. I started to smile.

“You all ready for Reading next week?” Grace asked, obviously trying to change the subject to calm her.

I sank awkwardly down in my seat, my eyes trained on the table.

“Huh? Oh yeah, we’re using your dad’s tent right?” Mia replied, her head snapping to Grace instantly.

“Yeah he got it out of the loft this afternoon.”

“I fucking hate camping,” Sophie chirped up, wrinkling her nose and shuddering slightly. “It’s the spiders.”

“I think the idea is that you get so rat arsed you don’t notice the things crawling over you when you sleep,” Grace laughed and burst into complete hysterics at Sophie’s violent shudder. Everyone laughed but me.

“You should come Jase,” Alice said, noting this.

“Yeah! Frankie Smith’s selling his ticket!” Mia gasped as if this piece of information had just hit her full force. “Oh my God! Please come!”

“Yeah come on it’ll be a laugh!” Grace added when she’d recovered, still holding her side.

“There are different stages you know,” Harry whispered to me. I knew what he meant. If there was some acts I wanted to avoid seeing... I could. Everyone I knew was going... It would be the first time this summer I would actually be alone.

I made a groaning and longing noise at the same time and they could see they were getting through to me. They all sat up, bouncing and shouting now trying to convince me to come.

“Fine!” I finally said, holding my hands up. This was probably my last time with everyone before they went off to Uni. It would be the perfect send off.

“Sorted,” Mia said, getting on her phone to text Frankie about the ticket.

I shook the reason for me not wanting to go from my mind before it infected it completely. I snapped back and smiled again, snatching up my wine.

More guests started arriving at Lacey’s. A few girls from school and some boys that were Connor and Harry’s friends. There were about thirty people in the end. I chatted with some girl’s from my classes but I just wanted to be with my best St Alb- No... My best friends. I managed to sneak away from the superficial girls that I didn’t really care for and found some breathing space at the end of the garden. Lacey’s pond had some pretty detail lighting that hung in the trees over head and lit up from underneath the water. I watched the swimming fish in a trance.

“It’s Jasey right?”

My eyes blinked as the voice startled me and I stood up a little straighter. I smiled at the new comer. It was the boy Mia liked. Danny Howard. He was only just taller than me and obviously looked after himself physically. It was the diamond earring that put me off. All the same I replied politely.

“Yeah, is it Danny?” I asked as I took his hand.

“Yes it is,” he seemed surprised that I knew his name.

“Connor’s friend?” I asked to help him clear up how I made the connection. Realisation flickered over and he nodded.

“Do you want to sit down?” he indicated to the small wall on the edge of the pond. I nodded politely wanting nothing more than to run away and sat down. I looked down into the water to avoid awkward eye contact. We kept up small talk but I could see his intentions getting clearer. He moved closer to me and his voice dropped. Mia obviously wasn’t his interest.

“I think I’m going to get another glass,” I said when he’d gotten a little too close. He put his hand on mine when I made to get up.

“No stay, it’s so pretty down here and privat-”

“Hey Danny,” Harry’s voice was sharp.

We both jumped and looked up. I smiled at him with relief.

“Can I speak to Jase a second?”

“We were just-”

“Please, it’s really important.” They stared at each other for a long moment. I could almost taste the testosterone. Danny sniffed and then slowly got up, releasing my hand. I slowly took it back, tucking it under my leg. They held each other’s gaze until Danny passed and headed back towards the house. My shoulders relaxed and leant back with a small chuckle.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, thought you were looking uncomfortable, maybe I am starting to read you better,” he said with a laugh, sitting himself down next to me.

“Maybe,” I agreed and grinned. Harry made me feel so comfortable it was unreal.

“Looks like you’ve got some new admirers Warne,” he warned quietly.

I shook my head in denial.

“I don’t want any,” I whispered to the floor and then looked up at Harry. He looked a little disappointed. We looked at each other long and hard, trying to read the other. Then, for the first time since we’d met, Harry’s eyes dropped to my lips, ever so briefly. My breathing caught and my stomach flipped. Fuck.

“Any?” he asked, his voice deeper.

My lack of response evidently wasn’t a denial. Truth was I was trying to think things over in my head. I liked Harry. Harry was my friend. Harry was a good friend. I’d fallen in love with my last best male friend and look at where that had gotten me. Harry’s lips were on mine before I could properly figure out what I wanted.

I didn’t pull away.

Harry was going to Edinburgh Uni in a few weeks whilst I took my year off. He probably saw this as his last chance with me... and this was my last chance with him. I was allowed to indulge myself wasn’t I?

Trying to push my internal battle out of my head I just let myself relax. I relaxed into Harry. One of his hands slipped around my waist and pulled my slightly closer.

That’s when the familiarity hit. My first flash of Josh Franceschi hit as I kissed another boy. I screwed my eyes tight as if it would make it go away. Harry paused to let his breathe but I leant forwards and caught his mouth again, with a stronger sense of determination this time.

The lips were unfamiliar, the wrong temperature, just... wrong against mine. I knew I was going to have to get over this so I leant even more into him, kissing him harder, wrapping my hand into his hair... My hand froze. I used to do that with Josh. I dropped my hand instantly and made a small huff. Harry leant back and frowned at me questioningly.

I groaned and buried my head onto his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around me and I think he understood.

***

“My head is actually pounding,” Alice’s voice drifted through my open tent door. My eyes opened slowly to find blaring sunlight. I blinked a few times trying to get my bearings and what happened last night.

We were at Reading Festival. Last night had been the first night and we had definitely over done it.

“We’re going to have to buy some more water. I wonder if we can get our hands on some pain killers,” Mia answered her.

“Or some more booze,” Lacey said in a gruff voice. I could image the three nursing their heads with large sunglasses on to block out the bright light. I stretched in my sleeping bag and took a few more moments to wake myself up.

“Urg, no more booze,” Alice said and her voice caught as if she was going to throw up.

“Yeah not after last night,” Mia agreed in the same disgusted voice.

“You say this now,” Lacey said grouchily and I could tell she was nursing the same headache as the rest of us. I assessed my body. I felt a little queasy but not too bad, the sunlight hurt my eyes a little but it was adjusting.

“So who do you want to see today?” Grace asked.

“No screaming business, I might claw my way through the crowd to bottle them,” Lacey grunted. She seemed to be suffering the worst.

“Good thing you came to reading then,” Grace mumbled.

“Ohh no I really want to see Enter Shikari later on the main stage,” Alice whined.

“Fine, you lot go, I might sleep until this evening,” Lacey growled.

“There’s someone I really want to see,” Mia said in a hushed voice. “The... unmentionable band.”

My eyes blinked fully awake and I frowned in confusion at the mouth of my tent.

There was a long silence.

“Is that a good idea? We don’t want to upset Jase,” Alice said in a soft voice finally. My heart panged with appreciation and they dropped the subject.

“I know,” Mia said and sighed. I smiled briefly and then rolled over onto my back. Harry was still passed out next to me. I gently stroked his nose until his eyes opened too.

“Come on, I think we’re the only ones not up,” I said quietly and jumped to my feet. I blinked furiously as I stepped outside and pulled on my sunnies.

“So we’re off to the second stage today then is it?”

Everyone stared up at me with a mixture of guilt and horror.

“Sorry, we didn’t know you were awake,” Mia said tentatively. I laughed.

“Girls it’s fine,” I said earnestly. “Admittedly I’m a little curious.”

“Are you sure?” Alice asked, looking doubtful. I could tell she was as curious as I was.

“Yeah, why not?”

We decided to get rehydrated first and fill up on as much food as we could manage, fixing our salt levels. We then headed over to the tent that held the second stage. It was pretty full already. As we were all feeling pretty rough we held to the back of the crowd, leaving plenty of space between us and people. It was nice to relax in the shade.

By the time the second act came on Alice was nudging me.

“Jase, Jase, isn’t that that Georgina girl?”

I craned around the back of Harry to look at where she was pointing. I didn’t really recognise anyone until... no wait there she was! She was about ten people away from us but wasn’t with anyone I really recognised, she must be with her home friends. I found myself smiling at the old face. I turned back to the show. Then Alice was smiling and waving at her before I could stop her. I glanced around and found her looking at me. She looked pleased if slightly surprised. At least she wasn’t giving me death stares.

They all came over.

“Jasey?” she asked with a laugh.

I just smiled and responded with a “Hello.”

“Wow, I didn’t expect to see you here, how’ve you been?”

We exchanged a good half hour of chatting. Harry and Alice started chatting to Georgina’s friends whilst Lacey, Grace and Mia went to go fetch some food and drinks.

“You staying for...?” she asked awkwardly, nodding towards the stage. The band were due on next.

“Yeah, it’s why we’re here actually,” I said with a genuine smile. It felt healthy to be here. “I thought I was going to feel really nervous about it,” I admitted. “But I feel fine actually and I can’t wait until they come on. They always put on a good show.”

“Yeah they do,” She smiled and her eyes shifted over me as if she was assessing me. “You know you should come back stage and say hello? Literally everyone is here. They’ve got the biggest friend list back there.”

“I don’t want to impose or anything.”

“I don’t think they’d see it that way,” she said and I picked up on some form of meaning in her voice.

“Everyone’ll surely come out to see the headline acts on the main stage later? I really want to see their set.”

“Yeah okay, I’ve still got your number so I’ll give you a ring and we’ll meet up later this evening then?” she asked, pulling out her phone to check it.

“Yeah sure,” I agreed.

She flashed me a smile but had to turn to her friend who was asking her something. I looked up at Harry who was avoiding my gaze, staring at the stage but his eyes were glazed like he wasn’t seeing it. Oh shit yeah, Harry. Oh bloody hell I couldn’t get anything right. I slipped my arm around his waist, gave him a squeeze and then relaxed out, wrapping both hands around my cup. He smiled a little.

Finally they came on. Suddenly I was nervous. I was bouncing where I stood, my eyes fixed on the stage. The crowd went nuts, the lights lit up and I stood up on my tiptoes. They came on all together and a wave of nostalgia washed over me. I could smell a million memories and my stomach twisted as if experiencing a ton of emotions. I couldn’t help but smile. Maybe I had grown up. Maybe I could deal with this.

They opened with a new song and my heart sank. I was hoping for some old numbers I could handle, not new ones where I got to witness the aggression first hand. I could see Georgina glance at my nervously as if she’d forgotten they were going to play this and my entire body inflated with anxiety.

“You're so good and you're so bad,
and everybody wants to be your man.”

I did my best to keep my face neutral and buried my mouth behind my glass. Revenge song.

“You’re so good and you’re so bad
and everybody wants to be
in your hair and under your skin.” I frowned slightly. That was bollocks.

“and in those clothes,
and on those lips.” I snorted and everyone looked at me. I bit my lip guiltily. Harry was glaring slightly.

“But me.” I rolled my eyes. Of course.

“Kiss and tell, everybody else
and you're at your best
when I'm making, making baby steps.”

Huh. There was no way he was referencing what happened between Harry and I the other night but he must have what... presumed it? And he was still suffering? I was praying this song was written a while ago.

“You make the rules up as you go
So I've gotta make some of my own.”

Okay, maybe our break up had been a bit sudden.

“You make the rules up as you go
so I'm gonna send your love home.” I shook my head slightly at the stage and sighed.

“What did you expect from me?
I said there's so much more that you won't see.”

Oh I wouldn’t be so sure.

“What did you expect from me?
I said I'm smarter than him you see.” My eyes widened before I winced. Ouch. Poor Harry.

“Kiss and tell, everybody else
and you're at your best,
when I'm making, baby steps,
and I'm sick and tired of being the good guy.”

The good guy? I paused over that. Okay... Yes, Josh is a good guy.

“And I've done my time,
you should hit the back of the line.” So he was over me? This boy confused the fuck out of me. My brief anger passed.

“I know, you don't need to tell me,” he repeated over and over again. Tell him? What? I didn’t say anything! I kept my distance. Maybe this was about the party where it was the last time we’d seen each other? At Emily’s?

Kiss and tell
Everybody else
and you're at your best
when I'm making baby steps
and I'm sick and tired
of being the good guy,
And I've done my time,
you should hit the back of the line.”

The crowd went wild. I let out a long sigh as I processed over what I’d just heard. It was a... good song. Their poppiest yet but it was hard to ignore the subject matter. I suppose I should be used to it by now. I sipped my drink and stared at the ground. I could feel Harry, Alice and Georgina’s eyes trained on me.

It took until part way through the next song for me to finally look up and actually smile at the stage. Their bouncing enthusiasm was infectious as was the atmosphere in the tent. The crowd absolutely adored them and despite everything that had happened I felt so proud. They’d packed out a tent at Reading yet again and had such a loyal following. I looked around at the faces around us and each person was singing their hearts out to each word.

Their one but last song caught me by surprise. They completely toned down their set and Chris plucked that oh so soft and beautiful melody for ‘Always Attract’. My heart melted. They were still playing it. He still sang it.

I hadn’t heard this song in a long time. I bit down hard on my lip when the tears welled up in my eyes. I forced myself to get a grip. The first few lines always got me.

“And if it hurts this much,
Then it must be love,
It’s a lottery,
I can’t wait to draw your name.”

When my eyes finally cleared I realised Josh was singing to the ground, slightly turned away from the crowd.

“Keeping me awake, it's been like this now for days,
My heart is out at sea, my head all over the place,
I'm losing sense of time and everything tastes the same,
I'll be home in a day, I fear that's a month too late.”

He sang it with such sincerity I couldn’t focus on anything else but him. Did he miss me? Maybe he didn’t hate me.

“That night I slept on your side of the bed
So it was ready when you got home”

And what about me? How did I feel? I stood there and stared at the boy who had been my whole life since I was a young girl. Who I’d fallen in love with progressively and had been my best friend more than anyone else in the world.

“We're like noughts and crosses
In that opposites always attract.”

He was so true. We weren’t worlds apart but I hadn’t even looked at another boy properly. Harry was too similar to myself and I think that’s why I wasn’t as attracted to him as I wanted. No one in St Albans were like those I’d left behind.

“You've taken me to the top and let me fall back south
You've had me at the top of the pile and then had me kissing the ground
We've heard and seen it all, no one's talked us out
The problems that have come haven't yet torn us down.”

I noticed Georgina’s head turn to look at me and it took everything I had to hold on. Poor Josh. It must feel fucking awful to sing this live. If he couldn’t stand me he wouldn’t be singing this right? And just sing a load of bitchy shit. No Josh wasn’t like that. Sure, he had his outbursts but... He was Josh.

“Am I keeping you awake? If I am then just say
You can make your own decisions, you can make your own mistakes
I'll live and let die all the promises you made
But if you lie another time it'll be a lie that's too late.”

I bit down on the inside of my cheek. I was a fucking awful person. Thinking back. I had not handled any of it well. I’d well and truly fucked him over without so much of a ‘good bye’. I’d done it with his best interests at heart, or... had I?

Then the song started to build. My heart rose as the song did.

“You always have your way,
For now it's too soon for you to say will we be always, always.”

It smashed back down into my stomach. I turned on my heel and pushed past Harry. Everyone looked at me as I left the tent. I hurried out into the fresh air but I could still hear the words

“You've had your way, you've had your way, you've had your way...”

***

“This isn’t a good idea,” Harry said as he walked along side us.

“Why not?” I asked, searching the crowd as we headed to the point where we promised to meet Georgina.

“You broke up with him for good reasons Jase. This isn’t going to help either of you.”

“This is none of your business,” I snapped back. He pulled me to a halt and I blinked in confusion at the sudden movement. “What?”

I could see the pain there and I felt guilty. I wasn’t really thinking of Harry.

“Isn’t it?”

We stared at each other.

I knew there and then that there was going to be an ‘us’. Harry was a friend. That was all.

“Sorry,” was all I could say as I slowly slipped out of his grasp.

We finally found her with all her friends from earlier. Emily was there too. She hugged me and was squeaking with excitement. I had a drunken rant from her demanding why I hadn’t told her I was coming but that she forgave me anyway and... she loved me. I just laughed, hugged her tightly and then my heart started to go into overdrive. Could I do this?

Emily started dragging me towards where I presumed they’d left everyone.

“Em, does anyone know I’m here?” I asked quickly. Panicking.

“Only a few, depends if word’s spread.”

“Shit,” I hissed to myself. This may be an unpleasant shock for some people.

“I’d avoid Dan and Matt though,” she said, coming to an abrupt halt and I almost slammed into her.

“What? Why?”

Emily paused, looking at me as if debating spilling a serious story.

“Holy shit!”

I squealed as another pair of arms found their way around me. Alcohol and tobacco filled my senses along with another familiar scent.

“Max!”

He picked me up off the floor. I managed to swivel around and threw my own around him.

“Shit sake, I’ve told you for years to stop doing that!”

“You love it really,” he grinned. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

I nodded my head to my friends behind me. When I glanced myself I was surprised to see Harry still there, looking a little moody.

“They convinced me. I saw your set today. You owned that stage.”

Surprise quickly crossed Max’s face and he took a moment to compose his expression.

“You watched our set?”

“Yeah,” I said and grinned. “I do actually like your band Max.”

“Thanks,” he then suddenly looked around as if he realised he was in a band. I could tell other people were going to react differently to my presence. Georgina and Chris then found us.

“Jasey?”

“You alright Chris?” I asked, grinning again, my mouth was starting to ache. It was so good to see that they were still together. Alice and Mia started to get into a long conversation about how they thought the headliners were going to go down.

I wasn’t paying attention. I was looking around. There were some more faces I knew.

Rosie, Lucy, Tom, Ash, Booley, Nathan, Elliot.

They all found me one by one and started asking me a billion questions. Everyone was avoiding one key subject.

I found Matt or Dan off on their own with their own group of people a good few fifteen meters away and no one seemed phased by this.

Then I finally found him. He was texting on his phone as he came up to where everyone had obviously agreed to meet. Twenty meters from where we’d met Georgina and Emily.

He looked around blankly and then went to get a drink. There were a few of us watching him. Max was staring at him. He didn’t seem to see properly. He must have seen a few familiar faces and known he’d gotten the place right. Then he paused whilst texting on his phone as if he’d realised something. He looked up but before he could find us a tall brunette caught his arm and kissed his cheek. He was distracted and turned back to the bar.

My heart had well and truly fallen into my stomach. It was never going to resurface.

“Oh fuck, yeah,” Max breathed. “Look Jase, it’s not-”

I had no idea what he said. All I could hear was the pounding in my ears.

My gaze finally dropped. I didn’t want to stare at the couple. I sank into my hips and faced the main stage, completely confused. Alice came over and talked to us. Okay, maybe this was something I wasn’t ready to deal with.

Annoyed and disheartened I turned back and chanced a glance back over at him. He was talking intently to the girl. He seemed to feel someone looking at him and looked up to.

That’s when he saw me.