When I Grow Up, I Want to Be Famous

There were no words to describe the sick twisted feeling in the pit of my stomach. My nervous heart was determined to beat twice as fast, like it was panicking about being stuck in my chest. I’d tried on every dress I owned, I’d gone through every pair of shoes, I’d done my hair four times, I’d coloured my lips in five different shades. I’d finally settled on my white dress I’d received the previous Christmas, matching heels and the key necklace Josh had bought me. My nails were a bloody red to match my lips and my hair was falling in loose curls around my shoulders. I was going to have a panic attack if my heart didn’t calm itself.

Then they arrived. Max came to the door dressed less formally than I had expected. He was in (tidy) pair of jeans, Vans, a graphic t shirt and a green coloured coat. He did make me feel a bit overdressed. He was buzzing an air of familiar excitement that seemed to calm me down slightly.

“Give me two seconds,” I groaned as I kicked off my heels to run upstairs to change into a skirt and a top.

“Bye mum,” I called over my shoulder, snatching my coat and tottering down my garden path to the car waiting. Chris Miller, his long brown hair even longer than the last I’d seen him, was sitting behind the wheel with Georgina Conway, his now beautiful brunette girlfriend, in the back. They were both smiling at me – again, my racing heart slowed at their reaction. I grinned back and climbed into the car next to Georgie.

“Hi guys,” I said nervously.

“Alright Jase?” Chris asked as he started to pull out of my drive.

“Yeah thanks,” I muttered a shaky reply as my fingers grasped my clutch.

“Sorry it’s taken this long, we’ve been deliberating for months how to get you back,” he apologised as we turned out of the street. “And sorry… for… well, believing what we didn’t know.”

“Don’t worry about it!” I said quickly, I was so overly happy that they still liked me.

“I love your top,” Georgina complimented with a massive smile.

“Thanks, I got from asos, your hair is lovely.”

We got into some girly banter that relaxed me and took my mind off where I was heading. I was as nervous about seeing Dan and Matt as I was Josh.

We arrived somewhere in London where the awards were being held just under an hour later.

“They’re about five minutes away,” Max said, glancing at his phone before replying to the text. “Shall we see if we can go around the back?”

There were already kids pressed up against the barriers waiting for famous acts to arrive. Max explained the back entrance were for the additional guests of the nominees and guests. We were let in, checked off a list but Max introduced me to security as his ‘plus one’ whereas Georgie’s name was on it. That meant Josh had no clue.

The panic started again.

“Max who knows I’m coming?” I hissed in his ear, trying to keep up with him in my heels.

“Me and Chris,” he said casually, opening a door for me. “We thought it best to keep it on the down low.

“Oh brilliant,” I groaned as we made our way into the main room. It was dark, luckily, there was a stage at the front where a group of people were trying to sort out the host’s microphone. There were about twenty tables around the room and they were half full but I didn’t recognise anyone – the ‘plus ones’ were seated and waiting for their bands to arrive.

“We’ve got to go meet the guys and go through the front for press, we’ll see you in about half an hour? I think it’s an open bar.”

I grimaced at Max as he and Chris scampered away from where we’d just come. I smiled wryly at Georgie who started laughing.

“Don’t panic!” she chuckled. “He really has missed you. I’m telling you, he will light up at the sight of you.”

Her words didn’t calm me but I smiled at the idea all the same. We ordered, non-alcoholic, drinks and chatted as the room started to fill up. Georgina had been around for the album recording and started to explain everything Max had left out. She told me how cool the whole process has been and that she loved the finish tracks. ‘Always Attract’ was her favourite and told me that Josh had written it whilst Elissa altered and fixed it. Chris had just come up with the simple melody and blew Josh away. She also loved ‘Jealous Minds’ and so did the crowds they’d played it to so far. The band had been on tour constantly ever since I’d left.

Then I could hear the familiar casual chatter, the familiar voices, and the familiar laughs that sent a bizarre flutter of excitement in me. The positive was consumed by the negative as quickly as it had come and I was panicking again.

Georgie gave me a ‘don’t-worry’ look and smiled over my shoulder at the band. The laughing had stop. Biting my lip and wincing, I turned around in my chair to smile awkwardly at them. Dan Flint, the band’s mature drummer with short light brown hair and perfect angular features, blinked and his mouth twitched before breaking into a pleased smile. Matt Barnes, the tall dark and handsome bassist, did the same, his expression fighting between pleasant surprise and draw dropping shock. I looked to Josh last.

You know that phrase where people say you look like you’ve just seen a ghost? That was pretty much the only way to describe the way he was staring at me right now. His face was blank, both eyes and mouth wide with shock, and he looked like all his muscles were locked in place as if he had been frozen. I cringed away and waved uncomfortably. My hand dropped back to my side in defeat when he just didn’t move.

Georgie kicked me from under the table as Max started jerking his head at his singer behind his back. Finally getting the message, I got to my feet and took a few steps forwards. Wordlessly I indicated with a pleasant smile to the exit to somewhere quieter. I left and thought he wasn’t going to follow but I finally heard muffled footsteps behind the clunking of my heels.

I took several deep breaths, trying to find the right words, I opened a door to an empty corridor and made to turn around to face him. A hand caught me around my waist, pulling sharply and quickly to his body as the other caught the back of my neck, pulling me forwards into one delicate kiss screaming a thousand emotions. My body sort of went numb with shock and I wasn’t really grasping the situation. I would wake up any second now. My dream would crash around me and the boy clinging onto me would fade into nothingness…

…But after several seconds, his chest still felt solid, the racing heartbeat thumped under my hand. I could almost taste the desperation as he clung to me. Realising that this was reality I pulled back with a small gasp. Green locked with blue. I could never ever ever ever recreate that sapphire shade if I stared into them ever day. I was in awe as I held his sad gaze. His parted lips were smudged with my red lipstick, his expression was twisted in a sympathy envoking plea.

“Jase,” his voice broke, it was hitched and gruff. I stared at him for several more seconds to allow my mind to get over the shock. When he opened his mouth again I pulled him down to me and kissed him with everything I had.

Fuck the arguments. Fuck the songs. Fuck the past. Josh was all that mattered.

He responded eagerly, his hands wrapping around my waist, arching me backwards as his body leant over mine so I didn’t have to stand on my toes. One hand snaked up my back to support me better. My nails raked through his hair as if it was my only hold on him. I couldn’t get him close enough. Then a small voice in the back of my head told me we were in an empty corridor at the Kerrang! Awards and it would be starting soon. As if he had the same thought, or took paused to think during my pause, he pulled back.

“I’m sorr-”

Then angrily, I slapped him hard across the face. He stayed frozen where my palm had forced his face, staring outwards in stunned shock. I snatched his face back to look at me, holding him by the chin.

“What the fuck did I say about writing songs about me?” I demanded with a small pout but split into a grin. I dropped my voice. “And that was for not believing me either.”

“I’m sorry.”

I raised an eyebrow.

“No,” he said, looking down at his feet. “I am really sorry. I should have… listened. I shouldn’t have been such a dick… again.”

“We always have this make up thing don’t we?” I laughed weakly.

“I don’t care. We fix it. I can’t stay away from you Jase, I thought I could but I can’t. I need you.”

“I missed you,” I said quietly, my fingers stroking through the stranger short cut. “But we need to do this later.”

“Why?” he asked but he answered his own question in his head. His face flickered with understanding. “Oh yeah.”

“The Kerrang Awards? Big deal huh?” I laughed, relaxing into him as the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders.

“Yeah, I guess,” he muttered, grinning but clearly embarrassed.

“I’m so proud of you,” I whispered, kissing him on the cheek and beaming back.

“Even if I write mean songs about you?” He ducked away mockingly. I glared momentarily.

“Even if you write mean songs about me,” I theatrically sighed in defeat before laughing. “I can handle myself Franceschi.” I was lying but he was smiling at me. I didn’t care.

He shot me a look of apology as he made to lead me back down the corridor.

“Oh! Josh!” I laughed, pulling him to a stop and glancing around for a bathroom. “Before you get up on stage to collect your award, you might want to go to the loo.”

“Why?” he asked me, really confused.

“You have red lipstick all over your face.”

***

They lost to Bullet For My Valentine but no one seemed to mind. There was a buzz of positivity and happy vibes as we left the celebrations. The guys strode down the paparazzi line with their hands in their pockets but smiling like idiots. The paused for photos, professional and fans, interviews and autographs. Georgie and I waited with their manager, Bobby, a friendly but intimidating when he wanted to be man, along with Booley and Henri, my old friends had all turned up when I returned to the table and I now discovered they were now part of the band’s crew. They’d given me massive hugs when I’d returned with Josh. Tom Barnes, the band’s favourite photographer and Matt’s brother, was around the front getting his own shots.

“They suckered you in then?” I asked the three guys whilst Bobby vanished to answer a phone call.

“Suckered? Henri chuckled, raising a barely visible brown eyebrow at me. It vanished into his fringe. “I wouldn’t use the word suckered.”

“We sort of volunteered,” Booley explained. “With our hands raised.”

“You begged,” Georgie teased, giggling and sitting down on the side of the seat of the open car. I couldn’t sit, despite my aching feet, I was too high.

“We did not!” Henri started but a few new faces that had arrived at the table too came around the corner, laughing and nudging each other.

“They’re coming now,” the taller of the two announced. He flashed a confident smile at me, his almost-black-eyes full of knowledge and understanding despite never meeting me before. I returned it half heartedly with a small frown of confusion.

“Nath, you got a light?” Bobby asked as he returned from his call. The boy who had smiled at me, looked away quickly to his… what I supposed was boss.

“Yeah,” Nathan replied, digging in his jacket for a lighter as Bobby pulled a pack of cigarettes from his back pocket. I searched in my bag and threw one at the manager before Nathan could get there. I laughed to myself at his face as Bobby thanked me. The smaller one, the stout yet skinny, dark haired boy with sharp features laughed with me, meeting my eye and grinning.

“Elliot,” he answered, holding out his hand to me.

“Jasey,” I replied, taking his hand and shaking it firmly.

“Ahh, so you’re the one the album’s a-,” Nathan said cockily but Bobby kicked him in the side. He rolled his eyes and shook his head. I laughed it off. I didn’t want awkward introductions.

“Yeah, I’m the one who makes the singer upset and pissed off,” I answered, half bitterly with a fake smile and a dry chuckle. Henri grimaced at me but I subtly shook my head with an ‘I’m fine’ look.

“Speaking of,” Booley said before Nathan could add more. The guys reappeared moments later and Josh pulled me over whilst Max was grinning like an idiot, evidently so pleased with himself.

I smiled up at him, not wanting to go home, we were miles apart now instead of our ten minute walk.

“I guess… I’ll see you,” I whispered longingly.

“Yeah,” he replied, not blinking as he watched beyond me. “I’ll have to get a proper job or learn to drive or something.”

“Proper job? You would suck at anything else but this,” I teased, stretching on the moments left. He actually chuckled like he was unsure of what to say or do.

“We’ll work it out,” he promised, leaning forwards and planting on small kiss on my forehead. I melted at the touch, smiling before lifting my chin to kiss him goodbye.

“Always.”

***

I had the rest of the summer to enjoy with everyone from back home and it turned out I’d missed out on a lot. It turned out Matt had started his own clothing company called ‘Cheer Up!’ with one of his best friends outside our group – Edward Thomas. I’d seen him around but had never properly met him before. Together they had decided to start up their own business making t shirts and hoodies. Matt told me it was nice to come back from touring and have something to focus on. It was a neat range with a milkshake as their logo. The band with some friends like Athina and Nathan modelled for the line with the thanks to Tom Barnes taking the snaps.

Towards the end of the holidays the band were booked to play the Reading Festival! I jumped at the opportunity, determined to mix the new with the old. I managed to nab six extra tickets to get us backstage for the guys set and passes for the day. The band were willing to let my new mates be their ‘plus ones’ as everyone else had already bought tickets for the full weekend festival. Ashley, Emily and Athina were camping out for the weekend with a few mates. Not really keen on the idea of camping, I was pleased to only be staying for the day of the band.

Unfortunately the girls seemed reluctant to come as I got the impression they weren’t fond of my old friends, especially my reinstated boyfriend. I couldn’t blame them – they’d seen the mess I’d been in but I assured myself as soon as they sat down for five minutes and talked they’d hit it off fine. So we headed up on the train, met Chris to be picked up and got driven around to the back about nine in the morning. Looking grumpy and sceptical, the girls clambered out of the car, smiling and thanking Chris for the lift. Alice seemed the only exception. She was grinning and talking animatedly to Chris. We were allowed backstage, meeting Henri and Nathan who were carrying wires and amps. I introduced everyone to them but still they didn’t seem happy.

Finally, we found Dan, Josh, Matt and Max sitting in the backstage area clutching coffees. Lacey’s eyes dazzled over at the sight of Dan. She even stopped dead to gape at him. Chuckling to myself, I introduced everyone.

“This is Dan Flint, Josh Franceschi, Matt Barnes and Max Helyer.”

“Helyer?” Mia asked, beaming at him. Mia was as bubbly as Max they were going to love each other.

“Yeah, as in ‘Hellyeahbaby!” Max jumped up in his seat to shake her hand, grinning back at her. Mia vibrated with energy and started laughing.

Matt rolled his eyes and took Grace’s hand.

“Ignore him, he’s an idiot.”

“Yeah, she’s just as bad,” Sophie answered as she took his next. They both laughed.

“Dan, this is Lacey,” I said more quietly, digging her in the back to nudge her forwards. Her eyes were mystified with longing as she examined him. She sunk into her hips, her lips parting slightly as her eyes smouldered in typical Lacey fashion. With a soft and artfully curved smile that was half a smirk, she took his hand and gently shook it, not once leaving his gaze.

“Nice to meet you,” he said, smiling at her in a gentleman fashion. Leaving everyone to meet and greet, I slid my arm around Josh and snuggled up to him, watching everyone talk. I hadn’t seen him in about a week and it felt good to feel him under my touch.

I could feel Alice watching us but I ignored her gaze – I knew it dubious. I kissed him on the cheek.

“How’s my rockstar?”

“Nervous as fuck,” he answered honestly. His mouth was twisted with worry as he started chewing his lip. He wouldn’t stop vibrating. I was oddly reminded of Slam Dunk but I knew there were going to be a lot more kids out there today.

The Black Kids set could be heard. The band were up next.

Everyone loved everyone but unfortunately the girls still didn’t trust Josh. They were more reserved around him but were still polite. Josh tried his best, being gracious and funny but respecting their attitudes at the same time. He wanted to make a good impression. He was more distant than the rest of the band – he was freaking out about their slot. He kept wandering off to calm himself down.

“Yeah, Set Your Goals aren’t coming over,” Chris was explaining to Alice. I knew Alice’s music taste – it wasn’t far off the boys, she probably knew who they were.

“Ahh fuck, I really wanted to see them,” she sighed.

“And me,” Josh seconded, tapping his ID between his fingers as he started to pace and pace and pace. The Black Kids set finished and then they started to really freak out. Max shook his head at his singer, shooting me a ‘he needs to calm down’ look. I took him by the arm and led him to one side to do my best. It didn’t really work.

“No one is going to turn up!” he hissed at me, glancing at the nearest entrance that led to the proper backstage area. “They’re going to fucking bombard us with bottles and dead animal and whatever the fuck they can find!”

“Five minutes guys!” Bobby called.

“They are not going to bottle you off,” I said quickly and sharply. I took his face in my hands. “You are a talented band with a lot to offer. Kids love your music and you’re going to gain so many more fans with your set okay? Stop freaking out!”

He stared at me like I wasn’t getting it. My words weren’t going in.

“I’m going to end up in hospital. A hedgehog’s gonna get thrown at my head.”

I sighed.

“Josh, come here man,” Bobby called. We both glanced over at him. His expression caused my heart to sink – he looked freaked out. “You have got to see this.”

“Don’t make me look,” he groaned and put his head in his hands.

“Come here,” Bobby tried again.

Josh pushed past me, shaking like he was about to have a fit. I followed, jogging to keep up with him as he followed Bobby up to side of the stage.

“Holy Fuck!” I breathed. There were thousands to people in there! Kids were climbing over people just to get in the tent! People were crushed against the front cheering and calling for the next band.

“Aww man!” Max cried gleefully, jumping on Josh’s back.

“That is mental,” Matt agreed, clapping his singer on the shoulder.

“Ready then?” Bobby asked, grinning and laughing.

Their set was awesome. The crowd loved them. They kicked it off with ‘Jealous Minds Think Alike’ which was weirdly becoming my favourite. Matt had mentioned that it was going to be their new single. They then continued with their other singles ‘If I Were in Your Shoes’ which got a seriously large mosh pit and ‘Gossip’. Them it was ‘You've Made Your Bed (So Sleep in It)’, ‘If You Run’, which I adored and ‘Save It for the Bedroom’ which was a serious crowd pleaser. That was the one everyone was chanting to. They then went mental for the ‘The Rumour’, the entire tent were holding their hands in the air at the end. I’d never seen the band so happy and full of energy. They gave their set everything they had and deserved everything the crowd gave. They left, grinning like idiots. The girls and their crew greeted them backstage with cries of delight and triumph. I snatched my singer and gave him a huge kiss of congratulations. For that moment, everything felt mental but right at the same time. This was one for the history books in our lives.

A few of the bands on the set congratulated the band. The guys from Kids In Glass Houses came over to say hello – they all seemed to know each other really well like they were old mates. I must have missed that. Then I realised that I loved their music and they were standing feet from me. Alright, I’m in love with Josh and all, but Aled Phillips is one lovely sexy Welshman! I gushed as I shook his hand whilst Josh introduced me to him. God, he had the cutest smile. Then as it from nowhere and kicking me with surprise, Athina arrived, sliding her arm around his waist and kissing his cheek! What the fuck had I missed? He gazed down at her with such adoration my sudden shock was erased and my heart warmed a little. I stared at her down with a ‘you-need-to-explain’ eyes. She laughed and responded with an ‘I-will-later’. Aled Phillips was dating Athina Andrelos. Huh.

I realised that we were backstage with a few of my favourite bands in the entire world. Biffy Clyro were sat in the corner, Rage Against the Machine weren’t far over, The Audition were talking to All Time Low who were getting ready to go on stage.

“Why can’t you get friendly with All Time Low?” I asked innocently, laughing, my eyes glued to the four Americans. Phoaawr! Josh looked away from talking to Tom to glance over. My eyes were glued on them.

“Why?” he asked curiously like he was trying to play with me but I could hear the fakeness of it. He knew I loved them. His tone turned a bit stiffer. “Go talk to them.”

I felt like a fan girl. I couldn’t just go over and talk to them! I could imagine the fucking conversation. ‘Oh hi, my name’s Jasey. You have a song with my name as the title. It’s okay, it’s not like I haven’t had songs written about me before or anything. Yeah I’m dating the guy who wrote them...’

I mentally cringed. I snatched Alice over, her eyes boggling with excitement as she soaked in a load of faces she loved and looked up to. I nodded over to the corner where All Time Low were sat. Her eyes glazed over in a dreamy way. Ha, she was so like me. I really wished Josh would make friends with them… or Max… where was Max?

When I started to hunt high and low for my little conversation started they went on stage and I went back to Josh with a small ‘huff’ but pleased to be watching them from the side of the stage. Josh had promised Alice and I that we could watch side stage for their set but then we were going out into the crowd with everyone to get a better experience. All of the bands were doing it, no one was high profile… yet.

It was so cool! Alice and I sung along heartily to each lyric and gently bopping along to the music. I knew I was going to owe Josh for this. He had his arm wrapped around my waist, watching with me, his head gently nodding in time to the beat. I think his eyes were slowly glowing with green as he watched me watch the band on stage with admiration. He didn’t look very happy at the end of the set. I stood on my tip toes to kiss him on the cheek and he relaxed into a smile. We headed backstage to let them off.

“That was brilliant, congratulations guys,” Max said loudly and walked past me to shake the American’s hands. “They were going mental.”

“Ahh well you warmed them,” the singer, Alex Gaskarth, teased in his thick gorgeous American twang, shaking his hand firmly. Yes. I sighed with satisfaction as Alice gripped me free hand tightly. She was about to explode.

“Don’t forget this is our home ground,” Matt teased back with a small chuckle, taking the bassist, Zack Merrick’s, hand in congratulations before moving on to the drummer, Rian Dawson.

“Guess we’ll have to play it by next year then,” he replied. Fuck their accents were sweet! “Rian Dawson by the way.”

“Matt Barnes, this is Max Helyer.” Matt looked around behind him to see who was in reach. Chris was sitting in the corner with Georgie. Dan had come to join us to speak to the sweaty band. “This is Dan Flint.”

He shook hands with the American drummer. Matt’s eyes fell on us.

“This is our singer Josh Franceschi.”

Josh’s free hand took each of theirs in turn.

“And this our friends Alice and Jasey.”

Alice was about to collapse next to me. I grimaced nervously as all four members faces straightened in surprise at the sound of my name. Smiling at me with curiosity, Alex stepped forwards to take my hand, he bent down in a form of bow before kissing it. He put on a flawless English accent.

“Lovely to meet you ladies.” Fucking hell. My knees shook. And he did the same to Alice. Seriously, I thought she was going to pass out. She was shaking and that was overkill. She clamped down on her lip to stop from squealing. “My parents are English, we moved to America when I was six,” he explained with a laugh at our confused faces.

“Show off,” Jack Barakat, the guitarist, muttered and yanked his singer back by his t shirt. When I found Josh’s hand, it was clenched in a fist. Uh oh. I guess it didn’t help his name was Alex…

“You guys coming out?” Chris called from the corner. The Audition were getting ready to go on. Athina, Kids In Glass Houses and The Blackout had vanished. You Me At Six’s ‘crew’ were waiting with Chris and Georgie.

“Yeah,” he called back before turning back to the Americans. “Nice to meet you guys.”

“And you,” Rian answered, flashing a dazzlingly white smile at us as they started to retreat. I snatched Alice’s hand with my free to hold her up and drag her away. We exchanged a stupid fan girl grin as we followed the guys out.

“You’re still my favourite band in the whole world,” I whispered to a not-impressed-looking Josh. I squeezed him around his waist.

“Yeah sure,” he said with a small laugh. “You have to say that.”

I paused, wheeling around in front of him. I glanced theatrically over his shoulder, pulling an indecisive expression.

“Nahh, you’re hotter,” I said decisively, grinning at him, snatching his face in my hands and giving a huge kiss. That seemed to please him.

The high lasted for the rest of the day. We abandoned the backstage area to go and watch our collective favourite bands, the ones that were playing the same stage the band hand and then the headliners into the night. I was so pleased that I’d managed to mix my old friends with the new. They were loving each other. Alice and Max were like best mates. Lacey and Dan couldn’t stop flirting. Mia, Sophie and Grace got really friendly with the band’s crew. Things were sorting themselves out at last.