When I Grow Up, I Want to Be Famous

“I don’t start until the 26th,” Emily reminded me when I asked for the billionth time when she had to go back to university. A few of my St Albans friends, Mia and Grace had already moved to their new homes and so we’d had a big goodbye party last week.

“How about you Jase?” Nathan asked.

“I’m taking a gap year, I couldn’t decide what to do with myself,” I answered with a shrug. I’m thinking about doing something with either English or Geography but I’m still unsure.

“So what are you going to do?” Josh asked sounding more concerned than I expected. He was frowning at me. I knew the feeling. I hated the fact that he dropped out of school to carry on with the band, but... he was good at it.

“Uhh... Well I’m starting a job in Guess next month.”

“Only you could get a job there,” he muttered, rolling his eyes but smiling all the same. I returned it before glancing down at my bright pink cocktail. I stirred the contents with my straw, watching the ice swirl around my glass.

“So how does it feel to relax?” Emily asked Josh and Max. Chris was at home with Georgina and we hadn’t seen Dan or Matt. “You’ve been cooped up in that place all week. You must be going out of your mind by now.”

“It’s... not too bad,” Josh said slowly, chewing over his words and staring at the bubbles in his beer. Max’s body language slipped into the same as Josh’s automatically and there was a cold silence around our booth. I tried to catch Nathan’s eye but he was watching over our shoulders. Something was definitely up.

I opened my mouth to ask, sick of it when-

“Ahhh, shit,” Nathan grimaced, sinking down into the leather. Josh and Max looked up at the same time.

“Hey boys.”

Oh no. You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Rebecca.

I still hadn’t worked up the courage to ask Josh about her and I’d keenly avoided being around her but I didn’t know if that was just down to luck. I refused to talk about her.

My hand clenched around my glass and Emily stiffened next to me.

“Hey Becca,” Josh replied with a warm smile. “Hey Tina.”

The other girl flashed him a smile and waved to the rest of us. I couldn’t return it.

“Bathroom?” Emily whispered in my ear and pulled hard on my arm. We slid out of the booth. “Sorry be right back.”

She obviously thought I was going to hit something...

But I wasn’t. I could deal with this. I wasn’t going to cause a scene or be dramatic about this. I knew he was with someone. If I wanted to be his friend again I would have to accept it and behave a lot better than I had in the past. I could do this.

“I’m fine,” I whispered to her but she continued to push me forwards.

“Really?”

“Really!” I muttered. “Just... don’t let me drink much more.”

We stayed in the bathroom so no one got suspicious and then headed back. The two girls were sat in our booth. Rebecca next to Josh, Nathan squished at the end looking pissed off. Her friend, Tina, decided to slide up instead of letting us back in so I was sat opposite Rebecca.

Josh was looking at me but I didn’t want to meet his eye. I focused myself on Max and Emily instead who’d started a conversation about a new video game or something. Emily was such a guy sometimes. I had no idea what they were saying.

I couldn’t help but notice Rebecca’s hand on his arm.

I wanted to touch his arm. I wanted to hold his arm. I wanted to-

I snapped myself out of it.

I was not going to fall for him again.

The girls stayed for the rest of the evening. I left the table whenever I could but tried to keep as sober as possible. I couldn’t help but watch them. She was ALWAYS in contact with him. It was horrible to watch.

At around one in the morning she managed to drag him up to the dance floor.

I was transfixed and Emily could see this wasn’t helping.

“Come on, let’s go,” she muttered, pulling on my arm, shaking me out of my bubble. I left my untouched drink, shooting an apologetic wave at Max and daring a glance at Josh. He was watching me, Rebecca whispering in his ear. I swallowed and left.

***

“You know why they won’t let us in the studio’s don’t you?” Emily mused the following Monday.

I shrugged, staring at her TV screen. There was fuck all on during the day. I was half aware of the lie detector results airing on Jeremy Kyle. I needed to go back soon. My parents were going to kill me.

“It’s because bloody arse face doesn’t want you see him abuse you song after song as they actually construct the bloody things!”

She was bored and maybe a bit PMS-y. To be honest I was starting to feel the same. We were only allowed to see our friends outside of ‘recording hours’. It was sort of understandable until Em brought this idea up.

I sank lower into her sofa, rubbing my hand over my face and groaning.

“Thanks,” I sighed. “I didn’t really think of that. How do you know they’ll be about me anyway, he may even have a few love songs on there for ‘Beccy’.” My face wrinkled in disgust.

“Still reason to not let us in.”

“Thanks,” I repeated and huffed into a pillow.

***

“You’re going back tomorrow?” Georgina asked me, confusion clouding her face.

“Yeah, I’m running out of clothes and I haven’t seen my parents in a while...” I said with a drawn sigh, raking my fingers through my hair, parting it. “My mother is going to murder me when I get home.”

“Probably,” Max agreed “But fuck it? Come back down soon?”

“Yeah, I’ve got a free few weeks,” I agreed.

“And after that,” Max whispered to me, his voice full of meaning so I had to look at him in confusion.

I swear all we do socially is drink but considering this was my last night for a while the guys seemed to want to send me out in style. Yet again, Dan and Matt were absent and Chris and Georgina mainly kept to themselves. We were at Josh and Max’s rented flat. The usual people were here. Those who’d been working with the band all day had been invited and the crew too. Weirdly Rebecca wasn’t here but I didn’t question it.

We played a long session of drinking games, including ‘I never’ where we found out some interesting facts about each other. Elliot had been caught in the act by his mum, Rosie had had a lesbian experience and Nathan had had a weird sex dream about someone playing but wouldn’t tell no matter how much we coaxed him to drink.

When things became blurry and the lights bright I got to my feet and staggered to the small patio to have some fresh air and a cigarette.

“I thought we were quitting?”

I dropped my lighter and he picked it up for me.

“I am,” I answered, stubbing my just-lit-cigarette out on the wall. “I’m drunk. I do stupid things when drunk.”

He laughed and shrugged.

“True, true.”

I punched him in the arm as I cried out with mock horror. He laughed harder and ducked my attempts. I couldn’t help but smile and leant forwards on the wall to try and steady myself. I rested my forearms on the bricks and ignored the pain. The fluorescent street lights were unnaturally bright and made my head spin.

“I need to stop drinking,” I groaned, tilting my head down.

“Probably, but we’re young, we’re meant to do all this shit now,” he answered, imitating my pose. I turned my head so I could talk to him properly. Our foreheads were about an inch apart.

“I don’t know if I can take it,” I said and quietly laughed.

“You are a bit of a pussy,” he teased and I scowled at him.

“Urgg, I hate that word,” I wrinkled my nose and laughed again. My laughter died away and we stood in silence. Despite the fact that my vision was spinning I could see him watching me. He was so completely focused on my face like he was trying to take in every detail. My stomach churned.

“You know...” he started. “I thought... I didn’t expect...”

“What?” I asked when he didn’t finish. He stared at me as if searching for the right words. His brilliant blue, even in the fake orange light, were boring into mine.

“You.”

I didn’t know how to respond or even make complete sense of what he’d just said. My lips parted and I let out a small pant.

My eyes dropped to his lips. I missed his lips. I wanted his lips.

Unconsciously I moved my face closer to his so now it was my nose that was an inch away. His nose touched mine and his gaze dropped, his eyes flooding with desire. My eyes shut as my stomach rose. It seemed so slow, his skin grazing against mine until finally our lips met.

It felt right.

Harry had felt wrong.

This... this... was perfect.

Slowly we parted slightly but came back together with more pressure. We kissed like that for what felt like a lifetime. I started to turn my body when the door opened.

We shot apart like we’d been caught doing something wrong.

“Uhhh, sorry,” Rosie squeaked, her eyes wide and she slammed the door shut. My heart was slamming against my chest and neither of us moved for at least a minute.

“We should probably...” I said, trailing off and indicating at the door. He nodded, awkwardly scratching the back of his head. I opened the door and hurried into the room, adjusting myself as we crept back into the drunken mess in the living area.

***

We’d kissed.

We’d kissed.

We’d kissed.

So... what did that mean?

It was weird. It felt new and familiar at the same time. I didn’t bring pain. It just made me want more. He’d kissed me too. He hadn’t pulled away. He’d wanted it just as much as I did. Or was that the alcohol...?

No, no, no I was over thinking this. I over thought everything. But... WHAT DID THIS MEAN?!

The worst thought that came into my head – Had he cheated on Rebecca?

***

Of course it would rain the next day. I glared out into the platform as the rain dropped inches from my face. People were purposely avoiding me, there was this empty radius in the crowd around me, it was like I was giving off beams of negative radiation. My head hurt and I wanted to throw up and I couldn’t tell if it was from my hangover or my emotions.

My train was late. Obviously.

My mind was racing. I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about last night. Emily was basically on the floor so I had to get her home, not getting my chance to say goodbye to him or get myself an explanation so now my brain was full of questions.

I still wasn’t sure how I felt but the giant ache in my gut was a pretty clear indicator. I couldn’t have him. It didn’t work. I missed him like hell and there was no way best friends was ever going to work with us, even since we were kids we were always something more, that wasn’t going to change now.

Did his response mean he felt the same? He did make an effort to find me last night. He hadn’t texted or called...

I should just leave and never come back.

Fuck. I couldn’t do it no matter how hard I tried. I’d already gone through all that and yet I was still stood here in Surrey. There was never turning away. I wasn’t going to find... I swallowed... love like this again.

I swear I was going to start crying there and then on the platform. I sniffed and glared across the station.

Then I could hear my name being called. It slowly snapped my out of my gaze. I turned around, confused to see the source. There were too many people. I couldn’t see anything. Then he managed to break his way through.

He was dripping wet. His fringe was plastered to his forehead and the rest was sticking up in weird directions. There was a raindrop running off his nose and his t-shirt was drenched. He was panting like he’d been running. He stared at me with such determination.

All words caught in my throat.

He crossed to me and grabbed my arms. We met half way. We kissed. His face was frozen against my own. He was wet and cold and so familiar. He was everything. I slid my hand up into the back of his dripping hair and clung on to him.

He pulled back to search my face. I don’t know what he was looking for.

“Don’t go.”

I swallowed hard and blinked furiously.

“I- I –I’ve got to go back,” I choked. “I’m sorry.”

“Come back,” he said quickly. “Please Jase... We’re... we...”

I silenced him with another kiss. He looked so pained when I pulled back.

“I know.”

“Whatever shit happened before... we can do this... Please, don’t go...”

And I realised he didn’t mean to St Albans. He wanted us again.

I stared at him for a long time, droplets from his hair rolled down onto his face which was a painful shade of red, he looked so cold.

I pulled myself up onto my toes, pulled his face to mine, kissed him gently and whispered.

“I’m yours. Always have been, always will.”

He kissed me back enthusiastically as a response. I could feel his happiness in every fibre of his body. His face and being radiated it. His face slid down to my neck and we embraced each other tightly.

“We can do this,” he mumbled into my hair.

“Yeah...” I replied, staring upwards, and holding my breath.

***

“She’s going to kill me,” I groaned, rubbing my temples. Erin pulled a face of consideration and tilted her head from side to side, she finally shrugged and smiled. I glowered at her in return.

“Oh she’ll be fine,” she dismissed. “Dad’ll talk her ‘round and as long as her little princess is okay why would she complain?”

“Cause her little princess will be a mess again if this goes wrong,” I groaned, rubbing my eyes.

“Nahhh,” Erin responded easily. “You’ll work it out better this time, you’re not kids anymore. You obviously like each other a hell of a lot.”

I didn’t reply and stared at the worktop.

I loved him.

And those words had never felt truer.

“I’d still punch him if the album is a middle finger to you,” she said bluntly. “No one talks shit about my lil sis.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at her. Then the front door opened and we both froze.

Right... time to let mother know then...

***

“She tried grounding me,” I said honestly, staring at the ceiling, refusing to look at him.

“Looks like I won’t be visiting St Albans any time soon then,” he said awkwardly, he reached for my hand and I finally looked down at him.

I laughed.

“Give it a month,” I replied. His face fell and he winced awkwardly.

“Perfect timing then.”

Ahh yeah. The band were going on the American AP Tour that they’d managed to set up during their time on Warped Tour. They were leaving tomorrow for almost two months.

I could do this...

We hadn’t officially said we were boyfriend and girlfriend but it didn’t feel like labelling anything. This was too fresh. I still hadn’t told my friends back home. We hadn’t kissed since the train station either...

I put a smile on and tried to joke about him going away.

“You’ll definitely be avoiding the dragon’s wrath,” I agreed. “She’ll come around to it.”

He laughed loudly and snorted.

“Your mother has NEVER liked me,” he argued. “Even when we were little kids. I was the trouble maker who was a bad influence on her little angel. Remember when I convinced you to come away from the class on the trip to beach?”

“We almost died!”

“Rubbish!” he snorted.

“They had to call the coastguard.”

He just laughed harder at the memory. I grinned back.

“And I will never forget the first time I brought you back home drunk!”

I cringed at the memory, leaning forwards and wanting to bury my face in my knees.

“You were all over the place after a few beers and I had to deliver you home. You spewed on that lovely fur rug of hers. The look she gave me. I thought she was going to spit fire.”

“She probably can,” I replied, resurfacing from my legs and laughing.

“Another drink?” he teased and I mimed feigning sickness.

I got up and followed him into his new kitchen. Max had already moved his stuff back to Weybridge but Josh wanted to use the last few days of renting this place for some privacy before they went away.

“Are you going to move back to Surrey?” I asked curiously, jumping up on the counter top while he opened another bottle of Budweiser. He must have noticed something in my voice to know there was more to my question. He dropped the bottle cap.

“Yeah,” he answered without looking at me. “Why?”

“Just wondering,” I answered trying to sound as casual as possible. “Do you have to move back there? I mean you could go anywhere...”

His face saddened and he put his drink down.

“My whole family is there Jase, my friends, my life is in Weybridge... I can’t leave it all for-”

“Me,” I finished for him. “I know, I was just wondering...”

He gave me a sad smile and I forced one onto my face. I failed so he came over to me. He stood in front of me and lifted my chin.

“No matter where we are in this world, it’ll always be you and me okay?”

I was too focused on his fingertips. His thumb was stroking just to the left of my lips. I nodded ever so gently, holding his gaze. Everything I’d ever know flooded through me. I could smell everything that reminded me of him from everything from beer to the sea to a sweaty room. I could taste the first time we’d kissed, a tang of blood from his fight defending me and all the alcohol that had consumed and ruined our lives. I remembered every pang of jealousy, hurt, longing, excitement and friendship. I could see every look he’d ever given me – when he was annoyed at me, when he’d always tried to make things right with, when he looked at me like he couldn’t live without me...

Those eyes. Those eyes I’d known since I was little when he was painting me yellow instead of the paper or comforting me when I’d scraped my knee. Those eyes that were the only pair I’d ever had a connection to.

We were everything. We were best friends and lovers and complete opposites but what had he always told me? Opposites always attract.

I didn’t know what was going on in his head but he was just staring at me like I must at him. He must have had the same thought process as me because we met half way in the best kiss of our lives.

There was no rush, no pressure of need between us, no simplicity, it was... perfect. Everything that had just passed through my mind flooded out of me. For the first time since all the complications had arisen when we’d realised we’d liked each other all those years ago, I felt truly and completely whole. I took it as a sign. I’d never felt like this. This could work.

We kissed like that for what felt like forever. The outside world didn’t exist. I shifted on the counter top and he was closer to me. We broke apart, our noses still so close together and I ran my hands from where they’d been resting on his chest, up his neck and either side of his face. I held his face there to see if he was feeling the same and for the first time I saw a whole new look there that confirmed everything I wanted and made my stomach curl at the same time. I pulled him back to me and slowly a whole new feeling kicked in. I knew where this was heading but our body language was full of desire instead of need.

I held onto his face as his hands slid around to the lower of my back to pull me closer. I lifted my legs and wrapped them around his back. There was a sudden heat like a flame had been lit. The kiss became full of passion. He paused, his breathing out of pattern and did what I had done, searched my face to confirm whatever was passing through his head. He must have found it because he kissed me again, his arms tightened around my body and suddenly I was off the counter. The surroundings vanished and I only realised where we were when I landed on a bed.

And finally I was his and he was mine again.

***

“Gone?”

“Gone,” I replied calmly, dumping my bag on my bed.

“It’s only like two months right?”

“I don’t want to talk about it okay? I want a normal life while they’re away. I’ve got a new job and friends and a wonderful to keep me busy,” I said flatly, unloading my bag.

“Alright!” Erin replied with her hands up defensively. “I was just checking on you.”

“I’m fine,” I said more sharply than intended and jerked a top out of my bag. Something fell on the floor with a ‘thud’.

It was small and square and I knew what it was before I even picked it up.

I stopped breathing as a lent down and picked up the CD case.

There was no cover but there was a note on the inside. I knew the scrawl anywhere.

‘I’m sorry x’

“What is it?”

“Their new album.”